......... and I feel like we are not as close as we've been in previous years. I'm examining the reasons for that.
When were we the closest we've ever been? I'd have to say that was the year I was super strict with the flr. Knight was given no wiggle room at all. If he messed up , he was punished. Those punishments usually consisted of extra chores, or staying home from events. I gave him specific assignments every time I left the house without him, and I did a lot more telling and less asking. Sure, he messed up during that year.. some months he messed up a lot, but other months went smoothly. We were able to talk about flr topics more easily than we are now. Knight didn't always answer my questions about flr and his motivations, in fact most of the time my questions were met with silence, but my knight was less closed off. He allowed himself to be more vulnerable........
I was going to comment that we had a misunderstanding which led to a lot of hurt feelings,and that's why things changed. But, it just occurred to me that is wrong. It took us several months, but we did finally get back to that level of closeness and intimacy, and we still had it when we moved.
So, what changed after we moved? Did I change? Did he change? Or did we just fall away from what we were doing that was working? Lately, it's very difficult for us to talk to each other. He comes across as uncertain, and insecure whenever flr topics come up ... he tells me that it's because he "doesn't know" what I want him to say. He says he doesn't answer and doesn't talk about it because he has no idea how I want him to answer. For my part, I've become uncertain, too. Why? Because I am not happy.. no, that's the wrong word.... I'm not reassured by his current level of participation in the flr. I want to see that the flr makes him happy. I constantly battle myself with the whole "being too bossy" thing. I spent a lot of years countering the tendency to take over, because I was taught that it was "wrong", "controlling" and "put people off". I can disregard that early teaching - I've done it. But, in order to be able to look myself in the eye when being controlling of my husband I need solid evidence that he wants it, enjoys it and at the very least, does not resent it.
He's told me several times that he does not resent it, but then he goes though our day and evening and seems to just go through the motions. I want more than that. I want him to sincerely thank me for taking control of things. I want him to appreciate me controlling and managing his orgasms, I want him to thank me for taking the time to write his daily lists. I want to know that my efforts are appreciated and not taken for granted. Even after my very serious email a few weeks ago, I do not see or feel appreciation for my efforts.
And that is a big part of the problem. Why should I put in the effort if that effort is not appreciated by the person benefiting from my actions? I feel like he's taking all this for granted, and that is part of the problem.
Another part of my issue is the almost argument we had over the pizza a few months back. There was a party at work, and I told him to limit himself to two slices of pizza. He reacts to gluten. I didn't want him to have the pizza at all, but I also didn't want him to be the oddball at work, so I told him to limit it to a slice or two. He allowed one of the women at work to push another 2 slices on him after my limit. He was upset that I'd dared tell him what to eat, and I was angry that he'd listened to another woman over what I told him. After we talked about it, he admitted that he was wrong. When I asked if I took it to far, he finally said no, it was okay. But, we never talked about how I felt that he let another woman pressure him into doing something I had told him not to. Stupid as it may be, it kind of shook my trust in him, and the flr. Yes, she is an almost 70 yr old woman, and he didn't want to be rude by refusing the pizza she went out of her way to bring him. But.. I am his WIFE, and the leader of our flr.... he should care more about offending/upsetting me than he does her. If my word didn't matter once I was out of range, then do we really have the flr I think we do?
Stupid as it sounds, that incident shook my confidence when it comes to all matters flr.
So.. between some unseen/unnoticed changes between us after the move, and the pizza incident damaging my flr confidence, I think I see now why we are not as close right now as we have been in the past.
When I look at us, and evaluate our marriage and flr in a few months (on the anniversary of his submission ring), I want to see us closer than we are now, and on our way to obtaining the close, connected, open relationship I want.
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Incentive..
Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...
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Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...
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I told Knight that in order for me to put any more energy or effort into our marriage he MUST: see a doctor to find out why he's havin...
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Over the weekend my Knight and I were talking some more about FLR details.. you know.. where he wants to see this go.. how far he's look...
Does your knight read this blog? If so he must feel ashamed and hopefully will decide to do better now.
ReplyDeleteappy
No, he doesn't read the blog. I'm starting to think that maybe I should start having him read it.
DeleteI think the crux of your current situation lies in a statement you made in this post .... "
ReplyDeleteWhen were we the closest we've ever been? I'd have to say that was the year I was super strict with the flr."
I know that as a submissive husband, i tend to float toward the line of acceptance. If Mistress K. is lax with enforcing the rules, I tend to find myself on the relative edge of acceptable behavior. If that line has moved far enough from our core values, I find myself having behaved in an abhorrent fashion, well outside the scope of our commitment to each other in our established FLM. Is it my fault? Yes, some. Is it her fault? Yes, some. Does it matter whose fault it is? I suppose on some level it does but each of us never ultimately forgets the basic anchor points of our individual responsibilities in this life we have chosen. At the end of the day, my behavior, however good or bad it might be, is either acceptable to Mistress K. or it is not. When it is not, it is Mistress' responsibility for correct it, regardless of whether or not I am aware of if my behavior is acceptable. I always strive to be. I always to please her, but left to my own devices and without the proper leadership and corrective action being taken, my own feelings at any given moment will tend to dominate my behavior.
Good luck to you Angelique. Your happiness is all that should matter and the obligation and responsibility for your husband is to adhere to the parameters you have given him with that in mind.
Mistress Angelique,
ReplyDeleteI'm not even sure where to start this so this will probably disjointed and ramble on. At the moment I only have limited time so this will relatively short but I've been wanting to say something for a while now and I just can't seem to let it go. This for me is very personal, emotional and still raw after the last four years. Beyond this post I am going to write about this further in my journal as I think this is as much about me as it is to offer you and Knight support. I am also more than willing to share further should either or both of you wish.
I don't know either of you so what follows is what I have reflected upon on my own journey in dealing with a teenage daughter with significant mental health issues. Maybe there will be something in this for you both.
When this was all occurring around me I thought I was ok. I thought that everyone else was ok in their own way. We continued to function as a family, we both worked, my son continued through school and by every means possible we got our daughter through school as well. To most people we were a picture perfect family. Only a very few people really knew. I was emotionally closed off before this started and my communication skills were poor. I was arrogant, self righteousness and probably not a very nice person to be around. I also suffer some of the characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome and therefore lack the ability to empathise. A God awful mix with all of the issues going on. I just didn't see it like that at the time. If I was asked I said I was ok. We all had our masks on and we were all suffering in our own little spaces.
Well guess what, I was so far from ok it wasn't funny. I had shut down even further if that was possible. Relationships became strained, day to day was how we were getting through this. At the time I thought that I was coping. I went through the motions and outward looking things looked ‘normal’. The hopes and dreams that you had for your children evaporate in front of you, your aspirations and goals reset, you feel like a failure, what could I have done differently, self doubt becomes your companion. Again, none of this was evident to me at the time and if someone had tried to reach out to me on this I don't think I would have let them. I didn't deliberately shut out N, or disengage from interacting with my son, but it did happen. I found out recently that N almost walked out. Only the worsening of my daughter’s condition stopped her. I got a reprieve and through some good luck and some personal growth I found my way back, and we have found our love for each other again, our relationship is stronger and growing closer every day, and our family is healing. Still lots more to do.
I don't know what ultimately changed for me, I suspect it was a number of small things that eventually unlocked these emotions in me and I could finally see the hell I had been living and the hell I had been putting those closest to me through. This was where my current journey started about 3 years ago.
So what am I trying to say. In my opinion Knight does not know what is really happening around him, he is in major emotional overload and sounds like his walls are well and truly up. I'm sure he doesn't recognise what this is doing to the relationship or others that are close to him. I don't think it this is intentional and is about his own self preservation. To the outside world this looks like he is being selfish, and in a way he probably is. Please don't stop loving him, give him your strong leadership and guidance, be there in any way you can and remind him of the strength of the relationship and the faith he has placed in you to lead it. Keep chipping away, there is a way through this but IMHO this is going to eventually have to come from him. I hope this has helped in a small way. Please make tomorrow special for the both of you, even if it is just an oasis for 1 day. DtBHC.
Thanks for sharing it !!! That was valuable insight. It has helped me a lot. Even though it is kind of hard to hear that the change has to come from him and that there is not much the dominant woman can do in order to emotionally reach him.
DeleteDtBHC -- I took you up on your offer to send a private email.
DeleteTwo points to make:
ReplyDelete1. I would not ever let him put the ownership of anything to do with your FLR back on you. Example. Don't ever let him say "I don't know what to say." or "I don't answer you because I didn't know what you wanted me to say" or "I didn't do this because I didn't know if you wanted it done this way or that way." That's bull crap and you shouldn't put up with it. Make him commit. You can always discuss the quality of his commitment once that commitment is made. He has opinions. He does. We all do. He doesn't want to voice them and you let him get away with that.
Second, if you want to be thanked. Then demand it and if he mopes around and says 'thank you' in a tone of an eight year old having to say he's sorry to his sister, then make him say thank you again and again and again until it's done properly. There is a psychological truth that if you 'act as if' you will become. He isn't even acting appreciative let alone submissive.
Third, don't make up a list for him. Sit him down and dictate the list that he writes up for himself. Make him do it.
Forth, if gluten is bad for him then you should have not permitted him to have even one bite of that pizza. There is no shame in that. If that 70 year old boss had brought in alcohol and your husband was a recovering one would you let him have one drink? Of course not. And would you be concerned how she felt if he abided by having to say 'no' to her? Of course not. Well if he tells her I have a gluten sensitivity and react to it, then so be it. Hold your ground. Follow your gut.
Fifth, you have stated 50 times in the past few months how you probably should get more strict with your FLR. I think your gut is telling you something. It may not be easy. It may be rocky at first. You are going to force him down a path he may not at first want to go.... but where is this path leading you? What is the benefit to both of you living as you are? I think that's called a neurosis when you repeat the same thing over and expect different results. You need to change paths; change tactics.
I wish you well.
Nicely said my friend. I concur.
DeleteAs do I!! Angelique, we are all rooting for you!!
DeleteOkay.. so .. 1. how do I get around those answers? "I don't know what you want me to say" has been his standard response for oh.. 10 years.. any time there is something he's unsure of. Asking does not change it, getting upset or angry does not change it, punishing does not change it. It's always the same, "Nothing matters more to me than your happiness." and "I don't know what you want me to say/do here." and "It's up to you, because your happiness is everything to me." He tells me, "If I have an opinion, I'll tell you" but then it becomes obvious that isn't the case.
DeleteOn the thanking me, there is a solid difference between showing appreciation because you *have to*, and showing appreciation because you honestly appreciate the actions of the other. I want the latter.
I have been slowing becoming more strict in our flr. I have to do this in my own pace. I still fight with wondering if I've forced him into flr simply to keep the peace. That's not what I want. I started flr in an attempt to save our marriage, I continue it because of the changes I see in him. But, at what point do the changes I see over ride his words? If I see that he needs flr to be happy, and he tells me that he does not need it,. do I continue it based on my observations, or do I respect his words. That is my dilemma. He has never outright asked me to stop flr..... but my uncertainty comes from his own waffling back and forth, and his tendency to stop following the rules on his own.and I see he is happier under tight flr, but at the same time when he tells me he does not need it.
As for the gluten sensitivity, I know how much he can handle before it effects him. Two slices is that limit. He's not gluten intolerant. It does not make him sick.. he's gluten sensitive, too much makes him brain fogged. I allowed him to have those 2 slices because I thought he deserved a treat.. we don't eat it at home at all, and I don't allow him to have gluten when we're out.
Yes, I need to be more strict.. I'm working on that...I'm also working on my own reservations about being more strict. It's a process for us. He still doesn't even admit to being "submissive", even though he can admit to "needing the flr". If he were able to admit to me that, yes, he is submissive, I would not have the feelings that I do.
As always, I appreciate your words, and your advice. You've always given good suggestions. Thanks for that.
We don't have time in the morning for me to sit down and dictate his list. I write it for him because I'm not ready to put it together until after he's at work. I write it, and email it to him. On the weekends, he usually writes out his own list.
I agree whole heartedly with I'm Hers. Best of luck to you. Don't doubt yourself.
ReplyDeleteI agree whole heartedly with I'm Hers. Best of luck to you. Don't doubt yourself.
ReplyDeleteHello Angelique,
ReplyDeleteThe fact you are both investing in the relationship, each in your own ways, show that you care about each other deeply. I wish you and Knight well in knocking down that wall that’s gone up between you.
Perhaps tackling one thing at a time with Knight, keeping it simple but be very clear. Tell him you would like him give to you three statements of appreciation every day. A simple but more powerful way of saying “Thank you” is to use Supportive Feedback.
It takes a little bit of practice and some forethought, but Supportive Feedback is a very short three-step process for him to follow:
1) State the behavior or action that he saw you do,
2) State how he feels about it (happy, relieved, thrilled, satisfied, etc.) and,
3) State the benefits to both of you for that action or behavior.
Let’s say he likes getting daily task lists from you, here’s what he might say:
State the observed action: “You provided clear instructions for me …”
State how you feel: “I am very happy …”
State the benefits for both parties: “It allowed me to know exactly how to please you.” And “It shows that you care enough about me to provide the details …”, or “It allowed me to prioritize better.”
Maybe have Knight give you statements of appreciation (or Supportive Feedback) three times per day for a seven day period, without adding much else to your list of expectations. That way, you are not overloading him with a huge list or a complicated haze of things to see his way through. The important thing is to stick with it and reassure Knight that you love him.
You could even practice that supportive feedback on Knight as well, and perhaps take turns doing it. You may even make a game out of it by using post-it notes, racing to fill them out with “Things I like about you” on each page and sticking them on each other. Once you are both covered with little notes, you could go into detail on a few of them. Take steps 2 and 3, describing how you feel about those actions and the benefits or impact of them.
Once the two of you get good at Supportive Feedback, you could add a little Disruptive Feedback to your regimen, but we can cover that in a later lesson. :-)
It’s the carrot and the stick, and I recommend using Supportive Feedback 70% of the time to encourage the behavior that you enjoy and Disruptive Feedback only 30% of the time to disrupt the behavior you don’t like.
One thing that helps me the most in a relationship is prayer. Giving thanks for what you have and placing some of your burdens at the feet of your Creator can be very helpful.
Take care, Angelique, and have a Happy Valentine's Day!
Scott