Knight finally did tell me how he felt when I gave him the device. He said he was upset and insulted and resented that I'd suggested it. He said that instead of building trust that incident destroyed trust.
My response was simple......."well, now you understand how I feel when you don't follow through on your word, don't bother doing little things for me, and can't take the time show me this marriage means something to you." Then I reminded him that I have him two opportunities to veto the idea, and he didn't speak up.
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Incentive..
Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...
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Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...
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I told Knight that in order for me to put any more energy or effort into our marriage he MUST: see a doctor to find out why he's havin...
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Over the weekend my Knight and I were talking some more about FLR details.. you know.. where he wants to see this go.. how far he's look...
Angelique, it doesn't sound like you are dealing with a surrendered husband but rather with a petulant child. He's rebelling against your authority. No husband should have a say in whether or not he wears a chastity device. If you decide it is needed, he must accept that. Otherwise, he is simply rebelling against your authority. I have a chapter on rebellion: http://www.scribd.com/doc/207590365/
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ms. Fumika. He is not a surrendered husband, yet wants to live in a real-life fantasy world as if he was. Unless a previously agreed upon limit was violated, how is it even possible that a truly surrendered husband would even be allowed to consider the ability to "veto" anything?
ReplyDeleteHe was no permitted to veto the idea. The chastity device I bought did not fit. At the time, he didn't say anything to me except, "it doesn't fit." This past weekend, I asked him to tell me what he was thinking and how he felt when I gave it to him, and if he was relieved or disappointed or somewhere in between when it didn't fit. At no point did he tell me he wouldn't wear it.
ReplyDeleteMany months ago, I told him that if things did not change, I would start using a chastity device as a form of punishment. Because we had never discussed it before, I gave him the opportunity to say no. He never did. That's what I was talking about in my post.
Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am stunned he reacted that way when you gave him lots of chances to say he didn't want it. Are you sure it truly didn't fit?
Also did he understand that it wasn't meant to be because you dont trust him but rather to remind him of your control.
The thing is his level of communication is ridiculous. He needs to communicate better or you two don't stand a chance. You give him ample chances to talk to you and he doesn't. So you go out on a whim exerting your control (which I am proud of you for as it takes courage on your part) and then it backfires.
Could you afford for him to go live temporarily in a hotel or tiny studio apartment. Sort of take everything away from him and force him to prove what he says with actions to slowly earn his way back into the family. I don't know. Just a tought.
Based on your previous post, my opinion of Knight has changed. I now think he must know exactly what he is doing to you and the FLR. What I don't understand is why. Is the reality of his fantasy FLR not working out exactly to his liking and he doesn't have the courage to admit to you he now doesn't want it? Only Knight can answer that.
ReplyDeleteI would not even attempt to tell you how to go from here. Guess you just have to follow your heart. My only thought is that, since Knight works with lists(sometimes), maybe you should make a short, non-negotiable list of what Knight has to do to stay in the marriage and give it to him. A permanent FLR should definitely be on that list if Knight stays and, if you desire, chastity as well.
You have big decisions ahead. Whatever you decide, I sure it will be well thought out. I am just flabbergasted that Knight has brought you to this point. He has no one to blame but himself. I wish you the absolute best because you deserve it.
The following book might be worth a read. I don't know Knight and I don't know you, but the dynamics you described made me think of passive-aggressiveness.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Aggression-Boardroom/dp/0671870742/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1428649368&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+the+passive+aggressive+manhttp://www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Aggression-Boardroom/dp/0671870742/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1428649368&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+the+passive+aggressive+man
I found this book in many aspects very helpful. And even if you don't read it,the gist of it is: There is no need for you to be either his manager or his rescuer. You are a wonderful woman with soooo many gifts and talents. First of all make sure that you are ok yourself. Your first and foremost task is not to make him happy but to make yourself happy :-)
If he is fighting you through "omissions" and "forgetting things" and "not talking" and twisting things in a way that hurt you, try to keep in mind that this is HIS way of dealing with things. There is no need for you to "play" this game with him. It takes two for those sorts of dynamics. And if you step out of these dynamics, the situation can improve indeed a lot. I stick to my believe that he does indeed love you. the two of you have come a long way together, I don't think that you should give up on each other during a time when both of you are feeling vulnerable and hurt.
I liked Miss Maries comment to your post, when she wrote: "Unbelievable". I do think that her comment is a good indicator of what the
"normal" response to his behavior is. Me, I got to admit, I first felt sick to my stomach when I read it and then actually started laughing when I realized how he had turned things in such a way that gave you all the blame. Once again he was successful in giving the impression that you made something wrong. And he did this in such a "perfect " twisted way. As a lawyer I got to admire these skills. It is almost impossible to confront him with his action. He can lean back and say: "you wanted the chastity belt, it was your decision, I am the one who is feeling hurt, you are the one who is not trusting me, you are the one who hurt me by giving the cb to me." And when you point out that now you are hurt too, he can easily say: "?????? YOU wanted me to tell you how I feel, now I am doing it and you are still not satisfied? "
Anyway, my point is:
Angelique, you have given and given and given in the last months. We all see this and we all support you from afar. We are all sending you good vibes through the cyber space :-) You got all right to feel exhausted and sad and overwhelmed. And we understand that you are only human too, even though your strengths seems to be almost super human like sometimes ;-)
Give yourself some slack. pamper yourself as much as possible. Surround yourself with things you love and things that make you happy. Once you are feeling better again, the situation with Knight will improve too.
You've hit that one square on the head. For years I've called his back and forth behavior his "passive aggressive bullshit". Before we started flr it was a constant, never ending thing. He told me "if you'd just tell me what you want me to do, then I could do it". That's what led me to flr. And, it worked -- for awhile. Last night, he tried to tell me that he doesn't know what I want from him. Then, when I pointed out 5 instances in the last 3 days where he knew exactly what I wanted from him, (because I told him), and he still didn't do what I asked, he responded with absolute silence.
DeletePassive aggressive? Yep, and I've been telling him that for years. I identified it probably 6 months after we moved in together, so about 10 years ago. Of course, he's always denied it when I've tried to point it out. Thanks for the book suggestion, I'm going to order it.
Hang in there, Dearest Angelique.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very strong and smart woman who has been doing most of the heavy lifting in the relationship for a long time. I very much support the comments above by Lawyer, and also by Mistress Marie. Trying to manage and rescue your husband is not working, and your current situation is not sustainable. Time away from knight may be a wake-up call for him, and then counseling is called for. If those don’t work, you may wish to consider ending the marriage, as a last resort. Perhaps a separation or divorce will cause enough pain for knight to motivate him to make some personal changes.
Also, don’t forget about God. How is your relationship with Him? Do you have a prayer life? It’s okay to lay your burdens at the feet of Christ and ask Him to help you carry them for you.
Warm regards,
Scott
Thanks, Scott. I'm not Christian, as I don't believe I need an intermediary between myself and God, but, I have done a lot of praying and meditating on our marriage. That's why I've stayed this long, and tried this hard. Meditating on the issues I'm led to believe that he does want to be the loving, supportive (and yes, submissive) husband, but that his experience with his ex left a lot more damage that he's willing/able to admit to . Even now, when I'm at the end of my ability to cope, I do believe he wants to work things out. I think he acts the way he does out of old hurt that have nothing to do with me. If he can see that, and admit to it, then, maybe he can heal. If not, then I have to take care of myself and my kids.
DeleteThank you kindly for responding, Angelique. I appreciate your kindness and your ability to communicate about such a personal and heartfelt journey you are on. It warms my heart to know that you are mindful of the hurt that knight has been through and strong enough to focus on your own well-being and that of the kids.
DeleteTake care,
Scott
Dear Angelique, I am new to your excellent blog so please forgive me if I am not up to speed on all aspects. It seems to me that Knight is in denial over the depth of your hurt and pain over his attitude. I find that men are simple creatures and respond well to straightforward instructions and clear and inevitable consequences, along the lines of, "Knight, do this today. If you do not, X will happen." X being whatever consequence you feel appropriate, whether punishment, your absence, deprivation of some favours, restrictions on his freedom, whatever. It seems like his training needs to begin again. Then you could build up to expecting him to do things on his own initiative. Right now he is hoping your mood will change, and if it does it should be at your initiative. I am not sure yet, having not read the whole archive, whether you favour punishments with physical pain for him or just inconvenience. I find a combination of inevitable pain + periodic chastity effective for my own relationship, together with disdain, ignoring the man and increasing attention given to others.
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