Friday, November 21, 2014

Changes I Want to Make

I am guilty of not implementing changes to our routine, or to our flr, out of fear of pushing my knight farther than he is willing to go.

  • What if I tell him he must sit at my feet and tell me he is dedicated to my serving me and my happiness, and doing so makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable and caused him to doubt his submissive feelings? 
  • What if I buy a flogger or a paddle and us it on him, and he feels abused? A long time ago he told me he's open to anything except pain. But.. pain for him is different than pain for me. When I rake my nails down his back as hard as I can, it doesn't cause pain. It drives him crazy. I've even drawn blood on occasion, and apologized. He still loved it. I've learned that there is no such thing putting to much pressure on his body. I can lean all my weight into his back, and squeeze his cock as hard as I'm able, and he loves it. I've experimented with biting him in various places - not once has he said "ouch" or asked me to stop.In fact he often leans into it, silently asking for more.  But the idea of "what if" is still there"
  • What if I tie him up and tease him relentlessly, and he feels taken advantage of, forced or even compares it to rape in his head?
  • What if I tell him he can't eat something (like the pizza the other day), and he resents it?
  • What if I arrange for a third person to join us, and knight feels jealous or like he's all of a sudden not enough for me. Granted, we've had one person join us in the past. But he was an old boyfriend of mine, and a dear friend. 
  • What if I take action to fulfil one of knight's fantasies, or one of mine, and it drives a wedge between us somehow?
  • What if he starts to resent the dynamic and doesn't know how to tell me. 
These are the things I worry about while managing our flr.  I know that it probably seems silly to many of my readers for me to worry about these things. Knight has shown, in many different ways, that he wants me to control everything. Recently, he has told me he wants the flr, that he doesn't want to control our money, or our activities, or our schedule. He has said flat out that he does not want to be in charge. When I ask or tell knight to do something,he usually does it. When he doesn't it's usually a matter of forgetting, or not understanding.

But, does that give me the right to push things as far as I can? Was I wrong to tell knight to limit himself to one piece of pizza, like I would one of my kids? What makes it "right" or "wrong" is intention, I think. My intentions were to look out for knight's health and well being - not to demonstrate my control.  Knight once told me that I "could make (him) do anything (I) wanted" because I have that kind of power over him. He said that to me pre-flr, and I didn't understand the weight of the comment. I thought he was just being sweet.

Post-flr knight told me, "Do whatever you feel you need to, to get me to do what you want." That is a pretty strong indication of submission, right? Does that give me the right to spank him or put him in the corner or otherwise punish him when he disappoints me?

After all the signs I've seen, and the number of times he has told me to do as I please with him, or told me that I could make him do just about anything.. do I still need his approval before trying something new? (hard limits not included here)

Does it show him that I love and care about him when I give him rules and limits? Did he feel loved and cared for with the pizza situation? Knight didn't act angry. He didn't seem to feel anything except upset with himself for disappointing me.  Is practicing flr  building him up,and helping him to become the man he wants to be, or am I unintentionally breaking him down and hurting him? He seems more confident and happier under flr. But.. we're talking about my knight here - he is damned good at hiding and ignoring his true feelings. So, how do I know for sure?  Would he "go along" with flr and quietly start resenting it, and me, just to keep the peace?

Or does his recent admission that he wants the flr dynamic give me the go ahead to deepen the dynamic? I have come to the conclusion that I enjoy flr. Sometimes I would like to see knight preform an action of his own accord, instead of because I told him to. For example, run my bath, light candles and put on romantic music.. it would be nice if he were romantic on is own, instead of because I've told him... but, I also know that doing romantic things on his own causes him to get caught in a loop of doubting himself. The starts thinking 'will she like roses or a live plant better? Should I take her out to dinner or plan a picnic at her favorite park...' And the thoughts go on and on, and he never does anything because he can't decide what to do. When I direct his efforts, things work out much better.

Does the recent admission that he wants and needs flr give me the permission to work on deepening his feelings of submission to me? Is it *right* to intentionally help someone to feel more dedicated and submissive to you?

I know that my readers will tell me that it's perfectly okay, and that knight wants me to help him deepen those feelings. A large part of me agrees. Knight says he wants this, and I need to trust him to speak his mind. He wants me to be happy, and will do whatever it takes to "make" me happy. (except I believe no one can "make" another person happy. Happiness comes from inside)

At the same time, I want him to be happy and content,and I never want to hurt him in anyway.

And yet.. when I drop the flr, I unintentionally hurt my knight. He feels rejected, and assumes I've dropped it because I'm angry or disappointed in him.

More indication that I should take steps to deepen the flr bond between us. .

What changes would I like to see? What do I think will deepen that bond?

1. A specific routine when he comes home from work that expresses his dedication and desire for flr. I've asked him to start doing that.
2. More sex play and experimentation. I want to find out where his line between pleasure and pain is.
3. I want to make him masturbate for me without allowing him to orgasm.
4. I want to fulfil some of his cuckholding fantasies.
5. I want him to tell me that he is completely dedicated to me, and me alone.
6. I want him to sit at my feet more often. I feel special when he sits in front of me. I like it when he kneels in front of me.
7. Most importantly, I want us to talk about his submissive feelings. I want to know what makes him submissive to me, and why he loves feeling that way. I want to understand what pushes his submissive buttons.

8. I want to cause him to lose himself more often. When I cock-tease knight for a long time he gets totally lost, and nothing else matters to him except what I'm doing to him at that moment. I want to see that happen more often.


2 comments:

  1. If a therapist is rehabilitating a patient coming off of knees surgery and adds four new exercises to their rehab, tells his patient to stop using his brace, get off his crutches and begin climbing stairs all with in a single day and the patient comes in 48 hours with a stiff and swollen knee which of the changes caused the problem? Of course, the answer to that would remain an unknown because too many variables were changed at once.

    Introducing change needs to take place slowly. If you add one of your desirables to his life this month and then another next month and so on, you can better monitor his attitude and perception of the changes you've made than if you add 14 new requirements all at once. Pick the easiest and see what happens.

    May be the easiest would be to have him do something on his own that he'd think would like a couple of times each week. When you mentioned the dilemmas he sometimes finds himself in such as… should he put together a picnic get away for the two of you or take you out to eat… my thought was-do both and see how yourespond. After all, it's only a meal. It's only an hour or two. It's not the end of the world.

    Angelique, I don't think your knight knows how lucky he is to have a wife like you that is so interested in this lifestyle. I think 98% of women in femdom lifestyles are way more aloof and passive then you are. I envy him in many ways because of that.

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  2. I wasn't talking about adding or changing all those things at once. I was basically making a list of ways I'd like to see us grow in the next 6 months or so.

    As for the picnic vs restaurant thing, you're right. It's "just a meal" except to knight it's not. I have watched him give up on helping with dinner clean up because he didn't know if I wanted him to clear the table or put away leftovers first. Once I asked knight to move my filing cabinet from my house office to my garage office. 6 weeks later it wasn't done. When I asked knight why it wasn't done he told me that he didn't know exactly where I wanted the file cabinet in the garage. I didn't care where he put the darned thing. I just wanted it in the garage. I could put it in it's final location myself.

    Sometimes I don't think he feels he's lucky. It seems like he goes through the motions to keep the peace. He says he wants flr, he's asked me to never drop it again. and then when I follow through on something he gives me crap and I end up feeling confused and like I've done something wrong. I don't get it.

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