Things Are Smooth

I've been busy reorganizing my writing and the kids' homeschool schedules. It's time for us to move from our summer routine to our "school year" routine. We don't follow the school schedule, but I do vary the number of subjects the kids complete based on the weather. When it's nice out, we do less book work and more things out in the community. I do an evaluation of our routines, record keeping methods and curriculum two or three times each year. When I re-evaluate the homeschool program I also do an eval of my business routines and goals. That's really what takes up a lot of time. I lay out both my business goals, my writing goals, and my knight's writing goals for the next 3-5 months and create a written plan that keeps us both more or less on track.

And.. that's where I've been for the last few days-- buried in goal evaluation. It takes a good bit of thought and energy to plan out how I want things to look for the next 3-5 months. On top of that, I'm still homeschooling the kids and doing my regular day's work. So.. it doesn't leave a lot of time to ponder all things FLR.

Things with my knight are running smoothly. We seem to have fallen into routine again, though. It happens when things get busy, but at least this time I'm aware of it. He's done a good job this time of doing what's expected even though routines have taken over.  He deserves a reward for that -- I think tonight is a good time to do something different.

A Reward

After the kids went to bed last night, I noticed my knight was sort withdrawn and sort of irritable - not with me, but irritable with himself. Earlier he dropped the keyboard to the kids' computer. The wire somehow got wrapped around his leg while he was using the computer. There was an odd noise upstairs that sounded like a kid falling out of bed, and I asked my knight to go check it out. When he stood up the keyboard went crashing to the ground. The floor in our den is concrete. Beautifully painted concrete, but concrete nonetheless.  Of course, things things tend to break when they hit concrete from waist high. Keyboard to the kids' computer is toast. Like most geek families, we have a stash of extra computer parts "just in case, " so replacing the keyboard is no big deal, but my knight was beating himself up over it.  I asked my knight several times what was bothering him. He's hard on himself, but usually, if I tell him I don't think something is a big deal, he drops it and moves on. Not so, last night.

After talking to him several times and getting nowhere, I called bedtime. After we got undressed and into bed, he tried to stick to "his side"of the bed. Yet another indication that something was bothering him. I put my arm under him and rolled him over toward me. "You're too far away. Get over here where you belong."

He complied and laid his head on my chest. Rubbing his back and shoulders, I ask him again what was wrong. "Why do you keep asking me that? I'm fine." He flipped over on his back, saying his neck was bothering him.  So, I rolled over with him and settled on top of him.

"You've been antsy, grouchy, and irritable all night. Don't tell me you're fine. What's going on in your head?" I demanded of him.

He was very quiet and very still for about 10 minutes. Then, finally, "Are you mad at me?"

I pulled back a little so I could look him in the eyes, "No.. why would I be?"

"I screwed up our evening. You wanted to curl up with a movie, but I didn't get my writing done in time for us do do that."

"Um.. no, you didn't. You finished everything on your list.. including 100 words more than I asked for on your WIP. You did just fine."

"But, you wanted to curl up with a movie."

"Your list got done. That's what's important. Besides, when did I say I wanted to watch a movie tonight?"

"I dunno. You wanted to curl up with a movie last night, and I screwed that up, too."

"Eh.. no really, no. We just didn't have time. I never said it was a big deal."

Several minutes passed before he very quietly said, "So, you're not mad at me?"

I leaned down, kissed him and let my hands wander over his body.  That turned into several pretty good orgasms for me. He's still under "no chance of coming" until mid August as a result of his dice roll the other day, so he figured that was the end of things. He settled down in my arms to cuddle and go to sleep. I grabbed the bottle of cinnamon oil that I keep next to to the bed and flipped him over on his back. He was already jumpy from his attentions to me, and he just about jumped out of his skin when I touched his cock with my oily hands.  For the next 90 minutes or so he squirmed, jumped and moaned while I brought him to the edge and back down over and over again. He was oblivious to anything other than what I was doing to him. Finally, when I thought he'd had about all he could handle, I started bringing him back down slowly.  He curled up in my arms peaceful and content.

This morning, I sent him an email saying that I was proud of him for finally telling him what was bothering him last night, and that the long tease session was his reward for talking to me.

Why I Don't Use a Chastity Device on my Knight.

This is in response to Wishful4's comment  --

There are several reasons I haven't considered locking my knight. The biggest reason is that I'm concerned about how it will effect him emotionally and psychologically. My knight's ex-wife was seriously mentally ill, and had a lot of hangups about sex. That woman was the ultimate in ex horror stories. He doesn't like to admit it, but she was emotionally abusive in ways only someone with severe mental illness can be. She was his first lover, and they were together for about 11 years. In that time her hang ups about sex, combined with his natural tendency to cater to every whim of the woman in his life, created a huge mess in his head.  10 years later he still occasionally struggles with flashbacks, fears, and communication issues because of the hell she put him through.

I have worked hard to help my knight overcome and deal with the trauma she left him with. There are things he still won't talk about.  I've worked hard to get him to understand that I love him.. all of him... because he is HIM, and not for what he can or can't do for me. I've worked hard (and am still working) to help him understand that it's okay to have wants and needs of his own, in and out of the bedroom.

Our ongoing communication struggles are a direct result of his ex wife and her problems.

It's also why it took me so long to accept that flr was really what he wanted.. because I had a good idea what she had put him through, and was afraid he was just falling into old habits or deferring to me because he was afraid of what would happen if he didn't.  He has assured me over and over again that's not the case.. that it makes him happy and content follow my lead, do what I ask of him, and devote himself to me completely....So I finally took the dominant role he was asking of me -- it took YEARS for me to accept that this is really who he is, and what makes him happy. Although.. as you guys saw a few weeks ago, I still question.

One of the things she created for him was a feeling of guilt for even being interested in sex at all. If he showed any sexual interest he caught hell. He wasn't allowed to ask for sex, or even ask for attention at all. It wasn't an FLR thing.. and it wasn't something he wanted or agreed to.... there was no form of sex play to any of this.. She had a major hang up about sex, and totally went off on him if he showed any interest. From what he's told me about her, I wonder how she ended up having 4 kids. Even offering to give her oral got him in trouble.

When we first got together, he thanked me for every orgasm, every time. Once, I asked him why he did that, and he didn't have an answer. I assumed it had something to do with is ex, and eventually talked him into stopping. (of course.. now I wonder if my assumption was wrong ) He was afraid to initiate sex. If I tried to surprise him, or be spontaneous he freaked and froze.  He didn't seem to really enjoy sex because his past experiences with his ex made him uptight and afraid of what would happen afterwards. Heck.. I had to tell him it was okay to show enjoyment and make noise during sex.

We've been together for almost 9 years, and he's pretty much over all of that, although sometimes he's still a little reserved.

I'm concerned that if I have him wear a chastity device, he's going to feel unwanted, and unloved. My knight is a very touchy-feely kind of guy. He needs my touch like the human body needs to breathe, like plants need sunlight and water. He also needs to know and feel that I want him, and that I enjoy his body. If I randomly grab his cock while I walk by, he melts. I can't do that if he's wearing a device. Putting him in a chastity device would probably trigger all those feelings of sex being bad that he got from his ex.

I'm also concerned that he'd feel like I don't trust him if I asked him to wear a chastity device. I trust him completely to follow our rules and to be faithful to me. He has never given me any reason to doubt him, and I think it would hurt him , and he'd blame himself if he thought I didn't trust him.

For all those reasons, I've never even considered discussing a chastity device with him.

We do use orgasm control and denial, though.  He is not allowed to masturbate at all, and he's not allowed to come without my express permission. I've explained to him that I ask this of him because I like what it does to him. His reactions are more.... intense when he's been denied for a while.  Teasing and orgasm denial seems to bring down what's left of his walls and lets him really get lost in the sensations. It's a huge turn on for me to spend an hour teasing him and watch him squirm, shiver and pay so much attention to what I'm doing to him that nothing else exists anymore. He doesn't react that way when he's allowed to come too often. Sometimes, If I tease too long at one time, or take him to the edge and back too many times in one session... sometimes he has flashbacks of his ex, and assumes I'm mad at him, or that I'm doing it for revenge.  Several times I've offered to stop the orgasm control and denial. If it's causing him problems, I don't want it.. but each time, he's told me ... no.. he usually loves it.. it's just occasionally, when other things are going on in his head that he has problems with it.  I was so concerned with it that I wrote an "out" into our rules.. he knows that if he ever wants to end the orgasm control.. there is a set way to do that without any kind of backlash from me. He's also allowed to ask me to let him to let him come when I'm teasing him. If things get too intense, he can ask for that release. I reserve the right to deny him, but under that circumstance, I would have to have a really good reason.  Not once has he asked...a couple times I've reminded him he could ask for it while I was edging him, but he's never asked.  

As for my own personal reasons for not locking him...

I like knowing he's on the honor system, and that he would never even consider breaking my trust by masturbating without my permission. There's something very special about that. I love it that he trusts me to manage and control his orgasms without question. Yes, he comes without permission occasionally (like the other day). But.. really those times are rare, and a chastity device wouldn't eliminate them anyway. The only time it ever happens is when I'm teasing him and not paying attention, or when we're having sex and 'forgets' to warn me.

I like being able to play with his cock anytime I want to, without having to unlock him first. To me, it seems like it would be another block to being spontaneous.. and with 4 kids at home, we have enough reasons not to be spontaneous.

I've thought about it.. and really.. the only time I'd want him to wear it is when we're not together, and having him wear it only when we're apart would probably make him wonder if he'd done something to cause me not to trust him with other women. Since I do trust him.. there's little reason for me to lock him.

If he ever shows interest in a chastity device, I'll reconsider. But for right now, I like having him unlocked and under the honor system.

Rolling the Dice Tonight

My knight has to roll two 20 sided dice tonight. He got carried away last night and came without permission while we were having sex. I didn't say anything about it last night, but this morning as we were getting ready for church I casually told him, "You're going to have to roll the dice tonight."  He said he knew. 

When he has an orgasm without my permission he has to roll two 20 sided dice. The result of the die roll tells him two things - 1. how many days before I will even consider allowing  him to orgasm again, and 2. how many times he must bring me to orgasm before I will let him come.  Both conditions have to be met for him to have any chance at all of release, and just because the conditions are met, does automatically mean I'll let  him come.  If I think the rolled number is to low, I reserve the right to multiply it by 10.

I find myself wondering if he was testing me to see if I'd give him any consequences if he came without permission last night. I guess I'll find out tonight when we talk about it. 

Finally... Some Sort of Explanation -- Maybe.

How a week can be so awesome and, at the same time, so totally crappy, I'll never know. But it's been a rough week around here.

My oldest daughter came home from college on July 2. She's a biochemistry graduate student and only gets 2 weeks off during the summer. We had an awesome party on July 3, and spent July 4 playing with my younger kids and just hanging out. It was a great 2 days. Then, on Friday things kind of blew up.

My 17 yr old daughter was being.... well.... a moody 17 yr old girl, and she decided to change her plans at the last minute without telling me about it...which in turn, meant completely changing family plans. I go out of my way to treat my 17 yr old like the mature young woman she is.  She gets good grades, plays 4 different musical instruments, sings, is active in our church, has a part-time job, knows what she wants to do after high school, and had solid career plans. I like and approve of her boyfriend, and can be as headstrong as her mother.  I don't mind my daughter changing plans, and I try to accommodate her, but I very much dislike having family plans changed at the last minute.  I work hard to make sure family plans work for everyone involved, including my daughters boyfriend, and having my daughter change those plans with no consideration for everyone else involved irritates me.  So, on Friday my daughter and I were dealing with typical mother/teenage girl tension. I was irritable and my knight was off kilter and a bit needy. Then I found out that he lost the cable to the printer when we moved 6 months ago. Not a big deal in the general scheme of things, but at that moment it was a big deal - mostly because I remember giving him specific packing instructions regarding the cords to the printer before we moved. Those instructions were not followed.  The lack of printer cable meant that our plans for the day were even further screwed up and that sent me into an even worse mood. My 17 yr old had the car so  we couldn't just run out and buy a new cable. Everything my oldest and I wanted to do together on Friday was hosed because somebody else didn't follow through. That kind of thing makes me very angry.. and by 6 pm I was in a rotten mood and felt like I was surrounded by people who just did not care about keeping their word to each other. And, it didn't help that I it was pms time, so my hormones were a bit out of whack.  I went to bed early and hoped Saturday would be a better day.

My knight was still off kilter on Saturday. I admit that was probably my fault. When I'm irritable my knight tends to internalize it. It doesn't matter why I'm in a bad mood.. I could be irritated with a difficult client, distracted with a writing project, or just irritable, regardless of the reason, my knight takes it to mean he's not doing "something wrong." He has a difficult time understanding that sometimes I'm just irritable.. and it's nothing he did.  I try to give him the extra guidance he needs during those times, but on Saturday his neediness just annoyed me further.   He wanted to talk about the missing printer cable, and how he didn't feel it was his fault. I didn't want to discuss it . I just wanted him to go out and buy a new cable so I could print what I needed, and be done with it-- And I told him that.   But, my knight kept pushing to talk.. kept insisting that it wasn't his fault. As far as I saw it (and still see it) if he had packed the printer the way I asked him to, the cable would not have gone missing. He didn't do as I asked, therefore  he lost the cable. Just go out and replace the damn thing, and move on. Except my knight kept talking about it. I finally blew up. During the very short argument that followed my knight said something that made it sound like he was questioning the FLR.  I walked away from him and his comment.

That evening when we were alone I asked him if he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic, if he was starting to resent it and wanted to go back to a 50/50 arrangement. He didn't answer me.  I gave him 15 minutes or so, and asked again. Still no answer. After another 10 minutes or so, I asked a third time... his answer was "I don't know. I need more time to think about it."  Okay.. fine.. but what do we do in the meantime?  He had no answer. We ended up going to bed with that question unanswered.   Now.... if you've read this blog for any time at all you know that a lot of the time I worry that I forced my knight into FLR against his wishes. Since he "was still thinking about it" I decided the best thing I could do is to back off of FLR while he thought things over. So, on Sunday I assumed a 50/50 type of dynamic. I told him that while he was thinking about whether he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic, that I would drop the FLR and go back to 50/50 because I didn't want to force FLR on him.
I stopped giving direction. When my knight asked me if I wanted him to do A or B, I answered with.. I don't know..that's your decision to make now. I didn't ask my knight to do things, or get things for me, I simply did it myself. I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just took care of my own things, and expected him to do the same.

And.. that's when things REALLY went to hell. My knight became irritable, depressed and angry. I told him that we would do things 50/50 until he made a decision as to whether or not he wanted to continue the FLR. He kept asking me "Why are you doing this to me?"  My answer was that I wasn't doing anything to him.. that I was assuming a 50/50 arrangement until he made a decision. I really was not trying to punish him. I was trying not to force him to accept my authority if he didn't want it.  He kept coming back to the printer cable thing. He thought I was being unfair,  and at one point muttered "I'm not sure I want to give you that power over me." When I asked him what he meant he said that he thought I was being unfair about the printer cable. and it really bothered him. I pointed out that HE was the only one still harping on the cable. We bought a new one, and I dropped it because there was nothing either of us could really do to fix it.

Things continued like this for the next couple days. Every day, I asked my knight if he'd made a decision yet. And every day he said he was "still thinking about it" Everyday I reminded him that we would do things 50/50 until he made a decision. It was obvious to me that he was feeling lost, depressed and miserable, but I was determined that if we returned to FLR it would be at HIS request.

By Wednesday we were barely speaking, and I'm not sure either of us knew why.

I told him that I hate feeling like I'm forcing FLR on him and that I need to know that he WANTS the FLR. It has to be something we do because he wants it.. not because I force it on him.  I told him that if we return to FLR that I need to see, hear, and know beyond all doubt that he wants that dynamic. We got into a long discussion about how I always question whether he wants it because he won't talk about his needs and his desires as far as FLR goes.  His answer was that all he really wants is for me to be happy. I reminded him that I AM happy.. happiness comes from within.. it's not something he can give me.. no matter how much he might want to. Then I told him that regardless of anything he says.. we "do FLR" for HIM.. not for me.  I took charge of him because it makes HIM happy. He finds contentment and security when I am in charge of him, and that's why we do it. I don't need the FLR to be happy, and I told him that it ticked me off that keeps saying the FLR is for me. It's not. I do it for him.. because he seems so much more content, and secure.  I don't do FLR for me.. I do it for him.   That's where I left it on Weds night.

Thursday morning nothing really changed.My knight still said he was thinking about it, while at the same time constantly asking for my guidance.I pulled him aside out of earshot of the kids and told him to stop asking for my guidance unless he'd made a decision about the FLR. Again, he said he was still thinking about it.

Thursday evening, we were watching a movie with the kids. The kids were all on the couch, and I was in a nearby chair kitting. When my knight came downstairs, my oldest asked the younger kids to scoot over and make room on the couch for daddy. The kids moved, but my knight came over and sat on the floor at my feet. My oldest told him, "You don't have to sit on the floor, there's room over here."  He answered with, "Yep. I know. I'm comfortable here."  I stopped knitting and played with his hair as he nuzzled my leg.  My knight sat at my feet until we went to bed a few hours later.

When we were alone I asked him, "So, you've made your decision, then?"

He said, "I'm sorry. I just want to get back to normal."

We talked for a couple hours about what happened. Finally he told me he felt like he shouldn't need the structure of FLR, that he thought he should be able to do this... to make me happy ..... without FLR. That he should just know. He apologized for needing the flr, and being so needy.

I told him that I don't mind FLR, but that I need him to show me that he wants and needs it. Show me it's important to him.. because I hate feeling that I've forced him into it.  I told him that I do the
FLR for him (not to him) ... because I love it when we're close.. and I want him to feel comfortable relaxing into his role.

My knight kept telling me that he feels like he shouldn't need me to set his priorities..that he feels like he should be able to figure it out for himself. But he can't.  I reminded him that I tried to shoe horn him into "typical 50/50" for years.....I expected him to figure out priorities himself, and it almost landed us in divorce court, because we were both miserable. It wasn't until we found FLR that things got better for us.

I don't understand why he's so concerned with what "should" be... and I'm not sure how to help him feel okay with what IS. My knight is obviously happier under the FLR.  How do I help him accept that there's nothing wrong with him because he prefers to be led rather than lead?



.

Just a Note

I will be away from the computer for a few more days.My oldest is home from college and we are off having fun.  Things with my knight have gone a bit wonky, but I'll talk about that after my daughter leaves.

He Is Trying...

I finally got an answer to my question. Just a few minutes before 10 am.. (he made the deadline.... can I get a round of applause for him!!!)  so.. the question was.. "

"What would make the FLR dynamic more fun or more fulfilling?"

After four paragraphs of basically talking to himself and working things out in his head.. my knight's answer boiled down to  --- Be more comfortable in my role, be more spontaneous and don't censor myself so much.

LOL.. so.. the exact issues that I struggle with are what he's like to see more of. He's following my lead..... and knowing that helps me a lot.

I'm getting ready for  a fireworks party, so I'll have to post more about this later this week.

ARRGUGHHHH

My last question to my knight   posed around 10 am today... "Name one thing that we could add or do that would make the flr arrangement for fun... or more fulfilling for you.?

It is now 9 hours later.. he's home from work, and I reminded him that he's not answered yet. "Yeah. I know. I haven't forgotten. I honestly don't know."

I hope, for his sake he comes up with something before 10am tomorrow....

Attempt at Increasing Our Communication

I've started an on-going game of "20 Questions" with my knight. The rules are simple, I started by asking him a random question via email. I gave him 2 hours to answer the question and respond with one of his own. The rules state that each of us is expected to respond to each question within 2 hours unless the person answering is obviously away from the computer. I tossed that in there so my knight can't tell me "I'm thinking about it" and then never answer.. he's been known to do that. If the answering person does not respond in 24 hours they have to immediately answer the question, and they owe the waiting partner 2 hours of time. The person stuck waiting for an answer can choose to use that time however they want.  Yes, on first glance it seems to give my knight a say over my time, but I decided that for this purpose, that's okay.. if I don't like what he comes up with, I can always tell him no. Besides, it's unlikely that I will put off answering his question for a full 24 hours, even if he does come up with something unexpected.

My hope here is that we can use the 20 questions game to explore his/my/our feelings, thoughts, opinions,likes, dislikes on flr issues and maybe.. just maybe start to explore this thing a little more.

Part of our issues with talking about dominance and submission is that he stresses over trying to figure out what I want him to say. When I  ask him about his thoughts on increasing the depth of our activities he always answers one of two ways:
1. He starts talking about the practical day-to-day application of our dynamic. He tells me that his daily task list does a lot to reduce his stress, and help keep him focused on what I think is important.
or
2. He tells me "Babe, I don't know what you want me to say. "

I'm hoping a series of short, light-hearted, and sometimes random questions to which he gets to ask a question of his own, might get him to stop censoring himself and give me some real answers.

Too bad we don't drink.. I've considered getting him drunk and THEN trying to get him to talk about this.

I know some of you think I'm talking this to death,  I want to know what he feels, not what he thinks I want to hear. I would be more sure of myself if he had approached me with the request, but since it came from me as a way to avoid a divorce, I still still wonder....