Wednesday, May 2, 2012

He Doesn't Understand the Focus

Over the weekend my Knight and I were talking some more about FLR details.. you know.. where he wants to see this go.. how far he's looking to take this .. things like that. Bottom line seems to be that he doesn't know, but does want to explore it more deeply. During our conversation he made the comment, "I've always been like this. I really don't understand your focus on it"

Hmmm.. another one of those comments that just kind of threw me. Yes, he's always been submissive. I know that. He's been doing the "stealth submission " thing with me since day one, I just didn't recognize it until recently. He was submissive before I came along - I know enough about his first marriage to be sure of that, although that's not why they split up.

It's the not understanding my focus on it that surprises me. I mean... in order to chart our relationship to somewhere we both want it to go I need to understand his "submissiveness" - the why's and hows and what's of it. Because I even recognizing that he will go where ever I lead, I would like us to be on the same page. I never want to lead him where he truly does not wish to go.

Am I over thinking all of this by trying to understand what he needs and wants from being my submissive? I do tend to over think things, but understanding his submissive buttons is important, isn't it? You can't be a good manager or leader unless you understand what motivates those you lead.

That's my focus.... trying to understand and learn to put his submission to work for us instead of it working against us like is was before.

I'm convinced my Knight's lack of understanding of why I'm focusing on this is because submission is so deeply rooted in who he is. On Monday he said something that sums up to " I wish I could quit my job and devote every minute of my life to you." Those were not his exact words, but that they accurately reflect his meaning. I have no intention of turning the kids' education over to him and going back to work full time, so he's going to have to be content in knowing by working full time outside the home he is performing an important task for me. And.. someday, (hopefully soon) when we get our various businesses and freelance activities marketed well and they are able to support the family, he may quit his 9-5 job and work from home.

This is a learning process, more for me than for my Knight. He is finally able to relax and be himself without worrying about what I'm going to think. After 7 years I've finally recognized and accepted his submission instead of trying to force him into a mold in which he does not fit.  I'm not sure that he knows where he wants this to go..... or maybe he does and he's just waiting for me to figure it all out. I don't know.

Either way, it's my job to get over my reluctance to truly lead and explore this some more


  1. Queen, if I may,

    I am where you and your knight were before you two discovered the FLM relationship option and it was he who was in stealth mode serving you. At this point, my wife has not come to be aware of her ability to dominate me. To you matter that you are contemplating, I might be able to shed some light. I can totally relate to your knight's answers. I also can totally relate to your desire to understand. In my business life, I own a professional services firm and in charge and lead a lot of people. So the need to understand my employees is very important and necessary.

    I suspect that what you have in your knight is a man that is unconditionally devoted to serving and supporting you and your vision, even with out knowing what your vision. That is because he trusts you implicitly. His love, honor and devotion to you makes it possible for him to disengage from the part of life where you reside so much,in the leadership and visionary role. So when you ask, "what do you want or where do you want this to lead"? He really does not know nor care, as long as you accept him as your submissive, you are pleased with him, and return to him what it is that he needs to fill fulfilled as a submissive. Each person is different, but in general he needs to hear explicitly from you that you are in control of him, physically and emotionally, you will dispense to him sexual pleasure as you see fit. And you will let him know when he needs to make changes to better please and serve you.

    This comes from my introspection into myself and I am sure over simplified but I am confident that the root answer to what you are searching for is that he is perfectly completed by submitting and serving you. As for where he would like to to lead, well as simple as it seems, he wants it to lead to your acknowledgement of your pleasure in him and his service to you.

    I hope it helps and I also hope that some day my wife will be seeking the answers to similar questions to understand why my greatest desire is to submit and serve her.

    I love your blog and thank you for sharing your insights and life adventures in the FLM with us.

    In Her service,

    Anne's sub

    1. Thanks! It does help. And, you have described my Knight pretty well. You're right, he is completely devoted to my goals and dreams, no matter what they may be. He's told me that quite a few times. Honestly, before I found FLR and started reading about the D/s lifestyle I assumed it was just a sweet line, I never dreamed he actually meant it to the degree he does. I don't know that I've ever met a truly submissive guy before my husband. In my past experience, a guy who says, "whatever you want,babe" is a guy who doesn't care enough to have an opinion. I've learned just how untrue that really is. And I still have a lot to learn.

      I feel bad about the hurt and conflict caused by my misunderstanding. But he couldn't explain his feelings and his needs any better than I could understand his actions.

      Finding FLR has been nothing short of a miracle for us. I hope that your wife comes to understand what you're doing and makes the changes in your marriage that you long for.

  2. I truly admire your desire to be intentional in your leadership of your family. Your husband may not understand your need to look at things "on purpose," but that is a function of leadership. You have a responsibility to keep your family functional, and that has to be done intentionally, or you both will be adrift.

    You also have a responsibility, now that he has placed himself into your hands, to make sure that he gets what he needs, just has he must make sure you get what you need from your marriage.

    Thank you for making me think about this.

    1. You're right. I do have the responsibility to make sure he gets what he needs. It's something I take pretty seriously. I'm new at this, and I know I'm going to make mistakes, but if I don't try to understand then I'm doing us both a disservice.

      Thanks for your support. Sometimes it feels like I'm mostly alone in learning how to do this whole "dominant woman" thing. LOL I spent so many years trying to curb my natural tendencies to lead. Now that I'm in a marriage where that leadership is welcome it's an interesting transition.

  3. Mistress Angelique,

    I agree with the commenters that it is often understated that the domme in a D/s relationship, although has their desires catered to, also has a role to fulfill which carries a form of burden of leadership. D/s is a completely different form of dynamic then an egalitarian one and it takes practice to get use to. It is enjoyable. You need only seek your pleasure in whatever form it may take, and use your husband’s gift of submission to those ends. It is truly wonderful. Enjoy.


    1. I don't see it as a burden. Simply a different way to do things. Not much has changed between my Knight and I on a daily basis.I've always called the shots, and my Knight has always deferred to me.

      The burden was before I recognized that he was deferring to me because he is naturally submissive...when I thought he just didn't care enough to have an opinion... When I tried not to lead because society says leading your guy is being an overpowering bitch.

      *that* was a burden. This.. embracing a FLR lifestyle and recognizing that it's just who he is.. that is a whole new, beautiful world. One that I think we're both enjoying.

    2. Mistress Angeleque,

      I guess it depends on the definition of ‘burden’. The word you used instead (responsibility), I find is really synonyms. I tend to use the word ‘burden’ in situations that are referring to contract terms. I took a business law class in undergraduate school and some of the material stuck.

      My poor wife also has to contend with me holding a masters degree in information technology. Anytime she asks me to do something technical, like fix her e-mail or clean up the DVR, I refer to how easy it is for someone with a graduate degree in information technology to do. The joke long ago got old, but still I persist.



    3. That would be the difference. I don't do business law. I make my living with words. I'm a technical writer with several books published by big-name publishers, and hundreds of magazine articles published on IT, technology and health topics.

      Personally, I prefer the commonly used definition of "burden" as "a heavy load, difficult to carry; a weight."

      It's all in the phrasing and the meaning of the words used. Responsibility I take on willingly, while I shed things that are burdens like a snake sheds its skin.

      Luckily for me, my Knight is also a writer. He shares my obsession over the meaning and color of words. If he didn't, I could see my precision with words causing tons of problems.


    4. ...a published author. Impressive.


      I am just a geek down in the coal mine.

      I defer to you that colloquial usage should trump dictionary definitions. It is clearly the correct approach. I am a work in progress (WiP in author circles I believe is correct). From the starting point my wife had to work with, which was heavily damaged goods, she had made little progress in making me cool. I feel it a lost cause, but she still tries.


    5. um.. SH.... what I gave you was the dictionary definition, not colloquial. Here's the link:

      Like I said.. I'm a word geek. No offense intended, just my personal obsession. :-)

    6. And.. being a published author isn't so impressive. I tend and perfect my craft just as I'm sure you do yours.I've been writing stories and studying words since I was a little kid. Everybody has something they are an expert in. Mine just happens to be words.

    7. Mistress Angelique,

      The way it was taught to me was the two parties entering into a contract each carry a burden from the obligations of the contract. It is the exchange of obligations that are what contracts are for. Not sure why the on-line Webster’s does not reflect this definition, but the below one does. Not to belabor the point, but thought I would pass this along as an FYI for your fancy of word usages. The term burden in relation to contract terms has all but been replaced, but it was not that long ago the common method to detail the obligations to each of the parties entering the contract. For instance….

      I agree to use your service to me to enjoy myself. This is my burden.

      You agree to live in my service. This is your burden.

      Now let us put this on a piece of paper and sign it. It then becomes a contract. It may also be a binding contract verbally, as was common prior to literacy being prevalent.

      Enjoy wording… you and your husband must be mean at cross word puzzles. I am glad to participate with my limited means.




  4. Queen

    It's refreshing to hear from a wife that actively seeks to understand and grow their dominance in their relationship with their husband. You are quite right to highlight the fact that there is a burden placed upon the wife of a submissive man and it is not as easy as just taking what is being offerred

    1. Like I said to SH leading is not a burden. A responsibility, yes. But not a burden.

      Before FLR we were a hairsbreath from divorce. We were both miserable and hurting and had no real idea why.
      Since I started us on the FLR path the burden has been lifted and I can once again see the sweet guy I fell in love with. I would rather fill pages upon pages of writing in an attempt to figure out and understand what he needs from this than go back to were we were for one instant.



Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...