Monday, January 21, 2013

Talking and Thinking

Over the past few days I've talked to my Knight several times about how important it it to me that he share his thoughts and feelings regarding FLR, submission and orgasm control and denial with me. I told him we absolutely have to talk about what we're doing, and why. I have to know he's getting what what he needs from our D/s dynamic, and I need input from him in order to adjust our methods, and find what works best for each of us. This has pretty much our topic of conversation all week. At one point over the past week, I told my Knight that the only way to keep the dynamic is for him to start talking honestly to me about his thoughts and feelings.

Last night was our night alone. Once a week my 17 yr old watches the younger kids so my Knight and I can have the whole evening and night to ourselves. Last night, instead of going out, we hid in our bedroom and watched movies alone. When the third movie finished, I told my Knight to turn off the computer,  we needed to talk about the constant bickering that's been going on between us. He closed my laptop, kneeled in front of me and put his head on my chest. We sat like this for over an hour talking about why things have been so difficult for us lately. I pointed out that he's being passive aggressive when he ignores my instructions, and when he intentionally blows off things that I expect of him. I pointed out the difference in his attitudes on those days when he's on top of things, as opposed to those days when he claims to "forget" things. I told him that the difference is obvious to me. I pointed out that he would have a better chance of getting what he needs by talking to me, instead of doing the passive aggressive thing. I HATE passive aggressive thing. It it probably the single fastest way for him to completely and totally piss me off.

His answer? That he doesn't always realize he's done it until afterwards -- at that point  the damage is done and it's too late to fix it.  He never intentionally blows things off, but he can see where sometimes he's more "forgetful" than other times, and he agrees there is something going on emotionally at those times. We tried to talk about what he's feeling during those times, but he can't even put it into thoughts, let alone put it into words. 

After all this time, he still struggles when it comes to putting his thoughts and feelings into words. 

So... I think at this point the best thing I can do is focus on three things:

1. Reminding him that "submissive" isn't a bad word.. that it's okay with ME when he shows his submissive side.

2. Being more overtly and actively dominant. I've mentioned before that I tend to fall into routine of expecting my Knight to "just follow the rules" I think he needs to see, and feel my dominance more. Or.. maybe he needs it to be "okay" for him to feel submissive more often. Either way, that brings me to number three.

3. Explore with my Knight what actions, thoughts, and feelings cause him to feel most submissive. And then encourage those things. 

10 comments:

  1. We suggest You find some code words to signal a problem. The important one is Your word to tell him he is heading from trouble, and Your work for he is in trouble. Over time, You might allow him a word when he is having a problem honoring You properly.

    Your older girl is reaching the age where She can understand the value in a Female Led Relationship. You might consider preparing Her to take an active role in managing Your knight on Her 18th birthday. You should also help Her understand the control She should take over Her boyfriends.

    On my 18th birthday, each of the girls started spanking me under the supervision of Mistress Barbara. They had been preparing gradually over a two year period.

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    Replies
    1. Interesting suggestions, dualpurpose. I don't think I like the idea of a code word for us. I much prefer my Knight get comfortable enough with his own submissive thoughts and tendencies that he can share them with me at any time. For my Knight that will take my pushing him to share thoughts and feelings just a hair beyond his current comfort level.

      As far as my daughters are concerned. Nope..they have absolutely no authority over my Knight at all. He is submissive to me, and me alone. I'm not making judgments, but that kind of family inclusive submission is just not for us.

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    2. We fully understand Your position on children.

      Think of the codes words as a transition tool. An early warning system. Working together he will find the inner strength in following You without question, hesitation, or doubt. Code words should not be long-term tools.

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  2. Mistress Angelique,

    The passive/aggressive reaction to discontent is one I know well. For me, it goes away at three weeks chaste. At least, it precipitously drops off then. I am convinced there is male bio-chemistry involved as the pattern is repeatable. At 3 weeks, I can feel the need to instigate change through passive/aggressive means all but evaporate and it is replaced by a contentment.

    take care.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm.. Interesting observation. Right now, my Knight is at 28 days since his last orgasm. Since we started orgasm denial, I've been allowing him once every month to 6 weeks. (or he has an "oops) In the past, I have let him come shortly after the passive aggressive thing stopped. Shortly after we go back to the same issues.

      Yes, I can see the connection. I think I know how to fix this.

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  3. If only more wives were like you. I know that I've said that before, but wouldn't life be so much enjoyable for so many couples, if more wives approached a WLM like you do.

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  4. I think you are on the right track. The fact that you are both communicating as much as you are is great. Based on my experience, he is probably being truthful when he says he doesn't realize he has done something to disappoint you until afterwards. That has happened to me. I think if he would bring it to your attention as soon as he realizes he has erred and talk about what he's feeling emotionally right then if possible, it would have more of a correcting and lasting effect and wouldn't result in other failures. Just a thought. Good Luck!

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  5. Thanks, Wishful4. I also believe my Knight is being honest when he says he doesn't realize he's done something. I'm not questioning his honesty. But, I do believe that if he paid a bit more attention to his feelings, attitudes and just generally know where he's at, that most of these could be avoided. We're working on recognizing that my Knight is upset or feeling some sort of discontent before it shows in his actions. That way we can (hopefully) avoid it turning into a downward spiral.

    You're correct. If he can talk to me as soon as he starts having these feelings, or as soon as he realizes he's screwed up, it would go a long way to fixing the situation. Unfortunately, he's not there yet. When he messes up, he still tries to explain it with situations. Like.. "I didn't get to it." "The kids were noisy" "I forgot", etc... and when you get right down to it, that's what upsets me. It's always the fault of someone or something else. I want to see him take more personal responsibility, and work on removing obstacles himself instead of waiting for me to find solutions for him.

    Things I would find acceptable include stuff like "I didn't do it because I was playing with (our 7 yr old)", or.. "I didn't write about orgasm denial while you were gone because I'm still uncomfortable talking about it"


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  6. Free PDF download The Mistress Manual. Helped my Leader tremendously!

    ReplyDelete