Friday night, I went to bed upset and irritated with my knight. We had been talking about the pizza incident off and on all day, and it seemed that every time he opened his mouth he made things worse. What I trying to understand was if I had gone too far with telling him he could only have one piece of pizza. I wasn't satisfied with the answers he was giving me because he wasn't answering the questions.
All I was really getting from him was "yes, I was upset about the pizza incident, but I'm over it." But he refused to tell me what, exactly had upset him. Was it the misunderstanding when he assumed I meant don't have to much instead of "Don't have more than one piece" , like I said; or was he upset that I took things a step further than I usually do and dared to tell him what, and how much, he could eat. (although, in reality, I tell him what he can eat all the time. I do the cooking, and I make the grocery shopping lists, he makes his daily lunch from items at home, AND he emails me for permission before he goes out to lunch with co-workers) He avoided answering the deep questions that I really wanted answers to.
I believe that when there are hard feelings between us those feelings should be dealt with openly and swiftly. I don't believe in letting things go unattended. That leads to anger and resentment, so I very much wanted to understand what it was that knight was upset about.
It seemed that we were talking past each other, which rarely happens to us via email. He said a few things that came across as snapping at me, other times he was talking in circles, and not responding to the most important parts of my emails. Because he didn't seem to be "listening", a lot of what he said came across as hurtful. Friday evening when knight came home from an activity with the kids we settled in with a movie and tried again. That didn't go any better. There was a lot of silence coming from knight and what he did say made little sense to me. And, really I don't think he understood what I was trying to say, either. At some point Friday, I asked knight if he still wanted to continue the
flr, or if he wanted to give it up and go back to 50/50. His answer?
"Is that what you want?" By midnight, we went to bed both frustrated, hurt and confused as to why this blew up on us. After he thought I was asleep, I heard knight whisper very quietly, "Your feelings are more important to than mine." I was thinking about how to respond to that when I fell asleep.
Saturday morning I woke up before he did. I stayed in bed and thought about what had happened over the last few days. Why were we bickering over this? I had given him an instruction, and he had not followed it. It really was that simple. His feelings had been hurt by something, but I still was unsure what that was. I can't fix it, if I don't know what I did to upset him. At the same time, he had said some very hurtful things the day before. I thought about his whispered words the night before, and all the times he'd made similar comments. I also know that his words and his actions weren't agreeing. I stayed there, with him snuggled behind me, for probably 45 minutes thinking about all of this.
Finally, it dawned on me that maybe.. just maybe this wasn't my problem. Could it be that knight didn't really mind my pizza directive, but that he THOUGHT he should mind, and was acting on that? Could it be that he really did understand why I had made the request, and why I had punished him for not following it, but that years of trying to fit in to a male dominated world made it difficult for him to accept that I had punished him for something as simple as a piece of pizza? Was all this a matter of him still having a hard time accepting that his is just happier as a submissive? It started making sense in my head.
I started moving around a little to wake knight up. He's a light sleeper - or maybe he's just super tuned into me - If I roll over, he rolls over with me. If I get up for something and don't whisper where I'm going, he will wake up to look for me. That being the case, I can wake him up by simply moving away from him, and that's what I did. I flipped him over on his back and laid across his chest with his legs trapped between mine. He settled in, and I heard him sigh. When I was sure he was awake I asked him what the hell happened the day before. I told him what I'd been thinking and told him I was not willing to give up the flr. Not now, probably not ever.
He pulled me closer to him (as if that was possible at that point), and kissed the top of my head. "I really didn't meant to snap at you in that first email. Think about it a minute babe. I don't snap at you. I can count on one hand the number of times I've snapped at you in 10 years."
He was right, and I told him so. Then I asked him, again, if he had been upset that I had dared to tell him what he could eat.
"At first, yeah, But, I really am over it now. You were right, and I screwed up. I should have listened." Then, he added, "Babe, I don't answer the flr questions because I have no freaking clue what you want me to say. I don't know how to answer because I don't know what you want to hear. You know I don't know what to do when I don't know what you want from
me. It's the same thing. I'm not ignoring you, baby. I really don't know
what you want me to say. If I tell you I want to continue the flr, and
you're fed up with it, then I'm making you do something you don't want
to. And I never want to do that."
So, I told him, "Baby, it's okay that you are this way. Flr isn't going to drive us apart. I'm not going to get tired of it. I know that you're uncomfortable admitting that this works for you, but it's okay with me. And, really, nobody else's opinion matters. I love you, just the way you are. Including the flr part.I know you struggle with this, but it really is okay."
At this point, my knight was almost in tears.
"Baby, if I could make ONE change about you, it would be that you were able to make yourself more clear about what you were asking for all those years ago. I would not change the flr part of you. It's sweet, and I love you for it."
We talked for a little longer. I reassured him that I flr is not a burden or a problem for me. Sometimes it's hard for me, but I really don't mind. I told him that I want him to relax and let his desire for flr stuff to come through, that he doesn't have to pretend, and that I know he needs the flr emotionally, and that's it's okay. Then I told him, "I will take the flr stuff where ever it needs to go for you to get what you need. I will follow the flr where ever it leads us, but I need you to be honest with me about what you want. I can't do this if you hide things."
He agreed to try to be more forthcoming with information.
Then, I asked him, "Would it help if we backed up a bit and went back over what I expect from you in every situation?" Honestly, after 10 years, I expected him to tell me no. But, I was wrong.
He nodded. "It would help a lot. I never feel like I know what you want from me."
Shortly after this we got up. While he was cooking our breakfast I reminded knight about the writing assignment he had due by 10 pm. He said, "Yeah, one more thing I have no freaking idea how to answer."
"Wait,baby.. I have you write out the flr stuff so you have a chance to think about it without me standing over your shoulder. It's supposed to give you space to say what you need to without having to do it to my face. It's intended to help."
My knight sighed. "Well, it makes it harder because I don't know what you're looking for or what you want."
I told him to forget the writing, then. We'd talk about it in person that evening. We did, and it went well.
So.. I have some training matters to attend to with knight. I didn't try to use the word submissive during the conversation at all because in the past he's been uncomfortable with the word. I didn't want to stall the conversation because of semantics. I'm still not entirely sure what I need to train my knight on, exactly. So, I'm going to pretend we are starting from absolute scratch and re-teach him everything. He'll tell me if I'm trying to teach him something he already has a handle on.
Oh..and the rest of the weekend was absolutely wonderful. Knight was the perfect sub all day Saturday and Sunday, and he was very open with is desire to, and happiness in being submissive to me. In fact, he even sat on the floor in front of my feet every chance he got.