Wednesday, December 3, 2014

More Training - Not Sure Where to Start

Before Thanksgiving, knight told me it would help him if I spent time teaching him what I want from him in various situations. He said that he is often unsure of what I want him to do,and how I want him to react. This conversation came up when we were discussing flr issues a few weeks ago. I asked him if it would help if I took the time to teach him exactly what I want from him in every situation. Not only did he answer "yes," but he was extremely relieved that I offered.

Okay.... I'm willing to put the training time in, but really I don't have the foggiest idea where to start. Many of the situations knight is unsure of seem... obvious and second nature to me. Simple things - like pick up the plate from the table as you walk by, or stick to the shopping list at the store, or don't always wait for me to initiate sex play.. these are simple "no brainer" things for me. But, when knight and I discus them, he really is unsure of what I want from him. We've been together for over 10 years, and  there is a part of me that thinks, "really.. if you don't know me by now, then you really don't pay attention."  I'm not difficult, I don't hint, I try very hard to be clear and concise in my expectations of knight.

As a woman who has grown up in the modern word, I feel like "training" my knight should be unnecessary. He should pay as much attention to me, my habits, feelings and needs as I do to his.

As the wife of a submissive guy, I get it. (kind of)  I know my knight well enough to understand that his entire being and self worth is tied up in "doing what (she) wants", and "making (her) happy."   If I am even a little bit upset or disappointed in him, my knight's world falls apart.

I am proud of my knight for being honest and telling me that he feels like he needs more "training." And, as the leader of our flr, I'm willing to provide that training. 

So, the next question is: Where do I start? And, that's where I get hung up.
For the most part, knight's daily task list covers everything I want him to do on any given day. If directions are needed for a task, I include them in the list. I have written out a bedtime routine that knight follows each evening, and I'm working to develop a morning routine, as well.  To my thinking, that should be enough. But, I know it's not.

A big part of this is that knight wants to feel my influence in everything he does. I get that. ( I don't understand it, but I get that is his motivation). So, my task is to start his training in the area where he will most feel my influence.

And, that's the issue. I don't know where that is. Sure, I could ask him.. and I probably will, but I'm expecting an answer similar to what I usually get in these instances, "I don't know babe, whatever you think is best." or "Whatever you think is best." or even "where ever  you want."

Which doesn't help.

What is most important to me? I don't have an answer for that because knight does a decent job of doing what I ask of him when I ask it. (for now, anyway, regular readers know that isn't always the case)

I think.. what is most important to me is that we find ways for both of us to feel the flr dynamic in everything we do... all the time... because we both seem to be happier, more content and closer to each other that way.

Getting there, is the challenge. 


  1. i think this is a good sign and opportunity for you. Since you have provided a task list already, i suggest you start with the three most important items on the list for you. Your top three, since multi-tasking in important.

    Start with the very basics. Uniform, if you require one. Frequency for doing the tasks. Show how you want the task performed. Demonstrate twice; then require knight to perform as shown. knight must repeat as many times as necessary to get each task correct. Work through every item on the task list. Mix Your instructions with harshness and humor as necessary to achieve improvement. In the beginning be generous with rewards and compliments. You can add punishment for failure in the future, if you want. Mistress Barbara did this with me. As a result we grew together. In my case, dressing was part of my training. Punishment did not start immediately. When it did, it took the form of scolding, corner time, orgasm control, and eventually spanking.

    You are in charge, therefore, everything should be done Your way. If knight suggests a different way, and You decide his method is worthy, then with Your approval, it becomes Your way. To a great extent, You are building a one-way street to Your happiness. knight's happiness is a sub-set of Your happiness. Love, respect, and communications remain at the heart of a FLR. If an approach does not work, laugh about it and try a new approach. With ten years invested in Your relationship, You have what it takes to increase Your happiness, and develop knight's skills, attention to You, and increase the love, respect, and communications You have for each other.

  2. I like what dualpurpose had to say and his ideas regarding the ‘top 3’. As I read your post I thought about your day – where does it start? It starts when you wake up. How do you want your and his morning to start? What do you want him to do? I have a specific routine when I get up. Katie has hers. Our’s mesh at specific points during that first half hour. She showers first – every time. I use her wet towel to dry – every time. I clean the bathroom after we are both through. I make the bed. I dry and brush her hair. I clean the cat litter before I come downstairs I clean off the bathroom counter with a wet cloth before I come down. I, I, I. When I am down what comes next in your day? And on and on you can go.
    If you there are certain situations like a child has left a plate on the table and you see it while with your knight you say, “OK, here’s a specific thing that happens lots. Whenever you see a plate or cup or silverware or trash or leftover or …… I want you to do this – everytime.
    I would make things very black and white. Make it work. Every situation provides a teachable moment for you and a learning opportunity for him.
    As I look at this, it is a chance for the two of you to bond. Just keep it positive and keep encouraging him and make him do it your way as Dual purpose stated earlier.

  3. Dual purpose and I'm Hers made very good suggestions. I think he wants more control. He wants to be controlled 24/7 or at least when he is home. Tell him what he is to wear, what he is to eat, what he is to do. You might have him wear a butt plug or clips on his nipples. Or spend time kneeling in a corner thinking of how you own him. Good luck as you take the next step.and give him the control he needs and craves.

    FD .

  4. I could be wrong, but what your hubby seems to want is acknowledgement and encouragement from you, he wants to feel as though you are in charge, taking control and most importantly that you are enjoying using your feminine sexuality and his submissive tendencies to mould him into his ideal of what a subservient and submissive husband should be. In short, he wants to feel “dominated” by you. I don’t particularly like that word, as it seems to frighten a lot of women, but in essence that’s what he wants to feel. By getting you to instruct him more specifically about all sorts of jobs and tasks you might like him to perform, he will be getting what he wants. At least, he will until you run out of ideas and time to keep it up.

    At some point, he is going to have to accept that being in an FLR is not all about him and what he wants from you. Also, that just by doing what you want in ways that you would like him to do them, is not necessarily going to satisfy your needs.

    Make sure he understands what it is that you want from this type of relationship, and that could be more loving devotion, more kisses and cuddles, not things that he might expect to give as your “slave”.

    The thing about being submissive and having fantasies is that most stay secretly tuck away in your mind, and no sooner than you have achieved one goal, than your desires change and new level of submission takes over. Make sure that you know what your husband’s are and what your limits are. If you ask in the right way, under the right conditions, he will tell you I’m sure.

  5. John Wooden is probably the most famous or at least one of the most famous college basketball coaches ever to have coached the game. He coached at UCLA for many years and won many championships. I remember hearing a story that during the first day that he took over as head basketball coach the first thing that he taught all of his players was how to tie their basketball sneakers. He left nothing for chance.

    I am good friends with another coach who has won several national championships. Every year the players have a picnic with the coaches, their wives, and their kids. Every year this head coach, prior to that picnic, explains to each of the players how they are to dress, when they are to arrive, and how they are to act.

    Specifically he tells them that he expects each of them to introduce themselves to the coaches wives and to ask them at least three or four questions. He leaves nothing to chance and he has always mentioned that it is the attention to detail-doing the little things right that separates great teams from good teams. I'm sure you can drawl the parallels to your situation with your Knight.

  6. All of you have made good points and good suggestions. I need to do more than create task lists. All of you are correct in that knight wants my control in every area. He wants me to show/tell him exactly what I want him to do, in in some cases, how I want him to do it. What I need to do is figure out why this is still so difficult for me. When I objectively look at things, I can see that I'm still fighting it. We're still going in circles, and that's my fault.



Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...