Results Of Our Game

So.. our game went well the other night. Or, as well as it could have gone considering the rule that came up in the roll.

My Knight rolled a 2. Rule 2 states:

We are partners in everything, but I  am in charge of, and hold final decision making and authority on all things. I will always listen to, and value your opinion, but the final decision is mine. 

Of course, that is the basis of any Dominant/submissive relationship. So it didn't leave much room for discussion. I asked my Knight how he felt about Rule 2. He looked at me and shrugged, "Isn't that the whole point?"

LOL, well.. yeah. We talked about how he thought it was going since we reinstated the flr, and how he felt handing all control over to me. There wasn't much new to say - we've talked this one to death, but he did try.  So, my Knight earned his reward. We're going to repeat this game once or twice each month as a way to review the rules and help keep either of us from falling into autopilot.

And.. for this evening I offered up a new challenge: Write 1000 words this evening on his current WIP, and earn an hour or longer tease session tonight. No chance of release.... just teasing and playing.

Personally, I enjoy subjecting my Knight to long tease sessions. I love watching him squirm and struggle not to release without permission. A few months ago, he asked me to stop the extended, intense teasing because it irritated and frustrated in a not so great way. But... recently he's realized that he misses the attention, the increased sensitivity, and the tease time itself. So, I think we're both looking forward to him making his word count tonight.

A Little Game

I just emailed my Knight his daily task list for today. While I was typing his list, I decided to play with him a little. Task item number 10 for the day tells my Knight to find time to review our written rules because we will be playing a game this evening.

When we get home tonight I'm going to roll a pair of dice. The roll will randomly choose which of our rules is up for in-depth discussion. It's part of my attempt to help my Knight become aware and comfortable with his submission. We will explore how he feels about the rule, how following or acting on the rule makes him feel, and how or if that rule helps him to feel submissive to me. Then I'm going to ask him to tell me one thing I do, or he'd like me to do that increases his feelings of submission to me.

If he does a good job expressing his feelings, and he actually talks to me on the level I want, then I will allow him to come sometime in the next 24 hours.

If I am not happy with the level of communication I get from my Knight tonight, then there is absolutely no chance of an orgasm for him in the next 24 hours.

I'm really hoping the anticipation is fun for him. Early on I stopped telling him when he'd be allowed to orgasm, because it causes anxiety and stress for him. He was better off not knowing. But in my mind, this is different because I'm using his potential orgasm to encourage him to dig deep and tell me how he feels.   We'll see. The next item on his list is to tell me if the game is causing him anxiety.

Part of our challenges with FLM is lack of open communication. My Knight has been pretty uncomfortable with this part of himself. He wants to be submissive to me, but doesn't want to talk about it, and doesn't want to understand exactly what he wants or why. I want that communication. I want my Knight to talk to me about what he wants from this, and what pushes those buttons for him. Tonight's game is a first step in that process.  Plus, it's fun.

Putting It On "Autopilot"

SH suggested I buy and read Around Her Finger By Ken Addison.  That book has been on my "To Read" list for about a year. Yesterday I downloaded the book. It's only 157 pages, and I was able to read through it over the course of the afternoon in between other tasks.

It's well written and explains the basics of FLM fairly well. I don't know that I learned anything new, but I've been reading and researching FLR for two years now.

That said, reading the book did point out to me why we keep coming back to the same issues. Like I said the other day, things fall apart when we get super busy, or when we fall into a routine. Both are times when I tend to run on autopilot. I think my Knight feels ignored during those time, too.

In the future I need to watch myself so that I don't fall into autopilot. I think I also need to build several small, sexually charged elements into our day so that if(when) I do go into autopilot, those elements are built into our routine to remind me not to allow autopilot to happen.

Thanks SH.  It's going to take some time, care and attention on my part, but I know it's worth it. We sustained a pretty good FLR for about a year before I let self-doubt convince me my Knight hated the arrangement. I know now that I was wrong.. I thought he was unhappy with FLR, but really he was having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that he liked the dynamic.

Yesterday Was A Good Day

Yesterday I was careful to give my Knight a list of the things I wanted done while my teen-aged daughter and I were out at orchestra rehearsal. The list was pretty long, and included a few detailed tasks. To my pleasant surprise, my Knight completed everything on the list except one thing. When everything else was complete, his instructions were to sit down and spend the rest of the time until I got back writing. He was just sitting down at the computer to write when my daughter and I came home.
Of course, we also got out of rehearsal about 45 minutes earlier than usual because it was the last rehearsal before our Christmas concert. So, my Knight did well.

It's Starting to Make Sense

Over the last year or so, I have been at a loss to explain why our flr will skate along smoothly for weeks, even months at a time and then, all of a sudden my Knight will start acting like a rebellious teenager. He'll start "forgetting" things, do things half-way, become mildly disrespectful, stop listening and then tell me "well.. I though you wanted..... "  and stop talking to me about anything of any importance. What usually happens is that I talk to him about what's going on, he makes excuses about being busy at work or something equally lame.  I'll start handing down penalties for not complying with my wishes. He ignores or otherwise blows off the penalties. And we're caught in a circle. At some point (and that point comes sooner and sooner as I become more comfortable with flr) I get super-firm and tell him I have had enough of his b.s.. I not so nicely remind him that he has absolutely no choice in the matter. He is to do exactly as I tell him.  By this point, I'm frustrated with him, and more than a little angry with him for putting me in the position of having to hand down real discipline.  When my Knight realizes that I really am angry with him, the whole issue dissolves away. He becomes my sweet Knight again and starts doing as I ask, thinking ahead to evaluate what I or the kids might need at any given time. He starts completing his daily chores without reminders again, and just generally doing what is expected of him.  But it takes me blowing up and getting truly angry with him to get back on track.

That same scenario replayed itself over the course of our recent move. By the time we were actually moved I was so angry with my Knight that I could barley speak to him without yelling at him. Everything I asked of my Knight while we were moving things was done half-assed. Including loading the darn truck. I was having a mild MS flare and did not have the balance to walk on the truck ramp, so I carried things as I could to the porch for my Knight and daughters to load. My Knight just kind of tossed things on the truck without much organization. That single action caused us to have to make several extra trips with our van, and cost us a good amount of money in extra gas costs.  There was one day where he actually yelled at me for pointing out that I had asked him to do X and he had done Z instead. That, btw, is so completely out of character for my Knight that I stood there for several minutes, simply stunned.  I think that was the first time in 7 years he has ever raised his voice to me. And yet.. my Knight kept insisting everything was fine. Yeah. right.

I tried talking to him. My Knight kept insisting that everything was fine, and that he was doing his best. I know my Knight. I know what "his best" looks like, and what I was seeing was not even close. I ended up doing most of the packing and moving myself because my Knight was messing up so much.
Yes, moving is stressful.... but ...come on.

After we got everything moved over to the new house I gave him a couple days to adjust, and tried to talk to him again. All I got was that he didn't want to argue and that he hates it when I'm upset with him. But, no real explanation for his behavior. I told him that I was beyond fed up and that if he did not start following directions and giving accurate information, he would find himself sleeping on the couch for a month.

And then, last night it hit me. I was lying in bed, looking for patterns in these lapses he had and it hit me. Every single time he has started being passive aggressive one of two things have been going on. Either 1. we have been super-busy and had minimal time together, or 2. things had become routine.  So..  what do those two things have in common?

My time and attention.

If we are super busy then I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to "leading". It's at those times when my Knight is expected to do what I ask of him with minimal discussion, and minimal direction. When we fall into a solid routine, my Knight does not need constant direction.

Reading through that, it kind of makes my Knight sound super-needy. He is not. But, he is really bad about recognizing and expressing his needs. He learned from his  ex that even having needs was cause for all hell breaking loose. Over 15 years of marriage to that woman taught him never to express his own needs, and not to even acknowledge that he had needs at all. Bad things happened when he mentioned his needs. Sure, she's long gone. He and I have been together for 8 years. But conditioning is hard to break, especially when a person doesn't want to see they have been conditions. My Knight used to insist that his ex's behavior had little long term effect on him. But, I can see otherwise.

When I realized the commonality between all these events, I woke up my Knight. We talked about how he reacts when he feels he's not getting enough of my attention. While he didn't acknowledge that he's been feeling ignored, he didn't tell me I was wrong, either. I reminded him that total and complete honesty is the number one rule between us, and that I want to know how he feels and what he needs. Then I pointed out that under our flr  it's my responsibility to decide what he gets, when, and how his needs get met.. but that it's HIS responsibility to be honest with me about what those needs are.  I can't give him what he needs  if he won't communicate with me. Hiding his needs from me is counter productive to our flr, our marriage, and life in general. I went as far as pointing out that it was a survival technique he picked up when he was with his ex and it was not working for him anymore. And.. he has not needed it since we got together. It was a good discussion.. one that I've tried to have with my Knight many times. But, for some reason... THIS time he seemed to hear me. It seemed to sink in.

"I Like It Too Much"

I've been wanting to write this post for a few weeks now, but just have not had the time to sit down and  do it.

Six weeks or so ago, I was talking to my Knight about restarting the orgasm control. When we took our flr break tease and denial stopped. After his comment about his ex, I wanted to make sure my Knight understood the reasons why I am insisting on total control over his orgasms.  Toward the end of the conversation, I make the off-hand comment, "oh, come on.. you don't really hate it that much, do you?"

My Knight answered with, "No, that's the problem.. I like it too much." and he slipped out the door real quick before I could comment.

I let him get away with slipping out like that because it was the first time he's really admitted that he enjoys orgasm control.

Moving Sucks

Moving is a major time suck. Yeah.. that's where I've been for the past many weeks. Packing a household of 8 people is a major undertaking, did  you know that?

Several months ago, my Knight and I decided to from the state we live in to another state for the benefit of his 10 yr old mentally ill daughter. The company my Knight works for just happens to have an office in our chosen state, so he put in for a transfer. The original transfer was denied, but the supervisors suggested he apply for another position at the out-of-state office. So we did that. The first interview went well... the second interview went fantastic. My Knight's local managers said we should start house hunting in the new state. So that's what we did. We started packing, too. Then.. the manager of that office told everyone to hold on a minute..... that office was in the midst of a budget revamp and they were not sure when the hire date would be. We waited... and waited...... and waited. Two months went by, and the out-of-state office was still "looking at the budget." My Knight's immediate supervisor was well aware of the reasons behind our transfer request, and he suggested my Knight put his resume out and see what happened. He even supplied a recruiter contact in the new state. So.. resumes were floated.

Several phone interviews later, my Knight had more than one really good possibility. The position with his current company told him he is at the top of the shortlist of 3 people. But that they will not be filling the position until after the 1st of the year.

Okay.. we thought.. we'll just stay put until after the First. No big deal... Enter our landlord... We lived in a very small town. Somehow our landlord got wind that we were talking about moving. The landlord's 75 yr old sister-in-law is the actual owner of the house we were renting.. and she decided that she wanted to sell the house. Landlord was sorry, but he needed us out in 30 days because his SIL was pretty insistent that she wanted the house on the market before Christmas.... and since we were talking about moving anyway, it wasn't that big of a deal, right?

We explained what was going on and that we wanted to wait until after Knight's company made a decision about the job out of state, which would be a promotion for my Knight. We reminded him about our mentally ill kid, and pointed out all the reasons we wanted to move her from our current state to the state we were considering. He totally understood, and said he would talk to his SIL and see what he could do.

She agreed to wait until March or April if we increased our rent payment by $300 a month. Um.. No. Can't do that... won't do that. So.. our move out date was set for the weekend of Thanksgiving.

The out of state interviews my Knight had up to that point went well. Three different companies wanted to fly him to the other state for in-person interviews. Great. Accept none of them wanted to interview until the week after Thanksgiving, with a decision date after Christmas.

Yeah. That did not work. So..... I found a house we love about 35 minutes from where we used to live and bought it. . We spent Thanksgiving weekend moving. We are now about 10 minutes (with traffic)  from my Knight's office. It used take him about 40 min to get to work each morning.

We are in our new house, surrounded by boxes, but slowly getting things unpacked and put away. There were a few minor glitches, but overall the move went smoothly.

Hopefully I will have more time to pay attention to this blog now.