Saturday, July 13, 2013

Finally... Some Sort of Explanation -- Maybe.

How a week can be so awesome and, at the same time, so totally crappy, I'll never know. But it's been a rough week around here.

My oldest daughter came home from college on July 2. She's a biochemistry graduate student and only gets 2 weeks off during the summer. We had an awesome party on July 3, and spent July 4 playing with my younger kids and just hanging out. It was a great 2 days. Then, on Friday things kind of blew up.

My 17 yr old daughter was being.... well.... a moody 17 yr old girl, and she decided to change her plans at the last minute without telling me about it...which in turn, meant completely changing family plans. I go out of my way to treat my 17 yr old like the mature young woman she is.  She gets good grades, plays 4 different musical instruments, sings, is active in our church, has a part-time job, knows what she wants to do after high school, and had solid career plans. I like and approve of her boyfriend, and can be as headstrong as her mother.  I don't mind my daughter changing plans, and I try to accommodate her, but I very much dislike having family plans changed at the last minute.  I work hard to make sure family plans work for everyone involved, including my daughters boyfriend, and having my daughter change those plans with no consideration for everyone else involved irritates me.  So, on Friday my daughter and I were dealing with typical mother/teenage girl tension. I was irritable and my knight was off kilter and a bit needy. Then I found out that he lost the cable to the printer when we moved 6 months ago. Not a big deal in the general scheme of things, but at that moment it was a big deal - mostly because I remember giving him specific packing instructions regarding the cords to the printer before we moved. Those instructions were not followed.  The lack of printer cable meant that our plans for the day were even further screwed up and that sent me into an even worse mood. My 17 yr old had the car so  we couldn't just run out and buy a new cable. Everything my oldest and I wanted to do together on Friday was hosed because somebody else didn't follow through. That kind of thing makes me very angry.. and by 6 pm I was in a rotten mood and felt like I was surrounded by people who just did not care about keeping their word to each other. And, it didn't help that I it was pms time, so my hormones were a bit out of whack.  I went to bed early and hoped Saturday would be a better day.

My knight was still off kilter on Saturday. I admit that was probably my fault. When I'm irritable my knight tends to internalize it. It doesn't matter why I'm in a bad mood.. I could be irritated with a difficult client, distracted with a writing project, or just irritable, regardless of the reason, my knight takes it to mean he's not doing "something wrong." He has a difficult time understanding that sometimes I'm just irritable.. and it's nothing he did.  I try to give him the extra guidance he needs during those times, but on Saturday his neediness just annoyed me further.   He wanted to talk about the missing printer cable, and how he didn't feel it was his fault. I didn't want to discuss it . I just wanted him to go out and buy a new cable so I could print what I needed, and be done with it-- And I told him that.   But, my knight kept pushing to talk.. kept insisting that it wasn't his fault. As far as I saw it (and still see it) if he had packed the printer the way I asked him to, the cable would not have gone missing. He didn't do as I asked, therefore  he lost the cable. Just go out and replace the damn thing, and move on. Except my knight kept talking about it. I finally blew up. During the very short argument that followed my knight said something that made it sound like he was questioning the FLR.  I walked away from him and his comment.

That evening when we were alone I asked him if he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic, if he was starting to resent it and wanted to go back to a 50/50 arrangement. He didn't answer me.  I gave him 15 minutes or so, and asked again. Still no answer. After another 10 minutes or so, I asked a third time... his answer was "I don't know. I need more time to think about it."  Okay.. fine.. but what do we do in the meantime?  He had no answer. We ended up going to bed with that question unanswered.   Now.... if you've read this blog for any time at all you know that a lot of the time I worry that I forced my knight into FLR against his wishes. Since he "was still thinking about it" I decided the best thing I could do is to back off of FLR while he thought things over. So, on Sunday I assumed a 50/50 type of dynamic. I told him that while he was thinking about whether he wanted to continue the FLR dynamic, that I would drop the FLR and go back to 50/50 because I didn't want to force FLR on him.
I stopped giving direction. When my knight asked me if I wanted him to do A or B, I answered with.. I don't know..that's your decision to make now. I didn't ask my knight to do things, or get things for me, I simply did it myself. I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just took care of my own things, and expected him to do the same.

And.. that's when things REALLY went to hell. My knight became irritable, depressed and angry. I told him that we would do things 50/50 until he made a decision as to whether or not he wanted to continue the FLR. He kept asking me "Why are you doing this to me?"  My answer was that I wasn't doing anything to him.. that I was assuming a 50/50 arrangement until he made a decision. I really was not trying to punish him. I was trying not to force him to accept my authority if he didn't want it.  He kept coming back to the printer cable thing. He thought I was being unfair,  and at one point muttered "I'm not sure I want to give you that power over me." When I asked him what he meant he said that he thought I was being unfair about the printer cable. and it really bothered him. I pointed out that HE was the only one still harping on the cable. We bought a new one, and I dropped it because there was nothing either of us could really do to fix it.

Things continued like this for the next couple days. Every day, I asked my knight if he'd made a decision yet. And every day he said he was "still thinking about it" Everyday I reminded him that we would do things 50/50 until he made a decision. It was obvious to me that he was feeling lost, depressed and miserable, but I was determined that if we returned to FLR it would be at HIS request.

By Wednesday we were barely speaking, and I'm not sure either of us knew why.

I told him that I hate feeling like I'm forcing FLR on him and that I need to know that he WANTS the FLR. It has to be something we do because he wants it.. not because I force it on him.  I told him that if we return to FLR that I need to see, hear, and know beyond all doubt that he wants that dynamic. We got into a long discussion about how I always question whether he wants it because he won't talk about his needs and his desires as far as FLR goes.  His answer was that all he really wants is for me to be happy. I reminded him that I AM happy.. happiness comes from within.. it's not something he can give me.. no matter how much he might want to. Then I told him that regardless of anything he says.. we "do FLR" for HIM.. not for me.  I took charge of him because it makes HIM happy. He finds contentment and security when I am in charge of him, and that's why we do it. I don't need the FLR to be happy, and I told him that it ticked me off that keeps saying the FLR is for me. It's not. I do it for him.. because he seems so much more content, and secure.  I don't do FLR for me.. I do it for him.   That's where I left it on Weds night.

Thursday morning nothing really changed.My knight still said he was thinking about it, while at the same time constantly asking for my guidance.I pulled him aside out of earshot of the kids and told him to stop asking for my guidance unless he'd made a decision about the FLR. Again, he said he was still thinking about it.

Thursday evening, we were watching a movie with the kids. The kids were all on the couch, and I was in a nearby chair kitting. When my knight came downstairs, my oldest asked the younger kids to scoot over and make room on the couch for daddy. The kids moved, but my knight came over and sat on the floor at my feet. My oldest told him, "You don't have to sit on the floor, there's room over here."  He answered with, "Yep. I know. I'm comfortable here."  I stopped knitting and played with his hair as he nuzzled my leg.  My knight sat at my feet until we went to bed a few hours later.

When we were alone I asked him, "So, you've made your decision, then?"

He said, "I'm sorry. I just want to get back to normal."

We talked for a couple hours about what happened. Finally he told me he felt like he shouldn't need the structure of FLR, that he thought he should be able to do this... to make me happy ..... without FLR. That he should just know. He apologized for needing the flr, and being so needy.

I told him that I don't mind FLR, but that I need him to show me that he wants and needs it. Show me it's important to him.. because I hate feeling that I've forced him into it.  I told him that I do the
FLR for him (not to him) ... because I love it when we're close.. and I want him to feel comfortable relaxing into his role.

My knight kept telling me that he feels like he shouldn't need me to set his priorities..that he feels like he should be able to figure it out for himself. But he can't.  I reminded him that I tried to shoe horn him into "typical 50/50" for years.....I expected him to figure out priorities himself, and it almost landed us in divorce court, because we were both miserable. It wasn't until we found FLR that things got better for us.

I don't understand why he's so concerned with what "should" be... and I'm not sure how to help him feel okay with what IS. My knight is obviously happier under the FLR.  How do I help him accept that there's nothing wrong with him because he prefers to be led rather than lead?



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10 comments:

  1. It seems your Knight is hung up on thinking that he shouldn't be submissive and shouldn't need your authority. He has got to realize there's nothing wrong with being submissive if that's best for the relationship, get past this, and work on being the best sub he can. It's like he just can't say the words. You have literally had the patience of Jobe with him and all else that is going on. Take what he says at face value and run full speed with the FLR. If he can't say the words, there is no denying he needs the FLR. He is obviously lost without it. When his chastity device arrives, maybe things with run a little smoother. Maybe you should remind him constantly that, if his actions don't improve, he's going to be locked up for a long time when it arrives. Tell him there will be consequences when assigned tasks are not done. No excuses.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, he is hung up on what he "should" and "should not" need or want. He seems torn -- In one sentence he tells me "I shouldn't need you to tell me what to do" and in the next sentence he says, "I'm totally lost without the FLR."

      And then he'll do things that make it seem like he's testing my resolve to lead him... Like a child or teenager tests the rules of the parents. I suppose a lot of subs test the rules, but I don't like it when he does that. I feel that if he wants FLR then he should cooperate and do what is asked and expected of him - no excuses. At the same time, I wonder if he tests the rules in order to feel more of my control. When I ask him about it, my knight tells me he's not sure. He sees it as a personal failure if I'm upset with him over anything.... which makes it even more difficult for me to understand why he doesn't always follow through on my requests.

      I'm not sure I am going to lock him. I do control his orgasms and he is absolutely not allowed to masturbate at all.. ever. That is one rule he's never broken. Okay.. I suppose he could break it without me knowing about it, but I really don't think he has. Maybe I'm being naive..but I really do believe he's not broken that rule. Locking him might help him find the feeling of control I think he might be looking for, but I think I want to try adding regular times in our day for him show his submission and devotion first. If he needs locked, I'll lock him, but to me, it's sexier when he follows my hands off rule simply because I expect him to, and not because he has no choice.

      You're right, though. I need to be firmer with him and more willing to hand down consequences for misbehavior instead of just calling him on it. I'm working on it.

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  2. i went back and looked at some of your earlier posts. It seems You started in the right direction with good motives. In October 2012 You did some reading and tried to gain some better understanding. You were looking for, or at least interested in FLR support groups. i do not know if You found a group. If not, it is still a good idea.

    i do not know if knight any reading or research. If has not, he should begin an intense reading program. In my very humble and sissy opinion, You should do more reading as well.

    You would benefit from greater confidence in Your own leadership and Head of the Household. Home schooling six children is evidence of Your ability to take charge and maintain control. knight is just another child who needs leadership and decipline. You need to decide You are the one who is going to take absolulte control.

    knight wants you to take control. Please take it. Put knight in panties and toss out any boy undies he has. he will know immediately You are incharged. The have him start reading everything on www.elisesutton.com. Life will get better for both of you. When is fails do do something, punish him immediately - corner time in the bedroom with her panties at her ankles - spanking her after the kids go to bed. It will not take long to create a new normal. You will be happier and less frustrate. knight will be much happier.

    Yes You are currently happy with a 50/50 relationship. You will be happier when You take full charge all the time.

    Your 17 year old is just a teenager. Start training Her, a little at a time.

    More forward. Everyone will be happier.

    Mistress Barbara, and
    sissy maid k

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    1. It's not confidence in leading that I lack. I was a single mom, and head of Household for 10 years.. I've managed employees, and I currently run 2 businesses.

      Being in charge doesn't scare me. I never has. I've always been a natural leader.

      The root of my problem with my knight is that I feel like I forced him into FLR against his will. When we started down this path, I gave him 2 choices, FLR or divorce - there was no other option. He chose FLR over divorce and now I question if he wanted my control, or if it was simply better than tearing our family apart.

      Essentially this part of the issue is mine. I need my knight to show me he's happy and content with FLR.

      His part of the issue is becoming comfortable with this part of himself and not blaming himself for what he thinks he "should" or "should not" need.

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    2. We are relieved that You are confident in taking charge. While knight is not yet ready to admit it, he has accepted a FLR relationship. No divorce is good evidence. Therefore, I would proceed with defacto acceptance. In time he will express it.

      If it pleases You, put him in panties. I think that will help him understand his position.

      Immediately rolling the dice is good. Consequences need to be right after the offense, or schedule immediate if it cannot be applied. Minimize the delay between the offense and the punishment.

      I (we) want to support You as much as we can.

      Thank you for your reply

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    3. Thanks. Putting him in panties does nothing for me, I need to find other ways to help him feel my authority.

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    4. If knight wears a wedding ring on his left hand, perhaps You can get him a special ring for his right hand. Only You and he will know its meaning, but the point is to remind him of Your leadership and his relationship in Your family. It should also serve as a visible reminder of his responsibility to complete all his tasks and enhance Your happiness.

      When I was transitioning Lt. K to sissy maid kay, panties worked for us. They do not work for everyone. In the beginning, the point was a visible and stedy reminder of his status and My Leadership. Over time, it became natural for my dad and sissy maid k.

      A simple ring might be make a nice private symbol.

      Good luck,

      Mistress Barbara, and
      sissy maid kay

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    5. He wears a ring on his left hand to symbolize our flr. I presented him with his ring a little over a year ago. When I gave him the ring, I told him that it symbolizes his devotion to me, and my control over him, and that he is to wear it at all times. He happily accepted the ring and its meaning.

      I don't wear a wedding ring because I am hard on my hands, and tend to ding up rings pretty badly.

      I have a little key pendant that I found at an antique shop a few years ago. I'm considering putting it on a chain and wearing it as an additional reminder to my knight. He's not locked, but the meaning is the same.

      I do appreciate your suggestions and insights. We've only been doing this for 2 years, and we're both still learning about ourselves and each other in that respect.

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  3. Flog him
    Flog the daughter while you are at it.

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  4. Angelique,

    I also enjoyed this post. Clearly you are not accepting others' rules for your own marriage and I think that is important. Every couple is unique and You and Your Knight are finding your own way as each of us is.

    Can you recommend a book that might help me and my wife along this journey?

    Also, I enjoy reading about your family challenges as my wife and I struggle to incorporate FLR into our life without having our kids know what is going on. It is a challenge!

    I also want to ask, as you have mentioned "church" in some of your posts: do you see any Biblical support for our FLR lifestyle? It seems to me that we (those practicing FLR) are on the opposite end of the spectrum from Promise Keepers and I wondered if you might have thoughts about this?

    In any event, I am getting such good ideas from you and also learning that FLR plays out differently in each relationship but most of what I get from your blog is your complete commitment to your husband and how much you love him. That is beautiful to me.

    Malone

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