I Accepted FLR Because....

As part of our discussion yesterday, I sent my knight an email that included this:

I have accepted this role of leader because you are important to me, and I want you to be happy and content in our marriage and in our life together. You asked me to take control of things, and lead our family. I accepted this responsibility because I cherish you, and I cherish us. You wanted to feel like you belong to me, I'm trying to give you that because we 'belong' to each other. 

 

Baby Steps.....

I'm mildly irritated this morning.

Yesterday, I sent knight the following email:

Do you resent the punishment over the pizza the other day? Are you upset that I dared tell you to limit it to one piece? Did I go to far? Or are you okay with it because you know I was looking out for your health and well being?

Yes, I'm serious. I'm always afraid of taking things too far and causing you to resent the dynamic, or to resent me.

He answered with:

Yes...mildly...*sigh*

I took it as "don't eat too much pizza"...in the past I've been known to eat six or seven slices without batting an eyelash.  I didn't eat too much...I kept it to a minimum, lot less than I used to.

No, I would never resent *you*...but I'm not always perfectly in tune with this, you know that.

I love you.

I responded with:

Yes....what? I asked four questions yOu answered one.  That leaves a lot for interpretation.
Plus yOu are saYing that you interpreted "Don't have more than one" as not to much.....but that was not what i sAid...you assumed i didn't mean what i said. Would it have been different off you had taken me at my word instead of reading into Ii?
Sent from pHone.ignore typos

So.. after the kids went to bed last night. I tried to talk to knight. I started by mentioning that he didn't have time to answer my last email, and ask him what he thought.

"Um.. I don't know, babe."

I tried for a good 15 minutes to get him to talk to me about how he felt about it. He kept coming back to "I thought you meant not to eat too much, and I didn't. They were small pieces. " I called bullshit on the slice size, because it was chain made pizza. The slice sizes are standard.  "I didn't even eat the ends."  Again, not relevant.  I pointed out that I said exactly what I meant, and that he was wrong to assume I meant something different. He said that he didn't set out to break any rules, or intentionally break anything. I told him I knew that, but he still did break the rules. 

I tried to address the question of did he resent it, and did I go to far, and he never answered those questions. He didn't get angry, actually, he seemed upset over the whole thing. So, I still don't know if I went to far.. or if he resented the whole thing.  He did tell me he was over it, but that still does not answer my questions.  I truly hate it when he refused to answer a direct question with a direct answer.

Keep in mind that on Saturday after we went out for dinner, he had serious high blood sugar symptoms.... dizzy, his speech was off, he seemed spacey -  he  kept "blanking out" as he put it. I almost took him to the ER. Instead, I took his blood sugar and it was super high.. not diabetic coma high, but incredibly high for a person who does not have diabetes. I gave him 2 cinnamon capsules, and some chromium, and his blood sugar came down nicely. THAT is why I'm being strict about this.


 Before we went to bed last night, I reminded Knight that he needed to get up early and make breakfast and coffee, and have it ready by 630am.  He needs to leave for work before 715a, to make it to the office on time.  I told him he should set the alarm earlier so he can get up in time to have breakfast ready by 630.

 "Nah.. I got it, I'll just get up when the alarm goes off." 

Uh.. hu. The alarm is set for 615.

So.. this morning, the alarm went off. Knight turned it off, came back to bed, and cuddled in close to me. I reminded him that he had to make breakfast.
"Yeah, I know.. 10 minutes."

He finally got out of bed at 630am. He went straight out to the kitchen and made my breakfast and started coffee. Remember, though the directive was to make breakfast for BOTH of us, not just me. I got up and settled on the couch with my morning brain dump writing. I wanted When my breakfast was cooked, knight brought it to me and went off for his shower. He never did make breakfast for himself, nor did he finish making my coffee- it was still steeping when he went in for his shower. (I use a French Press for coffee).
So, I pressed and poured my coffee, finishing the job knight was supposed to do.

One one hand, I'm pleased that knight made the attempt to start fulfilling his punishment. On the other hand, I'm irritated and disappointed that he didn't do it correctly. I firmly believe that if you're going to do a task, you should do it correctly and follow the guidelines for that task. When he does things half-assed like this, it causes me to question his dedication to flr. I feel like he is doing only the minimum amount needed to avoid making me angry, instead of giving me his best. And I have issue with that. I give him, and our kids my absolute best every single day. Some days, that is extremely difficult because of the MS. But,I push through the pain, muscle spasms, balance difficulties and I do what needs done anyway.  Is it too much to ask for knight to do HIS best for me?

Sure, he likes the morning cuddle time..He's a very touchy- feely guy, so I would even go as far as saying that the morning cuddle time is something he needs to feel loved. BUT.. *I* would rather get up at 5 and get a head start on my day. It would give me a bit of uninterrupted quiet time before the kids get up. I need that, it helps me think and prioritize my day. Plus, for a writer, quiet time is essential.    Part of the my reasoning for having knight get up and make breakfast for both of us was to start getting him in the habit of getting out of bed a few minutes earlier.

But, really the point here is that he was given a job... as a punishment.. with a time deadline. "Have breakfast ready for both of us by 630am." It's simple, straightforward, and direct. He knew exactly what was expected of him, and I reminded him both last night, and this morning. I feel like he blew me off. I don't like things done half-assed.

Changes I Want to Make

I am guilty of not implementing changes to our routine, or to our flr, out of fear of pushing my knight farther than he is willing to go.

• What if I tell him he must sit at my feet and tell me he is dedicated to my serving me and my happiness, and doing so makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable and caused him to doubt his submissive feelings? 
• What if I buy a flogger or a paddle and us it on him, and he feels abused? A long time ago he told me he's open to anything except pain. But.. pain for him is different than pain for me. When I rake my nails down his back as hard as I can, it doesn't cause pain. It drives him crazy. I've even drawn blood on occasion, and apologized. He still loved it. I've learned that there is no such thing putting to much pressure on his body. I can lean all my weight into his back, and squeeze his cock as hard as I'm able, and he loves it. I've experimented with biting him in various places - not once has he said "ouch" or asked me to stop.In fact he often leans into it, silently asking for more.  But the idea of "what if" is still there"
• What if I tie him up and tease him relentlessly, and he feels taken advantage of, forced or even compares it to rape in his head?
• What if I tell him he can't eat something (like the pizza the other day), and he resents it?
• What if I arrange for a third person to join us, and knight feels jealous or like he's all of a sudden not enough for me. Granted, we've had one person join us in the past. But he was an old boyfriend of mine, and a dear friend. 
• What if I take action to fulfil one of knight's fantasies, or one of mine, and it drives a wedge between us somehow?
• What if he starts to resent the dynamic and doesn't know how to tell me. 

These are the things I worry about while managing our flr.  I know that it probably seems silly to many of my readers for me to worry about these things. Knight has shown, in many different ways, that he wants me to control everything. Recently, he has told me he wants the flr, that he doesn't want to control our money, or our activities, or our schedule. He has said flat out that he does not want to be in charge. When I ask or tell knight to do something,he usually does it. When he doesn't it's usually a matter of forgetting, or not understanding.

But, does that give me the right to push things as far as I can? Was I wrong to tell knight to limit himself to one piece of pizza, like I would one of my kids? What makes it "right" or "wrong" is intention, I think. My intentions were to look out for knight's health and well being - not to demonstrate my control.  Knight once told me that I "could make (him) do anything (I) wanted" because I have that kind of power over him. He said that to me pre-flr, and I didn't understand the weight of the comment. I thought he was just being sweet.

Post-flr knight told me, "Do whatever you feel you need to, to get me to do what you want." That is a pretty strong indication of submission, right? Does that give me the right to spank him or put him in the corner or otherwise punish him when he disappoints me?

After all the signs I've seen, and the number of times he has told me to do as I please with him, or told me that I could make him do just about anything.. do I still need his approval before trying something new? (hard limits not included here)

Does it show him that I love and care about him when I give him rules and limits? Did he feel loved and cared for with the pizza situation? Knight didn't act angry. He didn't seem to feel anything except upset with himself for disappointing me.  Is practicing flr  building him up,and helping him to become the man he wants to be, or am I unintentionally breaking him down and hurting him? He seems more confident and happier under flr. But.. we're talking about my knight here - he is damned good at hiding and ignoring his true feelings. So, how do I know for sure?  Would he "go along" with flr and quietly start resenting it, and me, just to keep the peace?

Or does his recent admission that he wants the flr dynamic give me the go ahead to deepen the dynamic? I have come to the conclusion that I enjoy flr. Sometimes I would like to see knight preform an action of his own accord, instead of because I told him to. For example, run my bath, light candles and put on romantic music.. it would be nice if he were romantic on is own, instead of because I've told him... but, I also know that doing romantic things on his own causes him to get caught in a loop of doubting himself. The starts thinking 'will she like roses or a live plant better? Should I take her out to dinner or plan a picnic at her favorite park...' And the thoughts go on and on, and he never does anything because he can't decide what to do. When I direct his efforts, things work out much better.

Does the recent admission that he wants and needs flr give me the permission to work on deepening his feelings of submission to me? Is it *right* to intentionally help someone to feel more dedicated and submissive to you?

I know that my readers will tell me that it's perfectly okay, and that knight wants me to help him deepen those feelings. A large part of me agrees. Knight says he wants this, and I need to trust him to speak his mind. He wants me to be happy, and will do whatever it takes to "make" me happy. (except I believe no one can "make" another person happy. Happiness comes from inside)

At the same time, I want him to be happy and content,and I never want to hurt him in anyway.

And yet.. when I drop the flr, I unintentionally hurt my knight. He feels rejected, and assumes I've dropped it because I'm angry or disappointed in him.

More indication that I should take steps to deepen the flr bond between us. .

What changes would I like to see? What do I think will deepen that bond?

1. A specific routine when he comes home from work that expresses his dedication and desire for flr. I've asked him to start doing that.
2. More sex play and experimentation. I want to find out where his line between pleasure and pain is.
3. I want to make him masturbate for me without allowing him to orgasm.
4. I want to fulfil some of his cuckholding fantasies.
5. I want him to tell me that he is completely dedicated to me, and me alone.
6. I want him to sit at my feet more often. I feel special when he sits in front of me. I like it when he kneels in front of me.
7. Most importantly, I want us to talk about his submissive feelings. I want to know what makes him submissive to me, and why he loves feeling that way. I want to understand what pushes his submissive buttons.

8. I want to cause him to lose himself more often. When I cock-tease knight for a long time he gets totally lost, and nothing else matters to him except what I'm doing to him at that moment. I want to see that happen more often.

Habits

Yesterday, I picked knight up from work and we headed to choir practice.  On the drive to choir practice he started singing to the radio - the song was of your typical "you are my entire world" variety. Knight almost NEVER sings to the radio. He made it clear that he was singing to me,and that the words were directed to me. With a squeeze of my hand and a very pointed look, I understood this was his way of meeting the requirement that he show dedication to me as his wife, and the head of our flr.  The kids were in the van with us, so something more obvious and direct was not appropriate. I acknowledged is intent, and that was the end of it.

When I called bedtime, knight very directly asked if there was anything else he could do for me before we went to bed.  I told him no, I needed nothing else from him, we could go to bed.

Those two things show me that knight understood the change in rules, and was attempting to comply. It's going to take him more time to comfortable using words like "obey" and "submit/submissive," and to be outright and open expressing his dedication. As long as I see progress, I'm satisfied.


This morning, we both forgot that knight was supposed to get up early and make breakfast and coffee. We stayed in bed and cuddled while we woke up slowly. I had two orgasms, and then played with his cock long enough that we were late leaving to get knight to work.

We were halfway to his office when I realized we had both forgotten about the change in our morning routine. I asked knight if he had remembered, and it was obvious he forgot too.  I told him I will add an extra day on the end of the required week.

I've been thinking about this all morning. Knight and I tend to be creatures of routine. Creating new routines and forming new habits is difficult for both of us. It's easier for me than for him, but that's not saying much.

I think our tendency toward clinging to our routines is a big part of our problem. We have fallen into a flr routine that is difficult to break. It's up to me to break the routine and bring about more openness and discussion about flr matters to our day. It's become habit not to talk about it because knight was uncomfortable admitting he wanted this. Now that he has admitted to me out loud that he wants flr, and needs flr, it's my job to change our daily habits to include more open discussion, and more flr focused sex play. (because I want to see where that leads - but that's another topic).

I'm going to have to be diligent in order to change these habits for both of us. Knight will follow my lead, I'm sure of that, but I need to be consistent because if I drop it or forget, knight won't remind me. He told me the other day that he assumes I forget nothing. So if I don't initiate leadership, he assumes he's upset me and I don't want to lead. Which has been another part of our problem. I get busy or stressed, and I fall back into old habits and forget to lead.. instead of reminding me that I have a role to fill, knight tells himself I'm mad at him, and starts "punishing" himself by screwing things up and making me mad at him. Because in his head If I drop the flr, it's his fault.

Bottom line.. if I want new habits to be built, it's my responsibility to build them for both of us.

Knight's Punishment

After a good bit of thought, I've come to the conclusion that knight did not set out to disobey me. I believe he went down to the company party with every intention of only eating one slice of pizza. Then, when an older female co-worker started pressuring him to eat more, he gave in to her for whatever reason. I find myself wondering if he would have given in if it had been one of the guys pushing more food on him. Somehow, I don't think so. My knight tends to have "white knight syndrome" which often includes doing what the women around him ask. When we are out together, he always asks me before carrying things, moving things, opening doors etc for other women. I know that when I am not around he does these things whenever the opportunity presents itself. (and I'm okay with that)  If I had been there, knight would have refused the second piece of pizza. I'm sure of that.



So.. where that does leave me?

1. We need to work on knight's self control.
2. I need to get knight to understand that my directives overrule any and every other female on the planet, whether I'm there or not. 
3.  We need to do things that will strengthen the flr dynamic between us.

I believe that punishment should always be designed to make a point, or teach something. What do I want knight to learn from this?

I want him to learn that he must obey my directives regardless of who is pressuring him to do what. There are times when he may need to disobey me when I'm not around - emergency type situations come to mind - that's not what I'm talking about here.. I'm talking about every day stuff, like not eating something he shouldn't simply because some woman shoves it in his face. (unless, of course, I've given him permission to play with one of my friends, but that's a different post.) I want him to learn self control even when he's being pressured, and I want him to learn to tell other people NO, when necessary.

Here is what I've come up with for knight's punishment:

• He will get up early every morning for the next week and make coffee (for me)  and breakfast for both of us. Both are to be ready by 630 am. This works on the self control and the dedication and service to me. Knight prefers to get up at the last possible minute because that is our snuggle time. 
• He will write a couple paragraphs about how he could have handled the pizza situation better. It will be written in 1st person, as several short stories. He will illustrate three ways he could have handled this instead of eating the pizza.  This will give him ideas on how he can better handle this type of situation next time.This is due to me by 10pm Saturday, 11/22

This situation has also prompted me to make some minor changes to our flr. From here on, knight is expected to:

• Do something several times a day - minimally when he gets home from work (or when I pick him up from work), and before we go to bed each night - that underscores his dedication to our flr, and his desire to serve me.  I will leave the details of these actions up to him. But it needs to be clear and obvious to me that it is a sign of the flr. Some examples include: sitting on the floor, by my feet during book time, kissing my hand as he gets into the car, kneeling in front of me and professing his desire for flr, whispering in my ear that he is dedicated to our flr, and to me. I am open to anything he might come up with, and it does not have to be the same thing each day, and it need not be serious-he can be goofy and ham it up, as long as it's obvious to me what he is doing. 
• From this point onward, I expect knight to verbally acknowledge that whether or not he orgasms is up to me. We've practiced orgasm control for a long time now, but we don't talk about it much. I expect him to say thank you for teasing sessions,  and sex play, regardless of whether or not I allow him to orgasm. This is something that knight did in the beginning of our relationship. I think I've mentioned that I didn't understand it, and eventually asked him to stop. I think thanking me for teasing, letting him give me an orgasm, or having one himself is a good way to remind him that I call the shots. Plus, I think we need to talk about things a little more, and this is a good way to open those conversations. 

If a similar situation happens again, his punishment will be fairly drastic. But I believe what he really needs is for the dynamic to be more obvious and visible between us. 

The Not So Perfect Evening

Remember yesterday that I said knight would get his only orgasm in almost a month last night  "unless he somehow manages to royally screw up today" ?

Yep. He screwed it up. As far as I'm concerned he fucked up big. Now, before I go into this, understand that it's the principle of it that I'm upset about. The blatant disregard for my request, and his complete and total lack of self control.The issue itself is minor.

Yesterday was a big day at knight's office.They finished and released a huge project that has been 2 years in the making. The whole office celebrated with an afternoon lunch party. The company sprung for pizza and salad for all the employees as way of celebration. Knight emailed me to let me know about the pizza. I told him, "Go ahead, since it's a part, but don't eat more than one piece of pizza" Background here is that knight has unstable blood sugar and reacts to specific food chemicals. Grains make his blood sugar spike to high end diabetic levels, and cause mood swings. MSG and tomatoes make him brain fogged, itchy, moody, depressed,  and bring out the worst of his OCD. Like every other health issue in this house, we manage this stuff via diet, herbs and other natural methods. (My degrees are in Natural Health and Naturopathy).   Now.. notice I told knight he could have ONE piece of pizza, and no more. That was a concession to the situation.. I didn't think he should have any grains at all because we went out to dinner this past Saturday and he ate burritos (flour) at the restaurant. This stuff builds up in his system and the affects accumulate. He needs a full week between eating things that cause reactions in order to minimize the impact.

Anyway... not 15 minutes after I picked knight up from work I knew, from the way he was acting and talking, that he ate more than one piece of pizza. He was talking unusually fast, repeating himself three and four times, and just couldn't seem to keep on track of his conversation. He'd start the sentence with one point, and end somewhere completely different. I cut him off mid-sentence and asked him if he had more than one piece of pizza.

He looked at me, kind of stunned. "Only two."

"I thought I told you to limit yourself to one."

He sighed. " That's why I didn't have the third slice that F kept trying to push on me"

"But, you're not married to F. You're married to me, and I said to limit yourself to one. I didn't think you should have any because of the Mexican food on Saturday. One piece was my compromise. You know you react to that stuff." I was visibly irritated.

"But F wouldn't leave me alone, she kept insisting."

"So, you gave in to a 60 year old woman, and now you have to deal with me. You're hyper, and spacey.. and you're babbling uncontrollably. Half of what you were saying made almost no sense. You are reacting to the flour, MSG and whatever else was in there."

"No, I'm not. And besides they ordered Hawaiian. I've never seen anybody order Hawaiian except us."

"That is no excuse. Stop trying to rationalize it. I said no more than one piece, and you blew me off,."

"This is exactly the crap you pull that causes me to doubt and drop the dynamic."  I couldn't say too much more because the kids were in the back of the van. 

The ride home was fairly silent between. I was thinking about how best to handle this.  Knight was obviously upset with himself.

Once we were home I told knight that I was cancelling our plans for the evening because of the pizza incident. The kids were around, so I didn't say to much else.

After the kids went to bed, knight and I sat by the fire and talked. I told him that it was garbage like this - intentionally and knowingly ignoring my requests that get us into trouble with the flr. He tried to say that he never intentionally ignores me. I called his bullshit and pointed out that he knew I said one piece of pizza, and he didn't do as I asked. Knight didn't say much after that. I told him that he agreed to the flr.. asked for it, in fact, and that I expect him to follow the rules. I told him that I have no desire to play the "make me listen game." I expect him to be an adult and follow the rules.

I asked him, "Do you want the flr?"

"Yes."

"Then, you are expected to follow my requests without playing the "let's see what she'll do IF" game. Every time.. all the time.. you are expected to do as I ask. That IS what you asked for, right?"

"Yes."

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

He sighed. " Just that I screwed up . I'm sorry."

I repeated that this is the kind of thing that causes me to drop the flr out of frustration, and if he wanted to keep the dynamic, he would NEVER pull this shit again.

Then I said that I promised him I would deal with everything under the flr dynamic, and that included this.  So, he would be punished. I told him that
 I didn't have anything off the top of my head. "I never expected you to blatantly ignore my requests.. I'm disappointed in you. I need a few hours to come up with an appropriate punishment. I will let you know what it will be by bedtime tomorrow."  I also told him that his orgasm has been postponed until punishment is given out and fulfilled.

Knight didn't say anything. I dropped it, and we curled up on the couch to watch this week's recorded Walking Dead.

When we went to bed, I asked knight if he understood what he had done, and why I was angry and disappointed. He said he thought so.

So... now  I have to come up with a punishment. 

Knight gets to Come Tonight...

...unless he somehow manages to royally screw up today....


His last orgasm was October 26.

Knight has had several really good weeks. He's been doing his best to be open with me about his thoughts and feelings regarding flr topics, and he's been trying very hard to follow the rules, and complete his daily task list.

There was a point on Sunday morning where he was totally and completely confused about what I wanted from him. I don't understand where his confusion came from. I thought I was very clear - I told him to make breakfast for him and I, and wash the breakfast dishes before we went hiking. But, then I put my legs cross his lap while we were sitting on the couch eating. I didn't move my legs, so he didn't get up to wash breakfast dishes. I was waiting for him to say he was ready to do dishes, and he was waiting for me to move my legs so he could wash dishes. The end result was that dishes didn't get done until I finally said something, but they DID get done. I handed down a mild punishment for not asking me to move so he could get up to do dishes. Knight took the punishment, even though he didn't agree, and that was the end of it.  Knowing him the way I do, I should have expected him to simply not ask me to move. His comment was that, he assumed he was exactly where I wanted him, doing what I wanted him to do, because I was comfortable. At the same time, I want him to learn to take a bit more initiative and  not need step-by-step instructions. "Make our breakfast, and wash our breakfast dishes" seems pretty clear to me.

Either way, he handled it well, and has been doing well other wise. So, I'm going to let him come tonight. I sent him an email telling him that he was being rewarded for good behavior tonight and that reward included "a bit of playtime, possibly a camera, and permission to"not stop".  I have to be cryptic because his computer at work faces the room instead of a wall. It might effect his reputation at work if one of the other tech geeks (all guys) happened to catch the word "orgasm" as they walk by knight's computer.

That kind of stinks, too.. I used to send him sexy stories, pictures, and videos written and/or taken just for him while he was at work. It was fun to send him a nude pic, or story about what I would do to him when he got home. It made for a fun way to tease him throughout the week. But, he was in a cubical, with his computer facing a wall.. and no chance of anyone else seeing it. Those days are over. It's not as fun to send those things for him to open when he gets home..

Anyway... I plan on starting to tease him before he gets home. Through the course of our evening, I will call him into our bedroom to tease him several times before the kids go to bed. After the kids go to bed, I'll spend a good hour or two teasing and playing with him before I finally let him come. Of course, the two hour tease is nothing unusual around here.  I have a lot of fun watching him squirm for long periods of time. Most of the time he doesn't get to come at the end of it, though.