Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Long conversation with myself

To continue my thoughts from yesterday.. Maybe.. just maybe I can help solve our problem by helping my Knight to reform the images in his head of what it is to be submissive. We all know that, in  general, the media paints a pretty lousy image of submissive guys.

But.. If I can help my Knight to rebuild his own images and ideas of what it means to be submissive, then maybe I can help him come to terms with his own tendencies.  So - how do I go about that?

My thoughts are pretty simple.. I do know that in the past, reminding my Knight that when you get right down to it, nobody's opinion of him really matters... except mine and his. Most of the time, when  he's having an issue with something, reminding my Knight  that it's MY opinion that impacts his life, and then telling him exactly what my opinion is helps him a lot especially when my opinion is the same as, or more favorable than, his.  Somehow, I need to use  that influence to help him accept this part of himself.  Knowing that I accept it should help. I spent a good couple years trying to shoehorn him into "typical 50/50" because I didn't understand what he needed and because of my own images of a "fair relationship" brought on by my upbringing, past relationships, and media influence.  It took me awhile, but I finally understood that he wanted me to guide him, to be in charge. I still don't pretend to understand, but the dynamic is okay with me. When  we first talked about FLR, my Knight was concerned that I would "get tired of it" or that it "would become a burden." I will admit that sometimes I forget or neglect to do my part because I get busy, but any major change in habits or lifestyle change is like that.. you have to think about it until it becomes second nature. Being submissive to me is just how my Knight is wired.. it's first nature to him. Allowing myself to be dominant is a new habit for me.. it IS a lifestyle change, and it is taking time to become second nature. But, that doesn't mean that I don't want to, or that I don't like the change. It's not a burden, it's just change.

For me, the greatest reward to this change has been watching my Knight in the process. I've said it before.. since we started FLR, my Knight is more confident, more secure, more creative, happier, willing to take more risks, depressed less, he seems to get more enjoyment and contentment from our sex life, and he smiles more.  Yep. That's worth it to me.

Yes, I'm kind of rambling here, but I'm thinking out loud, so to speak.  If my Knight has gained so much through my bumbling efforts at FLR, then, yeah.. he is submissive. I don't see any difference between FLR and "submissive male." Maybe it's a matter of degree, but it's basically the same thing... the male wanting/needing the female to be in charge of some or all aspects of his life for whatever reason.  Somebody needs to be in charge in a marriage type relationship. The only reasons so many people think that person should be the male is because either that's all they know, or because it's all they have ever been exposed to in real life, or through the media.  (If you doubt the need for someone to be in charge, just look at any organization that is run by committee. Nothing EVER seems to get accomplished)

My Knight has said more than once that he doesn't understand my focus on our flr. That he's "always been that way." When I try to understand how his brain works and what he wants he always looks at
 me like I've got 2 heads. He tells me "I just want you to be happy," without any comment on what makes HIM happy. He tells me there is no reason to evaluate what is working and what's not.... to just do what makes me happy, and he'll follow along because his only desire is to see me happy. Wow.. reading that it sounds like I am an unhappy person..... but I'm not. I'm generally happy and content.

Of course, then he gets passive aggressive and we end up arguing.

There's more to this thought, but it's time for me to take kids to lessons... .......

so....If you made it this far in my pointless talking to myself, maybe you have suggestions on how I can help my Knight become comfortable with idea that it's okay for him  to talk to tell me what he wants, needs and gains from being submissive to me.... from being my Knight. Because that is what I am trying to understand.. I want to know what he needs, wants, and gains from our flr, so that I can better meet that role.


  1. "since we started FLR, my Knight is more confident, more secure, more creative, happier, willing to take more risks, depressed less, he seems to get more enjoyment and contentment from our sex life, and he smiles more. Yep. That's worth it to me"

    To me FLR makes for security. My wife is much more in touch with the social world whereas I get exhausted trying to keep track of people & commitments. As a sweeping generalisation women are better at multi tasking. Give a guy a single task that he can imerse himself in and he will enjoy it, do it well and as a result have a feeling of achievement.

    I think a secure person is able to step out and take risks. Obviously as person my just be a self confient and therefore secure person but I suspect that in general a secure person is a result of being just a person who has a secure environment. Somewhere to come back to if a risk comes out on the negative side. Retreat, recover, re energise & go out and try again.

  2. I think part of his problem might be, and I am sure this is true for most, if not all submissive husbands, he wants you to want to be dominant in your relationship. In other words he wants you to enjoy his submission, to want to encourage him to submit deeper and deeper. He wants to feel and sense your pleasure at dominating him, to have you acknowledge your dominance, therefore enhancing his feelings of submission.

    How do you do that? Flaunt your feminine sexuality, tease his mind and body, constantly reminding him that you are a strong confident woman that expects his devotion and obedient attention. Keep him aroused but denied as often as you feel necessary. This can take as little as just a few minutes a day, but it is important that you remind him of the hold you have over him.

    I'm guessing the reason that he isn't as open as you would like is that in part he maybe embarassed to confess some of his desires, but more likely, as you seem such an approachable woman, is that he wants "it" to come from you, to be your desires, you dictating and controlling things. It maybe as simple as, if he asks you for certain things then it wont be the same for him.

    The more you have to direct, ask for things, the less an impact they have when your wife does them. I have been seeking a simple tease and denial thing with jane for what must be years now. She won't even play along with this, and I am frightened to ask why because if she says a definite no, it will end any hope that I may enjoy the feeling that her denying me is in some way about her wanting to encourage my submission.

  3. Mistress Angelique,

    I find blogging to be therapeutic as a form of journaling. It helps me to put into words the complex thought/emotions I am experiencing so I can understand them better.

    Anyway, I do agree that the societal imprinting of egalitarian expectations is more pronounced then people recognize. When a couple enters a D/s relationship, it becomes clear just how ingrained these egalitarian patterns are and how difficult they are to counter. As you mention, it takes a great deal amount of time.

    Since you ask for suggestions, I will quote a few from the free book on my site and ones I have mentioned in my radio interview. I have found to have the woman decide how free time will be spent to be very helpful. For some reason, the discussions about what are we going to do, when are we going to do it, etc is a large portion of daily conversations and a way egalitarianism is put into routine discourse.

    Instead, let it be understood that you alone will decide what the two of you will do with your free time and he will be informed as you feel he needs to know, but otherwise he will be kept in the dark as to your future plans for your leisure time. If you feel there is something he needs to plan for, you can tell him in advance. Otherwise, just let him know on the spur of the moment of what will happen next.

    I think you will find the daily practice of this will help to demonstrate your two respective roles in the D/s relationship and also help each of you to exercise your respective talents.



  4. Angelique,
    I think this is a matter of semantics. Your husband doesn't like the word 'submissive'. He doesn't like the associations he conjures up in his head when he hears it. I wrote last time about all the positives of being submissive. I see strength whereas he sees weakness. I see structure and and ability to focus outward and he sees himself as being inadequate. Maybe you need to change to words you use. Maybe he needs to write about being 2nd in charge, your assistant, your lesser husband, or whatever other word might come to mind that he can associate with and feel good, and expound on the positives of living in such a place. Whatever you do, the bottom line is that he needs to internalize what it is that you hope he does - that embracing of being a submissive man. If not, you can force feed him all you want but it's not going to lead to the outcomes you desire.



Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...