I Am Such A Different Person Than I Was Ten Years Ago

When my knight and I got together, I was a completely different person than I am now. And, I don't think all the changes are good ones.

In the comments of my post a few days ago I told MRBILL

You could simply ask her if she feels that way. I wish my knight would talk about sex. I have fun verbally teasing him and sending him suggestive emails at work. I used to send him suggestive and down right sexually blatant emails two or three times a week. He never answered them, never even acknowledged them. I told him it upset me when he ignored those emails, but it never changed. Eventually, I quit sending them. Same with talking about sex. There was a point where I verbally teased him often. Just like with the emails, I got no response, so I finally quit. 

That got me thinking. There are a lot of things that I used to, that I don't anymore. Mostly because of knight's lack of response, or seeming lack of interest.

Verbally teasing, and sending him sexually charged emails, are just the beginning. I used to be a lot more assertive in bed. There are quiet a few things that I've never done with (to) my knight that I've done to every other sex partner. Things that I used to enjoy a lot, like tying him up and playing with different textures and toys. I've never straddled my knight's face - I'm always lying on my back when he uses his tongue on me. Prostate massage is another thing I've never done to him that I have to most of my other lovers. I think I'm less likely to demand sex "right now" than I was prior to my knight, too.  I've never surprised him with a weekend (or even a night) away for the sole purpose of kinky sex. No, that's not true. I tried, multiple times, several years ago. He freaked out and froze on me, and I gave up.

There are non-sexual things too- I don't share spiritual thoughts and ideas with him anymore. I used to, but he always seemed uninterested despite saying that he wanted to learn about my ideas of spirituality. I take a metaphysical view of things, in fact I used to write a regular column called Metaphysical Christianity. The column was so popular that it was used and referred to by ministers across the country. I quit talking to knight about it. I stopped my personal New Year's Eve,Thanksgiving, Solstice, Halloween, birthday and Christmas traditions because he was uninterested in participating, and that made spending those holidays together difficult.

I've stopped expecting, asking for, or setting up romantic evenings. You know.. candles, music, incense, romantic dinner, sitting under the stars and dreaming together.... I like those kinds of cheesy romantic things. Knight never did them on his own. There was a point that I would tell him to set up something romantic every once in a while. He was so afraid of screwing it up ... that he would freak himself out over it, ask me a million times what I wanted him to do, and in the end, he screwed it up. I finally stopped asking because it was easier than dealing with what happened when I asked.

I've stopped sharing parts of myself with him because he either acts disinterested, or flatly ignores those aspects of me, or he's screwed up the event multiple times.  (last night's 1 year celebration is a good example. It was important to me in ways I won't describe here, but I saw it as a spiritual holiday to be celebrated and to be thankful for. Knight knew that, we talked about it, and he said he agreed)

Every time I've felt that I needed to stop sharing something with him, I have always warned him first. Usually with a heartfelt conversation about what he did/said that made me feel that I shouldn't share it with him. I've explained what he might do to fix it, and told him that if the situation reoccurs that I will probably stop sharing that part of my life with him.

Obviously, since I've stopped sharing these things with him, it reoccurred.

I'm not perfect. I know that I've made mistakes over the years. Hurt him when I didn't mean to, said and done stupid things. Look at our flr situation. It took me YEARS to understand what he was asking for, and even now, I'm still not sure. For years he told me to "just tell me what you want me to do," and "just give me specific instructions." For years he came to me after every task, every routine, every.. everything and asked me "what next?", and for years I told him to grow the hell up and figure it out himself. He asked me for direction, and I had no frame of reference for his behavior. I've said it before, up until that point, all I knew was a world where a guy without an opinion, or who would not voice his opinion was a guy who didn't care.  My knight was different, and it took me a long time to understand what he wanted. I still don't understand they why.

But, I've never done anything purposely to hurt him. And, I've never (to the best of my knowledge, anyway) been disinterested in anything that seemed important to him. I may not want to hear about his project at work for the hundredth time this week, but I'll always listen and try to understand when it comes to things that are important. (and I'll listen to the progress of that project for the first 50 times that week, without complaint.)  I don't think I've ever done anything to make him feel like he couldn't share a part of himself with me. If I have, he's never said anything - and I have asked.

So, I feel it's unfair that I've felt that I've had to stop doing things, and stop sharing things just to keep from feeling like my interests and feelings don't matter to him.

Now.. many of these things happened a long time ago.. before flr. He's also done a lot of healing in the 10 years we've been together. HE is not the same person that he was when we got together. I don't think he has full blown PTSD anymore. The panic reactions have faded over time and with a lot of patience and work on my part. He still freezes when I put him on the spot, and oftentimes he's still hesitant to share his feelings and thoughts with me, but at this point, I think that's more habit, than reaction.  He still hides behind his walls, though, and I hate it.

My point? I am tired of not sharing large parts of who I am with my husband, partner, and lover. I'm tired of the silence, and of feeling like he is completely disinterested in things that are important to me. I don't want to second guess myself, or stop myself from doing something simply because I don't know if it will make him freeze up. I want to be the spontaneous woman I was before.  

I miss that woman. She was fun, brutally honest, sexy, Spiritual, confident, caring, and fully engaged in her life. I've kept so much back over the years to avoid being hurt that I feel like a shell of who I was.

I'm not blaming my knight for this. I am the one who chose to protect myself from his fears and thoughtlessness (and that IS what it was. My knight would never intentionally hurt me, but he is careless and thoughtless at times, and he used to be terrified of upsetting me. And until 5 years ago or so, he was still dealing with full- blown PTSD thanks to his ex.)  I chose to stick by him, help him, and, stay in the marriage. But in doing so, I stopped sharing those parts of myself that his thoughtless actions could hurt. So, yes, it's my fault.. I did this to myself and I own that.

But, now.. I want to undo it, and I'm not sure how.