I love this post from Tom at The Edge of Vanilla.
I do not currently lock my Knight. I might in in the future, but at this very second he's not locked. However, he is not free to handle his cock whenever he wants, either. It may be a part of his body, but it belongs to me, and I get to say if and when my Knight plays with it. I get to say if, when and how he comes.
I love having that control. It's sexy. It's special. I love knowing that my Knight won't come and won't masturbate without my instruction. I'm the only person on the planet who has that control over him, and that is just amazing.
My Knight has been having a rough time coming to terms with his submission. Yes, we can talk about it. Yes, he jokes about it sometimes. But when it comes to really accepting it, and being able to talk about what he wants, what it does for him, and where he'd like to see it go..? Forget it. Hell...he even hates the word "submissive." My Knight loves it when tell him he is mine, or that he belongs to me. Anytime I remind him the he belongs to me, it's obvious that those words make him happy down to his core. He seems to gain confidence and strength from being reminded that he is mine, and I expect him to act like he belongs to me. If I use the word "submissive" or "submission" his whole attitude is different. He tells me, "I am not submissive," even though his behavior and attitudes are completely
submissive.
Where am I going with this? I see it as the same kind of thing that Tom is talking about. In his head, My Knight does what I tell him to because he belongs to me, and because I value him enough to direct and control his energy, sexuality and everyday efforts. In his head, (I think -- we have not been able to talk this out, so I am basing my opinion on his reactions and things he's said) I show that I value him when I am the dominant partner. When I don't dominate him, my Knight questions his place in my life.
But in most media, submissive men are usually portrayed as weak. My Knight does not want to be (and is not) weak. He certainly doesn't want me to see him as weak. But, to admit to being submissive is to identify with those images given off by society as submissive.
Wait. I think I just solved my own problem.
Thanks, Tom.
NOTE: I am in no way saying that submissive men are weak. I am saying that the general impression given by media of weak submissive men is wrong, and damaging to men like my Knight. And that general media impression might be part of our communication problem.
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Incentive..
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A great post. Thanks for linking back to a very relevant post on Tom's blog - I haven't read that one before. I also share your sentiments about the stereotype that submissive men are weak etc. The knee-jerk assumption that you somehow have to become less of a man to "truly" be submissive® is one of my pet hates.
ReplyDeleteThe duality of a sub's life at home and work is not easy. The conflict of weakness and strength was an issue for me. Start our Female Led Marriage in the Army made the conflict more pronounced. However, Mistress Barbara persistence, activity variations, and great communication skills helped me recognize the love and strength i derived from obeying Her. Now that i am caring for Her in Her failing health, i appreciate Her approach and efforts even more. Please talk a lot, and continue Your direction and leadership.
ReplyDeleteIt is really sad how society views our lifestyle as in my experience those who submit tend to be very special and strong people. A life of submission isnt for the weak. That is for sure. Seems like a break through was made here.
ReplyDeleteAngelique, Is it harder to take direction or to give it? Is it harder to do more or do less? Is it harder to obey or do what you want? Is it harder to live according to an imposed set of rules or be free to make whatever rules one wants? Is it harder to to have to agree to be disapplined or to discipline? I could go on and on, but I think your husband needs to see how strong a man needs to be to be submissive. He isn't in charge. You are in charge. He knows that. He follows your lead then by definition he IS A submissive.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with this too and then I realized the strength submission. It is by no means a life of weakness. It's a life characterized by virtuous living, looking outward rather than inward - selfless rather than selfish, etc. Those a qualities of strength. Any one can live as the masses do. Your husband should look in the mirror and see the strength of his rule as he lives under your direction.
Mistress Angelique,
ReplyDeleteI echo Ms. Christina's comment. I love chainsaws, football, and video games. I wear football jerseys about twice per week and enjoy my BBQ. I do not see myself as weak. I do not think my wife does either.
-SH
Hi, Tom here!
ReplyDeleteFirst, thanks for the compliment on that post. In the couple of years since I wrote it, it has been one of the more consistently top rated posts on my blog, and I believe it's just for those reasons that you outline here and in some of your recent posts: we have a negative connotation of the word "submissive" in our culture, so much so that most guys simply refuse to identify with it. Personally, I've been searching for another term to use, since I believe that the word "submissive" has now become so culturally ingrained to mean "inferior" that there's no rescuing it.
Added to this is that the "chastity community" has a large, vocal group of men who see it as an adjunct to sissification, cross-dressing, cuckolding, and other forms of humiliation. Web searching on Chastity Devices will invariably give you hits on more extreme kinks that *most* guys are not interested in.
Those of us who see such devices (or orgasm control/denial) as a way to enhance the erotic control in our relationships seem to be few and far between -- which is unfortunate, because it marginalizes an otherwise fun bit of sexy play.
My wife does not want a sissy, or a cross-dresser, or someone who she regards as "inferior." She wants a strong, level-headed man who can cut the grass, kill spiders, and figure out how to protect the family from a zombie invasion. She also enjoys me having a lot of pent-up arousal just for her.
I fail to see why this kind of thinking isn't more prevalent on the internet.