Long conversation with myself

To continue my thoughts from yesterday.. Maybe.. just maybe I can help solve our problem by helping my Knight to reform the images in his head of what it is to be submissive. We all know that, in  general, the media paints a pretty lousy image of submissive guys.

But.. If I can help my Knight to rebuild his own images and ideas of what it means to be submissive, then maybe I can help him come to terms with his own tendencies.  So - how do I go about that?

My thoughts are pretty simple.. I do know that in the past, reminding my Knight that when you get right down to it, nobody's opinion of him really matters... except mine and his. Most of the time, when  he's having an issue with something, reminding my Knight  that it's MY opinion that impacts his life, and then telling him exactly what my opinion is helps him a lot especially when my opinion is the same as, or more favorable than, his.  Somehow, I need to use  that influence to help him accept this part of himself.  Knowing that I accept it should help. I spent a good couple years trying to shoehorn him into "typical 50/50" because I didn't understand what he needed and because of my own images of a "fair relationship" brought on by my upbringing, past relationships, and media influence.  It took me awhile, but I finally understood that he wanted me to guide him, to be in charge. I still don't pretend to understand, but the dynamic is okay with me. When  we first talked about FLR, my Knight was concerned that I would "get tired of it" or that it "would become a burden." I will admit that sometimes I forget or neglect to do my part because I get busy, but any major change in habits or lifestyle change is like that.. you have to think about it until it becomes second nature. Being submissive to me is just how my Knight is wired.. it's first nature to him. Allowing myself to be dominant is a new habit for me.. it IS a lifestyle change, and it is taking time to become second nature. But, that doesn't mean that I don't want to, or that I don't like the change. It's not a burden, it's just change.

For me, the greatest reward to this change has been watching my Knight in the process. I've said it before.. since we started FLR, my Knight is more confident, more secure, more creative, happier, willing to take more risks, depressed less, he seems to get more enjoyment and contentment from our sex life, and he smiles more.  Yep. That's worth it to me.

Yes, I'm kind of rambling here, but I'm thinking out loud, so to speak.  If my Knight has gained so much through my bumbling efforts at FLR, then, yeah.. he is submissive. I don't see any difference between FLR and "submissive male." Maybe it's a matter of degree, but it's basically the same thing... the male wanting/needing the female to be in charge of some or all aspects of his life for whatever reason.  Somebody needs to be in charge in a marriage type relationship. The only reasons so many people think that person should be the male is because either that's all they know, or because it's all they have ever been exposed to in real life, or through the media.  (If you doubt the need for someone to be in charge, just look at any organization that is run by committee. Nothing EVER seems to get accomplished)

My Knight has said more than once that he doesn't understand my focus on our flr. That he's "always been that way." When I try to understand how his brain works and what he wants he always looks at
 me like I've got 2 heads. He tells me "I just want you to be happy," without any comment on what makes HIM happy. He tells me there is no reason to evaluate what is working and what's not.... to just do what makes me happy, and he'll follow along because his only desire is to see me happy. Wow.. reading that it sounds like I am an unhappy person..... but I'm not. I'm generally happy and content.

Of course, then he gets passive aggressive and we end up arguing.

There's more to this thought, but it's time for me to take kids to lessons... .......

so....If you made it this far in my pointless talking to myself, maybe you have suggestions on how I can help my Knight become comfortable with idea that it's okay for him  to talk to tell me what he wants, needs and gains from being submissive to me.... from being my Knight. Because that is what I am trying to understand.. I want to know what he needs, wants, and gains from our flr, so that I can better meet that role.

More on Locking

I love this post from Tom at The Edge of Vanilla.

I do not currently lock my Knight. I might in in the future, but at this very second he's not locked. However, he is not free to handle his cock whenever he wants, either. It may be a part of his body, but it belongs to me, and I get to say if and when my Knight plays with it. I  get to say if, when and how he comes.

I love having that control. It's sexy. It's special. I love knowing that my Knight won't come and won't masturbate without my instruction.  I'm the only person on the planet who has that control over him, and that is just amazing.

My Knight has been having a rough time coming to terms with his submission. Yes, we can talk about it. Yes, he jokes about it sometimes. But when it comes to really accepting it, and being able to talk about what he wants, what it does for him, and where he'd like to see it go..? Forget it. Hell...he even hates the word "submissive." My Knight loves it when tell him he is mine, or that he belongs to me. Anytime I remind him the he belongs to me, it's obvious that those words make him happy down to his core. He seems to gain confidence and strength from being reminded that he is mine, and I expect him to act like he belongs to me. If I use the word "submissive" or "submission" his whole attitude is different. He tells me, "I am not submissive," even though his behavior and attitudes are completely
submissive.

Where am I going with this? I see it as the same kind of thing that Tom is talking about.  In his head, My Knight does what I tell him to because he belongs to me, and because I value him enough to direct and control his energy, sexuality and everyday efforts. In his head, (I think -- we have not been able to talk this out, so I am basing my opinion on his reactions and things he's said)  I show that I value him when I am the dominant partner. When I don't dominate him, my Knight questions his place in my life.

But in most media, submissive men are usually portrayed as weak. My Knight does not want to be (and is not) weak. He certainly doesn't want me to see him as weak. But, to admit to being submissive is to identify with those images given off by society as submissive.

Wait. I think I just solved my own problem.

Thanks, Tom.



NOTE: I am in no way saying that submissive men are weak. I am saying that the general impression given by media of weak submissive men is wrong, and damaging to men like my Knight. And that general media impression might be part of our communication problem.

Talking and Thinking

Over the past few days I've talked to my Knight several times about how important it it to me that he share his thoughts and feelings regarding FLR, submission and orgasm control and denial with me. I told him we absolutely have to talk about what we're doing, and why. I have to know he's getting what what he needs from our D/s dynamic, and I need input from him in order to adjust our methods, and find what works best for each of us. This has pretty much our topic of conversation all week. At one point over the past week, I told my Knight that the only way to keep the dynamic is for him to start talking honestly to me about his thoughts and feelings.

Last night was our night alone. Once a week my 17 yr old watches the younger kids so my Knight and I can have the whole evening and night to ourselves. Last night, instead of going out, we hid in our bedroom and watched movies alone. When the third movie finished, I told my Knight to turn off the computer,  we needed to talk about the constant bickering that's been going on between us. He closed my laptop, kneeled in front of me and put his head on my chest. We sat like this for over an hour talking about why things have been so difficult for us lately. I pointed out that he's being passive aggressive when he ignores my instructions, and when he intentionally blows off things that I expect of him. I pointed out the difference in his attitudes on those days when he's on top of things, as opposed to those days when he claims to "forget" things. I told him that the difference is obvious to me. I pointed out that he would have a better chance of getting what he needs by talking to me, instead of doing the passive aggressive thing. I HATE passive aggressive thing. It it probably the single fastest way for him to completely and totally piss me off.

His answer? That he doesn't always realize he's done it until afterwards -- at that point  the damage is done and it's too late to fix it.  He never intentionally blows things off, but he can see where sometimes he's more "forgetful" than other times, and he agrees there is something going on emotionally at those times. We tried to talk about what he's feeling during those times, but he can't even put it into thoughts, let alone put it into words. 

After all this time, he still struggles when it comes to putting his thoughts and feelings into words. 

So... I think at this point the best thing I can do is focus on three things:

1. Reminding him that "submissive" isn't a bad word.. that it's okay with ME when he shows his submissive side.

2. Being more overtly and actively dominant. I've mentioned before that I tend to fall into routine of expecting my Knight to "just follow the rules" I think he needs to see, and feel my dominance more. Or.. maybe he needs it to be "okay" for him to feel submissive more often. Either way, that brings me to number three.

3. Explore with my Knight what actions, thoughts, and feelings cause him to feel most submissive. And then encourage those things. 

Intentional vs Unintentional Punishment

I've been thinking about my comment on punishment. In my last post I said that I have no interest in punishing my Knight whether it be corporal punishment, or not. As I was turning that over in my head, it occurred to me that regardless of my interest or intentions, maybe I end up punishing my Knight anyway. When I'm unhappy with his actions I don't flirt as often, I'm not as affectionate as I am when all is well between us. It's not something I do intentionally - it just happens as a natural consequence of my feelings of disappointment. Because I do expect my Knight to meet deadlines, complete tasks I request of him, and in general not screw things up or make things difficult , I do feel disappointed in him when he doesn't do as asked.

Maybe.. intentional punishment would be better.. more clear, more direct and more quickly resolved that what happens unintentionally?

It's something to think about.

Update on My Goals

2103 is the year for me to learn to lead intentionally. In my last post I mentioned that for January my goals are to be more specific in my instructions to my Knight, and to find three times each day where I can be more flirty with him.

So far I think I've done a good job being specific in my instructions and in giving my Knight deadlines on each list item.  Unfortunately, my Knight has been less than observant of those deadlines, and has been ignoring his weekly task review requirement. The writing assignment which I mentioned in my last post still remains uncompleted, despite my giving extra writing time, and new deadlines. I will admit that I am pretty upset with my Knight over this. The writing assignment was a lead in to our monthly goal review, which I have now had to postpone twice because my Knight did not do the writing assignment.  I want the writing done before the goal review so that my Knight has some clue what he wants to say when we talk. I absolutely hate it when I ask my Knight how a  particular rule is  or is not working for him and he answers with, "I don't know. It's the rule, what's there to say?"  He does it a lot. My feeling is that if he's not going to participate in the discussion, then why should I bother. For me to be content with the FLR, my Knight needs to be an active participant in the relationship. To me that means KNOWING how he feels, (even if he doesn't understand why), and sharing those feelings with me.

Even though I'm being more specific and giving hard deadlines of when I expect my Knight to complete tasks, he's been stretching those deadlines on things other than writing, too. For example, the other day told my Knight I needed him to bring in a file cabinet from the garage, and move it into my office. Three days after the deadline, the job was still not done. Once again I had to make the move to do it myself before he even started the job.

I don't get it.

As for the goal for being more flirty.. I have to say I've probably failed here just a bit. When I am discontented with my Knight I tend to be less touchy-feely. Since I've been irritated with him for not doing the writing assignment, I've not really wanted to spend the energy flirting or teasing him. So, no I have not met that second goal. I've tried.... but I feel that if he won't put forth the effort to complete assignments on time, then why should I go out of my way to be more flirty than usual? There have been no real tease sessions since he missed the writing deadline for the same reasons. Yes, there has been a little bit of cock play, but nothing out of our ordinary.

Obviously I am missing something here. But, I have no idea what that is.  I know several of you will suggest that I resort to corporal punishment when my Knight breaks the rules, but that is not going to happen. I have absolutely no interest in going there. I don't even have any interest in non-corporal punishment. I feel that my Knight should follow the rules, and meet my requests simply because these are my wishes. He agreed to be submissive to me.... to follow my lead, and my rules where ever they may lead us. So.. he should DO that.

We've been doing this for over a year... and I still don't understand him. It's not that I'm not trying, though. I do try to understand what he wants and needs from FLR. But when he won't talk to me, and won't complete writing assignments, what am I supposed to do?

Intentional Leading

I am bad about forgetting to intentionally lead my Knight. I get caught up in the day-to-day of raising and homeschooling the kids, running both our businesses, writing etc, and I forget to take the time for the extras that make flr fun for my Knight. It's easy for me to become so focused on whatever I'm doing that I don't tease my Knight during our day.

My personal goal for January is to actively look for ways to flirt with or tease my Knight at least three times every single day sometime before we go to bed for the evening. While it might sound simple to a lot of you, we are super... super busy and both of us tend to tunnel vision into what we're doing. Being that focused has its benefits and drawbacks. The benefits are that we tend to accomplish a lot, and we usually have quiet a few joint and individual projects going on any given time. But, of course the main drawback is that sometimes I forget to flirt with my Knight. I think my lack of flirting sometimes leaves my Knight feeling neglected. He's a very touch-focused guy. He never walks past me without a kiss or a touch, not so much because I need it, but because my Knight needs that touch.

I believe that part of leading is making it a point to be proactive in meeting the needs of the other person.. so I will make it a point to slow down and touch or kiss my Knight each time I pass him.

I'm also working on giving him "better" instructions on a daily basis. Right now, I give him a list of tasks to be completed each day. That list usually includes what time I expect him home from work (he's salaried, and tends to get absorbed in whichever project he's working on and ends up working late. ), and what chores he's responsible for in the evenings. Sometimes I include an flr writing or "think about so we can talk about it later" type assignment. Those are mostly reserved for evenings when I have plans outside the house.  Tonight's assignment is to write 500 words or more about what he enjoys about orgasm control.  I'm trying to decide how long this session of denial will be. I've got a number in mind, but I want to know what he's thinking first.

Really..... I think this month is mostly about really thinking about what I want from my Knight and intentionally leading him in that direction, instead of taking a day-to-day approach like I 've  been doing.