Monday, January 14, 2013

Update on My Goals

2103 is the year for me to learn to lead intentionally. In my last post I mentioned that for January my goals are to be more specific in my instructions to my Knight, and to find three times each day where I can be more flirty with him.

So far I think I've done a good job being specific in my instructions and in giving my Knight deadlines on each list item.  Unfortunately, my Knight has been less than observant of those deadlines, and has been ignoring his weekly task review requirement. The writing assignment which I mentioned in my last post still remains uncompleted, despite my giving extra writing time, and new deadlines. I will admit that I am pretty upset with my Knight over this. The writing assignment was a lead in to our monthly goal review, which I have now had to postpone twice because my Knight did not do the writing assignment.  I want the writing done before the goal review so that my Knight has some clue what he wants to say when we talk. I absolutely hate it when I ask my Knight how a  particular rule is  or is not working for him and he answers with, "I don't know. It's the rule, what's there to say?"  He does it a lot. My feeling is that if he's not going to participate in the discussion, then why should I bother. For me to be content with the FLR, my Knight needs to be an active participant in the relationship. To me that means KNOWING how he feels, (even if he doesn't understand why), and sharing those feelings with me.

Even though I'm being more specific and giving hard deadlines of when I expect my Knight to complete tasks, he's been stretching those deadlines on things other than writing, too. For example, the other day told my Knight I needed him to bring in a file cabinet from the garage, and move it into my office. Three days after the deadline, the job was still not done. Once again I had to make the move to do it myself before he even started the job.

I don't get it.

As for the goal for being more flirty.. I have to say I've probably failed here just a bit. When I am discontented with my Knight I tend to be less touchy-feely. Since I've been irritated with him for not doing the writing assignment, I've not really wanted to spend the energy flirting or teasing him. So, no I have not met that second goal. I've tried.... but I feel that if he won't put forth the effort to complete assignments on time, then why should I go out of my way to be more flirty than usual? There have been no real tease sessions since he missed the writing deadline for the same reasons. Yes, there has been a little bit of cock play, but nothing out of our ordinary.

Obviously I am missing something here. But, I have no idea what that is.  I know several of you will suggest that I resort to corporal punishment when my Knight breaks the rules, but that is not going to happen. I have absolutely no interest in going there. I don't even have any interest in non-corporal punishment. I feel that my Knight should follow the rules, and meet my requests simply because these are my wishes. He agreed to be submissive to me.... to follow my lead, and my rules where ever they may lead us. So.. he should DO that.

We've been doing this for over a year... and I still don't understand him. It's not that I'm not trying, though. I do try to understand what he wants and needs from FLR. But when he won't talk to me, and won't complete writing assignments, what am I supposed to do?


  1. You've heard this from me before, but I think the answer is still the employment of a male chastity device. The FLR should be about you, him serving you and meeting your needs. Yet when he falls short there are no consequences for him other than the withholding of affection/teasing. Not a problem for him if he is self pleasuring on his own. If he misses a deadline, you will just extend it and he knows it. Sounds as if you have a lazy sub hubby who wants you to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. Totally unfair to you.

    If you don't want to resort to punishment, you may consider letting a Pro Dom do it for you. You also need to tell him straight out that his halfhearted efforts at the FLR are endangering the relationship and the marriage and your patience is running very thin. Based on the tone of your post(s), I doubt you are willing to put up with this for much longer. He needs to know exactly how you feel, your disappointment, and your anger.

    1. I know for a fact that my Knight is not taking matters into his own hands. But, a device might be fun, and it would give me another reward to work with. I've been considering it. Actually, the writing assignment my Knight blew off was intended to open the door to a conversation about the possibility of a chastity device. He's not yet completed the assignment to my satisfaction, so we have not yet had the conversation.

  2. I appreciate your blog and while I didn't read every posts yet I hope that this modest comment could be of some help.

    I agree with Wishful4 that a chastity device is a great way to enhance your dynamic. You can introduce it gently for short periods as a way to tease him and you would have a nice tool to reward him for good behaviour.

    As the dominant it's best to adjust your requests to what will be more effective. If he's not into writing or talking you could cut on that. Maybe deadlines of too much lists can look like a lot of work for him. How about having him to be available to service you when he's home on a task to task basis as follow me my dear big man we'll bring the cabinet to my office together??

  3. I'm considering a chastity device, but haven't decided if I want one or not. I don't think we need one, but it might be fun.

    As far as your suggestions to adjust requests and giving requests as they come. We've tried that. It did not work for either of us. My Knight followed me around the house constantly asking me "what's next?" all evening. It was the most annoying, irritating, and frustrating thing. We have 5 kids still at home,and between the two of us we run 3 small businesses. In the evenings I am doing things with the kids, and catching up on things I did not get to during the day. I expect my Knight to know what needs to be done, and to do it. Since he can't look at a room, or situation and immediately evaluate what the top priority is, I give him lists. He knows he's meeting my expectations, and he's not annoying the crap out of me with constant requests for direction.

    As for the writing and talking aspect of things. My Knight is a writer. He expresses himself through the written word. He has a difficult time expressing his feelings and thoughts verbally, but can usually do so fairly well on paper/keyboard. That's what writers do. We're both published authors, and so we both tend to go to the keyboard to express anything at all.

    It's important to me that we talk about all aspects of our relationship, and if he's not willing to talk at all then we have a much bigger problem than missed deadlines.

  4. Mistress Angelique,

    perhaps the lack of motivation from your husband and your lack of flirting are connected. However, Ms Rika speaks to this. If a submissive man is in a bad mood, it is not the job of the domme to fix this for him. It is his job.

    She is giving him a gift with opening for him opportunities to serve her. If he is submissive, he should be thankful and enthusiastic for such opportunities. The one obligation of the domme according to Ms. Rika, is to lead the relationship from a position of dominance. It sounds to me like you are doing so.

    Perhaps your husband is just fatigued and expressing his discontent through subtlety faulting. I know I am guilty of this at times.

    Take care and happy 2013.!!


  5. If you want my honest opinion I am not sure just FLM is enough, I mean there is a definite repeating week after week month after month of the exact same issues. I agree with the others, it is time for a chastity device, and I would not start out gently. You have the control, he already gave it to you, so take hold of it tighter and lock him up. This way even when he isn't being as good as you expect so you aren't in the mood to tease, he has that hard piece of metal or plastic locked on him and you having access to the only key. He will be striving to complete those lists in no time. And I think it will help close the gap. If he wants to be let out for a teasing or even an O or to make love to you he must communicate first. You will be able to get to a new level together I think. I don't see the sense in approaching it slowly and talking it over, feeling him out, bottom line is YOU have the control here and you need to take it upon yourself to just use him whatever way you want. I hope that you guys can get past all this so you can finally get to the great part of FLM or D/s or whatever term you want to call it. It cannot be fun to be going round and round, it would drive me nuts too.



Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...