Amazingly, We're Still Together.

It's been a rough couple of months. Actually, "rough" doesn't even being to come close. Hell is more like it. Knight's teenaged son had his first major mental break. It was a slow thing, building up over the last 2 years. The kid has been in weekly therapy since he started having problems about 2 years ago, but his behaviors kept getting worse. Then, one day this past summer I went outside to check on him and found him tying a rope to a tree. The told me in very cold, unemotional detail that he was going to hang himself.  He became obsessed with talking about killing himself and chopping people's arms and legs off. He talked about how it would feel if he threw himself under the school bus, or under a car, and which would hurt more, and how much blood each would cause.

After three weeks in the mental hospital he came home. The very next day went outside to our backyard and started throwing rocks at our house. I went out and talked to him, and he stopped. A couple days later I went for a walk and left my stepson home alone. I had his therapists permission, and in fact, she suggested the idea. I was gone for 15 minutes-- I didn't even leave our property. When I returned to the house, I found that my step-son had taken an ax to our back patio. (Yes, our ax was locked up. He found the neighbor's ax near the property line.) The kid was uninjured, and did not threaten me with the ax, but he was very proud of what he'd done. As soon as I came near the house he bragged to me about his actions while I was "gone." Then he started talking about killing people, and wondering if he could use the chainsaw to remove his own leg.  I called Knight at work, and told him to drop what he was doing and come home. Frankly, I was pretty freaked out by my step-son's whole attitude and demeanor. Then I called the the therapist. At first she told me to call the police and have him arrested, but as we talked about his actions, attitude, and his actions while we were on the phone, the therapist decided involving cops might get the kid tasered or shot.  So, she told me to have my husband take him to the ER  and have him admitted back to the psych ward.

He spent the better part of 3 months on the mental health floor of the local hospital. Right now the kid is receiving intense inpatient care in a residential treatment facility about 2 hours away from us. For the 2 months before my step-son's admittance to the hospital we had to keep him on constant suicide watch. His therapist labeled him suicidal and homicidal. We were instructed to lock up EVERYTHING that could possibly be used as a weapon.. kitchen knives, forks, pictures on the wall's dining room chairs. absolutely everything. I had Knight move into his son's bedroom to keep an eye on him at night. Even with that, the boy told his therapist, "That's okay, I'll just wait until Dad is asleep, then I'll sneak out of my room and put my head through the living room window. Nobody will know what's going on until they hear the crash."  Then, we had to put an alarm on the kid's door.

Yeah, it's been hell.

And, yes, I'm dead serious.

This gives you only a small idea of the stress and strain we've been under trying to manage step-son's behaviors and needs with the needs of the other two kids. PLUS deal with the problems between us. And, of course mental health care in this country sucks, so we've been fighting the system trying to force someone to help the kid. OR. rather *I* have been fighting the system. Arguing with doctors, talking with therapists, researching options... doing all the leg work, all the ... well *everything* in order to force a broken system to recognize that the kid needs serious, real help.  My knight?   Well.. whether he likes to admit it or not, he's a submissive guy and navigating the current system requires a bit of... forcefulness. Something he just doesn't have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making it out to be a bad thing.. it's one of those things that just IS. But, it meant that if anyone was going to advocate strongly for my step-son, it had to be me.

It was emotionally draining. And quite frankly left me with very little left to give to my knight.   Knight who saw his only biological son falling down the same path of mental illness that he watched the boy's mother fall down. The same path we lost my step-daughter to.   Knight needed my time and attention, too.  And I was unable to give it. Truth be told, I resented knight's inability to step up and make noise, file complaints, and find ways to work around the system.  I didn't WANT to take care of knight's needs. I was too busy trying to get through the hell we were in. I felt he was not supporting me, or his son.  I felt abandoned, alone, and stuck with all the work.

After my step-son was admitted for the long term hospital stay, and it became clear he would not be coming home any time soon my knight and I very seriously talked about divorce. Things were really... REALLY bad between us.

I was fed up, over-stressed and we had no idea how to relate with each other outside the super high stress situation with his son. 

He was upset, depressed, fed up and felt completely helpless, and rejected. 

On three different occasions in the last couple months we were literally hours away from his moving out. The company he works for owns a building with about 20 studio apartments. It would take  5 minute conversation with the company president (small company, the president and even CEO are very accessible) for him to get a key to one of those studio apartments.

Each time at the very last minute, he came to me with some version of "I will leave if that's what you really want, but please don't make me."

Each time, I backed down. Mostly for the sake of my kids. My daughter  is very close to her dad, and  would be crushed if we split. My 13 yr old son loves his step-dad, and is very much becoming a man who treats women very well, and a lot of that is him watching my knight with me. They are close, friends even, and I don't want to take that away from my son. But, also for myself. If we split I want to be damned sure there is no hope left for us. And it's difficult not to see at least a shred of hope when he's sitting in front of me in tears, practically begging me not to tell him to leave. He's a good man. We have our problems and difficulties, but he is dedicated to me, and our family, and I decided that if he could still hold on that tightly to me... to us, after I had made it pretty clear that I was done... well.. He deserved for me to give this another chance.

We've had some long talks over the last couple weeks, and have identified, and pinpointed some of the more pressing problems.

All of our problem seem to revolve around him not being able to show or talk about his feelings.

Yep. No surprise there.

He needs a very high level of attention, both physically and emotionally.

Again, if you've read this blog for any length of time you already know that about knight.

And, as I've known for years, he's uncomfortable with that part of himself, afraid to express it,  hesitant to admit it. etc, etc..

So, what happens is  I give him that high level of care and attention.. our entire flr is based on meeting this deep need of his. But I don't feel that he appreciates the effort that I put into it, and I start to back off. He feels neglected but doesn't say anything and starts slipping in his care and attention to me. At this point, I usually say something to him and instead of telling me he's feeling neglected, he quietly slips into feeling rejected, and things get worse from there.

Or.. at least this is the conclusion we've come to over the last several weeks of analyzing and talking about things.

Here are the conclusions we have come to:

We love each other, and when you get past the stress, overwhelm, and frustration neither of us wants to split.

I like the flr dynamic.

He likes the flr dynamic. It gives him a sense of emotional security.

He very much needs my touch. He craves it, and if he doesn't get enough touch from me, he gets depressed. He would be perfectly happy to *never* leave my side. He would be perfectly happy if he could *never* let go of my hand. Hell, he would be in heaven if he could drape himself to my back like a baby koala bear and stay there until the end of time.

He HATES talking about anything flr or submission related. It makes him feel like he's forcing me to do something, to be someone I don't want to be. Talking about his tendency to be submissive makes him feel... somehow not good enough. I can't explain it any better than that, because I'm not sure I understand it.

He equally hates talking about his need for my touch and attention. He hates admitting it. He feels guilty and "wrong" for even admitting he needs it.  He's afraid it will drive me off. Personally, I think the need itself scares him.

When I send him off to go do something without me on the weekends, or in the evenings-- go to the store, take a kid somewhere without me, spend the afternoon burning trash.. whatever.. he feels like I am sending him away from me. It's almost a punishment for him.

What kind of touch does he need? Honestly, ANY touch. My hand in his, or my legs across his lap while he reads to the kids is enough. This isn't a sexual thing, it's an emotional thing.. he's looking for any physical touch from me, as much as he can get, and he will do whatever he has to in order to get it.

We've come to the conclusion that when he starts not following through on things, he's subconsciously  trying to get my attention. Negative attention.. being yelled at.. is better than what he feels is being ignored. (even if I don't think I'm ignoring him.. he FEELS ignored, and is trying to get my attention.)

So.. Here is what I have decided:

We are going back to flr. In all honesty, we never actually left the flr dynamic. We said we would go back to 50/50ish, but the reality is that we never did. Flr is our natural state.

I'm not going to talk to him about it. Not going to discuss it, and not going to check in to see how or if the dynamic is working for him. I'm just going to DO it and keep my mouth shut.  If I  need to have a reality check talk, I'll do it HERE. He doesn't read the blog, so he'll never see it.
 
We have to address this deep need of his for my touch and attention. This is a need that just absolutely has to be met. Kind of like I need to breathe, or I die. My touch is that kind of need for him. Without it he dies emotionally. I will admit that I don't understand it -- not at all. If he or the kids hang on me to much I get down right bitchy. I have been very careful to let him know that I don't think it's a bad thing.

I need to find away for him to feel me my presence even when we are not occupying the same space. When he is at work, or even when we're at home and doing different things. He NEEDS to feel my presence.

I can not physically touch him every second he's not at work. I will resent it. I'm just not that touchy... See above.

He absolutely has to do 1 thing: He needs to tell me when he is not getting the touch time that he needs, and when he if feeling neglected. This acting out garbage must stop.

EDIT: He needs to do 2 things.  1 I mentioned above. 2. I need him to always show appreciation for the effort I'm making to meet his emotional needs. He can't take it in stride and act like it's just part of the deal. For me to be able to give that much he HAS to show his appreciation and devotion in everything he does. 


We are going to start there. We can't tackle all the issues at once. With all the stress we've been dealing with, we're still learning what are OUR issues and what are problems caused by the stress. But, THIS is something that has been with us off and on for 10 years, so it's a good place to start.

Update On Knight and I.

Surprisingly enough, we're still here, and still together.

I finally got to the truth with my knight. He has been having continuing lapses in memory. Almost a year ago he had a major memory lapse, and it caused a major fight between us. He was upset, hurt and angry that I didn't edit, typeset, and compile his ebook for him. I agreed to do it for him because the book was done, but he was swamped at work and just didn't have time to publish it. Months passed, and as far as he knew I wasn't even work on it.Instead of saying something to me, he got upset and started acting out.

Except that I had finished the edits, typesetting, etc, and the finished product was sitting in his email, waiting for him to upload and publish.

He forgot. Even though I spent 45 minutes with him at my computer doing final reviews of the project, and he stood next to me when I hit the  "Compile" button, he had absolutely no memory of that day. It came out when the whole thing finally blew up into an argument at the park one day last summer. I had to skip the concert I was supposed to play in that afternoon so we could go home. I pulled up the file on my computer and showed it to him. I showed him the date the file was last edited and walked him through the afternoon as I remembered it. He STILL had no memory of it. Even after I proved it to him by showing him the file, he still had no memory. Today, a year later he still doesn't remember me working on his ebook, but he knows that I did. The book is published and has sold well.

I took note of the incident. I was even concerned enough that I discussed it with my oldest daughter. I wanted her to be aware in case it became a real problem.  Life went on.


This weekend was Mother's Day. When we took the kids to the waterfall in Tennessee I told my knight very specifically "Call the gift shop, and order those earrings for me for Mother's Day." Yesterday came and went, and no earrings. Last night, I asked knight about them. He looked at me blankly. He had no memory at all of me asking him to get them.  He was supposed to grill for me last night, too. I asked him to pick up burgers and grilling veggies for Sunday's dinner when he took the kids to the store on Saturday afternoon. Sunday afternoon he asked me what I wanted for dinner that evening. I reminded him that he was supposed to grill for me, and I got that blank stare. He didn't remember the conversation. The kids overheard and all insisted that THEY had heard me ask him to grill.

He finally admitted that he's been having problems remembering things at work, too, and that he's been forgetting stuff at home a lot more often than he's admitted. He told me that the attitude he gives me when he doesn't do something is really his own irritation that he he's forgotten something. He that he really doesn't know what he's forgotten, but that judging from how often the kids and I tell him he's forgotten something, and how often his project manager at work is "reminding" him of things, he's judging that he's forgetting things more often, and certainly more often than he should.

He's asked me to experiment with herbs, and see if I can figure out what's going on (I'm a Naturopath), and if I can't solve it in a few months, he'll agree to see a doctor.

Where Are We Now?

It's been less than a week since I told knight exactly what is expected of him. We had a decent weekend. No fighting, no arguing, he did exactly as I needed him to, was attentive to the kids and me, and was fully present in our life. For my part, I made an intentional effort to be physically closer to him than I have been. We didn't have sex, because I'm just not there yet. I'm still hurt. But, I did everything I could to let him know that I love him and want things to work out between us.  We went to bed Sunday night curled up around each other, and feeling like there was hope

Then, it all went to hell on Monday.

Monday, I decided to show him I'm still invested in us by writing him a list. It was short, and simple. There were about 5 items on the list, three of which were: Stop at the store on the way home from my band rehearsal, be prepared for an in-depth conversation about what both of us need in order for things to get better between us, and put the two boxes I had packed for donation into car Monday night so he could drop them off for me Tuesday after work.

He did none of these.

I had the car on Monday, which meant that I picked him up from work, he dropped me off at rehearsal, and then he and the kids went to the park to eat the  picnic dinner I packed, and play until my rehearsal was over 90 minutes later. At that point, we were supposed to go grocery shopping. When they picked me up from rehearsal, knight headed for home. I reminded him that we needed to stop at the store first. He insisted he'd go after the kids were in bed so that I could go home. I told him I didn't want to go home. I wanted him stick to his list. He started insisting that band puts me into overload and that I should go home. I didn't want to get into a full out fight with the kids in the back seat, so I quietly told him that he was telling me what I want again, and that I wasn't happy. Then I didn't speak to him again. We got home, went through book time and kid bedtime routines. I still didn't say a word to him. After the kids went to bed, knight said he was going to the store, and asked me for a list. I gave him one only because I knew that without a shopping list from me, he'd have no idea what I needed from the store. I reminded him he was supposed to stop at the store on the way home, and that right now we were supposed to be discussing what each of us needs to improve things between us. Then, I went into the bedroom with my book, and ignored him until he left. He sent me several texts while he was gone, and I ignored all of them. He came home, put groceries away and came into the bedroom. By this time it was midnight, and I was ready for bed. I told him that our conversation would have to wait because he insisted of going to the store instead of doing what I asked of him. I reminded him he still hadn't finished his list, and then I went to bed.

The next morning, was a disaster. Knight tried to make coffee but the coffee pot cracked and spewed coffee grounds and coffee all over the counter. While he was making coffee, I was looking for a package of my asthma meds that I mislaid someplace.  I told him to keep an eye on the 14 yr old while he cleaned up the coffee mess he'd made. I was going out to the car to see if I'd left the med package in the car. I wasn't out side more than a minute when knight came out after me. His reasoning for ignoring my request? He was "helping."  I asked him where the 14 yr old was, and he said "At the kitchen table."  Now.. understand that we have a rule that says the 14 yr old must be supervised at all times. Without direct, eyes on, supervision he gets into trouble every time. His therapist and I have put together a plan to help him understand what is appropriate behavior and what isn't, but the beginning phase of this requires 100% eyes-on supervision 100% of the time. When I take a shower, go outside, use the bathroom, or anything else where I can't keep an eye on him,  the 14 yr old must take whatever he is doing to his bedroom. My knight just completely ignored that requirement, even after I handed the kid over to him. (which, I must add, I had to hear from the 14 yr old later that day.. "Why do I have to go into my room? Daddy didn't make me go in my room when he went outside this morning." The kid did do what he was told, but he tried to start a fight about it.)
When knight came out to the car, he moved the Amtgard weapons that I had just stacked up so I could look in the trunk. In the process he knocked over a few things, and made a mess. I asked him why he was outside. His answer was that he wanted to help. When I told him that I ASKED for his help.. I asked him to watch the 14 yr old while I searched the car, he just stood there.

Oh.. and he never did clean up the coffee mess. I had to crawl under the counter yesterday to clean it. Getting on the floor is incredibly difficult and painful for me because of the MS. There are not many things I can't do because of it, but there are a few things that are painful and difficult enough that I avoid them as often as I can. Getting up and down to the floor is one of those things. When I said something to him about leaving the mess he answered with, "Well, I had to get to work."  Um.. if you had cleaned it up instead of getting in my way in the car, you would have had plenty of time.

Then, when he finally left for work, he still did not take the boxes. I reminded him last night and this morning, and the damned boxes are STILL in our room, waiting to be carried to the car. I'll do it myself this evening, and drop them off after choir rehearsal.

We still haven't had our discussion about what each of us needs. I believe he's intentionally putting it off. He keeps telling me that he loves me, and wants things to work out between us, but obviously he's not willing to have the conversation that could help us both get what we need.

Now, I realize these are all little things. But, after awhile, the little things add up and when those little things become almost constant, and make more work for someone who is already trying to do the work of 3 people, then those little things become a big thing.

I made my displeasure known last night, and all he did was make excuses. He ignored my direction to go to the store after rehearsal because, he says, he was trying to take care of me. He got in my way looking for my meds in the car yesterday morning because he was, "worried and trying to help."  I asked him just exactly when he decided that he knows what I want/need from him better than I do.

I keep hoping things will change, that he'll start listening to, and paying attention to my wants and needs, instead of ignoring what I tell him and doing whatever the hell he wants (and then trying to blame me). But, hope is cheap, and I no longer believe he will make the changes needed for us to make this work. He still continues not to talk to me about his needs in this marriage, he continues not listening to what I have to say, and he continues to  ignore the lists (that he asked for), and the flr rules (that he ALSO asked for).

Sunday night when we went to bed, I had hope that things might improve between us. Now, that hope is gone. I'm trying to decide if it's better for the kids for us to separate now, or if we should stick it out until the youngest is high school/college age.

My Thoughts And Plans.

This morning I sent knight the following email:

I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, and the problems and distance between us. Answer the following questions with a simple "yes" or "no". If your answers are no, that's fine, we'll deal with it. Just know that you will be held accountable for your answers. If you don't answer -today April 10-I will assume the marriage is over, and act accordingly.

1. Do you really, truly want to save this marriage?

2. Are you staying because it's "easier"? You avoid conflict at all costs. Divorce is a major conflict, and I can see you staying simply because it's easier.

3. Can you honestly, and deeply say that you want us to be close?

4. You tend to act in very passive aggressive ways. I've been saying for years, and I stand by that. Are you willing to look at it honestly, and address the issues?

If he says he doesn't want to save the marriage, or if he says he's staying because it's easier, or if he is not willing to look at things honestly, then I am completely and utterly done with this. I can't say that I will file for divorce, because I'm not sure a divorce is in the kids' best interests. Our youngest is 9. I'd rather wait until shes a bit older before we divorce. But, I won't put any energy or thought into the relationship, and I will focus entirely on the kids and myself. 

If he says that he does want to save our marriage and is willing to put the work into it, then I will create a simple list of things that he must do in order to even have a shot at working things out. I'm still thinking about what will be on that list, but right now it looks like this:

1. Read about passive aggressive behavior, and learn to recognize it in yourself, and admit it.

2. Learn to identify and talk to me about your feelings. "I don't know" is no longer acceptable. I have to see steady progress on this goal.

3.  Listen and repeat back to me when I talk to you. 

4. Take solid action every day that shows the kids and I that we are important to you. (I'm thinking about including a list of ways he can do that, because it's different for each of us, and sometimes the Aspie-ness gets in his way).

If he doesn't answer the questions at all, then I will assume he's not interested in trying. In that case, or in the case that he confirms he doesn't really care, or isn't interested in doing the work, then I will start by focusing completely on me and the kids. I'll start doing what I want and not including him in our plans. He's welcome to join us, if he wants to, but I won't ask, and I won't expect him to be involved. I'll act like it's just me and the kids while I decide if a divorce is absolutely necessary for me to be happy. I'm also going to do a lot of reading on passive aggressive behavior.

An Update:

I'm posting an email exchange between knight and I. This happened yesterday. Why am I posting it here? Mostly so it doesn't get lost in my archived emails, and partly so that I have all my thoughts in one place.

I took knight into work yesterday because I wanted the car. We didn't speak two words to each other before we left the house. Nor did we talk during the 35 minute drive. When he got to work, he sent me this:

Love you babe--- ...just that.  I love you.

I responded

odd way of showing it.

And then:

ya know... you had the chance to show me that doing something together, without the kids, was important to you.. that you took me seriously when I told you we need go out occasionally, and that I never get to do anything fun.   

But..............you didn't. You dropped the ball, and didn't call (the babysitter) , like I asked you to. This is the SECOND time you've screwed this up in the last month.

I won't ask anymore. I am going out on Saturday, but not with you. You can stay home with (the 14 yr old) .  And, from now on, if I want to go out and do something, I'll just go do it and leave you home with (the 14 yr old) . I'm not even going to ask you anymore. I'm done giving you the chance to disappoint me, and show me how little I mean to you. I can't continue to allow myself to be open to that kind of hurt. I cried almost the whole way home because you didn't think enough of me.. of US, to call the freaking babysitter and see if she was available.  You have no reasonable excuse. I mentioned it on SUNDAY on the way home from (the family trip). I reminded you on Tuesday. It's now Thursday, and it remains undone.   Don't bother now- it's too late. Your actions (lack of action) has shown me (again) where I stand with you.   I'll go out alone and have fun

He answered:

...that's what the lists are for, babe...to counter my absent-mindedness.  If it's not on that list, then it drops off my radar--I've got too many things all going on at once, and I lose track.  I know this.  *We* know this.

*sigh*

...if you want to go out, babe, go ahead.  I'm not stopping you.  I love you.

My response:

Nope. The FIRST time you were supposed to call (babysitter) (zoo trip), it WAS on your list.. every day for a freaking WEEK. You did not bother.

This week.. I told you to put it on your list. AND I reminded you. You did not do it, even though yesterday you told me, "right, I'll do it today."  Still remains undone.

You forget something.. they are YOUR lists. Not mine.. therefore, Not really my responsibility. You don't appreciate them............hell, you can't even be bothered to say "thank you" for the time I take the write the stupid things. They go mostly ignored, completely unappreciated, and when I remind you to go over your list with me at the end of the day, you get defensive and irritated, so why should I bother. It's 

not worth the hassle, the fight or the stress. 

I am going out this Saturday without you. I don't need your permission, I didn't ask for your permission. Quite frankly, I'll go out without you on Saturday whether you like it or not. 

I'm done allowing your inconsiderate, hurtful behavior to effect me, and the kids. I'm done allowing you to make excuses for your actions. I'm done opening myself up to you only to be ignored, put off, and treated like I don't matter to you. I'm done asking  you to show me that you care about us.. I'm done giving and suggesting ways you can show me that I matter to you, only be be disappointed when you don't bother. I'm done taking your feelings into consideration at the expense of my own. I'm done crying because, once again, you've blown off something that was important to me, or otherwise shown me that I don't matter in your world. I'm done making excuses for your hurtful behavior to the kids. I'm done hoping things will change, and you'll suddenly be considerate, caring and open. I'm done trying to force my way through your walls.

I warned you for years that it would come to this.. that your inconsiderate actions, lack of attention to emotions and the romantic side of things, lack of attention to details, and inability to keep your word  were going to push me to lose all trust for you, and at that point, I would simply stop trying. We've hit that point. You have no understanding of the depth of my emotions or ability to care about somebody. I told you from the start that if you didn't take care of the romantic in me that you'd lose me completely. I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.. it's taken about double the time I expected it to take. But.........I'm there. 

Is it fixable? Hell if I know. From your past actions, I'd say probably not because it would require you to do things that you have not even done ONCE it all the time we've been together.And I don't think you'll bother.

I won't tear the kids apart. A divorce would be hard enough on the kids, but if we separated they would lose siblings. I won't do that to them. However, all those things that have really upset me over the years, all the times you've left me in tears and feeling completely alone have ruined us. All the times you left me to deal with the hard stuff, while you put your head in the sand and pretended everything was fine have taught me that I can't trust you. All the times that you've sat there and said and did nothing while I was upset, feeling overwhelmed and alone, and told you exactly how you hurt me have taught me that sharing my feelings with you is stupid, you will do nothing. 

He answered:

 I was not giving permission.

I always appreciated the lists.

I am not inconsiderate, or hurtful.  I will admit to absentmindedness.

I love you.

My response:
..........and that is why our marriage is most likely ending. You have not listened to a word I said. you ARE inconsiderate and hurtful. To me, and to the kids. You blow us off all the time. You don't listen when we talk to you. How many times have you told (my 12 yr old), "not now J" when he wanted to do something with you. And then you wonder why he doesn't heed your advice, or listen when you talk to him. He treats you the same way you've always treated him.  (The 14 yr old) believes you don't care how he acts. He's told me this. He's told (his therapist)  this.  (Our 9 yr old)  feels like you don't like to play with her and do things with her. She's told me this. I feel like you'd rather be anywhere else than with us. I feel like you don't give a damn about me.  I've told you I feel that way. I've told you how to avoid coming across that way, and you refuse. If that doesn't illustrate inconsiderate and hurtful, nothing does. 

Once again, I've told you exactly how I feel. 

And you've told me that I'm wrong. 

Meanwhile, I have changed so much of who I was, and learned to hide so much of myself in order to avoid being hurt again because you have absolutely no consideration for my needs. No consideration for me, no recognition of me as a woman.. hell, you don't even KNOW me anymore. And, you don't want to. I  even had to give up being a hopeless romantic  because you couldn't be bothered to pay attention to that. I gave up dreaming, hell, I've given up writing because I can't do everything, and something had to give, and you don't help out. 

why am I even bothering? You refuse to admit or even look at the hurt you've caused me. I keep trying to talk to you.. hoping you'll listen, and care enough to change things. But.......you don't want to take any responsibility for your actions. There's always a "reason" and excuse.......it's always somebody or something else's fault. 

Except it's not. YOU did these things. You have made me feel this way. Nobody else. You. Be being selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful. You don't care about our marriage.. If you did, you'd SHOW it. And you don't -- haven't for a very, very long time.  

He never did answer this, nor did he bother to answer 4 other email that were all kid related. Later yesterday afternoon, I dropped something off at his office for the CEO of the company. I called knight when I pulled into the parking lot. When he came down, he asked why I called instead of emailing or texting like I usually do. I told him I called because he has not been answering emails, and I didn't feel like sitting in the parking lot until he got around to checking his email.  When he got upstairs to his office he sent me a text saying he had not answered because he had no idea what to say.

At least that was most likely an honest response.

Last night, after the kids were in bed, I tried to talk to him. To find out what he's thinking, and if there is any point in me putting any more energy and effort into this marriage, or if I should just cut my losses, and plan on being alone. I got a lot of silence, tears, and no real answers. He insisted he's doing his best, but at the same time denied being difficult and hurtful.

This morning when we got up, he started my coffee, took his supplements, and hung around where I was, trying to be helpful. When it was time for him to leave for work, he came over and gave me a kiss on the shoulder. Said, "I love you" and left for work. He's trying his level best to pretend everything is fine. It's not.

On Wednesday, I told him I would not write anymore lists for him, because of his lack of appreciation for them. (He doesn't even bother to say "thank you" most of the time.)

About The Chastity Device

Knight finally did tell me how he felt when I gave him the device. He said he was upset and insulted and resented that I'd suggested it. He said that instead of building trust that incident destroyed trust.

My response was simple......."well, now you understand how I feel when you don't follow through on your word, don't bother doing little things for me, and can't take the time show me this marriage means something to you."  Then I reminded him that I have him two opportunities to veto the idea, and he didn't speak up.

Things May Be Coming To An End.

I'm fed up. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of feeling like the kids and I are not important to him. I have tried my damnedest to get us on track, to show him where he's going wrong with me and the kids. But, he refuses to take my advice, refuses to listen. Oh, things get better for a while right after he's on the receiving end of a major chew out, but as soon as he senses that I'm no longer mad at him, he goes right back to being inattentive, distant, and barely there. My son (12) tells me that he doesn't ask knight to do things with him anymore because most of the time knight's answer I "not right now." And the kid is right. The Aspie 14 yr old says he doesn't think his dad cares how he acts or what he does because "he never says anything." The 9 yr old girl? She's always complaining to me that "daddy forgot to........." whatever it was she asked him to do.  Picking up the pieces and , soothing upset kids, making sure the things he "forgot" always falls on me.

Knight SAYS he cares, he tells me that he doesn't mean to forget things, or drop thing, he just gets overwhelmed and can't keep up. That's where the lists come in- an attempt to help him keep on track. Except that doesn't complete his daily task list just about as often as he does complete it.

Knight tells me the kids and I are his world, but when the 12 yr old wants knight to play Magic, or help him make Amtgard armor, or go in the backyard and swing swords, knight typically tells him, "not right now," unless I step in and tell knight to go play with the kid.

Knight tells me that nothing matters more to him than spending time with me. In the car on Sunday I asked him to call the babysitter to see if she was available for a few hours this coming Saturday. We don't need a babysitter for the 12 and 9 year olds, but the 14 yr old Aspie needs constant supervision and he refuses to listen to his 12 year old brother. Because of that, we can't go out alone unless we hire a sitter for the 14 yr old. I told knight to put "call the sitter" on his list for Monday. Today is Thursday. Knight hasn't called the sitter yet. He says he "got busy and forgot."  My answer was that if it was important to him, he would have written it down like he was supposed to.  This is the second time in a month that I asked him to call the sitter for the 14 yr old. The last time,  he didn't bother either. I ended up leaving knight and the 14 yr old at home and taking the other two to the zoo for the day instead.  This time, I'm going out, alone, and leaving him home with the 14 yr old.

Knight tells me that he wants to make things work - that he will do 'whatever it takes" to fix things between us. Yet, he doesn't talk to me, doesn't listen when I try to talk to him, doesn't seem interested in anything I want to do. Hell, a few days ago, I sent him a new article on Autism and asked him to read it. The article discussed a new herbal protocol, and I was thinking about trying it with the 14 yr old. Knight never bothered to read it. Told me he "didn't have time." Um.. it was about a study that might help his kid. I don't try new things on the 14 yr old without knight's okay. He is HIS kid, after all. So, while I'm stressed beyond my ability to cope from dealing with 14 yr old's current behavior issues, knight can't make time to read a 2 page article for me. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised. Knight doesn't take the time to do anything to help relieve the stress, either. I don't even bother asking for massage anymore. He spends all of 5 minutes and calls it done. I put household chores on his daily task list to give myself a break to do something else, and either the chore remains undone, and I have to do it myself the next day, or he does such a lousy job at the chore, that I have to redo it the next day. Either way, it's easier, less frustrating, and less hassle to just do it myself the first time.

Knight knows how I feel. He's known for a long time now. Remember, we started flr as an attempt to deal with these exact issues. It worked for a while. Things were good for a while. Hell, we had an entire year that was *really* good. And then he started acting like a rebellious teenager, and it all fell apart. I've told him recently how I feel. When he upsets or disappoints me, I tell him exactly what he did that disappointed me, and how he can avoid it in the future. He keeps doing the same things over and over again.

I often give him small opportunities to do something to please me, and he never takes them. Example? This Sunday, on our family trip. We were in the gift shop of the cave we toured with the kids. I found a pair of earrings made from a gem that I absolutely loved. I thought about buying them, but second guessed myself because they were almost $40.  Six kids - one income. Not buying things for myself has become a habit, even though we now only have 3 kids at home, and we can afford for me to but things for my self occasionally now.   My 9 yr old asked me to take her outside because the gift shop was loud and crowded and she was getting overloaded. Knight asked me if there was anything I wanted. I told him, I really loved those earrings, and if he wanted to get them for me, that would be okay. Then I took the 9 yr old outside.  When knight and the boys came out, knight showed me what he bought. He bought me a cool pen, an amethyst necklace, a pair of hematite earrings, and a salt candle holder. The earrings I told him I wanted were not there. I was disappointed, but didn't say anything because the kids were there. Later, I told knight that I had given him the perfect opportunity to please me, and he hadn't even paid attention. He made excuses.

First he told me, "But, you said you they were too expensive."

I reminded him that before I left, I told him I had changed my mind, and it was okay if he bought them. Knight didn't say anything.

When I brought it up again last night, he told me that he had not heard me say it was okay if he bought the earrings. I reminded him that he answered me, so it was obvious that he had heard me.

This kind of thing happens frequently. I will ask knight to do something for me that's not house, kid or chore related to give him an opportunity to do something to please me. It might be simply like "set up candles, and put on romantic music" or "Those earrings would make a great Christmas gift", and he simply ignores me. I can't even remember the last time he complemented me.

It's really difficult to believe that he cares at all what happens to us or how I feel. He tells me that he cares, that I'm his world, the he wants us to work things out. But when it comes to doing thing to back that up, there's nothing. Then there is the night my back was hurting me so badly.

Knight tells me, "If I didn't want to be here, I would leave."  That is not even close to the same thing as listening, doing small things, being considerate, helping out, and being there.

I feel like we're no more than 2 people raising kids together. That's it. I want more from my marriage. I need more from my marriage, and if he's unwilling to do the things that show care, concern and affection, then maybe it's time for me to admit defeat, and move on.

I haven't made any decisions yet. I really don't want to split up the kids. They think of each other as siblings, not "step-siblings". They're close,  and being separated would add more hurt to a divorce than in necessary.  For that reason, separation/divorce is not something I'll do lightly.

I don't expect things to change. We've been at this point frequently over the last year. Things change for a few weeks, and then he goes right back to breaking promises, leaving things undone and complaining and arguing when I correct him.

So... what am I going to do? Well, for starters, I'm going out alone on Saturday, and I'm going to have fun. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but it's probably not going to involve dinner and a movie (the only things he ever wants to do when we go out alone).