Friday, November 21, 2014

Baby Steps.....

I'm mildly irritated this morning.

Yesterday, I sent knight the following email:
Do you resent the punishment over the pizza the other day? Are you upset that I dared tell you to limit it to one piece? Did I go to far? Or are you okay with it because you know I was looking out for your health and well being?
Yes, I'm serious. I'm always afraid of taking things too far and causing you to resent the dynamic, or to resent me.

He answered with:
Yes...mildly...*sigh*

I took it as "don't eat too much pizza"...in the past I've been known to eat six or seven slices without batting an eyelash.  I didn't eat too much...I kept it to a minimum, lot less than I used to.

No, I would never resent *you*...but I'm not always perfectly in tune with this, you know that.

I love you.

I responded with:
Yes....what? I asked four questions yOu answered one.  That leaves a lot for interpretation.
Plus yOu are saYing that you interpreted "Don't have more than one" as not to much.....but that was not what i sAid...you assumed i didn't mean what i said. Would it have been different off you had taken me at my word instead of reading into Ii?
Sent from pHone.ignore typos

So.. after the kids went to bed last night. I tried to talk to knight. I started by mentioning that he didn't have time to answer my last email, and ask him what he thought.

"Um.. I don't know, babe."

I tried for a good 15 minutes to get him to talk to me about how he felt about it. He kept coming back to "I thought you meant not to eat too much, and I didn't. They were small pieces. " I called bullshit on the slice size, because it was chain made pizza. The slice sizes are standard.  "I didn't even eat the ends."  Again, not relevant.  I pointed out that I said exactly what I meant, and that he was wrong to assume I meant something different. He said that he didn't set out to break any rules, or intentionally break anything. I told him I knew that, but he still did break the rules. 

I tried to address the question of did he resent it, and did I go to far, and he never answered those questions. He didn't get angry, actually, he seemed upset over the whole thing. So, I still don't know if I went to far.. or if he resented the whole thing.  He did tell me he was over it, but that still does not answer my questions.  I truly hate it when he refused to answer a direct question with a direct answer.

Keep in mind that on Saturday after we went out for dinner, he had serious high blood sugar symptoms.... dizzy, his speech was off, he seemed spacey -  he  kept "blanking out" as he put it. I almost took him to the ER. Instead, I took his blood sugar and it was super high.. not diabetic coma high, but incredibly high for a person who does not have diabetes. I gave him 2 cinnamon capsules, and some chromium, and his blood sugar came down nicely. THAT is why I'm being strict about this.


 Before we went to bed last night, I reminded Knight that he needed to get up early and make breakfast and coffee, and have it ready by 630am.  He needs to leave for work before 715a, to make it to the office on time.  I told him he should set the alarm earlier so he can get up in time to have breakfast ready by 630.

 "Nah.. I got it, I'll just get up when the alarm goes off." 

Uh.. hu. The alarm is set for 615.

So.. this morning, the alarm went off. Knight turned it off, came back to bed, and cuddled in close to me. I reminded him that he had to make breakfast.
"Yeah, I know.. 10 minutes."

He finally got out of bed at 630am. He went straight out to the kitchen and made my breakfast and started coffee. Remember, though the directive was to make breakfast for BOTH of us, not just me. I got up and settled on the couch with my morning brain dump writing. I wanted When my breakfast was cooked, knight brought it to me and went off for his shower. He never did make breakfast for himself, nor did he finish making my coffee- it was still steeping when he went in for his shower. (I use a French Press for coffee).
So, I pressed and poured my coffee, finishing the job knight was supposed to do.

One one hand, I'm pleased that knight made the attempt to start fulfilling his punishment. On the other hand, I'm irritated and disappointed that he didn't do it correctly. I firmly believe that if you're going to do a task, you should do it correctly and follow the guidelines for that task. When he does things half-assed like this, it causes me to question his dedication to flr. I feel like he is doing only the minimum amount needed to avoid making me angry, instead of giving me his best. And I have issue with that. I give him, and our kids my absolute best every single day. Some days, that is extremely difficult because of the MS. But,I push through the pain, muscle spasms, balance difficulties and I do what needs done anyway.  Is it too much to ask for knight to do HIS best for me?

Sure, he likes the morning cuddle time..He's a very touchy- feely guy, so I would even go as far as saying that the morning cuddle time is something he needs to feel loved. BUT.. *I* would rather get up at 5 and get a head start on my day. It would give me a bit of uninterrupted quiet time before the kids get up. I need that, it helps me think and prioritize my day. Plus, for a writer, quiet time is essential.    Part of the my reasoning for having knight get up and make breakfast for both of us was to start getting him in the habit of getting out of bed a few minutes earlier.

But, really the point here is that he was given a job... as a punishment.. with a time deadline. "Have breakfast ready for both of us by 630am." It's simple, straightforward, and direct. He knew exactly what was expected of him, and I reminded him both last night, and this morning. I feel like he blew me off. I don't like things done half-assed.



4 comments:

  1. I don't understand your knight. Ilove it when my Wife gives me explicit orders or tasks. I always try to do exactly as I am told. Only my Wifes seldom gives me those orders.

    I hope he understands how lucky he is.

    appy

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  2. Days like today make me wonder... earlier today I sent him an email about the pizza thing. Explained that I was concerned about his blood sugars because of this past weekend, and that was why the pizza thing was important to me. He answered with 'don't tell me you're doing it for my own good' (that's the shortened version.I paraphrased to avoid giving too much potentially identifying info. )

    so.. I explain my reasoning, and try to make sure he's okay.. and he snaps at me. Sometimes I wonder if he'd be happier if I showed less concern for his feelings and thoughts when it comes to flr issues.

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  3. Not sure quite what to make of this post. You seem to be doing all the heavy lifting, bearing all the stress and worry in the relationship and he halfheartedly supports, sometimes, when it's convenient. The "punishment" is a good example. The litmus test for anything I do for my spouse that she doesn't specifically ask for is, will it make her life easier or less stressful. If him getting up a little earlier than normal and making you breakfast makes your day much better, then he should be doing it EVERYDAY. And him doing it now is punishment?? I mean no disrespect, but I am unconvinced that Knight wants the FLR. I think he is giving you the answers that he thinks you want to hear in order to avoid a confrontation. Possibly the reality of an FLR doesn't match up with his fantasy of one, so he has backed himself in a corner with you and is unsure how to back out. I wish I had some sound advice to give, but I don't. Maybe figure out how to get Knight to come clean and tell the truth about what he really wants. Anyway, I really enjoy your blog and fondly hope your attempt at a FLR succeed. However, I doubt Knight's sincerity at wanting the same. I've said it before. Most of us submissive men could be so lucky to have a spouse put so much effort into cultivating a FLR as you do. Knight is a lucky man, and obviously doesn't realize it.

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    Replies
    1. Knight and I had another long talk this morning, and I found out the problem is. Or at least I think I did. I'm going to post about it later, after I've had time to digest our conversation. But, I'm more convinced than ever that he does want flr. Part of the issue is that knight needs more training.

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