The positive is that I recognized, and addressed, these things after one week, not the typical month or more.
Yesterday there were three different times when I felt knight was either overstepping is place, being inconsiderate, or simply not thinking. Then, it happened again this morning - twice- before he left for work. None of these incidents were major. It was all small stuff.
- Not speaking to me when he came into the library
- sitting across the table from me (instead of next to me)
- getting involved in something on his laptop instead of working on the writing project
- not telling me he was just a little closer to orgasm that I though he was this morning. I ruined it, but he did not have my permission
- not making my coffee this morning.
As I made my coffee (he was in the shower, and I didn't want to wait for the coffee), I thought about these minor irritations, and the comments some of my readers have made over the last month or so.
It occurred to me that knight is having these minor slips because I'm not doing my job.. not fulfilling my role as leader, and not insisting he follow the rules. He's not feeling my control because I've slipped again. Knight is - on some level- trying to push me into taking that control again.
Once again, I didn't set out to loosen my hold on knight, but it happened anyway. I've given a good deal of thought to why I slacked off. Here's what I came up with.
- Thanksgiving holiday. I simply became lax because of the change in my routine
- My oldest daughter came home for a week. She went back to school on Tuesday morning. I toned down the more obvious stuff. For example, knight didn't sit on the floor in front of me once while she was here, and I got my own evening meds when the alarm went off. I usually ask knight do get it for me.
- I'm focused on making a very tight writing deadline. My attention has simply been elsewhere.
- Uncertainty about the training thing. I've been avoiding the additional training knight asked for because I've been unsure where to start.
Knight has reacted to each of these things.
- While my daughter was here, knight asked me several times if I was upset with him. I wasn't, and I told him so. It didn't occur to me that he felt neglected because I wasn't allowing him to do as many things for me with oldest daughter here.
- Knight has been slightly withdrawn and seemed kind of down over the last couple days. I've asked him what was wrong, but each time he told me nothing. (remembering that knight often doesn't openly admit or recognize when he's feeling a lack of my control)
- Knight has asked for step-by-step instructions on things he should not need them for.
- He's been questioning himself more over the last few days.
- He's been physically distant.
I'm happy that I recognized what was going on before it became a problem In the past, this kind of thing has become a downward spiral. I am not going to let that happen this time.
Here is how I am remedying the situation.
- While knight was getting dressed this morning, I told him that he's been getting sloppy again. I spelled out each incident of sloppiness yesterday and this morning,and told him that even though I was lax over the holiday, I expected him to maintain the standards.
- At the same time I told him I expect the sloppiness to stop immediately.
- I told him he's been careless and inattentive when it comes to sex, and that's not acceptable.
- I sent him an email telling him exactly what I want for breakfast in the morning, and when he told me he wasn't sure how to make it, I reminded him where the recipes are kept. (instead of simply giving him the recipe)
- When he gets home from activities with the kids this evening I'm going to ask for a full body massage. He's going to spend as long as I want him to rubbing his favorite scented oil into my body while we watch an adult movie. He will be denied orgasm and I won't directly touch his cock.
- Tomorrow morning I will begin teaching knight how I want him to wake me up each morning.
- I am making a list of things I want knight to learn. I will start teaching him one item from the list each week.
- I'll make it a point to resume using phrases that remind knight he belongs to me.
sounds like we all have the same issues! I find myself "testing" l07s control and get disappointed when she does not react
ReplyDeleteHave you tried talking to l07 instead of "testing"? I can only speak for myself, but when knight acts out to test my control it causes me to feel insecure about our power dynamic. Insecurity and doubt make it difficult to be dominant.
DeleteHi Angelique
DeleteThank you for the reply. Lo7 and I talked the other day
she would like to make 2015 the year she takes more control and becomes "boss" any suggestions would be much appreciated!
kb7
The most important thing I've done in taking control of our flr is to identify the reasons I'm doing this. When flr gets hard, remembering my reasons points me in the right direction.
DeleteIf Lo7 would like to talk to me, she can email me at sexyangelique@gmail.com. I don't know that giving you suggestions to give to her would be very effective, because then you would know what she's got planned. Ask her to email me, I'll help however I can.
I will bring it up with LO7 when the time is right , I hope she will contact you! thank you
DeleteI am glad that you became aware so early in the cycle this time. After writing a lengthy comment to your Thanksgiving post, I discovered that there is a limit to the size of the comment I can post. I will try to send them as several smaller posts.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time that I have ever tried to post a comment on a blog, I hope that I am doing it correctly. I have just finished reading ALL of your posts as well as ALL of the comments, including the ones from the "lets write about my fantasy boys".
I hope that I am not going to offend you, but your approach to FLR would make me a nervous wreck. It seems as though you are asking Knight (yes I capitalized it on purpose) if he wants to drop the FLR in almost every other post. That has got to make him question whether or not you really want to continue with it. He wants to please you, so how can he answer you if he is continually placed in a state of confusion? I know that both of you write, but if Knight is anything like me, which I think that we could be brothers based on the way you have described him, there is a huge difference between creating a story and actually putting one’s FEELINGS into words. Sometimes I feel like a caveman…”Ugh, good” or “Ugh, bad”. I really have no idea beyond either a positive or a negative feeling.
Your caveman comment made me laugh. Knight is often unable to describe how he feels beyond "good" or "bad." Sometimes he's not even able to give me that much. And.. that is why I question the flr so often. Sometimes I honestly can't tell if he's having an issue with the flr in general, or just adjusting to the situation. When I ask him if he wants the flr it's always meant to clarify that we're still on the same page, that he still wants the dynamic. We have flr because it fulfils a need in my knight. We don't do it for me, and I'm not into forcing it on him. I honestly don't comprehend his need/desire for flr. I know he needs it, but I don't understand why. I would hate and resent being in his position. So, when I'm not sure why he's dropping his responsibilities, and acting like a crabby teenager, my first thought is that he's starting to resent the flr dynamic. So, I ask him... How else am I going to get an answer to that question.
DeleteExcept.. you are correct. My asking if he wanted the flr made him think that I didn't want it, or that I resented the extra work the dynamic brings. He felt like I was the one who didn't want it, and that he was "forcing" the flr on to me. Which, of course, made him feel bad for needing and wanting it. And, you're right. My questioning it was making him nervous and unsure. Part of flr for my knight is knowing how to make me happy with him, and for him that is knowing "his place." When I questioned the flr, he felt unsure of his "place."
We had that discussion before Thanksgiving. I promised him that I won't ask or question it any more. My responsibility is to keep to flr dynamic in everything and trust that he will speak up if the dynamic becomes a problem.
#2
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of pushing yet one more fantasy on you in the guise of “Advice”, here is mine.
1. STOP second guessing yourself. You have both admitted that he needs you to be in charge. He is happier, more productive, and more self-confident with you in charge, so why question it every time trouble comes. You are both human and probably make mistakes on rare occasions, so just roll with it.
2. When Knight transgresses in some way, for whatever reason, there must be consequences. Knight is not another one of your children, but by being in an FLR your have the freedom to administer discipline as you see fit. As a retired school teacher, I am a proponent for corporal punishment when it is given with a loving heart. You know the old this is going to hurt me more that it does you, kind of thing. The beauty of a spanking is that it is over fairly quickly, but warmth that it creates lasts for a while. The one giving it is able to get past their anger or upset more quickly. I am not saying that you should spank when you are still seething, but you have mentioned a few times about remaining angry for several days over an incident. That is not healthy for either of you. The transgressor is able to pay for his misdeed, put it behind him, and be ready to grow in the relationship rather than withdraw into himself until it seems that you are no longer mad at him. Although a good paddling provides a great deal of pain, it should not do any lasting damage. That pain will straight to the core of ones being where mere words must find their way through all of the barriers that life has helped us build. I know that you have stated that you are not comfortable with corporal punishment, but you did question what Knight’s reaction might be if you purchased a paddle. I would suggest that you give it a try a few times. It will probably take a few times for you to get over hesitancy.
3. STOP asking so many questions. A couple of times you have mentioned having a review time, that is when you should ask for his take on how things are going. This is not the time for you to ask if he wants to end the FLR. In fact, you should never ask that question again. If that comes from anyone, it should be Knight. You need to make him feel as though he can freely voice his opinion regarding anything that has passed between the two of you since the last review without hurting or angering you. If he feels that a consequence that he has received was unjust, this is the time that he should feel free to express it.
1. Yep. You are correct. The questioning is my issue, not his. I question it so often because when we first started flr he had 2 choices. Agree to flr, or we separate. I've always wondered if I "forced" him into flr. He assures me I didn't, but for a long time I wondered. I think I'm past that now - at least for now.
Delete2. While spanking knight would seem to be an easy and straight forward solution, it feels abusive to me. I come from an abusive bio-family and spanking my husband (or anyone else for that matter) as punishment just feels wrong. Now.. if he were to ask me to whip him, or spank him as a sexual thing, I could do it. But as a punishment.. I just can't.
3.Yeah. I ask lots of questions, and over think things. Those two things make flr more difficult for us. Knight does voice his opinions if he thinks a punishment was unfair. He's finally gotten to the point where he can say what's on his mind and move on. Before he would tell me it was unfair and then start rebelling against everything. The last time he thought something was unfair he was able to tell me how he felt without the accompanying rebellion. It was much more pleasant for both of us.
And finally, for now anyways.
ReplyDeleteI think that you have been sending mixed signals from the beginning of your attempts at an FLR. I am sure that Knight is a bit insecure with regard to needing your “guidance”. I know that I am. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t assume the worst every time Knight fails. Remember that he has to deal with all of those “What a REAL man does” trainings, not to mention all of the leftovers from the first marriage. Be forgiving of yourself when you slipup. You are dealing with all of that indoctrination also.
And that is all that I have to say about that.
I would like to talk to you about some alternative treatment for some physical ailments if possible.
You're right on just about all accounts. I came to many of these conclusions on my own when my knight and I talked a few weeks ago. Making changes is a process, and these changes require a fair number of mental shifts on my part.
DeleteAs for the natural health questions, send me an email to sexyangelique@gmail.com, and I'll answer any questions you have, and point you in the direction of other resources.
Oh.. and there is no reason to concern yourself with offending me. I am not easily offended, and I'm open to suggestions and advice.
DeleteI haven't forgotten about your health questions. I have not had a chance to check that email. I'm hoping to read it today.
DeleteAngelique,
ReplyDeleteJust a thought here-in the examples you gave of when he failed to meet your expectation, in each case it seemed as if you let him get him get away with his miss deeds. In each situation there was a teachable moment.
He didn't make your coffee and now he's in the shower… Maybe you should have gotten him out of the shower naked and wet and made him make your coffee and then finish his shower.
He didn't sit next to you… Maybe you should have made him sit next to you immediately and tell him not to do that again.
He didn't speak to you when he came into the library… Make him walk out and then come back in and do it the right way.
I don't know if this really gets to the core of his issue which seems to me to be rebellion but at least you are not letting him get the feeling that he is getting away with things like he used to.
You're right. I should have dealt with each situation when it happened. I fell into old patterns. It's something I struggle with constantly.
DeleteHe may be cumming too much, it even having too many ruined orgasms. It makes a man less interested and sloppy with his duties. If I ever forgot to make my wife's coffee in the morning, I would be tied up in her closet every day for several weeks. That is a major offense for her.
ReplyDeleteMaybe, but I don't think so. Knight's slip ups tend to happen when I'm too laid back about flr issues. I need to remind him often that I'm in charge. When there isn't a constant and obvious power dynamic, he feels neglected and acts out.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWith Respect and with hopes of not offending (yes I know what you said about that and I will address that issue also); On. December 5, 2014 at 3:53 PM Angelique wrote:
ReplyDeleteWe don't do it for me, and I'm not into forcing it on him. I honestly don't comprehend his need/desire for flr. I know he needs it, but I don't understand why. I would hate and resent being in his position.
To me that statement indicates that you are not in your FLR and that it is no wonder your Knight does not know how to serve you. How could he, by this statement, he is not serving you and instead is serving himself. As long as he serves himself he will continue to be lost and make the mistakes about which you write. In a prior issue you wrote that Knight needs you there more and that you were searching for a way to make you presence more known.
Again with respect, how about:
We do it for me. I'm not into forcing it on him. I honestly don't comprehend his need/desire for flr but I like_____ aspect of this relationship. I know he needs it, and so do I, but I don't understand why. I would hate and resent being in his position but that somewhere inside of me I find a great pleasure in making him...
This is my opinion and I in no way criticize you, your method, your man, your relationship or otherwise.
On the same date and I believe at about the same time you wrote: “Oh…And there is no reason to concern yourself with offending me. I am not easily offended…”
That is very nice and quiet courteous but I believe is shows some of your problem with your Knight.
Please understand that I am in no way advocating anything less than full respect but as a submissive male, “Life is good” told you he was, writing to you a publishing leading female; he is, as is your Knight, and nearly every male who reads here more than inherently concerned with offending you. I believe that when you can derive pleasure from the knowledge of that fact and be comfortable in that knowledge you will better understand “. I know he needs it, but I don't understand why.”
Gat1207
Boy I think I like lurking better!
I wasn't going to address this, but I feel like I need to.
DeleteYou said: "To me that statement indicates that you are not in your FLR and that it is no wonder your Knight does not know how to serve you. How could he, by this statement, he is not serving you and instead is serving himself. As long as he serves himself he will continue to be lost and make the mistakes about which you write."
While you may be correct that my knight often isn't sure what I want from him, I don't believe that the fact we do FLR for him is the issue. The issue is that I tend to assume he knows what I want from him because we've been together for 10 years. I feel he should know by now what is expected of him. We do FLR for him.. because knight thrives when I'm in charge. I don't need FLR to be happy in my marriage. Knight does. That is not him serving himself. It's working together to give us both what we need. I would guess that many women undertake flr because their men desire or thrive under it.
In your response you took something I had written and changed it. I assume it was an attempt to give me an idea how I should look at things. But, here's the problem with that.. I don't need flr, and I don't "take great pleasure" in making my knight do anything. I enjoy flr because I love what the dynamic does for my knight. I can not say "I know he needs it, and so do I." Because that is not true. I don't need to dominate my husband in order to be happy. I'm not going to lie to him, myself, or the people who read this blog.
As far as the submissive males who read and comment on my blog, It is not my place to dominate any of them. They are not MY submissive males. Each of them belongs to someone else. My knight is submissive to ME, and only me. I allow him to open doors, carry things, get plates, get drinks, etc for our daughters because he enjoys it, and I think it's important for our daughters to feel comfortable accepting that type of behavior from a man. It's something I never learned until I met knight. BUT.. he is submissive to me and to me alone. If some other woman treated my husband as their submissive I would tear her apart. And then I'd tear knight apart for allowing it. That said, it is not my place to show dominance to submissive males who don't belong to me.
Further, I value the opinions, suggestions, and ideas of most of the submissive guys who read and comment on this blog. They have given me a lot of valuable insight into the mind of submissive males. They've helped me figure out what and how my knight thinks and feels, when he couldn't put it together himself. I want them (and you) to feel free to speak their thoughts and opinions here without fear of offending me. If someone is afraid of offending me, I might miss valuable insight, or suggestions. Not being easily offended is the mark of a good leader.
I think I understand what you're saying.. You're saying I should be more dominant and enjoy my position as the dominant. And, I do. But, I do it my way. I'm still learning what "my way" is.. I'm the leader of my marriage and the person in charge of our life. I expect my knight to follow my lead, and do what is expected of him without a lot of punishment and drama. I do my best to make my expectations clear to knight. I feel like he sometimes tries to push me to punish him. To me, that is unacceptable behavior,and I don't want to give in to that. To me, that's leading on my terms. I make mistakes. Hell, I make a LOT of mistakes. But, I think I'm getting better at this.
I appreciate your comments. Don't lurk. Conversations like these help me to better clarify my thoughts, feelings, and needs.