Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Why I Don't Use a Chastity Device on my Knight.


This is in response to Wishful4's comment  --

There are several reasons I haven't considered locking my knight. The biggest reason is that I'm concerned about how it will effect him emotionally and psychologically. My knight's ex-wife was seriously mentally ill, and had a lot of hangups about sex. That woman was the ultimate in ex horror stories. He doesn't like to admit it, but she was emotionally abusive in ways only someone with severe mental illness can be. She was his first lover, and they were together for about 11 years. In that time her hang ups about sex, combined with his natural tendency to cater to every whim of the woman in his life, created a huge mess in his head.  10 years later he still occasionally struggles with flashbacks, fears, and communication issues because of the hell she put him through.

I have worked hard to help my knight overcome and deal with the trauma she left him with. There are things he still won't talk about.  I've worked hard to get him to understand that I love him.. all of him... because he is HIM, and not for what he can or can't do for me. I've worked hard (and am still working) to help him understand that it's okay to have wants and needs of his own, in and out of the bedroom.

Our ongoing communication struggles are a direct result of his ex wife and her problems.

It's also why it took me so long to accept that flr was really what he wanted.. because I had a good idea what she had put him through, and was afraid he was just falling into old habits or deferring to me because he was afraid of what would happen if he didn't.  He has assured me over and over again that's not the case.. that it makes him happy and content follow my lead, do what I ask of him, and devote himself to me completely....So I finally took the dominant role he was asking of me -- it took YEARS for me to accept that this is really who he is, and what makes him happy. Although.. as you guys saw a few weeks ago, I still question.

One of the things she created for him was a feeling of guilt for even being interested in sex at all. If he showed any sexual interest he caught hell. He wasn't allowed to ask for sex, or even ask for attention at all. It wasn't an FLR thing.. and it wasn't something he wanted or agreed to.... there was no form of sex play to any of this.. She had a major hang up about sex, and totally went off on him if he showed any interest. From what he's told me about her, I wonder how she ended up having 4 kids. Even offering to give her oral got him in trouble.

When we first got together, he thanked me for every orgasm, every time. Once, I asked him why he did that, and he didn't have an answer. I assumed it had something to do with is ex, and eventually talked him into stopping. (of course.. now I wonder if my assumption was wrong ) He was afraid to initiate sex. If I tried to surprise him, or be spontaneous he freaked and froze.  He didn't seem to really enjoy sex because his past experiences with his ex made him uptight and afraid of what would happen afterwards. Heck.. I had to tell him it was okay to show enjoyment and make noise during sex.

We've been together for almost 9 years, and he's pretty much over all of that, although sometimes he's still a little reserved.

I'm concerned that if I have him wear a chastity device, he's going to feel unwanted, and unloved. My knight is a very touchy-feely kind of guy. He needs my touch like the human body needs to breathe, like plants need sunlight and water. He also needs to know and feel that I want him, and that I enjoy his body. If I randomly grab his cock while I walk by, he melts. I can't do that if he's wearing a device. Putting him in a chastity device would probably trigger all those feelings of sex being bad that he got from his ex.

I'm also concerned that he'd feel like I don't trust him if I asked him to wear a chastity device. I trust him completely to follow our rules and to be faithful to me. He has never given me any reason to doubt him, and I think it would hurt him , and he'd blame himself if he thought I didn't trust him.

For all those reasons, I've never even considered discussing a chastity device with him.

We do use orgasm control and denial, though.  He is not allowed to masturbate at all, and he's not allowed to come without my express permission. I've explained to him that I ask this of him because I like what it does to him. His reactions are more.... intense when he's been denied for a while.  Teasing and orgasm denial seems to bring down what's left of his walls and lets him really get lost in the sensations. It's a huge turn on for me to spend an hour teasing him and watch him squirm, shiver and pay so much attention to what I'm doing to him that nothing else exists anymore. He doesn't react that way when he's allowed to come too often. Sometimes, If I tease too long at one time, or take him to the edge and back too many times in one session... sometimes he has flashbacks of his ex, and assumes I'm mad at him, or that I'm doing it for revenge.  Several times I've offered to stop the orgasm control and denial. If it's causing him problems, I don't want it.. but each time, he's told me ... no.. he usually loves it.. it's just occasionally, when other things are going on in his head that he has problems with it.  I was so concerned with it that I wrote an "out" into our rules.. he knows that if he ever wants to end the orgasm control.. there is a set way to do that without any kind of backlash from me. He's also allowed to ask me to let him to let him come when I'm teasing him. If things get too intense, he can ask for that release. I reserve the right to deny him, but under that circumstance, I would have to have a really good reason.  Not once has he asked...a couple times I've reminded him he could ask for it while I was edging him, but he's never asked.  

As for my own personal reasons for not locking him...

I like knowing he's on the honor system, and that he would never even consider breaking my trust by masturbating without my permission. There's something very special about that. I love it that he trusts me to manage and control his orgasms without question. Yes, he comes without permission occasionally (like the other day). But.. really those times are rare, and a chastity device wouldn't eliminate them anyway. The only time it ever happens is when I'm teasing him and not paying attention, or when we're having sex and 'forgets' to warn me.

I like being able to play with his cock anytime I want to, without having to unlock him first. To me, it seems like it would be another block to being spontaneous.. and with 4 kids at home, we have enough reasons not to be spontaneous.

I've thought about it.. and really.. the only time I'd want him to wear it is when we're not together, and having him wear it only when we're apart would probably make him wonder if he'd done something to cause me not to trust him with other women. Since I do trust him.. there's little reason for me to lock him.

If he ever shows interest in a chastity device, I'll reconsider. But for right now, I like having him unlocked and under the honor system.


5 comments:

  1. I agree totally. I don't feel a device is needed anyway. I too prefer the honor system with my slave and have only used our Chastity device for punishment only. And that is for serious offenses, not minor things. If I make him go lock up then he knows he has done something majorly wrong. Otherwise I prefer him unlocked, able to be used at my whim, on the honor system to obey me and I too have no reason to not trust him.

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  2. Your reasoning is well thought out and I totally see where you are coming from. The book, Uniquely Rika, says that a truly submissive man should not need a chastity device to remain chaste for his mistress. This confuses me because I know I am a submissive man, yet I can't be trusted to remain chaste on the honor system beyond a couple of weeks. The urge is just too strong and I am too weak. I think you just can't paint everyone with one stroke. We are all somewhat different with our own strengths and weaknesses.

    It sounds like you are describing PTSD when your Knight has the flashbacks of his ex. PTSD can manifest itself in many forms and can be even from non-life threatening trauma. You are a very wise woman to be able to recognize when this is affecting his behavior. I'd say you are managing the FLR very well. Knight is very lucky to have you.

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    1. My knight's ex put him through enough serious trauma for a long enough period of time that I would not be surprised if he does have PTSD or something similar. Actually, I started suspecting post trauma stress issues within one month of us moving in together. I worked in mental health before he and I moved in together, ( I left the field to care for his 2 special needs kids) and I recognized the signs. I suggested he see a trauma therapist I knew, but he didn't want to. After dealing with his ex and her doctors for so many years, he had a very bad opinion of therapist, psychologists and psychiatrists. He told me that he would go if I insisted, but that he was not comfortable with the idea. Instinct told me that pushing the issue would do more harm than good, so I let it go and made it a point to help him heal. We've been together for almost 9 years, and he's recovered a lot.

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  3. Miss Angelique,

    What a lucky man your knight is to have found you.

    Any couple exploring an FLR comes across many blogs promoting (I was going to say 'peddling') the idea that a chastity device is essential. I started down that route and after a while realised that if I was serious about submitting to my wife, I was perfectly capable of obeying her as far as orgasms were concerned.

    It seems like your knight is one who is capable of obeying you though he may struggle at times. I can understand that he prefers the idea that he 'belongs to you' rather than that 'submits to you'.

    In a society seemingly so wedded to 50:50 it takes an effort to get an FLR started and for it to thrive. Too many blogs seem to treat an FLR as a kink, rather than a rather lovely lifestyle choice.

    With all good wishes for you both

    Tony

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  4. Angelique,

    You truly sound like the angel of your name. Such kindness.

    I am also married to someone a lot like you but we are new to the lifestyle and searching to find what is "just right" for us. My wife does not require a chastity device for me and she does not need to worry about me masturbating or being unfaithful because I also like how it makes me feel to be with her when I am horny and also attentive. It is too bad that men are the way we are but if I am denied orgasm I am keen to see that I treat her in a way that she wants to provide one at some point in the future. And she does because she is considerate and wants good things for me also.

    Thank you for such wisdom and candor. We can learn a lot from you.

    Malone

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