It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks. Of course the holiday season always is, but I feel like I've been pulled in every direction possible lately. I've just had no time at all to sit down and write here. Of course, it doesn't help that I moved my computer to a standing desk, and the only place to put the standing desk was in the den where the kids could see my screen. I can't very well write about flr topics with in the view of the munchkins. This afternoon, I decided I'd been gone from Qnk long enough, and I moved my laptop back into my office so I can write in peace.
How's the flr been going since I last wrote? Okay.. not great, but okay. Most of the things I'm not happy with are my own doing - following in to routine, not paying enough attention to flr matters. The typical issues for us. Knight became extremely lax with following rules again and I read him the riot act about two weeks ago. I told him that I won't be pushed into any kind of regular punishment, and that I expected him to do this MY way. My way is that he meets my expectations even when I'm not enforcing them. I expect him to meet my expectations for no other reason than they ARE my expectations. I told him that I really resent having to double check and make sure he did what he was supposed to like he were a child. We may be practicing an flr, but I expect him to act like an adult.
He admitted that he'd been slacking off because I wasn't paying attention.
I'm trying to come up with things we can add to our daily routines that will underscore the flr dynamic and bring it to the forefront for both of us. So far, everything I've tried feels forced and silly. Once or twice I tried something that I found interesting and cool, only to have the whole thing fall flat when he didn't respond at all.. just stood there looking confused. I hate feeling stupid.... so that went nowhere.
No big failures.. just lots of little ones that are adding up. I've talked to knight about it, and he still maintains he wants to keep the flr, but has no idea where he wants it to go. I asked him what his goals were for our marriage.. where he sees us in 5 years. He had lots of ideas.. but they were all "stuff oriented" .. adding on to the house, building a new shed, going on a trip.. things like that. When I asked him about flr goals he had nothing.
So often, I feel like I'm doing this by myself... he says he wants the flr, but does very little to help me make that dynamic work. I need to know.. to see what about this dynamic makes him happy.. I need to know what he wants from this, and I need him play along when I try to explore and play with being dominant. Most of the time it seems that he only responds when I get angry or lose patience with him.