A note to my knight, from your very frustrated Queen. First of all.. I love you.
Is this really such a difficult concept? Is it really so freaking hard to do a job right the first time? Is it impossible to complete a simple job when you've been reminded every damned day for a week?
And.. when I call you on it, after I've given you more chances to rectify the situation than you deserve, more than I even feel is reasonable, instead of admitting that you screwed up, you stand there and make excuses. "But, I meant to do it", "But I forgot," "But I was working on the lights" (um.. NO, you had all freaking morning to fix my computer. All you needed to do was install the right software, it would have installed all by itself while you did something else), "But, I thought..." You thought what? I asked you to move the bookshelf. I called you into my office and said "the bookshelf needs to go HERE" It was clear, concise and to the point. AND --help me rearrange my office-- was on your list. I called you into my office and was very clear about what that meant. Move the damned bookshelf.
NO. Just be quiet. Stop making excuses for your stubborn behavior, and do what I ask of you. You know me - I rarely ask you do do things I can do my self , and I have never taken advantage of you under the guise of flr, so just shut up and DO what is requested. Yes, I can fix my computer myself. I don't freaking want to. I asked YOU to do it -- a full week ago. I am STILL waiting.
Let me remind you of a few things:
- You ASKED for flr.
- You continue to tell me that you want flr.
- You pretty much fall apart when the flr goes away
- We argue a LOT when the flr goes away
- I promised you that I would deal with every issue under our flr rules.
- I give you every opportunity to fix a mistake before I get angry. You get more chances to fix it than you deserve.
- I try very hard not to punish you, but you don't seem to be learning. Either that, or you have no respect for my feelings, or expectations.
- We are so much close.. the connection between us is so much stronger, when we are actively practicing flr.
- You feel more secure about us and about yourself when our flr is strong.
What I DO want is for you to understand that when I ask you do something, it is not optional. I expect you to do it correctly the FIRST time and within the deadline that I've given you.
I shouldn't have to double check to see that it is done. You are an adult.
I shouldn't have to make sure you did it correctly. You are and adult.
And I shouldn't feel like I can't count on the man who is supposed to by my partner. You can count on me all the time.. there is never a time when I don't do what is needed. Even when I'm having an ms week. I still do what I need to, and I'm still there for you.
I am tired of feeling like the flr is all about you. Where do I fit in to this? Am I really nothing more to you than someone to plan your days and write task lists that you may.. or may not adhere to? Is my role in this nothing more to write lists, manage all the household tasks, and remember to cock tease you? Is that all this is to you? We both know it means more to you than that.
Let me remind you again --- you asked for this. When it went away over the summer you became depressed, moody and difficult. You asked for it back. I agreed. So.. SHOW me that you appreciate it. SHOW me that it matters to you. Stop being so damned aloof about the flr stuff. I'm not going anywhere. I told you I would take the flr where ever IT led us.. that no matter where the D/s dynamic takes us, I won't bail on you. I meant it. So, start being involved in it. If it matters to you then SHOW IT! Don't know how.. okay.. that is fair. Follow your instincts, do what is comfortable....or do what you thought about that isn't comfortable... Afraid of looking dumb.. dude.. not valid.. I take that chance with you often.. and when I do you usually just stand there looking confused. Besides, I won't try to make you feel dumb.
So.. here's the deal- you screwed up.
1. I asked you to move the music book shelf to my office over the weekend. I wanted it done BEFORE N and P flew in today. You didn't do it.
2. I asked you to fix my computer so I can boot up in Ubuntu. I hate Windows 8 so much that I'm considering taking the HP back and going back to my Dell. I want my Linux back! Last night, you admitted you had not done it, and then blew it off, making me feel like absolute crap in the process.
3.When I mentioned both of these things this morning you argued with me and made excuses. Then you got angry with me, like I had done something wrong or was being unreasonable. I was NOT. I am rarely unreasonable, and you know it. You showed a complete disrespect for me, my needs, and the flr. Bottom line in this was that I counted on you, and you let me down... again. Yeah, I'm upset and hurt.
4.This morning, you tried to fix my computer, after I got upset with you. Okay, you get credit for trying.. BUT I told you very specifically NOT TO touch it , because you would be late for work. You can NOT try to make up something to me by making yourself late to work. You know how I feel about it. I should not have had to resort to telling you that if we didn't leave right now, you weren't going in at all. (because, remember, I need the car today so I can go to the airport and get N and P.
5. I told you what...? two weeks ago that you've been getting sloppy again, and asked you to remedy the situation. You have not. I will give you that things got a little better for a few days. But then, you went right back to being sloppy.
6. You have not been following your bedtime routine, either.
7. Shall we mention the headlight assembly? You ordered the wrong part. You spent over $300 on the wrong part. That indicates not enough research was done. You depended on somebody else's opinion, instead of calling the dealership and ASKING THEM for the part number you needed. We got lucky that the rep you had on the phone is accepting the return even thought it's against their policy.
So.. what to do about it?
I will tell you that pretty much everybody who reads and comments on Qnk thinks I should start using corporal punishment on you. The general consensus is that you're either a. just being lazy because you know you can get away with it, b. pushing to see how serious I am about flr, c. trying to push me into using corporal punishment, c. taking advantage of my preference to talk about it instead of punish. I will also tell you that most of the guys who read Qnk, and a good number of the women, actually do get spanked or do spank when the guy screws up to the level you keep messing up at. For them, that's what the word punishment means. He screws up , she spanks him. He argues with her or fights the punishment, he gets it twice as hard and twice as long.
That's what they do. Now, I'm not completely comfortable with spanking you. I'll be honest, you've pissed me off so badly that I have thought about it. Several times. But, I eventually calmed down and backed away from that because it feels wrong to me. I do remember that I brought the topic up once, a couple years ago and you didn't answer me at the time. A week or so later you told me, "do whatever you think is necessary to get me to do what you need from me." Was that consent for me to spank you? Hell, it might have been, I don't know. You never talk about this stuff openly, and I wish you would.
Anyway..........what do I do about these last couple of screw ups? See.. I'm getting tired of having to double check you. And, I'm feeling very frustrated. I take time every day to think about, plan and write these lists for you, I took time to write your Morning and Bedtime Routines.. why? Because you want me to manage these things for you.. But, how do you think I feel when you consistently ignore them? Or when you pick and choose what you will do? Or when you argue with me, and get pissy when I point out that you messed up? I'll tell you how I feel - disrespected, like I don't matter to you, like my time doesn't matter to you, like you think I'm just here to manage your world. It's my understanding that flr means it's your job to make my world easier. Hell, you have defined your role in my life using those exact same words more than 20 times over the last 10 years. But.. ignoring my requests, and not meeting your responsibilities, not helping around the house does NOT make my world easier. It makes me feel like I'm doing everything alone..including the flr.
So.. again.. what do I do about it?
Obviously there need to be some changes, and those changes probably have to come from me. Obviously I'm not strict enough with you. I let you get away with too much. I've been told several times that I shouldn't let you get away with ANYTHING. That every single screw up should lead to punishment because without absolute consistency you will continue to see what you can get away with.
Are they right?
It sure seems like it.
Do I really need to punish every time you mess up? The voices of experience tell me "yes."
So.. that will be the first change. No longer will I talk to you about it when you mess up, and then let it go. I will still talk to you about it, but at the conclusion of that discussion, you will be punished. If you make excuses for the mistake, I will increase the punishment. It's okay to disagree, it's okay to have a valid reason for not getting something done. "I forgot" is NOT a valid reason. No more 3rd and 4th chances.
How will I punish you? Not sure.. I will come up with something. I have a few ideas.
I won't resort to corporal punishment without your consent. Did you already give consent when you told me, "do whatever you feel you need to in order to get me to do what you need from me" ? Probably.. but that was a long time ago, and I'm not counting it as valid.
But.. in contrast to other times, I am going to consider lack of a response as a YES. So, a NO will take action on your part. In other words, if you don't tell me NO, I will assume that consent is given, and I'll consider spanking you a valid and accepted punishment method.
I've also considered buying a chastity device and keeping you locked in it when you start messing up at home. I mentioned that to you a year or so ago, too and you never commented or responded to it. Maybe I should consider it. Qnk readers think I shouldn't use it as punishment because you would just screw up to get locked up. It's possible, I guess. But, somehow I'm not so sure. Especially if I use it only as a punishment. I dunno. At this point, I'm thinking it might be worth a try. Do I have your consent? I think the "do what you think will work " comment from a while ago gives me consent to try it. But, I will give you the chance to revoke that implied consent. Again, if you don't actually say something, then I will assume consent.
What will the other changes be?
I expect you to show appreciation for the things I do for you. A simple thank you goes a long way. I don't have to write lists for you, I don't have to pay attention to your daily habits, and help you implement habits like taking your supplements every day. I don't have to spend my Saturday mornings in bed with you, and I don't have to spend time giving you those long teases you like so much. There are a LOT of things I don't have to do.. and I want to see that you appreciate them.
I need to concentrate more on what I want, rather than always being concerned how my actions effect you. I still tend to not do things that will inconvenience you, I don't ask you to go places I don't think you'll like. We almost always watch the movies YOU want to watch. Hell, I get tired of watching a movie each night..I'd rather do other things. I do all those things because I know YOU enjoy them. There are things I'd like to do, that I just don't mention because I'm not sure if you'll like it. But, when I suggest something I want.. you usually (not always.. but yes, usually) blow right past it. I need to stop that.
You wanted flr. I have been trying to be a gentle leader.. trying to teach instead of get angry, trying to give you opportunities to change your behavior on your own, instead of punishing you. I have paid much more attention to your wants and needs than I have my own. I don't do things because of concern over how you will react. It has not been working. I love you, baby. I'm tired of feeling frustrated and let down so much of the time. I'm tired of being angry at you for not following through. And, I'm tired of doing the things you were supposed to. We can't allow this pattern to continue. I am not willing to allow the pattern to continue... because I love you.
I'm not mad.. exactly. I'm frustrated, and feel... like you are not taking flr seriously. If we are running our marriage under flr, then, we need to RUN it under flr. Otherwise resentments and disappointments will set in on both sides. I want that closeness back.. I want us to be connected, We've had it before, and I want it back. I love you,