Not Wanting to Push Too Far

Why am I hesitant to change things up and push my Knight's limits a bit? Especially when my goal here is to find his limits in the first place? After my last post I received some great suggestions - including doing something out of the ordinary that I'll enjoy that will push my Knight's limits and put him in a position where he has to voice his opinion.

I've been thinking about this all day. I think my hesitation comes from the simple fact that we are in an FLR at my insistence. My Knight did not come out and ask for this. What he told me was that he would do absolutely anything to same our marriage, and this is what I came up with. I came to the conclusion that FLR was what he wanted and needed by reading our joint journal from start to finish so many times I practically had it memorized. I went through 4 years of discussions, arguments and ramblings to figure out what I was missing-- why we were having the problems that we were. His repeated comments led me to look into D/s arrangements and that's how I found FLR. A couple years ago I suggested to him that it seemed like  he has submissive tendencies and asked if he'd be open to a D/s arrangement. He didn't say no, but went to great lengths to explain that he didn't see his need to fulfill my every wish as submissive. We went round and round  trying to define how he DID see it for about 2 weeks before I dropped it out of frustration. My Knight could not explain it and I didn't have the knowledge to help him.  We continued on the same hamster wheel for a couple years before I brought the subject up again. I came back to it because it seemed like he was doing it anyway. Again, he objected to terminology and I dropped it.  A year ago I came back to it after he told me he would do absolutely anything I asked in order to save our marriage. I was so serious about leaving that I was looking for an apartment for him (I was keeping the house) and had a visitation schedule worked out for him and the kids. (My Knight is a great dad. He just wasn't much of a husband at the time.)

This time I had done my homework and I didn't use the terms dominant or submissive. I used the phrase FLR and his answer was "THAT is exactly what I've wanted all along, babe. For you to be in charge because you do it better than I do."

Okay.. so we've been FLR ever since. And things have been great. No more arguing, no more broken promises, seriously reduced my stress level. He's finally doing what I've always wanted him to do. I'm happier, he's happier and the kids are happier. It's a good thing.

But, the thing is that I know he only agreed to FLR to stay out of divorce court.

Or did he? Could it be that FLR really is what he's wanted all along but he was afraid to admit it until we wer e on the verge of divorce court?  I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want.  I ask him regularly if he's happy with the way things are going, if there is anything he'd like to change, or add, or improve or subtract from our arrangement. His answer is always the same... he's happy with the way things are, for the most part. Sometimes he says he's not clear on what I want from him. Those are usually the times when I'm stressed or super busy and not being much of a leader.

It occurred to me this morning that maybe he can't tell me what he wants as far as FLR limits because he really doesn't know. Could it be that even though he does have a submissive personality that he's never given it any real thought, and so doesn't know what he wants? Maybe I really do need to start pushing his limits so that we can actually find his limits?

I am usually very self-aware. I give a lot of thought to what I want, what I need and how to go about getting those things. I've taught/am teaching our kids to do the same because you can't reach your dreams if you don't know what your dreams are.  My Knight has trouble identifying his feelings a good part of the time. Mostly because he's very action focused.   Could it be that he is so focused on his self defined role of making me happy that he's given no thought at all to what he wants and what makes him happy?

Maybe I need to start having him experiment with things in order to find the answers I'm looking for.

Communication (or Lack of Thereof) is a Bitch

Frustration is setting in. I have tried several times to encourage my Knight to tell me exactly what he wants from our FLR. I want to know what it is he needs and expects... what motivates him to strive to meet my expectations and what makes things more difficult for him. I want to understand the whys and hows of this whole thing in his head.

But all I ever get is "I just want you to be happy, Babe."

Yeah. I get that. And I appreciate it, and it's one of the things I so love about him. BUT... there has to be more to this that his desire to make me happy.

Doesn't there?

I want to know what makes my Knight tick. I want to know where his head wanders when no one is looking. I want him to share those deep thoughts that he thought he'd never share with anyone else.

Yeah, I'm asking a lot. But I'm not asking anything I'm not willing to give, and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I want to know these things so that I can use them to grow as his Queen, help his dreams and fantasies come true and ensure we're BOTH happy and content in our marriage.

Maybe I'm not asking the right questions? Maybe my Knight really does not know the answers? Maybe he still does not trust me enough to share these things? (that last one seems unlikely but the thought of it bothers me a lot).

I am doing my best to set aside quiet time every evening so that we can talk and explore his thought and ideas of where this should go. Every evening I get the same answers.  Maybe I need to try a different tactic.

My Thoughts on Chasity Devices

I've thought about locking my Knight. Sometimes I like the idea. I've even gone "window shopping" for a device online. The thought of restricting access to his cock so that the only sensations he feels are those which I allow is interesting. I find myself wondering how he'd react. How his actions would change if I asked him to lock it up for me.

 But I also like knowing that he maintains chastity because I require and expect it. It's a huge turn on to know that he's unlocked and free to do as he wants, but that out of love and respect for me he won't.

At the same time I've read blogs written by quite a few guys who enjoy their devices, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I talked to one guy for quite a while. He told me that he would feel like he was missing something important if his wife was not his keyholder. It seems that a lot of guys feel that way.

I guess part of my reluctance is that I'm just not sure how my Knight would react. He's still not comfortable and open with talking about his submissive tendencies. Or.. he's not aware of them to the same extent that I am. He honestly does not see how he is different than most other guys, and he doesn't understand guys who are NOT submissive to their wives. In my Knight's head it's simply the way it's supposed to be- a guy should follow his wife/girlfriend's lead because that's his role to protect her and make sure she's happy.

Given that, he's probably wear a device if I asked him to. But I'm not intrigued by the idea to push the issue. I trust him not to play alone, so there's no real need to make him wear a device.

If my Knight ever brings up the subject, or seems interested in being locked, I will get him a device. Probably not a CB, though. I don't like the way they look, even though I do like the idea of his cock being completely encased and blocked from all sensation except what I provide and allow. I don't know.. maybe one of these days I'll try it and see how he responds.

What's the Key?

On I'm hers there is a very honest discussion about the importance of the words used to make requests of a sub. It's got me thinking about the words I use. Most of the time when I make a request of my Knight I phrase it as a polite request.  Saying something like, "Baby, would you take the pan out of the oven for me, please"  or  "I need you to have the dishes done by the time I get back. Thanks." are both fairly typical for me. It's rare that I feel the need to order my Knight. He responds so quickly (most of the time) to my suggestions, requests, and even to my off-handed comments that oftentimes I only need to mention that I'm thinking about completing a task and he volunteers to take care of it for me.

We both understand that my requests are really just politely phrased directions, and my Knight would never dream of saying no. First of all it's not in his nature to refuse anything I ask him, and second we've discussed it and it's understood that requests hold the same expectations as demands. Occasionally I do make demands, if the situation calls for it. A few days ago my Knight was washing dishes and I asked him to take the trash out because the dog was paying too much attention to the chicken bones therein. My Knight said he'd take care of the trash as soon as he finished the pan he was washing. I told him, "No, I want it done now." So, of course that's what happened. Sometimes my Knight tries to do too many things at once and I need to stop him and tell him what he needs to finish first.. That only happens when I've been lax in giving directions and he's not sure what he should be doing.

I have noticed that almost every time I order instead of ask (whether it's in email or in person) his answer is somewhere along the lines of   "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

So, I find myself wondering if I should give direct orders more often instead of asking. Maybe I'm missing a vital component by asking instead of telling? Many of the blogs I read would certainly suggest that to be the case. Should I phrase requests more directly when the kid are not around? Should my email and text requests be commands instead of questions?  Maybe. It's hard to know for sure without an in-depth conversation with my Knight and he still has a hard time talking about the details of our FLR. We talk about things regularly... I make it a habit to ask him if he's enjoying the arrangement and if there are any changes he'd like to see.. anything he might like to do differently.

And.. every time we have this conversation he tells me that things are fine... that he's happy with the arrangement and doesn't want to change a thing. He still doesn't like the term "submissive" and says he isn't sure what he'd getting out of the arrangement emotionally except that he feels more secure with us and is happy we're not arguing anymore. I've noticed that while he seems more dependent on me for direction he's more independent and more confident in a lot of areas. I'm not sure that makes much sense but I don't know how else to explain it. It's like he has finally found his place. Actually, he's said that a couple times-- that he no longer feels like a third wheel.

So.. I know that the FLR arrangement is helping my Knight and he's happy with it. But what I can't seem to find out is whether it's a turn on for him or where those buttons are. I've asked, but like I said, it's hard for him to talk about.

I've asked him to write a page or two about how he feels the FLR had changed our relationship and what the arrangement does for him. He even said that he thinks writing it out will help him sort out his feelings and needs, so hopefully it will give me a little bit of insight. I have not decided if I'll share his writing here or not. It  will depend on how comfortable he is sharing this very personal part of himself. I think this whole thing is a bit scary for him. I'm not sure what part of it scares him though because looking back at his past relationships. he's always been submissive to the women in his life. So, that has always been there.

I can't claim to understand, but I am trying.

Things Are Going Well

We seem to have recovered nicely from our little set back a few weeks ago where my Knight thought I was mad at him. We've fallen into a comfortable routine where (I'm pretty sure) my Knight understands what is expected from him in the evenings and he's been making sure to do those things I consider vital. It's been good.

Last week my Knight was away on a business trip. I was a bit concerned about whether or not he'd stick to the no porn, no masturbation rules while he was gone. We talked about it a bit before he left, and I sent him one email reminder his first night in the hotel. But, I was needlessly concerned. He told me he would never even think about intentionally breaking one of the rules. And you know what? I completely believe him. Naive? Maybe. but I know my Knight. He is physical and mentally incapable of acting against what I've asked of him. As long as the rules are well defined and crystal clear, he will follow them. The only real time we run into problems is when he is unsure of what's expected, he misunderstands me, or thinks I'm angry with him.

Before he left on the business trip I made it clear that I expected him to follow the same rules regarding erotica and touching that he follows at home. I left no room for misunderstanding or questions. It's simple- the rules don't change just because you are not at home. My Knight said he understood that and would stick to the rules.  It was obvious to me that he didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to and we had an amazing tease session when he came home.  Tease and denial and orgasm control have become a regular part of our sex life and we're both enjoying it. When I first introduced orgasm denial into the mix, I expected my Knight to complain. And he did whine a little bit at first, but that didn't last more then a day or two. Most of the hesitancy was mine. At first withholding his orgasms felt like I was being unfair and depriving him. A large part of me was afraid he would come to resent the simple fact that I orgasm often and repeatedly while making him wait an undefined (to him, anyway) period of time. I expected him to get moody and maybe even a little irritable when I teased him and kept him on the edge of orgasm until I thought I had pushed it far enough only to bring him back down and start over again after only a few minutes break. I thought he would become impatient with me when I pulled him into our bedroom and played with his cock just long enough for him to get hard and then asked him to complete some chore or another.  Honestly, I don't think I would like it much if those roles were reversed, and going into tease/denial and orgasm control I expected he would not like it much either.

I was wrong. He loves it! My Knight has never been more completely absorbed in the sensations I'm giving him than he is during a tease session. He's at peace with the idea that he is not to release without my permission and I completely enjoy the power I have over him. He is so much more attentive, secure and just plain happier when I take the time to play these games often. I've noticed that when I get busy and neglect the games he becomes less sure of himself.  It doesn't take much... a flirty comment, a brush of my hand, and clear directions from me.

I think it's a combination thing.. when I'm not being active in his orgasm denial it's usually because I am busy and my mind is elsewhere and I'm being less than an ideal leader. Those are the times I expect him to do what's required without much direction from me. In other words, I fall back into a more typical 50/50 arrangement instead of taking the time and mental energy required to give instructions and  follow up to make sure those instructions were followed.

Who knew that FLR took so much energy! But.. it's in a good way. I'm learning a lot about myself and about my Knight. What makes us both tick and what we both *really* need. My Knight needs me to be a strong leader who gives clear, consistent direction.

I am setting a goal for myself for the next 30 days. And that goal is to not allow myself to get so caught up in the day-to-day that I forget to actually lead.

Money and FLR

The other night my knight and I were talking about new bio-medical treatments for Autism. His son has Autism and I have been using Biomed approaches with him since I came into his life 7 years ago. The kid has made wonderful improvements with the supplements, diets and herbs I've tried him on over the years. He's gained speech, motor control, social skills and expressive language skills under my care. I am fine tuning his diet, supplements and other biomed stuff so that he can reach his full potential. I mentioned to my Knight that I wanted to add a few things based on some new research I read. My Knight didn't object to the additions except for the cost.

We've been on a pretty tight budget these last 3 years because my Knight was laid off from his programming job and ended up stuck working tech support. I have nothing against working tech support, but there is a substantial difference in the pay scales between tech support and database programming. And we went from the mid to high end of the programmer pay scale to the low mid end of the tech support scale. It's only been very recently that my Knight returned to programming, and the higher pay scale. So, his objections based on money were understandable, but no longer relevant. After arguing for a few minutes over spending the extra money on this, I turned to look at him. "You are no longer responsible for the budget, remember? I took that over when we started FLR, so unless you have an objection to the approach, I'm doing this and the money I spend on it is not your concern."

My Knight just kind of looked at me and sighed. Later he tried to explain that he didn't mean that he didn't want me to make the changes, just that he was worried about spending the extra money. Every penny has counted over the last 3 years and things have been really tough. He's having a hard time breaking out of that mindset. Okay, fair enough. But.. again I reminded him that he doesn't have to worry about it, because it's not up to him anymore.

You know... he seemed sort of relieved.

Something to Think About

I’ve been quiet since February for the same reasons most of us stop blogging -- life got busy. My husband changed jobs; he moved from night shift to day shift and from tech support back to programming where he belongs. A pipe under the house clogged requiring super-human efforts to unclog it, another pipe broke, flooding our basement, and because of all the plumbing problems my washer spewed its watery waste all over my kitchen floor. TWICE. The van started acting up and threw the serpentine belt. And during all this my Knight started acting like a rebellious teenager.

The  job change is a good move. My Knight likes the work environment and he’s happy to be back doing what he loves and making the amount of money he’s used to making. But he seemed to have a slight attitude shift with the job change. All of a sudden he started ignoring requests, “forgetting” things again, spending money without getting my approval first, not making my coffee in the morning ( my only morning requirement of him), he even started to forget to kiss me when he came in. The changes lined up perfectly with his job change. I talked to him and he denied that anything had changed. I am a mental list taker and I was able to to rattle off *every sinngle* rule he had violated over the previous 2 weeks. He made a bunch of excuses like not having time to do things and saying the he wasn’t clear on what I wanted from him. I called bullshit and told him I was not willing to go back to the way things were before. I stopped our bedroom games completely. Told him I wouldn’t even touch him until he stopped his bs and started doing what was expected. I informed him that just because he’s making a decent paycheck again our rules have not changed. He is subject to our FLR agreement regardless of how much money he’s making. He swore that was not what was going on.. that he likes the FLR arrangement and doesn’t want to go back to the way things were.

“Then why are you acting like a rebellious teenager?!” I asked him.  My Knight continued to insist that he was not.  I was beyond frustrated with him and started to really consider making him sleep on the couch until his attitude changed. But.. the kids would notice and it would spark questions and worried kids, so I didn’t.  I started searching for answers.

Because the problems started the day the washer blew up on his first week on the new job, my theory was that now that he’s no longer bringing in half the money he’s used to making that he no longer felt like he was letting the kids and me down. My Knight believes in his heart that if I am in the position where I have to bring in money in order to help pay bills, then he isn’t doing his job as husband and father. I don’t hold that belief and I certainly don’t mind working to help support my family. But for my Knight not bringing in enough money is almost an unforgivable transgression.  Because of that single issue, the past 2 years have been hard on him emotionally. I assumed his change of attitude was because he was making more money. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I like the FLR “thing” and I had no desire or intention to change our arrangement. Once again my Knight assured me that he didn’t want to change things either. So then.. what was causing the change in behavior?

*Finally* he told me. “You’ve been mad at me since before the washer leak,” he said.

Huh? No.. I didn’t start getting angry with him until a week later when I had to move the washer and deal with the towels and shop rags he used to sop up the mess. These towels and rags were soaked with drain cleaner so strong some local farmer had used it to clear a pipe of an dead animal. I did NOT want to mess with that stuff and he knew it. But... he didn’t do it after several requests and reminders, and it needed done, so I got stuck with it. That’s what pissed me off....well that and him leaving the dryer in the middle of my kitchen for a week. I finally had to move THAT myself too. Sure I *can* do it, but like car repairs I prefer not to. And I expect him to handle those things without being asked.

After a long discussion about why he thought I was mad at him I realized I was partially to blame.

A few days before the washer spewed my Knight screwed up. He abused his computer download privileges and took advantage of my lenient opinions regarding porn and nudity. He was allowed to download whatever he wanted as long as he tells me about it and watches it in my presence. But, he downloaded something and didn’t tell me, and what’s worse was that he was careless and left the file in the trash folder and the trash folder open..... on the only desktop computer in the house. I was LIVID. This is the computer our kids use on a regular basis. There should NEVER be any nude pics, erotic stories or porn on that computer. If he’s going to write erotica, edit nude pics or download porn he’s supposed to use my computer because we can lock that stuff away from the kids on my system. I stumbled across the file and deleted it before the kids got to the computer but that really is not the point.

In the next few days afterward I laid down some new rules.  No erotica, porn, or nude pic editing at all if I am not around and aware of what he is doing. He downloads nothing *at all*, not even movies for the kids or ebooks for me, without my permission ever again.

I laid down the new rules, yanked his computer time for a few days, and gave him some extra chores around the house. I considered the matter closed.

My Knight, however, did not. He apparently didn’t see that as consequences and thought I was still mad at him. When he thinks I’m unhappy with him he retreats into his own little world and tries to avoid me as much as possible. And I think on some level he tries to irritate me to the point of yelling at him to punish himself for upsetting me in the first place. It’s a rotten spiral and one of the reasons we started FLR to begin with.

So.. he’s been in “she’s mad at me, I upset her, she doesn’t want me near her” mode all this time and I did not realize it.

I’m trying to figure out how to keep that from happening again.

When I gave him the new rules and the consequences for his mistake I told him the matter was closed. I said that I think that will be enough to keep him from doing it again and that when the last chore was completed the issue was forgiven. It seems to me that maybe it wasn’t strict enough to clear his conscience or resolve the matter in his own mind and so he figured that since he had not forgiven himself for upsetting me that I really had not forgiven him, either.

I may need to reevaluate my punishment system.