......... and I feel like we are not as close as we've been in previous years. I'm examining the reasons for that.
When were we the closest we've ever been? I'd have to say that was the year I was super strict with the flr. Knight was given no wiggle room at all. If he messed up , he was punished. Those punishments usually consisted of extra chores, or staying home from events. I gave him specific assignments every time I left the house without him, and I did a lot more telling and less asking. Sure, he messed up during that year.. some months he messed up a lot, but other months went smoothly. We were able to talk about flr topics more easily than we are now. Knight didn't always answer my questions about flr and his motivations, in fact most of the time my questions were met with silence, but my knight was less closed off. He allowed himself to be more vulnerable........
I was going to comment that we had a misunderstanding which led to a lot of hurt feelings,and that's why things changed. But, it just occurred to me that is wrong. It took us several months, but we did finally get back to that level of closeness and intimacy, and we still had it when we moved.
So, what changed after we moved? Did I change? Did he change? Or did we just fall away from what we were doing that was working? Lately, it's very difficult for us to talk to each other. He comes across as uncertain, and insecure whenever flr topics come up ... he tells me that it's because he "doesn't know" what I want him to say. He says he doesn't answer and doesn't talk about it because he has no idea how I want him to answer. For my part, I've become uncertain, too. Why? Because I am not happy.. no, that's the wrong word.... I'm not reassured by his current level of participation in the flr. I want to see that the flr makes him happy. I constantly battle myself with the whole "being too bossy" thing. I spent a lot of years countering the tendency to take over, because I was taught that it was "wrong", "controlling" and "put people off". I can disregard that early teaching - I've done it. But, in order to be able to look myself in the eye when being controlling of my husband I need solid evidence that he wants it, enjoys it and at the very least, does not resent it.
He's told me several times that he does not resent it, but then he goes though our day and evening and seems to just go through the motions. I want more than that. I want him to sincerely thank me for taking control of things. I want him to appreciate me controlling and managing his orgasms, I want him to thank me for taking the time to write his daily lists. I want to know that my efforts are appreciated and not taken for granted. Even after my very serious email a few weeks ago, I do not see or feel appreciation for my efforts.
And that is a big part of the problem. Why should I put in the effort if that effort is not appreciated by the person benefiting from my actions? I feel like he's taking all this for granted, and that is part of the problem.
Another part of my issue is the almost argument we had over the pizza a few months back. There was a party at work, and I told him to limit himself to two slices of pizza. He reacts to gluten. I didn't want him to have the pizza at all, but I also didn't want him to be the oddball at work, so I told him to limit it to a slice or two. He allowed one of the women at work to push another 2 slices on him after my limit. He was upset that I'd dared tell him what to eat, and I was angry that he'd listened to another woman over what I told him. After we talked about it, he admitted that he was wrong. When I asked if I took it to far, he finally said no, it was okay. But, we never talked about how I felt that he let another woman pressure him into doing something I had told him not to. Stupid as it may be, it kind of shook my trust in him, and the flr. Yes, she is an almost 70 yr old woman, and he didn't want to be rude by refusing the pizza she went out of her way to bring him. But.. I am his WIFE, and the leader of our flr.... he should care more about offending/upsetting me than he does her. If my word didn't matter once I was out of range, then do we really have the flr I think we do?
Stupid as it sounds, that incident shook my confidence when it comes to all matters flr.
So.. between some unseen/unnoticed changes between us after the move, and the pizza incident damaging my flr confidence, I think I see now why we are not as close right now as we have been in the past.
When I look at us, and evaluate our marriage and flr in a few months (on the anniversary of his submission ring), I want to see us closer than we are now, and on our way to obtaining the close, connected, open relationship I want.