He's Slipping Again.

I am so tired of the back and forth. Knight had been slipping on basic rules again. I've been sick all week. (not sick actually, but a healing crisis brought on by the CBD oil I'm taking for the ms). I've been dizzy, light headed, and very fatigued. I'm having trouble with my asthma, too. These things mean that I am just not feeling up to putting up with, or dealing with his bullshit. I need him to simply do what he is supposed to.

He hasn't been bringing me his list each evening, and small things on his daily list have gone undone. He's totally blown off the rule that he is to be undressed in our bedroom. He's stopped getting my evening med when the alarm goes off unless I specifically ask him to do it. I told him long ago, that I shouldn't have to ask for it. When the alarm goes off, I want him to go get my med for me, and bring me a cup of tea with it. I've had to either ask or do it myself every day for the past 2 weeks.

He has gotten better about not assuming we'll be watching a movie when we go into the bedroom each night. He's remembered to make the bed almost every morning, and he's gotten in the habit of turning on the space heater for me in the morning. Knight also did laundry the other evening when I told him I didn't get to it because I wasn't feeling well. But, when you get down to it, he wanted a specific shirt for work, so I'm not sure that counts as doing it for me.

We had our 3 month Flr review a night or two ago. Knight said he knew he's been screwing up, and apologized for it. He says he'll try to do better in the next 3 months. I told him that he's been assuming things, and putting distance between us because he won't talk to me. I told him what I wanted to see change over the next 3 months, but I wasn't very complete or thorough about it because I felt horrible.

This morning, he disappointed me. We were lying in bed after his alarm went off and I started playing with his cock a little bit. I have been feeling pretty rotten this week, so there  has been no sex play at all. He didn't warn me that he was close to coming. He didn't seem very close to to me, but he was.... and so he came this morning without my permission.  He knew I was unhappy with him.

His chastity device isn't here yet. When it gets here he'll be wearing it.

I'm still not feeling so great, but the healing crisis is starting to fade.  Ms sucks sometimes.. but, I shouldn't complain. A healing crisis is a good thing.

His Chastity Device Has Been Ordered

I ordered knight's chastity device yesterday. I went with the Jailhouse for a couple of reasons. First, I  absolutely hate the look of plastic types, like the CB 6000. It may be more comfortable and easier to wear for a first device, but I just don't like it. I want to get him a Jailbird, but I have no intention of spending over $300 on a device to experiment and play with.  I still don't like the idea of putting him in a chastity device. He has followed my rule about no masturbating faithfully for 10 years. He would no more masturbate without permission than he would cheat on me. Neither are even within the realm of possibility.

So, why am I locking him up then? Entirely for the effect it will have on his mind. It's a constant reminder that I am in charge, that I control his orgasms and that I control him. I will admit that I am kind of hoping I see no change in his behavior after using the chastity device for 3 months because I'm just not thrilled about this. I feel like making him wear a chastity device takes away the trust aspect. To me, it's a very special thing knowing that he doesn't masturbate simply and only because I say so. I'm not forcing it on him, he chooses to comply out of respect for me. Once I put the device on him, I'm forcing him to comply. It is very much not the same.

But, it's obvious that my knight needs to feel my control more deeply. He wants more strict flr from me, and things are not going work the way I want them to until I make him feel that increased control. So, I'm going to give this a try and see what happens.

On a side note, my knight offered to stay home and clean the kitchen today while I take the kids to our usual Sunday afternoon family activity. I'm not sure what prompted that.. but I'll take it.

Chasity Devices

So, I'm shopping for chasity devices. I don't like the look of the plastic ones like the CB3000. I'm looking at the metal, Jailbird type. I don't want to spend a whole lot of money on his first device because at this point, this is only an experiment. So, I'm considering and off-brand, called Jailhouse. If he responds well to it, and if I can deal with having him locked up, then I'll upgrade to an actual Jailbird from Mature Metal. But, right now, for my current purposes, a $30 Jailhouse will serve well.

Does anyone have experiences they can share about the Jailhouse? Anything I should be aware of before I buy? My knight is larger than typical in both length and girth, so, I want to be sure the device I'm buying is big enough. I know that the Jailbird is customizable, but really, I'm not prepared to spend over $300 on an experiment.


 I'm still not thrilled with the idea of locking him. I love that he follows my no masturbation rule simply because I request it. There has never been a problem with him following that particular rule. (yes, I am absolutely confident). But, since he didn't object to the idea, I'm going to give this a try. Besides, having him wear a chastity device will push the issue of communication. We will have to talk about it several times a day so I can check on how he's doing with it. It will force him to communicate a bit more. Anything that gets him talking to me is a good thing. 

I will give it 3 months of regular use. If after 3 months, I hate the thing, it goes away. I'll start slowly. The day it comes in the mail, I'll have him put it on when he gets home from work, and wear it until we go to bed. I'll do that until that weekend, and then increase his time wearing it over the weekend, so that in a few days he can wear it to work.

I have one question.. we participate in LARPing.. fighting with foam swords. Should I allow him to wear the device while fighting, or will it cause increased pain if he takes a shot to the groin while wearing the device. He has a cup, but never wears it for LARPing.

Okay.. I have another question. Will a jailhouse be visible under slacks if he doesn't typically doesn't wear underwear?

Yes, both of these questions can (and probably will) be answered via experience, but I want to have an idea what to expect, so I know if anything will need to change. Especially the LARPing concern. He seems to take a groin shot every single time we play, (why he doesn't wear his cup, I'll never understand), if the device will cause increased pain I want to know that ahead of time, so we can avoid it.

Disrespectful?

Hmm.. a few people have commented that they think knight's lack of response to my email was disrespectful. Maybe I'm giving him to much leeway here, but I don't think it was intended that way.

His behavior has changed slightly since I sent it, and I see that as a response in it's own right.  My knight is  very uncomfortable talking about sex, fantasies, and flr topics. When I bring those topics up in person he really struggles. When I bring them up in email he struggles just as much because he can't see me to judge my reaction  to his words. I've found the best approach is to state my thoughts in an email, and then bring the topic up again in bed a few days later.

In the couple days since I sent that email, my knight's behavior has undergone some slight changes. He is a tad more attentive. He's coming to me more frequently to be sure he's doing what I ask of him, and he seems to be thinking ahead a little bit more.  He's not assuming things, any more. For example he's no longer assuming we will watch a movie before bed. He's asking instead. He's not arguing or defending. The night after I sent the email, he got side tracked and forgot something on his list. I told him he would have to get up early and do it before he left for work. He started to say he didn't do it because it would have interrupted the kids' movie. I gave him "that look" and he stopped short. He completed the task without complaint the next morning.

Also, we have to consider the fact that my 19 yr old is home with her new boyfriend until Saturday. This is the same child who has had such a major issue with knight doing things for me in the past. She has told me that she thinks my leading and guiding knight is unfair at best, mildly abusive at worst. When she was living at home and I made a comment like, "I'll send him to the store on the way home from work to get that for you," or "I'll put it on his list", she would get angry and accuse me of being mean/unfair and taking advantage of him. I tried to explain that knight needs, and likes the guidance, heck knight even talked to her and explained that it helps him stay on track, and that doing things for us (meaning me and the kids) makes him feel needed.. but my dear daughter wouldn't listen. When I pointed out that we were no longer fighting because I was giving those detailed instructions, her answer was either "He's afraid of you" or "Yeah, because you don't let him think for himself"  It was the cause of many arguments between she and I. So knight knows that if he does anything overtly submissive in front of her, I will hear it from my daughter. Yes, I'm the mom, and it's my house. At the same time, I value my relationship with my adult children, and it's not worth the fight. 

Does that excuse knight for not answering my email? Of course not. I'm pretty sure he is waiting patiently for me to bring the topic up one evening while we are in bed.  But I don't think he's being intentionally disrespectful by not commenting on the email.

Somebody else thought that maybe knight was trying to bully me by simply "being a dick." Again, I disagree.  There have been many times that I thought he was being an ass. I've called him on each and every one, but he would never be an ass to me just for the sake of being an ass.  I'm not even sure he's capable of being an ass just for the sake of it.

No, I think he did respond to my email in his own way. Behaviors changed. He's simply waiting for me to bring the topic up in my own time.

His Reaction to Yesterday's Email

After I sent that email to my knight yesterday I headed out to run errands and head 2+hours north to pick up my daughter and her boyfriend from the airport. I checked email on the phone as often as I could, because I was curious how knight would respond. I made a special point to check my email while I sat in the parking lot waiting when we picked him up from work. He had plenty of time to read the email because I picked him up a full 2 hours after everyone else had left. I sent the email yesterday for just that reason. I knew it would be 6 or 7 pm before I got back from the airport, and I figured the time alone in the office would be the perfect time for him to think about, and respond (if he was going to)  to it.

At the least I was expecting "I don't know how I feel about this. Let me think about it." I thought he might defend, and explain, and discuss things  a little bit. At most I wondered if he would ask to call off the flr all together.  I had a response ready, in case he did just that.

All that in mind, I was surprised that, while I had several emails from knight waiting  for me, not one mentioned the flr related email. I read his emails while I waited for him to shut down and pack up his computer, and lock up the building. Not one mention, not even in passing, of the email I had sent him.

He walked across the parking lot and got pulled into a game of tag by the kids. Knight chased them around for  few minutes and then came over to give me a kiss. Nothing was said about the email on the way home. Of course we had an audience of 5 in the back seats, but still.. things can be veiled so that nobody understands what we're talking about. Once we were home, he had several opportunities to speak up. Still nothing. When we went to bed, finally completely alone, he still said nothing.

What was obvious to me, though, was that knight was a little more attentive to me, and to the kids, then he usually is. He went into my office and fixed my computer without a word to me. He helped with dinner clean up without being asked, and he checked in with me often.  Those things, tell me that he did read my email, and he just didn't have anything he wanted to say.

So, as I told him, silence means consent. Okay, then. I'm going to start shopping for his device. I have an idea which one I want him to wear. Or at least I know which one I don't like the look of. I'm still not thrilled with the idea of keeping him in chastity.  My reluctance has nothing to do with him, or his feelings on the matter. I like, no, I love the fact that he does not masturbate simply because I say so. Some of you will say, "if he's not locked, he's doing it, and you just don't know about it." While I'm sure it happens often, in this case, I am certain he's not. How can I be so sure? By the increased sensitivity, changes in length and girth that only happen when he's gone without for a long time.

But, at the same time, he didn't object to the idea, which leads me to believe that at least some of his bad behavior is an attempt to push me into giving him a more strict flr.

I've decided that I'm going to tie the use of the chastity device to increased communication. I want him to talk to me about his submissive thought and feelings. I want to know it all. Because I want to understand him as much as I can. So I will use the chastity device as a means to get that communication.

As for the spanking, I've decided that since he didn't object when given the chance, then HE does not see it as abusive. And, really abuse is in the eye of the receiver. If he tried to spank me as a punishment, I would be gone. Then again, if he wanted me to be submissive to him, I would not do it. It's part of the differences between us. I have given him the opportunity to tell me he is not willing to be spanked as punishment. He declined. That tells me that he doesn't see being spanked as punishment in the same way I do. Once again, I have to remind myself that just because I don't understand it, doesn't make it wrong for me to give it to him.

Do What I Tell You, and Do It Correctly the First Time.

I sent this to him just a few minutes ago with the following instructions: . "read it before I pick you up. If you are going to respond to it, do it before I pick you up. Any response you'd like to give must be given before 10 pm this evening. Anything after that will be considered invalid."
 
 ______

A note to my knight, from your very frustrated Queen. First of all.. I love you.


Is this really such a difficult concept? Is it really so freaking hard to do a job right the first time? Is it impossible to complete a simple job when you've been reminded every damned day for a week?

And.. when I call you on it, after I've given you more chances to rectify the situation than you deserve, more than I even feel is reasonable, instead of admitting that you screwed up, you stand there and make excuses. "But, I meant to do it", "But I forgot," "But I was working on the lights" (um.. NO, you had all freaking morning to fix my computer. All you needed to do was install the right software, it would have installed all by itself while you did something else),  "But, I thought..."  You thought what? I asked you to move the bookshelf. I called you into  my office and said "the bookshelf needs to go HERE"  It was clear, concise and to the point. AND  --help me rearrange my office-- was on your list. I called you into my office and was very clear about what that meant. Move the damned bookshelf.

NO. Just be quiet. Stop making excuses for your stubborn behavior, and do what I ask of you. You know me - I rarely ask you do do things I can do my self , and I have never taken advantage of you under the guise of flr,  so just shut up and DO what is requested.  Yes, I can fix my computer myself. I don't freaking want to. I asked YOU to do it -- a full week ago. I am STILL waiting.

Let me remind you of a few things:

1. You ASKED for flr.
2. You continue to tell me that you want flr.
3. You pretty much fall apart when the flr goes away
4. We argue a LOT when the flr goes away
5. I promised you that I would deal with every issue under our flr rules.
6. I give you every opportunity to fix a mistake before I get angry. You get more chances to fix it than you deserve.
7. I try very hard not to punish you, but you don't seem to be learning. Either that, or you have no respect for my feelings, or expectations. 
8. We are so much close.. the connection between us is so much stronger, when we are actively practicing flr.
9. You feel more secure about us and about yourself when our flr is strong.

I am getting frustrated, fed up and disheartened. I feel like I can't count on you (again), and I hate feeling that way. I want to be able to count on you. I want to be able to trust you, because without those two things, we have nothing. I feel like the flr aspect of our marriage is failing, and I don't want it to. I will NOT go back to the way things were before flr. I was miserable and unhappy. So were you. I do not want to end the flr.

What I DO want is for you to understand that when I ask you do something, it is not optional. I expect you to do it correctly the FIRST time and within the deadline that I've given you.

I shouldn't have to double check to see that it is done. You are an adult.

I shouldn't have to make sure you did it correctly. You are and adult.
And I shouldn't feel like I can't count on the man who is supposed to by my partner. You can count on me all the time.. there is never a time when I don't do what is needed. Even when I'm having an ms week. I still do what I need to, and I'm still there for you.

I am tired of feeling like the flr is all about you. Where do I fit in to this? Am I really nothing more to you than someone to plan your days and write task lists that you may.. or may not adhere to? Is my role in this nothing more to write lists, manage all the household tasks, and remember to cock tease you?  Is that all this is to you? We both know it means more to you than that.

Let me remind you again --- you asked for this. When it went away over the summer you became depressed, moody and difficult. You asked for it back. I agreed. So.. SHOW me that you appreciate it. SHOW me that it matters to you. Stop being so damned aloof about the flr stuff. I'm not going anywhere. I told you I would take the flr where ever IT led us.. that no matter where the D/s dynamic takes us, I won't bail on you. I meant it. So, start being involved in it. If it matters to you then SHOW IT! Don't know  how.. okay.. that is fair. Follow your instincts, do what is comfortable....or do what you thought about that isn't comfortable... Afraid of looking dumb.. dude.. not valid.. I take that chance with you often.. and when I do you usually just stand there looking confused. Besides, I won't try to make you feel dumb.

So.. here's the deal- you screwed up.

1. I asked you to move the music book shelf to my office over the weekend. I wanted it done BEFORE N and P flew in today. You didn't do it.
2. I asked you to fix my computer so I can boot up in Ubuntu. I hate Windows 8 so much that I'm considering taking the HP back and going back to my Dell. I want my Linux back! Last night, you admitted you had not done it, and then blew it off, making me feel like absolute crap in the process.
3.When I mentioned both of these things this morning you argued with me and made excuses. Then you got angry with me, like I had done something wrong or was being unreasonable. I was NOT. I am rarely unreasonable, and you know it. You showed a complete disrespect for me, my needs, and the flr. Bottom line in this was that I counted on you, and  you let me down... again. Yeah, I'm upset and hurt.
4.This morning, you tried to fix my computer, after I got upset with you. Okay, you get credit for trying.. BUT I told you very specifically NOT TO touch it , because you would be late for work. You can NOT try to make up something to me by making yourself late to work. You know how I feel about it. I should not have had to resort to telling you that if we didn't leave right now, you weren't going in at all. (because, remember, I need the car today so I can go to the airport and get N and P.
5. I told you what...? two weeks ago that you've been getting sloppy again, and asked you to remedy the situation. You have not. I will give you that things got a little better for a few days. But then, you went right back to being sloppy.
6. You have not been following your bedtime routine, either.
7. Shall we mention the headlight assembly? You ordered the wrong part. You spent over $300 on the wrong part. That indicates not enough research was done. You depended on somebody else's opinion, instead of calling the dealership and ASKING THEM for the part number you needed. We got lucky that the rep you had on the phone is accepting the return even thought it's against their policy. 


So.. what to do about it?
I will tell you that pretty much everybody who reads and comments on Qnk thinks I should start using corporal punishment on you. The general consensus is that you're either a. just being lazy because you know you can get away with it, b. pushing to see how serious I am about flr, c. trying to push me into using corporal punishment, c. taking advantage of my preference to talk about it instead of punish. I will also tell you that most of the guys who read Qnk, and a good number of the women, actually do get spanked or do spank when the guy screws up to the level you keep messing up at. For them, that's what the word punishment means. He screws up , she spanks him. He argues with her or fights the punishment, he gets it twice as hard and twice as long.

That's what they do. Now, I'm not completely comfortable with spanking you. I'll be honest, you've pissed me off so badly that I have thought about it. Several times. But, I eventually calmed down and backed away from that because it feels wrong to me. I do remember that I brought the topic up once, a couple years ago and you didn't answer me at the time. A week or so later you told me, "do whatever you think is necessary to get me to do what you need from me."  Was that consent for me to spank you? Hell, it might have been, I don't know.  You never talk about this stuff openly, and I wish you would.

Anyway..........what do I do about these last couple of screw ups? See.. I'm getting tired of having to double check you. And, I'm feeling very frustrated. I take time every day to think about, plan and write these lists for you, I took time to write your Morning and Bedtime Routines.. why? Because you want me to manage these things for you..  But, how do you think I feel when you consistently ignore them? Or when you pick and choose what you will do? Or when you argue with me, and get pissy when I point out that you messed up? I'll tell you how I feel - disrespected, like I don't matter to you, like my time doesn't matter to you, like you think I'm just here to manage your world. It's my understanding that flr means it's your job to make my world easier. Hell, you have defined your role in my life using those exact same words more than 20 times over the last 10 years. But.. ignoring my requests, and not meeting your responsibilities, not helping around the house does NOT make my world easier. It makes me feel like I'm doing everything alone..including the flr. 

So.. again.. what do I do about it?

Obviously there need to be some changes, and those changes probably have to come from me. Obviously I'm not strict enough with you. I let you get away with too much. I've been told several times that I shouldn't let you get away with ANYTHING. That every single screw up should lead to punishment because without absolute consistency you will continue to see what you can get away with.

Are they right?

It sure seems like it.

Do I really need to punish every time you mess up? The voices of experience tell me "yes."

So.. that will be the first change. No longer will I talk to you about it when you mess up, and then let it go. I will still talk to you about it, but at the conclusion of that discussion, you will be punished. If you make excuses for the mistake, I will increase the punishment. It's okay to disagree, it's okay to have a valid reason for not getting something done. "I forgot" is NOT a valid reason. No more 3rd and 4th chances.

How will I punish you? Not sure.. I will come up with something. I have a few ideas.

I won't resort to corporal punishment without your consent. Did you already give consent when you told me, "do whatever you feel you need to in order to get me to do what you need from me" ? Probably.. but that was a long time ago, and I'm not counting it as valid. 

But.. in contrast to other times, I am going to consider lack of a response as a YES. So, a NO will take action on your part. In other words, if you don't tell me NO, I will assume that consent is given, and I'll consider spanking you a valid and accepted punishment method.

I've also considered buying a chastity device and keeping you locked in it when you start messing up at home. I mentioned that to you a year or so ago, too and you never commented or responded to it.  Maybe I should consider it. Qnk readers think I shouldn't use it as punishment because you would just screw up to get locked up. It's possible, I guess. But, somehow I'm not so sure. Especially if I use it only as a punishment.  I dunno. At this point, I'm thinking it might be worth a try.  Do I have your consent? I think the "do what you think will work " comment from a while ago gives me consent to try it. But, I will give you the chance to revoke that implied consent. Again, if you don't actually say something, then I will assume consent.

What will the other changes be?

I expect you to show appreciation for the things I do for you. A simple thank you goes a long way. I don't have to write lists for you, I don't have to pay attention to your daily habits, and help you implement habits like taking your supplements every day. I don't have to spend my Saturday mornings in bed with you, and I don't have to spend time giving you those long teases you like so much. There are a LOT of things I don't have to do.. and I want to see that you appreciate them.

I need to concentrate more on what I want, rather than always being concerned how my actions effect you. I still tend to not do things that will inconvenience you, I don't ask you to go places I don't think you'll like. We almost always watch the movies YOU want to watch. Hell, I get tired of watching a movie each night..I'd rather do other things. I do all those things because I know YOU enjoy them. There are things I'd like to do, that I just don't mention because I'm not sure if you'll like it. But, when I suggest something I want.. you usually (not always.. but yes, usually) blow right past it.  I need to stop that.

You wanted flr. I have been trying to be a gentle leader.. trying to teach instead of get angry, trying to give you opportunities to change your behavior on your own, instead of punishing you. I have paid much more attention to your wants and needs than I have my own. I don't do things because of concern over how you will react. It has not been working. I love you, baby. I'm tired of feeling frustrated and let down so much of the time. I'm tired of being angry at you for not following through. And, I'm tired of doing the things you were supposed to.  We can't allow this pattern to continue. I am not willing to allow the pattern to continue... because I love you.

I'm not mad.. exactly. I'm frustrated, and feel... like you are not taking flr seriously. If we are running our marriage under flr, then, we need to RUN it under flr. Otherwise resentments and disappointments will set in on both sides. I want that closeness back.. I want us to be connected, We've had it before, and I want it back. I love you,
 

If I Want Things To Change.......

......then I have to change them myself.

Knight isn't going to do it, and he isn't going to tell me how he wants this to look, or what he wants from the flr. I've tried asking, I've tried having him write about it, I've tried everything I can think of to get him to tell me why flr works for him, and what he wants from it. It gets me nowhere.

So.. how do I move this along to something closer to what I want? Let me take a look at what I know.....

What do I want from our flr? I want to know that I can depend on my knight to do what I ask of him - regardless of anything else. I want our kids to know Daddy is there to help them. I want him to help with housework, and do small things to help me keep romance alive and help keep us connected. I want us to be more open with each other sexually. Knight is often uncomfortable talking about fantasies because he's afraid they are "too extreme." (his words)

What do I like about our flr? I like controlling his orgasms. I like that he's attentive and likes to cuddle. I like that he always puts me and the kids first. I like that usually he tries really hard. I like that he's willing to do whatever I ask of him. I like when he is super horny, and shows it

What don't I like about our flr? That he often doesn't follow through. I feel like he doesn't fully participate, because he won't/can't tell me what he wants from this. I don't like punishing him. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like that sometimes when I want to try something new flr related that I often feel silly or stupid. I don't like that I've stopped being playful and spontaneous (but that started pre-flr because of all our arguing). I don't like that he is afraid/unwilling/hesitant to be forward when he is super horny.I don't like that he says he's unsure of what I want from him.  I don't like when the flr part of things falls apart. That he's so damned reserved about everything - sometimes his lack of showing his feelings make me feel stupid and question myself.

What does he like about our flr? He likes having me in charge. He likes me controlling his orgasms. He likes me assigning daily tasks, and he likes me controlling the budget. He likes it that I find him writing and photography time, and that I help him find projects. He likes that I push him past his comfort zone in a lot of areas. He likes the tease sessions. He likes making me happy in every way he can. He likes doing things for me. He likes knowing exactly what I want from him. He likes being my sex toy, and he likes talking about sex.


What doesn't he like about our flr? He doesn't like it when I drop the flr for any reason. He doesn't like disappointing me. He doesn't like it when I'm upset with him.


What does he want? Good question. From his actions alone I think he wants more dominance,  and more sex play. He wants me to cuckold him occasionally. He wants me to bring a 3rd person into our bedroom occasionally (he doesn't care if that person is male or female). He wants more sex play. He wants me to "force" him to try things he's too afraid to try. He wants me to "make him" play out those fantasies that he's to afraid to share with me because he thinks they are "extreme." He wants me to be comfortable doing whatever the heck I want to him.

What are we working toward?  Long term?  happiness, contentedness, peace, ect.

Short term - what do I want to work on this year? Communication. Being more spontaneous and playful. Trust.

How do I get there?  Getting over my "feeling stupid thing" and talking to him about flr stuff. Teasing him about the orgasm denial, talking about.. we tend to do things (like orgasm denial) but don't talk about it, or play with it , so it becomes serious. Being more sexual and teasing outside of the bedroom. Stop censoring my thoughts because I  know he'll freeze if I do something to surprise him -- surprise him anyway, and ignore it when he freezes.

Why Do We "Do FLR?" To Avoid THIS

I had planned to write a post talking about some of the changes I'm trying to make in regards to our FLR, and the good things I see coming out of our flr dynamic, but I just read the mail and I'm pissed.

Somewhere around April of last year my knight started classes for his his Master's in emerging technology. He decided to go back to school for a Master's degree after being laid off from a big national company. He thought having the higher degree would make less likely to be laid off in the future.

"Go for it," I told him.

 He started classes in April, shortly after we moved. By June, he decided he wanted to quit. He hated the program, and didn't see the relevance to his job, his career goals, or his writing. Plus he really resented the time it took from the kids. On a side note.. I respect and adore that about him --anything that "steals time" from me or the kids just is not worth it to him. Knight was having to skip family activities and time with the kids, and he was really upset about that. He started talking about quitting school.

 I told him, "If you resent the time it takes that much, and you want to quit, then quit. The kids won't be kids forever. Do what feels right to you.."

Two days later, he emailed the college and formally withdrew from the Master's program.

Enter the student loan people. Before knight started the Master's program, his student loan payments were based on his income with deductions for the the kids and basic expenses. Payments were something we could manage without doing without. When knight started the Master's program, his loan payments went on hold. When he quit school we knew we'd have to start making payments again after 6 months. He's making less now than he was before we moved, so we expected payments to be about the same amount.

Back in October, we received several letters from the company who holds his student loan. The letters made no sense because they contradicted each other. One week, we got three letters. Each said something different to the one before it. I checked his on-line account and that said something completely different than any of the three letters.  I told knight to call them and get it straightened out.

He went to his on-line account instead, and reported back to me what I already knew, "The online account says X."

I patiently explained that I knew that already -- after all, I set up the on-line account -- but that the letters they sent said something different and it needs to be addressed.

He called them, or at least claims to have called them, and told me they said to "disregard the letters , because they were wrong."

Okay.. now, that made no sense to me. I asked knight to call them back and speak to a supervisor. He told me he didn't need to.

I asked again... and again.. and followed up a fourth, fifth and sixth time.  He caught hell for not doing as I asked, and I handed down a punishment.

Then.. in November, we got more letters saying that if we wanted to sign up for the income based payments, he needed to log in to the account and submit the paperwork. I put this on his list.

His answer, "I've already done it.. The letters are wrong."

I told him to sign in and check..  make sure because his payments without the income based plan would be over 900$ a  month. We can't do that.

Again, he insisted it was fine, the letters were wrong. "The woman on the phone told me the old application would still apply."

I pointed out that the letter said differently and that I wanted him to sign in and take care of it.

He never did. When I called him on it, he argued and said that I was wrong.. or the letters were wrong because the chick on the phone said differently.

Two days ago, we got a bill for PART of his student loan payment for January. It was almost $300.  The bill was very clear that this was only a portion of it and the rest of the bill would be sent within a week. Today, I got that bill. It's for over $700 So. between the two bills, they want almost $1000 by Jan 21. Yeah... not going to happen.

So.. I emailed knight at work and told him to deal with this mess that he created. They told him that he was supposed to submit the application for income based payments back in November.  They said he can submit them now, but it's likely to take a couple months to process. The person on the phone canceled all payments due until the paperwork processes, so we don't have to make the almost $1000 payment this month

BUT.. I am sitting here wondering why in the hell we're trying to operate under an flr, if he won't follow my directions. Granted.. we took an flr break for awhile and part of this mess was during that break... and granted, he has been doing better lately, but these kind of screw ups were exactly what I was trying to prevent when we started flr. Yes, I'm partially at fault here for enforcing the flr inconsistently, I know that. But the root problem there is that I don't believe I should have to enforce it all. I expect him to do as he is told because he agreed that he would. He agreed to flr, therefore he agreed to do what I tell him whether he agrees or not, with certain, very specific exceptions.  So.. if he's going to blow me off then why, exactly, am I putting the time, energy and effort into flr?

Would it have made a difference if I had punished him more harshly? Maybe.. I suppose. But, again, it comes down to .. I feel punishments should be completely unnecessary. He should do what he's told simply because he agreed to flr, and asked me to take and maintain control over his daily life.
I mean.. get real here.. nobody has to threaten or punish me in order for me to do what is expected of me. I'm an adult. I am responsible to my kids, and I do what's needed because I have a responsibility to them. Done. He has a responsibility to me..the responsibility to do what I tell him.  He has this responsibility because he ASKED for it.

Punishment should be unnecessary.

And yet.. there is this stupid student loan mess to deal with because he did not do as I told him. 

Will We Ever Get This?

It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks. Of course the holiday season always is, but I feel like I've been pulled in every direction possible lately. I've just had no time at all to sit down and write here. Of course, it doesn't help that I moved my computer to a standing desk, and the only place to put the standing desk was in the den where the kids could see my screen. I can't very well write about flr topics with in the view of the munchkins. This afternoon, I decided I'd been gone from Qnk long enough, and I moved my laptop back into my office so I can write in peace.

How's the flr been going since I last wrote?  Okay.. not great, but okay. Most of the things I'm not happy with are my own doing - following in to routine, not paying enough attention to flr matters. The typical issues for us. Knight became extremely lax with following rules again and I read him the riot act about two weeks ago. I told him that I won't be pushed into any kind of regular punishment, and that I expected him to do this MY way. My way is that he meets my expectations even when I'm not enforcing them. I expect him to meet my expectations for no other reason than they ARE my expectations. I told him that I really resent having to double check and make sure he did what he was supposed to like he were a child. We may be practicing an flr, but I expect him to act like an adult.
He admitted that he'd been slacking off because I wasn't paying attention.

 I'm trying to come up with things we can add to our daily routines that will underscore the flr dynamic and bring it to the forefront for both of us. So far, everything I've tried feels forced and silly. Once or twice I tried something that I found interesting and cool, only to have the whole thing fall flat when he didn't respond at all.. just stood there looking confused. I hate feeling stupid.... so that went nowhere. 

No big failures.. just lots of little ones that are adding up. I've talked to knight about it, and he still maintains he wants to keep the flr, but has no idea where he wants it to go. I asked him what his goals were for our marriage.. where he sees us in 5 years. He had lots of ideas.. but they were all "stuff oriented" .. adding on to the house, building a new shed, going on a trip.. things like that. When I asked him about flr goals he had nothing.

So often, I feel like I'm doing this by myself... he says he wants the flr, but does very little to help me make that dynamic work. I need to know.. to see what about this dynamic makes him happy.. I need  to know what he wants from this, and I need him play along when I try to explore and play with being dominant. Most of the time it seems that he only responds when I get angry or lose patience with him.