Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Why I Don't Use a Chastity Device on my Knight.
This is in response to Wishful4's comment --
There are several reasons I haven't considered locking my knight. The biggest reason is that I'm concerned about how it will effect him emotionally and psychologically. My knight's ex-wife was seriously mentally ill, and had a lot of hangups about sex. That woman was the ultimate in ex horror stories. He doesn't like to admit it, but she was emotionally abusive in ways only someone with severe mental illness can be. She was his first lover, and they were together for about 11 years. In that time her hang ups about sex, combined with his natural tendency to cater to every whim of the woman in his life, created a huge mess in his head. 10 years later he still occasionally struggles with flashbacks, fears, and communication issues because of the hell she put him through.
I have worked hard to help my knight overcome and deal with the trauma she left him with. There are things he still won't talk about. I've worked hard to get him to understand that I love him.. all of him... because he is HIM, and not for what he can or can't do for me. I've worked hard (and am still working) to help him understand that it's okay to have wants and needs of his own, in and out of the bedroom.
Our ongoing communication struggles are a direct result of his ex wife and her problems.
It's also why it took me so long to accept that flr was really what he wanted.. because I had a good idea what she had put him through, and was afraid he was just falling into old habits or deferring to me because he was afraid of what would happen if he didn't. He has assured me over and over again that's not the case.. that it makes him happy and content follow my lead, do what I ask of him, and devote himself to me completely....So I finally took the dominant role he was asking of me -- it took YEARS for me to accept that this is really who he is, and what makes him happy. Although.. as you guys saw a few weeks ago, I still question.
One of the things she created for him was a feeling of guilt for even being interested in sex at all. If he showed any sexual interest he caught hell. He wasn't allowed to ask for sex, or even ask for attention at all. It wasn't an FLR thing.. and it wasn't something he wanted or agreed to.... there was no form of sex play to any of this.. She had a major hang up about sex, and totally went off on him if he showed any interest. From what he's told me about her, I wonder how she ended up having 4 kids. Even offering to give her oral got him in trouble.
When we first got together, he thanked me for every orgasm, every time. Once, I asked him why he did that, and he didn't have an answer. I assumed it had something to do with is ex, and eventually talked him into stopping. (of course.. now I wonder if my assumption was wrong ) He was afraid to initiate sex. If I tried to surprise him, or be spontaneous he freaked and froze. He didn't seem to really enjoy sex because his past experiences with his ex made him uptight and afraid of what would happen afterwards. Heck.. I had to tell him it was okay to show enjoyment and make noise during sex.
We've been together for almost 9 years, and he's pretty much over all of that, although sometimes he's still a little reserved.
I'm concerned that if I have him wear a chastity device, he's going to feel unwanted, and unloved. My knight is a very touchy-feely kind of guy. He needs my touch like the human body needs to breathe, like plants need sunlight and water. He also needs to know and feel that I want him, and that I enjoy his body. If I randomly grab his cock while I walk by, he melts. I can't do that if he's wearing a device. Putting him in a chastity device would probably trigger all those feelings of sex being bad that he got from his ex.
I'm also concerned that he'd feel like I don't trust him if I asked him to wear a chastity device. I trust him completely to follow our rules and to be faithful to me. He has never given me any reason to doubt him, and I think it would hurt him , and he'd blame himself if he thought I didn't trust him.
For all those reasons, I've never even considered discussing a chastity device with him.
We do use orgasm control and denial, though. He is not allowed to masturbate at all, and he's not allowed to come without my express permission. I've explained to him that I ask this of him because I like what it does to him. His reactions are more.... intense when he's been denied for a while. Teasing and orgasm denial seems to bring down what's left of his walls and lets him really get lost in the sensations. It's a huge turn on for me to spend an hour teasing him and watch him squirm, shiver and pay so much attention to what I'm doing to him that nothing else exists anymore. He doesn't react that way when he's allowed to come too often. Sometimes, If I tease too long at one time, or take him to the edge and back too many times in one session... sometimes he has flashbacks of his ex, and assumes I'm mad at him, or that I'm doing it for revenge. Several times I've offered to stop the orgasm control and denial. If it's causing him problems, I don't want it.. but each time, he's told me ... no.. he usually loves it.. it's just occasionally, when other things are going on in his head that he has problems with it. I was so concerned with it that I wrote an "out" into our rules.. he knows that if he ever wants to end the orgasm control.. there is a set way to do that without any kind of backlash from me. He's also allowed to ask me to let him to let him come when I'm teasing him. If things get too intense, he can ask for that release. I reserve the right to deny him, but under that circumstance, I would have to have a really good reason. Not once has he asked...a couple times I've reminded him he could ask for it while I was edging him, but he's never asked.
As for my own personal reasons for not locking him...
I like knowing he's on the honor system, and that he would never even consider breaking my trust by masturbating without my permission. There's something very special about that. I love it that he trusts me to manage and control his orgasms without question. Yes, he comes without permission occasionally (like the other day). But.. really those times are rare, and a chastity device wouldn't eliminate them anyway. The only time it ever happens is when I'm teasing him and not paying attention, or when we're having sex and 'forgets' to warn me.
I like being able to play with his cock anytime I want to, without having to unlock him first. To me, it seems like it would be another block to being spontaneous.. and with 4 kids at home, we have enough reasons not to be spontaneous.
I've thought about it.. and really.. the only time I'd want him to wear it is when we're not together, and having him wear it only when we're apart would probably make him wonder if he'd done something to cause me not to trust him with other women. Since I do trust him.. there's little reason for me to lock him.
If he ever shows interest in a chastity device, I'll reconsider. But for right now, I like having him unlocked and under the honor system.