This is SUCH a difficult lesson for me-- Knight needs me to be firm, and unwavering in our FLR. When I waver, or back off to "give him space" things go to hell fairly quickly. Yes, I've discussed this before, in fact, it's an on-going theme.
So, the question I need to ask myself is WHY am I so slow to learn this? I know my Knight thrives with me in firmly in charge of our daily activities. Heck, there have even been times that I have taken charge of his activities at work, telling him which part of a project to work on first, or what do accomplish during what part of his workday. Having me firmly in control helps him clear the random and destructive thoughts out of his head, it reduces the constant stress he feels at trying to make everyone happy, and it gives him a clear path to follow.
Again.. I know these things about him.
So, then,why is it do difficult for me to follow through and take that leading role in everything? I am a natural leader. I always have been the one in charge. I take charge of most situations and rarely defer to anyone. I've always been the woman in charge in social situations, work situations, etc. I'm the planner, and the person who motivates others to do their part.
So, then WHY do I struggle to maintain that role with my husband? Why to I waver, and start asking his opinions or giving him the opportunity to make some of these decisions himself? Thing always fall apart when I give him too much say in things, or too many decisions to make.
There's one main reason:
Sometimes I feel like not giving my knight a say in things is somehow abusive. I have ended otherwise good relationships with guys who were less "controlling" then I am with knight. If I'm not willing to be treated that way, what right do I have to treat my husband like that?
I would absolutely have a fit if a significant other treated one of my adult children that way. If I don't want my kids treated that way, how can I treat my husband like that? That's what is going through my head..
.....but......if my adult child was naturally submissive and wanted/needed that kind of relationship to be happy then would I be okay with it?
.....I have 4 daughters and 2 sons. Would I want them to do what society deems "correct" even if it makes them unhappy? No. I've raised my children to follow their hearts and do what is right for them regardless of what anybody (including ME) says or thinks about it. Granted, three of my kids are still at home. Of the six kids we have two teen boys and one pre-teen girl. I talk to the three of them about making their own choices, and not being pressured into doing something that seems wrong to them. At the same time, I talk to my sons about girls, dating, and sex, and we talk about never pressuring a girl.. ANY girl into anything she doesn't want. If she says no, whether it's sex, or just which movie to go to, they shouldn't try to impose their will on them.. let the girl pick activities, treat her well, etc, etc..
My 2 adult daughters are both strong, independent women who are learning to be in charge in their romantic relationships.
Would I want my sons to have most choices taken from them by a significant other? I've raised them think for themselves, and to learn to identify what makes them happy and content. But, they are still teens-- emotionally immature, and unable to make that kind of decision. So, NO. I would not allow a girlfriend to tell them what to do. But.. as they mature into men? I want them to have happy, fulfilling relationships... and I would expect any woman they marry to meet their needs, no matter what they are. And at that point, those needs are none of my business...
Which brings me back to my knight. IS it abusive of me to take away so many of his day-to-day decisions?
By society standards, the answer to that is probably "yes." But.. then the question is-- Do I agree with society's opinion of what is abusive?
The answer to that question is No-absolutely not.
I believe that abuse is in the eye of the person on the receiving end. Many people view BDSM relationships as "abusive." But, I don't see it that way because all parties are involved willingly. They WANT to be there.
To me, abuse is somebody doing something to you that you don't want, that you don't like, or that hurts you physically without your permission, or hurts you emotionally and psychologically.
I don't like being hit. I don't even like my knight smacking me on the ass, and he learned early that it was NOT acceptable to me. But he grins like a fool if I punch him on the shoulder, or playfully smack him.
For me, being smacked on the ass makes me feel uncomfortable. It's demeaning, and insulting... and if he did it all the time, I would eventually view the continued action as mildly abusive........but my knight loves it, and doesn't at all view it that way when I swat him.
Same action-- two different reactions.
So, I can't base MY interpretation of flr on how being submissive makes ME feel. I have to look it makes my knight feel.
We've talked about it. He does NOT view my dominance of him as abusive. He thrives on it.. even though he still hates the word "submissive." He thrives on the structure, and guidance...he feels more confident knowing *exactly* what I want from him in every given situation, and at every moment.
Knowing all this, why do I still question myself when it comes to dominating my knight? After all these years, I still struggle with the idea that I am somehow being abusive, mean and unfair?
I have seen with my own eyes that my marriage is stronger, more peaceful, closer, and frankly, almost perfect, when I maintain a firm control.. firm guidelines, and firm expectations for my knight. We are both happier.
When I start letting my dominance slip, start giving him more choices, and more say in things, we start bickering, misunderstandings happen, he turns into a jerk, and things go downhill from there.
So.. again, why do I struggle with this? The results of a firm flr are clear and consistent in our life.
And yet..there is still a part of me that struggles with the idea that I'm being abusive by dominating him.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Friday, May 27, 2016
More on the Freezing thing..
Here's another good example of what I've been talking about. This is pretty representative of what happens:
I like to write erotica. I don't consider myself a fantastic erotica writer, but I'm good enough to have had been paid for more than a few published pieces. In fact, way back when I was a single mom erotica writing regularly contributed to my income. When knight and I moved in together I slowly stopped selling to erotica magazines and websites because I was busy with other things, and with his income we didn't need the money my erotica writing brought in. But, I never stopped writing it. The focus of my stories changed from what sold, to what he and I both enjoyed. I wrote primarily for him, and shared my stories with a handful or so of select people. It was fun and a turn on for both of us.
We're both writers, and I thought it might be fun to write a sexy story together, round robin style. When I asked knight about it, he said it sounded like a neat idea. So I started a story and emailed it to my knight. I invited him to add a few lines and send it back to me.
Two days later I hadn't gotten the story back. I waited a week before I said something about it. He said he had gotten busy and forgotten about it. He apologized and told me he'd play with it the following week. I suggested we pull the story out and mess it with over the weekend, after kids were in bed. He agreed, said it sounded fun, and then it never happened.
Sometime during the next week he sent me the story back. He'd added less than a paragraph, and the sentences he did add were.... let's just say it seemed like he didn't spend much time on them.
I added another paragraph and sent it back to him. Same thing. He was obviously not into it.
I tried talking to him about it, and he assured me that he *was* into writing the joint story, but that he was having trouble with it. He asked me to start another one.
So, I did. This time I purposely left my first paragraph generic so it could go just about anywhere. The idea was to let him lead the story and see where he wanted to take it.
No answer. At all.
When I talked to him, he said he was tunnel visioned on something and apologized.
A month later, still nothing. So, I dropped it. He was obviously not interested.
Knight liked what I was writing, or at least he said he did, so I continued to write for him. And, I continued sharing my stories with a handful of people. Whether my knight really liked what I was writing or at least he said he did. I suppose I'll never really know, but I absolutely do know that the friends I was sharing the writing with absolutely loved it. In fact it was so popular that a few people asked to share my writing with other friends, and pretty soon I had friends-of-friends emailing to ask if I would write a custom story for them. My knight didn't mind, and it was a turn on for me, so I did. I always shared what I'd written with him just to keep everything above board, so to speak. He liked some of the stories, and didn't like others, just like anything else I write.
Every so often I'd try sending him another round robin story starter because the idea of writing erotica with him was really hot. I wrote him stories based on his fantasies, and on mine.. I bought erotica for us to read together, and asked him to do the same, but it never happened.
Eventually I stopped writing for him (but continued writing for others) because he just didn't seem all that into it. I was kind of sad, because it's something that is really fun for me, and tends to get me going, and I wanted to share that with him. I've never had what could be considered a super strong sex drive, but writing and reading erotica always puts me in the mood. But, it didn't seem like he was interested, so I stopped trying to force the issue, but told him if he wanted to write something with me, to let me know.
That was a couple years ago.. I still write erotica, but I haven't shared any with him in years because of his lack of interest.
A few weeks ago, the topic came up. We were talking about fun things we used to do together that we don't anymore. I mentioned the attempt at joint stories and asked him what it was about it that he didn't like.
His answer was that he liked it just fine, loved reading what I had written for him and for others, liked the idea of reading stories by other authors together. Then he told me that he'd gotten a huge kick out of the fact that I was a published erotica writer, and equally loved knowing I was writing sexy stories for our friends. He said he loved the joint story, round robin thing, too, and that he missed it a lot when I stopped sharing that with him.
So, of course, the obvious question is ...........then why did you show so little interest when I was doing it?
His answer? He didn't know. He couldn't figure out what I wanted him to write, what I wanted to hear, or what I wanted to read, and trying to figure it out simply paralyzed him, so he did nothing. He said that he never picked a story for us to read together because he didn't want to pick something I'd hate. He didn't want to react too much to the stories I wrote because he didn't know what kind of reaction I wanted from him.
Sigh......and 10 years later.. we still have the same issue--- he freezes when he doesn't know/understand *exactly* what I want. And I can't get him to understand that when I ask him a question, or ask his opinion, I want HIS opinion. I want his honest reaction when I do or say a thing. I don't what him to sugar coat it, I don't want to be humored. And I certainly don't want him to freeze because he's trying to figure out how I expect him to react. I've lost count of the number of times he's told me that he can't tell me what he thinks about something until I tell him what I want to do about it. It's maddening.
I like to write erotica. I don't consider myself a fantastic erotica writer, but I'm good enough to have had been paid for more than a few published pieces. In fact, way back when I was a single mom erotica writing regularly contributed to my income. When knight and I moved in together I slowly stopped selling to erotica magazines and websites because I was busy with other things, and with his income we didn't need the money my erotica writing brought in. But, I never stopped writing it. The focus of my stories changed from what sold, to what he and I both enjoyed. I wrote primarily for him, and shared my stories with a handful or so of select people. It was fun and a turn on for both of us.
We're both writers, and I thought it might be fun to write a sexy story together, round robin style. When I asked knight about it, he said it sounded like a neat idea. So I started a story and emailed it to my knight. I invited him to add a few lines and send it back to me.
Two days later I hadn't gotten the story back. I waited a week before I said something about it. He said he had gotten busy and forgotten about it. He apologized and told me he'd play with it the following week. I suggested we pull the story out and mess it with over the weekend, after kids were in bed. He agreed, said it sounded fun, and then it never happened.
Sometime during the next week he sent me the story back. He'd added less than a paragraph, and the sentences he did add were.... let's just say it seemed like he didn't spend much time on them.
I added another paragraph and sent it back to him. Same thing. He was obviously not into it.
I tried talking to him about it, and he assured me that he *was* into writing the joint story, but that he was having trouble with it. He asked me to start another one.
So, I did. This time I purposely left my first paragraph generic so it could go just about anywhere. The idea was to let him lead the story and see where he wanted to take it.
No answer. At all.
When I talked to him, he said he was tunnel visioned on something and apologized.
A month later, still nothing. So, I dropped it. He was obviously not interested.
Knight liked what I was writing, or at least he said he did, so I continued to write for him. And, I continued sharing my stories with a handful of people. Whether my knight really liked what I was writing or at least he said he did. I suppose I'll never really know, but I absolutely do know that the friends I was sharing the writing with absolutely loved it. In fact it was so popular that a few people asked to share my writing with other friends, and pretty soon I had friends-of-friends emailing to ask if I would write a custom story for them. My knight didn't mind, and it was a turn on for me, so I did. I always shared what I'd written with him just to keep everything above board, so to speak. He liked some of the stories, and didn't like others, just like anything else I write.
Every so often I'd try sending him another round robin story starter because the idea of writing erotica with him was really hot. I wrote him stories based on his fantasies, and on mine.. I bought erotica for us to read together, and asked him to do the same, but it never happened.
Eventually I stopped writing for him (but continued writing for others) because he just didn't seem all that into it. I was kind of sad, because it's something that is really fun for me, and tends to get me going, and I wanted to share that with him. I've never had what could be considered a super strong sex drive, but writing and reading erotica always puts me in the mood. But, it didn't seem like he was interested, so I stopped trying to force the issue, but told him if he wanted to write something with me, to let me know.
That was a couple years ago.. I still write erotica, but I haven't shared any with him in years because of his lack of interest.
A few weeks ago, the topic came up. We were talking about fun things we used to do together that we don't anymore. I mentioned the attempt at joint stories and asked him what it was about it that he didn't like.
His answer was that he liked it just fine, loved reading what I had written for him and for others, liked the idea of reading stories by other authors together. Then he told me that he'd gotten a huge kick out of the fact that I was a published erotica writer, and equally loved knowing I was writing sexy stories for our friends. He said he loved the joint story, round robin thing, too, and that he missed it a lot when I stopped sharing that with him.
So, of course, the obvious question is ...........then why did you show so little interest when I was doing it?
His answer? He didn't know. He couldn't figure out what I wanted him to write, what I wanted to hear, or what I wanted to read, and trying to figure it out simply paralyzed him, so he did nothing. He said that he never picked a story for us to read together because he didn't want to pick something I'd hate. He didn't want to react too much to the stories I wrote because he didn't know what kind of reaction I wanted from him.
Sigh......and 10 years later.. we still have the same issue--- he freezes when he doesn't know/understand *exactly* what I want. And I can't get him to understand that when I ask him a question, or ask his opinion, I want HIS opinion. I want his honest reaction when I do or say a thing. I don't what him to sugar coat it, I don't want to be humored. And I certainly don't want him to freeze because he's trying to figure out how I expect him to react. I've lost count of the number of times he's told me that he can't tell me what he thinks about something until I tell him what I want to do about it. It's maddening.
Ugh.....
Frustration is setting in again. My knight is overwhelmed with a project at work, and still depressed and feeling helpless because of the situation with my step-son. His refusal (or inability) to take solid action regarding the step-son situation almost split us up. He felt backed into a corner by people who are "supposed" to be helping our teen, but who, in reality are causing unneeded stress within our family, and making things worse. They are completely ignoring the law in our situation, and I thought we should hire a lawyer, but one of the people involved with my step-son's care told us that if we hired a lawyer it would make us look like we thought we needed legal representation, and make us look "guilty." (of what, exactly, I am not sure.) My Knight was afraid to speak out, hesitant to hire a lawyer, and afraid stand up for himself with these people, and the stress on me and the other kids was becoming over the top. I was continually telling my Knight that he needed to stand up for us, and hire a lawyer but he refused to do as I asked because he was afraid of backlash from the doctors and psychologist who are supposed to be helping our son. That was reasonable, considering the backlash from an incompetent psychiatrist is what caused the mess to begin with. (Lesson learned.. NEVER file a complaint against a psychiatrist if there is ANY chance your kid might see that dr. again.. EVER)
It finally came down to an ultimatum. I told my knight that if he didn't agree to hire a lawyer to deal with these people for us, that I was taking the other 2 kids and moving to another state where we wouldn't have to deal with this mess because the stress was just to much. Then, I gave him one week to take action.In that week, I did some job hunting, and found a couple potential houses for my kids and I in the new state. I picked this specific state and town because it's only 1 hour away from where we are now, and the laws regarding natural medicine and Naturopathy are significantly different. I am a degreed Naturopath, but I can't practice in the state we live in because of licensing laws. I CAN practice in the next state over.. In fact, I can be a primary care provider and even take insurance in the next state over. -- which means that supporting my kids, and starting over if necessary would not be a problem.
Two days later we had appointments to interview 4 lawyers, and four days later we hired a lawyer.
The lawyer has taken a lot of the pressure off of us, and stopped the harassment we were receiving. But, of course the situation is not over, and and the struggles between knight and I are not over. We've been struggling for years.
Why?
Lack of communication.
That's it in a nutshell. He and I don't communicate well. Let me rephrase that.... HE does not communicate well.. hell, he barely talks to me about anything important at all. He goes to great lengths not to react to things, and to keep his emotions hidden from everyone. Even me. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative, he hides how he feels.
A big part of that is his on-going depression. And I've come to the conclusion that second biggest reason for his lack of communication is his tendency toward being submissive.
What do I mean? Take last weekend, for example -- We have a running list that I keep for my knight of things I need him to accomplish. When there is something I need him to do, I add it to the list. If I need it done by a certain time or date, I add a deadline. The ap we use allows me to add notes, pictures, or files to the task item. When knight finishes the task, he crosses it off the list.
Simple, right?
It is.. except knight makes it difficult because he can't prioritize between items on the list and not on the list..
Several weeks ago, I added three items to his list: fix the molding by our bedroom door, haul something heavy out to the car for me, so I could donate it, and hang a pull up bar for my son. These items had a deadline of end of the day the following Sunday.
Again, simple, right?
These task items remained undone for over a month.
The first time he missed the deadline, I tried to talk to my knight about why these things went undone. His answer was (once again) that in his head what I ask of him NOW, takes priority over what's on the list. Then he went on to say that he spent all weekend doing what I wanted him to do, and there was no time left to do things on the list. The way he phrased it made it sound like I kept him so busy all weekend that he didn't have time to do what was on the list.
I got angry because that's really not true at all. We went hiking together, and he burned trash. That was all I asked of him all weekend. He spent the majority of his time either following me around, getting me random stuff that he thought I wanted (Example: you look like you want something to drink.. here, let me get you some tea), or sitting/standing next to me. When I pointed that out to him, Knight's answer was he was doing those things because he thought it was what I wanted. He told me that he couldn't just leave me and go off to do the items on his list.. it was his job to be right there when and if I wanted him, which meant that he couldn't be outside hanging the pull up bar, in the hall, or hauling thing to the car because I might want something while he was gone and then he wouldn't be doing his "job"
Does anyone else see the problem here?
So.. let me just say.. that I have NEVER.. and I do mean NEVER expected him to be at my beck and call like that.I've never asked for that. I am, by nature, very independent, and not at all prima donna-ish. Not saying that it's a bad thing, but that it's just not ME. Plus, I've made it very clear to him that if I take the time to put it on his list, then it's important, and I want/need it done by the deadline, no matter what.
We have the same problem with sharing emotions, fantasies etc.. you know.. all that stuff that brings a couple closer together and creates real intimacy.. yeah.. does not typically happen.. More often than not, I will make the attempt and he will come back with something along the lines of "whatever makes you happy, babe." or " I want what you want," or any number of phrases that boil down to he will do whatever it is that I want.
Dude that DOES NOT HELP.
I understand that in his mind his sole purpose seems to be to "make (me) happy" and to "give (me) what (I) want."
I get that... That's WHY we are doing the flr thing.. because he gets anxious and totally freezes up without my constant guidance.
But getting caught up in his own head so damned much that he can't accomplish a simple task like hanging a pull up bar for my teenager is taking things to the extreme. And I can't find a way to pull him out of his head long enough to find out what he needs.
Yes. He feels helpless to help his son, he's angry about the idiots involved with his son's care, he's depressed, he's not sure what to do about us, he's tired of us fighting, and wants peace and closeness between us. And, he's stressed and worried about this project at work.
I understand all that. I'm in the same place--including the work project. He's screwed it up enough that I'm concerned his job might be in danger. If *I* were his boss, I would fire him if he misses this deadline because missing this deadline will cost the company a whole lot of money.
But.........he's making things worse between us and *causing* us to argue when he does things like the other weekend (and every weekend since... including LAST weekend.)
With the work project very quickly blowing up in his face, I have let him pretty much off the hook for all household responsibilities during the week, and I've limited my requests to things he can do in an hour or less on Saturday and Sunday. So, for example, this past weekend, I asked him to cook dinner on Saturday, put laundry away and burn trash on Sunday. The kids and I are doing everything else. I'm trying to help reduce stress, not cause more.
I've tried backing off completely and mostly letting him be. He decided I was mad at him.
I've suggested he go into work early, and work late.. I've suggested he work part of the weekends to give him the extra time he needs to get this project done by the deadline.. Hell, I've even offered to go into the office on Saturday with him so he didn't have to sit in that office alone. (I would not be the only spouse to go hang out in the office.. they are pretty laid back about it, and in fact, I'm the spouse who is in the office the least. Plus, I do side work for the same company, so I even have a reason to be there.. )
He asked me why I didn't want him around in the evening.. then he told me that if he worked late he wouldn't be home if I needed him in the evening, and that was unacceptable to him.. But, what I *really* need from him, is to get this stupid project done on-time. (in his defense.. this really was a project for three or four people with the time they gave him. But, it's a small company, and he's the only one with the database skills to get the job done.--- at the same time, he knew the scope of the project when he took it on, and knew it would take extra hours to complete.-- he should have been working late and going in early this whole time.. but again, he fought the idea. )
Maybe things will get better, and he'll be less anxious when this project is over.. but in reality we've dealt with this for years.This project is only the latest..
It finally came down to an ultimatum. I told my knight that if he didn't agree to hire a lawyer to deal with these people for us, that I was taking the other 2 kids and moving to another state where we wouldn't have to deal with this mess because the stress was just to much. Then, I gave him one week to take action.In that week, I did some job hunting, and found a couple potential houses for my kids and I in the new state. I picked this specific state and town because it's only 1 hour away from where we are now, and the laws regarding natural medicine and Naturopathy are significantly different. I am a degreed Naturopath, but I can't practice in the state we live in because of licensing laws. I CAN practice in the next state over.. In fact, I can be a primary care provider and even take insurance in the next state over. -- which means that supporting my kids, and starting over if necessary would not be a problem.
Two days later we had appointments to interview 4 lawyers, and four days later we hired a lawyer.
The lawyer has taken a lot of the pressure off of us, and stopped the harassment we were receiving. But, of course the situation is not over, and and the struggles between knight and I are not over. We've been struggling for years.
Why?
Lack of communication.
That's it in a nutshell. He and I don't communicate well. Let me rephrase that.... HE does not communicate well.. hell, he barely talks to me about anything important at all. He goes to great lengths not to react to things, and to keep his emotions hidden from everyone. Even me. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative, he hides how he feels.
A big part of that is his on-going depression. And I've come to the conclusion that second biggest reason for his lack of communication is his tendency toward being submissive.
What do I mean? Take last weekend, for example -- We have a running list that I keep for my knight of things I need him to accomplish. When there is something I need him to do, I add it to the list. If I need it done by a certain time or date, I add a deadline. The ap we use allows me to add notes, pictures, or files to the task item. When knight finishes the task, he crosses it off the list.
Simple, right?
It is.. except knight makes it difficult because he can't prioritize between items on the list and not on the list..
Several weeks ago, I added three items to his list: fix the molding by our bedroom door, haul something heavy out to the car for me, so I could donate it, and hang a pull up bar for my son. These items had a deadline of end of the day the following Sunday.
Again, simple, right?
These task items remained undone for over a month.
The first time he missed the deadline, I tried to talk to my knight about why these things went undone. His answer was (once again) that in his head what I ask of him NOW, takes priority over what's on the list. Then he went on to say that he spent all weekend doing what I wanted him to do, and there was no time left to do things on the list. The way he phrased it made it sound like I kept him so busy all weekend that he didn't have time to do what was on the list.
I got angry because that's really not true at all. We went hiking together, and he burned trash. That was all I asked of him all weekend. He spent the majority of his time either following me around, getting me random stuff that he thought I wanted (Example: you look like you want something to drink.. here, let me get you some tea), or sitting/standing next to me. When I pointed that out to him, Knight's answer was he was doing those things because he thought it was what I wanted. He told me that he couldn't just leave me and go off to do the items on his list.. it was his job to be right there when and if I wanted him, which meant that he couldn't be outside hanging the pull up bar, in the hall, or hauling thing to the car because I might want something while he was gone and then he wouldn't be doing his "job"
Does anyone else see the problem here?
So.. let me just say.. that I have NEVER.. and I do mean NEVER expected him to be at my beck and call like that.I've never asked for that. I am, by nature, very independent, and not at all prima donna-ish. Not saying that it's a bad thing, but that it's just not ME. Plus, I've made it very clear to him that if I take the time to put it on his list, then it's important, and I want/need it done by the deadline, no matter what.
We have the same problem with sharing emotions, fantasies etc.. you know.. all that stuff that brings a couple closer together and creates real intimacy.. yeah.. does not typically happen.. More often than not, I will make the attempt and he will come back with something along the lines of "whatever makes you happy, babe." or " I want what you want," or any number of phrases that boil down to he will do whatever it is that I want.
Dude that DOES NOT HELP.
I understand that in his mind his sole purpose seems to be to "make (me) happy" and to "give (me) what (I) want."
I get that... That's WHY we are doing the flr thing.. because he gets anxious and totally freezes up without my constant guidance.
But getting caught up in his own head so damned much that he can't accomplish a simple task like hanging a pull up bar for my teenager is taking things to the extreme. And I can't find a way to pull him out of his head long enough to find out what he needs.
Yes. He feels helpless to help his son, he's angry about the idiots involved with his son's care, he's depressed, he's not sure what to do about us, he's tired of us fighting, and wants peace and closeness between us. And, he's stressed and worried about this project at work.
I understand all that. I'm in the same place--including the work project. He's screwed it up enough that I'm concerned his job might be in danger. If *I* were his boss, I would fire him if he misses this deadline because missing this deadline will cost the company a whole lot of money.
But.........he's making things worse between us and *causing* us to argue when he does things like the other weekend (and every weekend since... including LAST weekend.)
With the work project very quickly blowing up in his face, I have let him pretty much off the hook for all household responsibilities during the week, and I've limited my requests to things he can do in an hour or less on Saturday and Sunday. So, for example, this past weekend, I asked him to cook dinner on Saturday, put laundry away and burn trash on Sunday. The kids and I are doing everything else. I'm trying to help reduce stress, not cause more.
I've tried backing off completely and mostly letting him be. He decided I was mad at him.
I've suggested he go into work early, and work late.. I've suggested he work part of the weekends to give him the extra time he needs to get this project done by the deadline.. Hell, I've even offered to go into the office on Saturday with him so he didn't have to sit in that office alone. (I would not be the only spouse to go hang out in the office.. they are pretty laid back about it, and in fact, I'm the spouse who is in the office the least. Plus, I do side work for the same company, so I even have a reason to be there.. )
He asked me why I didn't want him around in the evening.. then he told me that if he worked late he wouldn't be home if I needed him in the evening, and that was unacceptable to him.. But, what I *really* need from him, is to get this stupid project done on-time. (in his defense.. this really was a project for three or four people with the time they gave him. But, it's a small company, and he's the only one with the database skills to get the job done.--- at the same time, he knew the scope of the project when he took it on, and knew it would take extra hours to complete.-- he should have been working late and going in early this whole time.. but again, he fought the idea. )
Maybe things will get better, and he'll be less anxious when this project is over.. but in reality we've dealt with this for years.This project is only the latest..
Monday, March 7, 2016
Nees vs Wants
We're still here, and still flr. My knight is trying his best to overcome the depression and feelings of helplessness that accompany the situation with my step-son. Personally, I still believe my knight would benefit from medication to treat his depression, but he steadfastly refuses. He'd rather continue with the natural methods and protocols I have him on, and since there is a solid reason behind his reluctance to take depression meds, I have agreed.
His depression has been with us for years, and it's not likely to resolve anytime soon. Keeping to flr helps. I think it provides him with mental and emotional stability. No matter what is going on around us, or in his head, he knows that I have the situation under control, and will take care of things. Which is fine up until the point where I need him to handle something without me--- that's where things fall apart.
Recently, I went on a week-long trip without Knight. I took my younger kids to visit my adult children. We had a great visit. While I was gone I focused entirely on the kids. My knight and I talked several times a day while we were gone, and did a few video chats with the kids, but I wasn't "in control" while we were gone. I made suggestions, and reminded him that masturbation was strictly forbidden, but other than that, I left him to his own devices. It wasn't an oversight on my part, it was intentional.
And.. it was a mistake
In the week I was gone, a distance grew between us. While Knight was thrilled were were home, and obviously missed me, it was equally obvious that he had retreated behind his emotional walls. I left on my trip, and the constant reminders of his place in my life went with me.... or something like that. He's been unable to explain the feelings. But, over the last week, I've been intentionally more in charge, making sure to give specific instructions, and things have improved.
One problem I'm having is reconciling the flr with my other needs. Yes, I enjoy leading us, and frankly, I won't go back to 50/50. Thinking back, I don't know that I've ever had a relationship that wasn't flr in nature even though I thought of those relationships as traditional. I've always expected, even required my man to do things my way... I've always been a "my way or the highway" kind of person. That's not to say that I don't take other people's opinions under consideration, I do, but once I make a decision I expect my partner to follow along. But, sometimes I need a break.. sometimes I need my knight to take over, and take care of me without being told. I need him to see that I'm stressed, understand what I need, and do it. OR at the very least, see that I need *something*, and ask me what that need is. And this is where he and I are having problems.
Knight tends to be very definitive in his thinking, especially in areas where he's unsure. He sees his role in our marriage to be "make her happy, do what she wants." And, because of that, he's often unable to see that sometimes, in order to make me happy, he needs to think about what he knows about me, and do what he knows I need him to do. One good example is when I have an MS flare. I have herbal remedies that I use when the MS gets out of control. Sometimes I don't recognize what is going on, I just know that I feel rotten and want to sleep, or be left alone. But, it's obvious to my knight that it's an MS flare. Instead of suggesting I use an herbal remedy, he usually waits it out until I feel better, or until I realize what's going on and come to the conclusion myself. Another good example is when I'm overwhelmingly stressed. I tend to react to stress by isolating my self until I feel better. But, Knight and I know that there are things he can to to help relieve that stress. Instead of taking it upon himself to do those things, he waits for me to ask. At those times, I need him to step up, and DO what he knows I need from him, without directions. And he won't. The result is usually an argument. We've talked about it at length and all I get from him is "but you didn't ask." I can't get him to understand that at those times, what I expect from him, is for him to do what he knows I need from him. It's a vicious circle that we get stuck in.
I know why we get caught in this.. My knight is very, very bad at understanding the difference between when it's okay to do other than what I've asked, and when it's not. For example, he has been known to spend large amounts of money on something he knew I wanted AFTER being told not to spend any unnecessary money. As far as he was concerned, it was okay to go off budget because he believed the purchase would make me happy and he was very much confused when I made him take the item back. (it happened more than once, and for about 5 years I didn't allow him to carry a bank card at all.)
Another example occurs every weekend.. Knight knows he is expected to handle all cooking and dishes/kitchen clean up on the weekends. I don't want to have to think about it. And... I don't think about it, which means that at no point during the weekend do I tell my knight, "go do the dishes." I go on about my weekend with no concern for the dishes or cooking. I expect him to just handle it. Except.. I also like my knight to be with me, and do as I ask him all weekend. We go hiking, we go out, we go wander around our garden, he sits with me as I knit, he does the chores I ask of him... and then dishes don't get done because at no point will he say "Babe, I need to go do the dishes." For him the priority is what I say NOW, not what I said three hours or ago, or the established expectations.
What I need from him is BOTH. I am not about to worry about cooking or dishes on the weekends. That is his job. But, as far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly okay for him to say, "Babe, I need an hour to go wash dishes and clean the kitchen," or "I need to go start dinner at 5pm." And he won't do it because as he tells me he things of his place as by my side, doing exactly what I want him to do at the time.
So, my challenge.. the one thing that will make the biggest difference in our marriage is for me to find a way to get him to understand that while I expect, even require, him to do as I ask, there are times that it's okay for him to do what I need him to do, instead of what I *want* him to do, and he has to understand the difference.
His depression has been with us for years, and it's not likely to resolve anytime soon. Keeping to flr helps. I think it provides him with mental and emotional stability. No matter what is going on around us, or in his head, he knows that I have the situation under control, and will take care of things. Which is fine up until the point where I need him to handle something without me--- that's where things fall apart.
Recently, I went on a week-long trip without Knight. I took my younger kids to visit my adult children. We had a great visit. While I was gone I focused entirely on the kids. My knight and I talked several times a day while we were gone, and did a few video chats with the kids, but I wasn't "in control" while we were gone. I made suggestions, and reminded him that masturbation was strictly forbidden, but other than that, I left him to his own devices. It wasn't an oversight on my part, it was intentional.
And.. it was a mistake
In the week I was gone, a distance grew between us. While Knight was thrilled were were home, and obviously missed me, it was equally obvious that he had retreated behind his emotional walls. I left on my trip, and the constant reminders of his place in my life went with me.... or something like that. He's been unable to explain the feelings. But, over the last week, I've been intentionally more in charge, making sure to give specific instructions, and things have improved.
One problem I'm having is reconciling the flr with my other needs. Yes, I enjoy leading us, and frankly, I won't go back to 50/50. Thinking back, I don't know that I've ever had a relationship that wasn't flr in nature even though I thought of those relationships as traditional. I've always expected, even required my man to do things my way... I've always been a "my way or the highway" kind of person. That's not to say that I don't take other people's opinions under consideration, I do, but once I make a decision I expect my partner to follow along. But, sometimes I need a break.. sometimes I need my knight to take over, and take care of me without being told. I need him to see that I'm stressed, understand what I need, and do it. OR at the very least, see that I need *something*, and ask me what that need is. And this is where he and I are having problems.
Knight tends to be very definitive in his thinking, especially in areas where he's unsure. He sees his role in our marriage to be "make her happy, do what she wants." And, because of that, he's often unable to see that sometimes, in order to make me happy, he needs to think about what he knows about me, and do what he knows I need him to do. One good example is when I have an MS flare. I have herbal remedies that I use when the MS gets out of control. Sometimes I don't recognize what is going on, I just know that I feel rotten and want to sleep, or be left alone. But, it's obvious to my knight that it's an MS flare. Instead of suggesting I use an herbal remedy, he usually waits it out until I feel better, or until I realize what's going on and come to the conclusion myself. Another good example is when I'm overwhelmingly stressed. I tend to react to stress by isolating my self until I feel better. But, Knight and I know that there are things he can to to help relieve that stress. Instead of taking it upon himself to do those things, he waits for me to ask. At those times, I need him to step up, and DO what he knows I need from him, without directions. And he won't. The result is usually an argument. We've talked about it at length and all I get from him is "but you didn't ask." I can't get him to understand that at those times, what I expect from him, is for him to do what he knows I need from him. It's a vicious circle that we get stuck in.
I know why we get caught in this.. My knight is very, very bad at understanding the difference between when it's okay to do other than what I've asked, and when it's not. For example, he has been known to spend large amounts of money on something he knew I wanted AFTER being told not to spend any unnecessary money. As far as he was concerned, it was okay to go off budget because he believed the purchase would make me happy and he was very much confused when I made him take the item back. (it happened more than once, and for about 5 years I didn't allow him to carry a bank card at all.)
Another example occurs every weekend.. Knight knows he is expected to handle all cooking and dishes/kitchen clean up on the weekends. I don't want to have to think about it. And... I don't think about it, which means that at no point during the weekend do I tell my knight, "go do the dishes." I go on about my weekend with no concern for the dishes or cooking. I expect him to just handle it. Except.. I also like my knight to be with me, and do as I ask him all weekend. We go hiking, we go out, we go wander around our garden, he sits with me as I knit, he does the chores I ask of him... and then dishes don't get done because at no point will he say "Babe, I need to go do the dishes." For him the priority is what I say NOW, not what I said three hours or ago, or the established expectations.
What I need from him is BOTH. I am not about to worry about cooking or dishes on the weekends. That is his job. But, as far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly okay for him to say, "Babe, I need an hour to go wash dishes and clean the kitchen," or "I need to go start dinner at 5pm." And he won't do it because as he tells me he things of his place as by my side, doing exactly what I want him to do at the time.
So, my challenge.. the one thing that will make the biggest difference in our marriage is for me to find a way to get him to understand that while I expect, even require, him to do as I ask, there are times that it's okay for him to do what I need him to do, instead of what I *want* him to do, and he has to understand the difference.
Friday, February 5, 2016
End of the Week
I have a few minutes, so I thought I'd post a quick update. This week went....OK. Not great, just okay.
We had one fight this week, but instead of letting things deteriorate like they usually do, I handled it more flr style. Short version I told him months ago to stop buying fruit at one particular store. Every time we buy there we end up throwing at least half away because it's rotten inside. Well, on Monday he was supposed to get fruit on his way home, and stopped at *that* store because he thought it was closer to where he was. (It isn't.)
When he got home I said something to him about it, and he tried to turn it into an argument. After a few minutes, I told him to come into our bedroom with me. He came without a word. Once we were away from the kids, I told him if he goes to *that store* again for anything, he will no longer be allowed to carry the bank card, and I'll give him just enough cash for gas each week. I will do all the shopping myself. That's the point when he apologized for stopping at that store and promised it won't happen again.
We'll see.
Other than that, it's been a peaceful week. I've been paying special attention to making sure I remain firmly in control of our daily activities. I've even started helping him pick out his clothes for work in the morning. I've also been paying special attention to making sure I touch him more, especially after he has done what I asked of him. Both things seem to be making a difference in his actions and attitudes.
We had one fight this week, but instead of letting things deteriorate like they usually do, I handled it more flr style. Short version I told him months ago to stop buying fruit at one particular store. Every time we buy there we end up throwing at least half away because it's rotten inside. Well, on Monday he was supposed to get fruit on his way home, and stopped at *that* store because he thought it was closer to where he was. (It isn't.)
When he got home I said something to him about it, and he tried to turn it into an argument. After a few minutes, I told him to come into our bedroom with me. He came without a word. Once we were away from the kids, I told him if he goes to *that store* again for anything, he will no longer be allowed to carry the bank card, and I'll give him just enough cash for gas each week. I will do all the shopping myself. That's the point when he apologized for stopping at that store and promised it won't happen again.
We'll see.
Other than that, it's been a peaceful week. I've been paying special attention to making sure I remain firmly in control of our daily activities. I've even started helping him pick out his clothes for work in the morning. I've also been paying special attention to making sure I touch him more, especially after he has done what I asked of him. Both things seem to be making a difference in his actions and attitudes.
Monday, February 1, 2016
We Had A Good Weekend
For the first weekend in probably 6 weeks or so, knight and I had a Good weekend. It was nice. No arguing, no tension, and neither of us waiting for him to go to work Monday morning. It's been a few weeks since we truly enjoyed each other's company.
The difference? I entirely believe the difference was my active management of the weekend and his activities. I was firmly and completely in charge all weekend, and my knight responded it that. We haven't discussed "returning" to flr, I'm just doing it.
Friday afternoon before he left work I sent him a text giving him the choice between going to a coffee shop the kids and I found and staying in. My knight doesn't drink coffee, he prefers hot chocolate and when I took the kids to this coffee shop last week they both declared it to be the "best hot chocolate EVER," so it seemed to be the perfect place to take knight for a quick evening out. I gave him a choice because I couldn't decide which I preferred. He answered very sweetly that it didn't matter what we did, or where we went as long as he got to be with me, but that if I didn't mind he's like to go check out the coffee shop. I told him I'd let him know when he got home from work.
When he got home from work I told him to go eat dinner because we were leaving in about half an hour. Knight didn't question it, set his laptop and camera down and got a plate. I told him to come eat on the couch with me. When he sat down I put my legs across his lap and we talked while he ate. When he finished eating I declared it was time to go, and told him to put his plate in the sink, he could get it later. The kids already knew where we were going, so I gave my son some last minute instructions and we left.
We had a good time while we were out. Both of us being writers we did a lot of people watching, and character creating while we watched people. The barista was amused when my knight waited for me to order, and then ordered the exact same thing I did. I'm not sure why, but he does that frequently. Most of the time when we go out to eat, he orders the same thing I do. The only time he doesn't is when I order something he just can't eat, like something really spicy. Anyway, for whatever reason, she was obviously amused by his order. After we ordered, I walked away and found us a seat while he waited for our order.
After about 2 hours, the place started getting crowded and I told him I it was time to leave. When we got home, knight was very obviously waiting for me to finish talking to the kids and tell him what was next. My son and daughter had plans to watch a movie and then spend the rest of the evening playing video games. I told my knight to bring his laptop into our bedroom, because we were going in to watch a movie. He did so, and then said goodnight to the kids.
I picked the movie I wanted to watch-- I decided we'd finish the funky Australian tv series we were watching. After he got that set up I got up off the bed and started undressing him. When he was undressed, I told him where I wanted him to sit, and then I got settled around him. I remained dressed. During the movie I combed and played with his hair, stroked his body and casually teased him. He was hard and leaking through most of the movie. When the movie was over it was after midnight. I was getting tired, so I got up and got undressed for bed. Knight put is laptop away, waited for me to get settled and then turned out the lights and came to bed. When he did, I directed him to lie down on top of me. He settled directly on top of me, and I held him tight. After a few minutes I reached down between us and positioned his hard cock so he could slide inside me. He did so, and tried to thrust and squirm. I told him to settle, that I had exactly what I wanted, and he did. He seemed very content.
The next morning I woke up around 5. I wasn't ready to get up, so I woke up my knight. I laid my body over him to let him know he wasn't to move, and spent about an hour teasing his cock with my hand, hair and mouth. He wanted to come, but I didn't let him. He had an appointment that morning, so around 6:15 I stopped playing and pulled him close against me while he calmed down. When it was time for him to get up, I told him so, and he went out to make coffee for me before taking his shower and getting ready for the day.
The rest of the weekend went the same. I was careful to give clear directions, and I made it a point to stop what we were doing once every 2 hours or so for a few minutes of cuddle time, and knight was very attentive and responsive to my requests and needs.
THAT is how this is supposed to work between us. For the first time in a couple months, I feel real hope that we can work things out and create the relationship we both want.
The difference? I entirely believe the difference was my active management of the weekend and his activities. I was firmly and completely in charge all weekend, and my knight responded it that. We haven't discussed "returning" to flr, I'm just doing it.
Friday afternoon before he left work I sent him a text giving him the choice between going to a coffee shop the kids and I found and staying in. My knight doesn't drink coffee, he prefers hot chocolate and when I took the kids to this coffee shop last week they both declared it to be the "best hot chocolate EVER," so it seemed to be the perfect place to take knight for a quick evening out. I gave him a choice because I couldn't decide which I preferred. He answered very sweetly that it didn't matter what we did, or where we went as long as he got to be with me, but that if I didn't mind he's like to go check out the coffee shop. I told him I'd let him know when he got home from work.
When he got home from work I told him to go eat dinner because we were leaving in about half an hour. Knight didn't question it, set his laptop and camera down and got a plate. I told him to come eat on the couch with me. When he sat down I put my legs across his lap and we talked while he ate. When he finished eating I declared it was time to go, and told him to put his plate in the sink, he could get it later. The kids already knew where we were going, so I gave my son some last minute instructions and we left.
We had a good time while we were out. Both of us being writers we did a lot of people watching, and character creating while we watched people. The barista was amused when my knight waited for me to order, and then ordered the exact same thing I did. I'm not sure why, but he does that frequently. Most of the time when we go out to eat, he orders the same thing I do. The only time he doesn't is when I order something he just can't eat, like something really spicy. Anyway, for whatever reason, she was obviously amused by his order. After we ordered, I walked away and found us a seat while he waited for our order.
After about 2 hours, the place started getting crowded and I told him I it was time to leave. When we got home, knight was very obviously waiting for me to finish talking to the kids and tell him what was next. My son and daughter had plans to watch a movie and then spend the rest of the evening playing video games. I told my knight to bring his laptop into our bedroom, because we were going in to watch a movie. He did so, and then said goodnight to the kids.
I picked the movie I wanted to watch-- I decided we'd finish the funky Australian tv series we were watching. After he got that set up I got up off the bed and started undressing him. When he was undressed, I told him where I wanted him to sit, and then I got settled around him. I remained dressed. During the movie I combed and played with his hair, stroked his body and casually teased him. He was hard and leaking through most of the movie. When the movie was over it was after midnight. I was getting tired, so I got up and got undressed for bed. Knight put is laptop away, waited for me to get settled and then turned out the lights and came to bed. When he did, I directed him to lie down on top of me. He settled directly on top of me, and I held him tight. After a few minutes I reached down between us and positioned his hard cock so he could slide inside me. He did so, and tried to thrust and squirm. I told him to settle, that I had exactly what I wanted, and he did. He seemed very content.
The next morning I woke up around 5. I wasn't ready to get up, so I woke up my knight. I laid my body over him to let him know he wasn't to move, and spent about an hour teasing his cock with my hand, hair and mouth. He wanted to come, but I didn't let him. He had an appointment that morning, so around 6:15 I stopped playing and pulled him close against me while he calmed down. When it was time for him to get up, I told him so, and he went out to make coffee for me before taking his shower and getting ready for the day.
The rest of the weekend went the same. I was careful to give clear directions, and I made it a point to stop what we were doing once every 2 hours or so for a few minutes of cuddle time, and knight was very attentive and responsive to my requests and needs.
THAT is how this is supposed to work between us. For the first time in a couple months, I feel real hope that we can work things out and create the relationship we both want.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Amazingly, We're Still Together.
It's been a rough couple of months. Actually, "rough" doesn't even being to come close. Hell is more like it. Knight's teenaged son had his first major mental break. It was a slow thing, building up over the last 2 years. The kid has been in weekly therapy since he started having problems about 2 years ago, but his behaviors kept getting worse. Then, one day this past summer I went outside to check on him and found him tying a rope to a tree. The told me in very cold, unemotional detail that he was going to hang himself. He became obsessed with talking about killing himself and chopping people's arms and legs off. He talked about how it would feel if he threw himself under the school bus, or under a car, and which would hurt more, and how much blood each would cause.
After three weeks in the mental hospital he came home. The very next day went outside to our backyard and started throwing rocks at our house. I went out and talked to him, and he stopped. A couple days later I went for a walk and left my stepson home alone. I had his therapists permission, and in fact, she suggested the idea. I was gone for 15 minutes-- I didn't even leave our property. When I returned to the house, I found that my step-son had taken an ax to our back patio. (Yes, our ax was locked up. He found the neighbor's ax near the property line.) The kid was uninjured, and did not threaten me with the ax, but he was very proud of what he'd done. As soon as I came near the house he bragged to me about his actions while I was "gone." Then he started talking about killing people, and wondering if he could use the chainsaw to remove his own leg. I called Knight at work, and told him to drop what he was doing and come home. Frankly, I was pretty freaked out by my step-son's whole attitude and demeanor. Then I called the the therapist. At first she told me to call the police and have him arrested, but as we talked about his actions, attitude, and his actions while we were on the phone, the therapist decided involving cops might get the kid tasered or shot. So, she told me to have my husband take him to the ER and have him admitted back to the psych ward.
He spent the better part of 3 months on the mental health floor of the local hospital. Right now the kid is receiving intense inpatient care in a residential treatment facility about 2 hours away from us. For the 2 months before my step-son's admittance to the hospital we had to keep him on constant suicide watch. His therapist labeled him suicidal and homicidal. We were instructed to lock up EVERYTHING that could possibly be used as a weapon.. kitchen knives, forks, pictures on the wall's dining room chairs. absolutely everything. I had Knight move into his son's bedroom to keep an eye on him at night. Even with that, the boy told his therapist, "That's okay, I'll just wait until Dad is asleep, then I'll sneak out of my room and put my head through the living room window. Nobody will know what's going on until they hear the crash." Then, we had to put an alarm on the kid's door.
Yeah, it's been hell.
And, yes, I'm dead serious.
This gives you only a small idea of the stress and strain we've been under trying to manage step-son's behaviors and needs with the needs of the other two kids. PLUS deal with the problems between us. And, of course mental health care in this country sucks, so we've been fighting the system trying to force someone to help the kid. OR. rather *I* have been fighting the system. Arguing with doctors, talking with therapists, researching options... doing all the leg work, all the ... well *everything* in order to force a broken system to recognize that the kid needs serious, real help. My knight? Well.. whether he likes to admit it or not, he's a submissive guy and navigating the current system requires a bit of... forcefulness. Something he just doesn't have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making it out to be a bad thing.. it's one of those things that just IS. But, it meant that if anyone was going to advocate strongly for my step-son, it had to be me.
It was emotionally draining. And quite frankly left me with very little left to give to my knight. Knight who saw his only biological son falling down the same path of mental illness that he watched the boy's mother fall down. The same path we lost my step-daughter to. Knight needed my time and attention, too. And I was unable to give it. Truth be told, I resented knight's inability to step up and make noise, file complaints, and find ways to work around the system. I didn't WANT to take care of knight's needs. I was too busy trying to get through the hell we were in. I felt he was not supporting me, or his son. I felt abandoned, alone, and stuck with all the work.
After my step-son was admitted for the long term hospital stay, and it became clear he would not be coming home any time soon my knight and I very seriously talked about divorce. Things were really... REALLY bad between us.
I was fed up, over-stressed and we had no idea how to relate with each other outside the super high stress situation with his son.
He was upset, depressed, fed up and felt completely helpless, and rejected.
On three different occasions in the last couple months we were literally hours away from his moving out. The company he works for owns a building with about 20 studio apartments. It would take 5 minute conversation with the company president (small company, the president and even CEO are very accessible) for him to get a key to one of those studio apartments.
Each time at the very last minute, he came to me with some version of "I will leave if that's what you really want, but please don't make me."
Each time, I backed down. Mostly for the sake of my kids. My daughter is very close to her dad, and would be crushed if we split. My 13 yr old son loves his step-dad, and is very much becoming a man who treats women very well, and a lot of that is him watching my knight with me. They are close, friends even, and I don't want to take that away from my son. But, also for myself. If we split I want to be damned sure there is no hope left for us. And it's difficult not to see at least a shred of hope when he's sitting in front of me in tears, practically begging me not to tell him to leave. He's a good man. We have our problems and difficulties, but he is dedicated to me, and our family, and I decided that if he could still hold on that tightly to me... to us, after I had made it pretty clear that I was done... well.. He deserved for me to give this another chance.
We've had some long talks over the last couple weeks, and have identified, and pinpointed some of the more pressing problems.
All of our problem seem to revolve around him not being able to show or talk about his feelings.
Yep. No surprise there.
He needs a very high level of attention, both physically and emotionally.
Again, if you've read this blog for any length of time you already know that about knight.
And, as I've known for years, he's uncomfortable with that part of himself, afraid to express it, hesitant to admit it. etc, etc..
So, what happens is I give him that high level of care and attention.. our entire flr is based on meeting this deep need of his. But I don't feel that he appreciates the effort that I put into it, and I start to back off. He feels neglected but doesn't say anything and starts slipping in his care and attention to me. At this point, I usually say something to him and instead of telling me he's feeling neglected, he quietly slips into feeling rejected, and things get worse from there.
Or.. at least this is the conclusion we've come to over the last several weeks of analyzing and talking about things.
Here are the conclusions we have come to:
We love each other, and when you get past the stress, overwhelm, and frustration neither of us wants to split.
I like the flr dynamic.
He likes the flr dynamic. It gives him a sense of emotional security.
He very much needs my touch. He craves it, and if he doesn't get enough touch from me, he gets depressed. He would be perfectly happy to *never* leave my side. He would be perfectly happy if he could *never* let go of my hand. Hell, he would be in heaven if he could drape himself to my back like a baby koala bear and stay there until the end of time.
He HATES talking about anything flr or submission related. It makes him feel like he's forcing me to do something, to be someone I don't want to be. Talking about his tendency to be submissive makes him feel... somehow not good enough. I can't explain it any better than that, because I'm not sure I understand it.
He equally hates talking about his need for my touch and attention. He hates admitting it. He feels guilty and "wrong" for even admitting he needs it. He's afraid it will drive me off. Personally, I think the need itself scares him.
When I send him off to go do something without me on the weekends, or in the evenings-- go to the store, take a kid somewhere without me, spend the afternoon burning trash.. whatever.. he feels like I am sending him away from me. It's almost a punishment for him.
What kind of touch does he need? Honestly, ANY touch. My hand in his, or my legs across his lap while he reads to the kids is enough. This isn't a sexual thing, it's an emotional thing.. he's looking for any physical touch from me, as much as he can get, and he will do whatever he has to in order to get it.
We've come to the conclusion that when he starts not following through on things, he's subconsciously trying to get my attention. Negative attention.. being yelled at.. is better than what he feels is being ignored. (even if I don't think I'm ignoring him.. he FEELS ignored, and is trying to get my attention.)
So.. Here is what I have decided:
We are going back to flr. In all honesty, we never actually left the flr dynamic. We said we would go back to 50/50ish, but the reality is that we never did. Flr is our natural state.
I'm not going to talk to him about it. Not going to discuss it, and not going to check in to see how or if the dynamic is working for him. I'm just going to DO it and keep my mouth shut. If I need to have a reality check talk, I'll do it HERE. He doesn't read the blog, so he'll never see it.
We have to address this deep need of his for my touch and attention. This is a need that just absolutely has to be met. Kind of like I need to breathe, or I die. My touch is that kind of need for him. Without it he dies emotionally. I will admit that I don't understand it -- not at all. If he or the kids hang on me to much I get down right bitchy. I have been very careful to let him know that I don't think it's a bad thing.
I need to find away for him to feel me my presence even when we are not occupying the same space. When he is at work, or even when we're at home and doing different things. He NEEDS to feel my presence.
I can not physically touch him every second he's not at work. I will resent it. I'm just not that touchy... See above.
He absolutely has to do 1 thing: He needs to tell me when he is not getting the touch time that he needs, and when he if feeling neglected. This acting out garbage must stop.
EDIT: He needs to do 2 things. 1 I mentioned above. 2. I need him to always show appreciation for the effort I'm making to meet his emotional needs. He can't take it in stride and act like it's just part of the deal. For me to be able to give that much he HAS to show his appreciation and devotion in everything he does.
We are going to start there. We can't tackle all the issues at once. With all the stress we've been dealing with, we're still learning what are OUR issues and what are problems caused by the stress. But, THIS is something that has been with us off and on for 10 years, so it's a good place to start.
After three weeks in the mental hospital he came home. The very next day went outside to our backyard and started throwing rocks at our house. I went out and talked to him, and he stopped. A couple days later I went for a walk and left my stepson home alone. I had his therapists permission, and in fact, she suggested the idea. I was gone for 15 minutes-- I didn't even leave our property. When I returned to the house, I found that my step-son had taken an ax to our back patio. (Yes, our ax was locked up. He found the neighbor's ax near the property line.) The kid was uninjured, and did not threaten me with the ax, but he was very proud of what he'd done. As soon as I came near the house he bragged to me about his actions while I was "gone." Then he started talking about killing people, and wondering if he could use the chainsaw to remove his own leg. I called Knight at work, and told him to drop what he was doing and come home. Frankly, I was pretty freaked out by my step-son's whole attitude and demeanor. Then I called the the therapist. At first she told me to call the police and have him arrested, but as we talked about his actions, attitude, and his actions while we were on the phone, the therapist decided involving cops might get the kid tasered or shot. So, she told me to have my husband take him to the ER and have him admitted back to the psych ward.
He spent the better part of 3 months on the mental health floor of the local hospital. Right now the kid is receiving intense inpatient care in a residential treatment facility about 2 hours away from us. For the 2 months before my step-son's admittance to the hospital we had to keep him on constant suicide watch. His therapist labeled him suicidal and homicidal. We were instructed to lock up EVERYTHING that could possibly be used as a weapon.. kitchen knives, forks, pictures on the wall's dining room chairs. absolutely everything. I had Knight move into his son's bedroom to keep an eye on him at night. Even with that, the boy told his therapist, "That's okay, I'll just wait until Dad is asleep, then I'll sneak out of my room and put my head through the living room window. Nobody will know what's going on until they hear the crash." Then, we had to put an alarm on the kid's door.
Yeah, it's been hell.
And, yes, I'm dead serious.
This gives you only a small idea of the stress and strain we've been under trying to manage step-son's behaviors and needs with the needs of the other two kids. PLUS deal with the problems between us. And, of course mental health care in this country sucks, so we've been fighting the system trying to force someone to help the kid. OR. rather *I* have been fighting the system. Arguing with doctors, talking with therapists, researching options... doing all the leg work, all the ... well *everything* in order to force a broken system to recognize that the kid needs serious, real help. My knight? Well.. whether he likes to admit it or not, he's a submissive guy and navigating the current system requires a bit of... forcefulness. Something he just doesn't have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making it out to be a bad thing.. it's one of those things that just IS. But, it meant that if anyone was going to advocate strongly for my step-son, it had to be me.
It was emotionally draining. And quite frankly left me with very little left to give to my knight. Knight who saw his only biological son falling down the same path of mental illness that he watched the boy's mother fall down. The same path we lost my step-daughter to. Knight needed my time and attention, too. And I was unable to give it. Truth be told, I resented knight's inability to step up and make noise, file complaints, and find ways to work around the system. I didn't WANT to take care of knight's needs. I was too busy trying to get through the hell we were in. I felt he was not supporting me, or his son. I felt abandoned, alone, and stuck with all the work.
After my step-son was admitted for the long term hospital stay, and it became clear he would not be coming home any time soon my knight and I very seriously talked about divorce. Things were really... REALLY bad between us.
I was fed up, over-stressed and we had no idea how to relate with each other outside the super high stress situation with his son.
He was upset, depressed, fed up and felt completely helpless, and rejected.
On three different occasions in the last couple months we were literally hours away from his moving out. The company he works for owns a building with about 20 studio apartments. It would take 5 minute conversation with the company president (small company, the president and even CEO are very accessible) for him to get a key to one of those studio apartments.
Each time at the very last minute, he came to me with some version of "I will leave if that's what you really want, but please don't make me."
Each time, I backed down. Mostly for the sake of my kids. My daughter is very close to her dad, and would be crushed if we split. My 13 yr old son loves his step-dad, and is very much becoming a man who treats women very well, and a lot of that is him watching my knight with me. They are close, friends even, and I don't want to take that away from my son. But, also for myself. If we split I want to be damned sure there is no hope left for us. And it's difficult not to see at least a shred of hope when he's sitting in front of me in tears, practically begging me not to tell him to leave. He's a good man. We have our problems and difficulties, but he is dedicated to me, and our family, and I decided that if he could still hold on that tightly to me... to us, after I had made it pretty clear that I was done... well.. He deserved for me to give this another chance.
We've had some long talks over the last couple weeks, and have identified, and pinpointed some of the more pressing problems.
All of our problem seem to revolve around him not being able to show or talk about his feelings.
Yep. No surprise there.
He needs a very high level of attention, both physically and emotionally.
Again, if you've read this blog for any length of time you already know that about knight.
And, as I've known for years, he's uncomfortable with that part of himself, afraid to express it, hesitant to admit it. etc, etc..
So, what happens is I give him that high level of care and attention.. our entire flr is based on meeting this deep need of his. But I don't feel that he appreciates the effort that I put into it, and I start to back off. He feels neglected but doesn't say anything and starts slipping in his care and attention to me. At this point, I usually say something to him and instead of telling me he's feeling neglected, he quietly slips into feeling rejected, and things get worse from there.
Or.. at least this is the conclusion we've come to over the last several weeks of analyzing and talking about things.
Here are the conclusions we have come to:
We love each other, and when you get past the stress, overwhelm, and frustration neither of us wants to split.
I like the flr dynamic.
He likes the flr dynamic. It gives him a sense of emotional security.
He very much needs my touch. He craves it, and if he doesn't get enough touch from me, he gets depressed. He would be perfectly happy to *never* leave my side. He would be perfectly happy if he could *never* let go of my hand. Hell, he would be in heaven if he could drape himself to my back like a baby koala bear and stay there until the end of time.
He HATES talking about anything flr or submission related. It makes him feel like he's forcing me to do something, to be someone I don't want to be. Talking about his tendency to be submissive makes him feel... somehow not good enough. I can't explain it any better than that, because I'm not sure I understand it.
He equally hates talking about his need for my touch and attention. He hates admitting it. He feels guilty and "wrong" for even admitting he needs it. He's afraid it will drive me off. Personally, I think the need itself scares him.
When I send him off to go do something without me on the weekends, or in the evenings-- go to the store, take a kid somewhere without me, spend the afternoon burning trash.. whatever.. he feels like I am sending him away from me. It's almost a punishment for him.
What kind of touch does he need? Honestly, ANY touch. My hand in his, or my legs across his lap while he reads to the kids is enough. This isn't a sexual thing, it's an emotional thing.. he's looking for any physical touch from me, as much as he can get, and he will do whatever he has to in order to get it.
We've come to the conclusion that when he starts not following through on things, he's subconsciously trying to get my attention. Negative attention.. being yelled at.. is better than what he feels is being ignored. (even if I don't think I'm ignoring him.. he FEELS ignored, and is trying to get my attention.)
So.. Here is what I have decided:
We are going back to flr. In all honesty, we never actually left the flr dynamic. We said we would go back to 50/50ish, but the reality is that we never did. Flr is our natural state.
I'm not going to talk to him about it. Not going to discuss it, and not going to check in to see how or if the dynamic is working for him. I'm just going to DO it and keep my mouth shut. If I need to have a reality check talk, I'll do it HERE. He doesn't read the blog, so he'll never see it.
We have to address this deep need of his for my touch and attention. This is a need that just absolutely has to be met. Kind of like I need to breathe, or I die. My touch is that kind of need for him. Without it he dies emotionally. I will admit that I don't understand it -- not at all. If he or the kids hang on me to much I get down right bitchy. I have been very careful to let him know that I don't think it's a bad thing.
I need to find away for him to feel me my presence even when we are not occupying the same space. When he is at work, or even when we're at home and doing different things. He NEEDS to feel my presence.
I can not physically touch him every second he's not at work. I will resent it. I'm just not that touchy... See above.
He absolutely has to do 1 thing: He needs to tell me when he is not getting the touch time that he needs, and when he if feeling neglected. This acting out garbage must stop.
EDIT: He needs to do 2 things. 1 I mentioned above. 2. I need him to always show appreciation for the effort I'm making to meet his emotional needs. He can't take it in stride and act like it's just part of the deal. For me to be able to give that much he HAS to show his appreciation and devotion in everything he does.
We are going to start there. We can't tackle all the issues at once. With all the stress we've been dealing with, we're still learning what are OUR issues and what are problems caused by the stress. But, THIS is something that has been with us off and on for 10 years, so it's a good place to start.
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