He Is Whining Today

I understand that my knight is stressed over starting his masters program this week. I understand that he is mildly upset that he has not heard anything from the interview last Friday. But.......whining at me, trying to talk me into buying him a new laptop, and complaining about the structure (or lack of it) in his on-line classes is annoying. Since Monday, he's spent most of our time together complaining about how disorganized is classes are, and how bad the technology is. Some of his complaints are valid. His school email won't hook up to his Gmail account because of a problem on the school server side..that's valid. But some of his complaints are not valid. For example, he spent most of Monday complaining that his instructor gave them a huge website to review, and gave no idea of exactly what information they were supposed to concentrate on. Yet, when I read the assignment it was pretty clear what the instructor found important,and what she wanted them to learn. I offered to help and was told, "no, I've got it." Then he complained and whined for 2 full days about how he had no idea what he was supposed to be doing.

My knight is an above average intelligence type of guy. There is no reason for this kind of behavior from him.   I realize he is whining because he feels overwhelmed and is nervous about going back to school, but come on.. Seriously? He's not juggling 90% of the housework, 100% of the homeschooling, and running a small business like I did when I earned both my Bachelors and Master's degrees. All he's got to do is go to work, and come home, and do his schoolwork. I've even reduced his household responsibilities so they don't interfere with his school. He's got it about as stress free as college gets unless you're a teenager.

Then.. Over the last two days or so, he's been trying to convince me that he needs a new laptop. Yeah. he does. His laptop died about 2 years ago, and we have not replaced it yet. We have a desktop that the whole family uses, and we have "my" laptop.. which the whole family is allowed to use unless I am actively working. I've told him that multiple times. But.. he refuses to use the laptop because it's "mine." Which I think is dumb. He has my blanket permission to use "my" laptop when ever he needs it.  I am not spending money on a new, or even a used laptop out of his severance check when he does not have a new job lined up. In fact, I've told him repeatedly, there will be no unnecessary spending until he lands a new job. And yet, he keeps suggesting we buy this.. or that.. or hey, look at this cool computer I found for such a great price. Yes.. we will be getting a fairly good sized severance check tomorrow. No. I am not spending it on big purchases.. not even to pay off smaller bills. I will continue to make payments on things like we have been. When he lands another job that will support us, I will take the remainder of that severance package and invest it. In the mean time, it's not getting spent on extras.

Why is this so difficult for him to understand. It's basic, it's simple. Don't spend money you don't have. Yes, I am putting in applications and am willing to go back to work part time.. full time, if necessary.. but, again.. that does not mean that severance check will be spent.

...........and ........I guess this is why I took control of our finances to begin with. I'm going to have to be firm with him,and not allow his whining to convince me to spend money I'm not ready to spend.

My knight has been doing really well lately. His lists are being completed, he's remembering to clear spending with me BEFORE he spends, and things are going smoothly. Even last night when he really wanted to go to practice, and I told him to stay home and get started on the classes for his master's program. He tried to tell me that he didn't have much work, and that he wanted to go to practice. I put my foot down, told him I wanted him to stay home and get started on is classes. He sighed, and did as he was told. And, as it turned out, he is now glad he listened. He had been locked out of the syllabi for his classes because of technical issues on the school's side. Last night he finally was able to get in to his class info, and found he has a quiz on DNA technology on Thursday. Did I mention my knight is a programmer? He knows next to nothing about DNA technologies, and really doesn't care. But.. it's a requirement of the class.

My point here is that he didn't fight me on it, he didn't pout or whine. He just did what I told him was best and it paid off.

Now.. I need to come up with something fun to reward him for doing so well. Maybe a long tease session this evening is in order.  Yeah.. I think that's what I'll do. I've been dealing with pretty serious fatigue from the ms for the last week or so. I haven't even been able to get through my day without needing at least one nap, and by the time we go to bed, I'm so tired that I drop off to sleep almost immediately. But, I'm feeling better today after increasing my coconut oil, and doing a mild fast. ( yes.. I really SHOULD follow my own ms advice.. it seems I know what I'm talking about... go figure)  I have a good bit more energy today than I have had in weeks.  I think I'll break out the massage oil and some toys after the kids go to bed tonight.

I think I've been pretty consistent with maintaining flr and discipline. My knight has been following his lists, and doing what is expected pretty consistently. He starts his Master's degree program today, and is pretty excited. He's nervous, too. He's not exactly a 20something kid any more. I think he'll have fun with it, though. He's also waiting for results from a job interview late last week. He really wants this position. It's pretty much his dream job at his dream company. the interview went well, and they requested references over the weekend. Hopefully, we'll hear something this week. His last day of work at his current position is on Friday. In the meantime, I am starting to put my "Plan B" into action. That means stepping up my writing- actively pursuing corporate writing gigs, and getting my darned book proposal done. I am SO.. SO bad at meeting self-imposed deadlines.. I have never missed a publishing deadline. I pride myself on meeting publishing deadlines no matter what it takes. But, self imposed deadlines? I tend to reschedule them, or simply ignore them. But, that stops this week. I've always been able to set my mind to something and accomplish the task regardless of the odds. Once I'm set on something, it happens. So.. I am focusing that on the ability to meet self imposed deadlines.

What does any of this have to do with flr? Not a thing......  Except that even with all these things going on my knight is doing a good job right now. He's following his lists, and doing what is expected of him. I'd doing my best not to let stress get in the way of our tease and denial play. I've been better about telling my knight to do things that help reduce my stress levels, so that I'm more in the mood for sex play. Stress is my biggest sex killer. Many of you will say that he should be looking for ways to reduce my stress levels without me telling him to. And, sure.. he probably should. But, our biggest pit is when I expect him to do things on his own.. to "learn about me, and just know." That's when he gets unsure of what he should do, totally freezes,and does nothing. And, when I'm under stress, my knight is more likely to freeze because he's unsure of what I want from him. So, right now, I am making a point to spell everything out for him. And so far, it's working.

Keeping Focused

Things are hectic around here right now. My knight was laid off back in November. The company gave him several weeks notice. His last day is the middle of this month. So, since November he has been sending out resumes, talking to recruiters and participating in at least two interviews each week. We haven't had any offers yet, although there have been several good interviews. Tomorrow my knight has an interview with a company out of state. If there is a "perfect job at the perfect company" for my knight.. this is it. Needless to say, stress levels are a bit high for us right now.

One thing I've learned over the last couple years is that in times of high stress my knight needs me to keep a tight handle on the rules. My Knight is calmer, and more confident when I am strict in my expectations with him.  He also handles financial difficulties better, if he has absolutely no say in how money is spent, and no real idea of what is in the bank account. 

So, I am making it a point to look for rule infractions, and correct them, no matter how minor.  I am tightening up the rules surrounding money. Over the last year I've gotten sloppy about letting my knight check balances, spend money, and discussing budget issues with him. While we will be just fine even if it takes my knight several months to find a new job, I think that at this point, it's wise to cut him out of the financial process completely. That way he can't waste time stressing over it.

I'm also making it a point to remind him in words and actions, that he belongs to me. My knight does not handle rejection well, anyone who has done any kind of job hunting knows that the process is naturally full of rejection.

So far my efforts are paying off, I think. In the last week, since I decided to tighten our flr and go back to something more strict, I've noticed a change in my knight. He's making it a point to try and think ahead a little bit. He's less argumentative,and more attentive, and more involved.

Slow Progress

In the last 2 days my Knight has been reprimanded for:
1. taking the bank card out of my wallet without my knowledge
2. Telling me he was going to fast food, instead of swinging home, or into a grocery store for a quick snack instead.
3. Leaving work without telling me. 
4. Not copying me on an important legal email.

Numbers two and three happened yesterday afternoon, and were part of the same incident. He had an appointment after work and sent me an email saying he had already eaten the lunch and snack he'd taken to work that morning and was heading to Taco Bell for food on the way to his appointment. He sent the email and then left.  The first problem with this is that we don't eat fast food. I am very health aware. We might eat fast food/junk food once every 2 or 3 months. Stopping at Taco Bell was not okay with me. Add to that the fact that we had budget snag that was completely out of our control earlier this pay period, and I told him not to spend anything that was not an absolute necessity. Fast food is NEVER a necessity So, I answered his email that.. No, he was not to go to Taco Bell. He could run home and grab a snack from the fridge to tide him over until dinner. I answered his email within 2 minutes of getting it, but he did not hang around and wait for an answer.. he hit send and left. Again.. not okay. So I sent him a text and told him he was expected to come home and grab a snack, that Taco Bell was not okay with me.

He got my text before he even left his office's parking garage. So,he came home, got food, and went to his appointment. As he was leaving, I told him we would deal with both the Taco Bell and the bank card portions of this that evening.
When he got home, I took the bank card and put in my wallet. (We have a joint bank account, but Knight does not have his own bank card.)

I told him the card would start living in my wallet again.

Number 1, happened this morning. Knight took the bank card out of my wallet without telling me. Granted, he did so in order to put gas in the van this morning, so my daughter didn't have to do it. But.. he knows that if the card is in my wallet he is supposed talk to me BEFORE he gets it. He did not tell me until several hours after he got to work.

As for the last one.. the appointment last night was of a legal nature, and the other party did not show up. Knight needed to email our lawyer and a third person to inform the. He remembered to do this on his own last night, but didn't bcc me on the email, as he has been instructed to do on ALL emails of this nature. I found out when he replied to his emailed list this am, with, "That's done. I did it yesterday when I got home." On one hand, I'm glad he remembered to do this. I made it a list item because he usually forgets to email the lawyer about these things. On the other hand.. I need to be kept in the loop, which means BCCing me on everything.


Unlike in the recent past, my knight has been reprimanded for each and every one of this minor infractions.


In an email today he said something that came across as attitude. "K. Whatever. I'm tired of fighting"


I asked him about it, and pointed out that he *asked* go back to flr. Then I asked if that was because he is "tired of fighting", or because he truly wanted the flr. He answered that he wants the flr, and the tired of fighting comment was unrelated.

I told him that we have never been closer than we were when I kept very strict flr rules.. and that I want that closeness with him back.

Learning Experience.

We were not even a full week into the restarted flr when we had problems. My Knight is supposed to bring his daily task list to me before bed each evening so that we can go over it together. He did not do that even once. When I said something I was told, "I got everything done. What's the point?"  Um.. the point is that 1. it's part of the rules, and 2. you frequently do NOT complete your task list.

That was on Monday, I believe. Repeat on Tuesday.

I should have punished him Monday night, instead of explaining the reason for the rule and giving him another chance. Same for Tuesday. Lesson learned. 

Wednesday was New Year's Day. There wasn't an actual task list, my Knight simply did what I told him to.

The real problem started on Thursday. My Knight was supposed to fix our magnetic stove hotplate thing. The fan needed replaced, and he bought the parts earlier that week. I needed the hotplate to teach a class on Saturday.  There were other things on the list, but this was the big one. Our plans were twisted around a bit on Thursday evening, and I had my Knight take the kids to an activity while I stayed home to work. The expectation was that he fix the hot plate when he got back.

and.. again, Thursday night my Knight did not bring his written list to me for inspection before we went to bed. Had he done so the following problem would have been avoided.

Friday went on pretty uneventfully until the evening. At 7, my Knight took the kids to our Friday evening activity while I stayed home to prepare for my class the next day.

When I turned on the hot plate for a test run it overheated. I was making an herbal syrup, and the hot plate needed to be on for about an hour. It overheated after 15 minutes because my Knight had not replaced the parts.

I'm not so mechanically inclined, so I prepared my class notes while I waited for Knight and the kids to get home. After the kids went to bed I chewed Knight out for not fixing the hot plate the night before..and then I told him to fix it "right now."  Which he did. It took him all of 10 minutes.

Except that the fan he bought wasn't strong enough to do the job well enough. The hot plate overheated after about half an hour. Not good enough. I wanted to make a batch of this herbal syrup during the class, and it would take about an hour for the liquid to simmer down to the correct concentration.

I was already angry because the hot plate was not fixed on Thursday, as I had requested. My Knight's attitude of "oh well, nothing I can do now" just pissed me off. (It was after 11 pm at this point. He could not go out and get a stronger fan)  I was stuck in the position of having to completely rewrite my class because making the herbal syrup was a main component. The more my Knight talked and tried to explain away his lack of follow through, the more angry

The bottom line was simple.. if he had fixed the hot plate on Thursday, as requested, I could have tested it during the day on Friday. I would have found that the fan was not strong enough and he could have bought a stronger fan and installed it after work on Friday. Pretty simple really. But, because he dropped the ball on Thursday, I had extra work to do before Saturday morning.

Knight tried to tell me that he didn't have time to fix the fan on Thursday because he took kids to their activity that evening. Um..NO. Activity did not start until 7 pm. Knight gets home from work at 5pm. Besides, the activity was over and they were home by 930 pm. We didn't go to bed Thursday night until after midnight. We stayed up watching Dr. Who. So.. he had plenty of time to spend 10 minutes fixing the hot plate.  Further, he didn't come to me with his task list Thursday night so I didn't know the task was undone.

In the end, my class was a huge success, but it was not the class I wanted it to be.

Friday night and Saturday morning, I was still very.... very angry with my Knight. I reminded him that *this* was the sort of thing we went to flr in order to avoid. He has rules and tasks specifically because this sort of thing is unacceptable to me. I should not have to scramble to fix things, situations, or relationships that he breaks by forgetting or not following through. I talked to him and explained why I was so angry.. that if he had simply followed his list.. AND/OR the rules we have in place, none of this would have happened. I was, once again, stuck fixing his fuck up. Every time I tried to talk to him, my Knight tried to blame me with , "well, you're the one who asked me to take the kids to their activity this week."  Yes, I did. but the expectation was that you would still fix the hot plate.

We went round and round. I finally gave up and went to bed alone.

The issue caused so much stress that I had a massive headache all day Saturday and most of today. I hold most of my stress in my neck and shoulders.. so much so that the tensed muscles actually pull the vertebrae in my neck out of alignment. That causes headaches so severe that I have vision problems and nausea.

Yesterday morning, my Knight wanted my approval and instructions for everything. He stood in the kitchen and waited for me to give him instructions. It was the most annoying thing, because frankly, I didn't want to talk to him, deal with him, or even see him at all. I was considering if I even wanted to continue our relationship because I don't see a lot of change happening.

At some point during the morning, my Knight muttered something under his breath. All I heard was "don't agree." I asked him to repeat himself. At first, he refused, but I told him that I was already questioning the flr and our marriage, and that ignoring me was just going to piss me off further.  Sheepishly, Knight said that he didn't agree that this was his fault.

I said to him, "Did you bring me your list on Thursday night before bed?"

He answered, "No, I forgot."

I replied with, "And is is written in our rules that you are to bring me your handwritten list for review before bed each night?"

"Yes," he said.

I told him, "If you had done so, this would have been caught sooner, and I would not be facing the possibility of cancelling a class that I have been planning for months."

His attitude seemed to change right there. 

We went about our day, and my knight spent a good amount of time kissing up. He basically followed me around offering to do things for me, taking packages from my hands, and trying to carry things for me. It would have been sweet, had I not still been angry with him. 

He went to the airport to get my daughter, I went to teach my class, and I got a break from him, and some distance.

When he returned, I was still angry with him, but had decided to give him yet another chance. We've been dealing with this same type of issue for the last 10 years. We found a solution in flr once... we had 2 years of awesome when we followed a strict flr. I want that back again.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I remembered something I read when I was first learning about flr.  Someone (I do not remember who) said something to the effect of: If a dominant is doing a good job leading her submissive, she will have absolutely no reason to be angry or upset with him. His mistakes should be viewed as learning opportunity for the dominant.

Then, I just felt guilty. If my Knight's failure to follow his lists is my fault, then I am a really rotten dominant.

I started to question myself.. "Am I a bad dominant"? I've been mulling this over for the last 24 hours or so. I've come to the conclusion that No.. I am not a bad dominant. I am an "uncomfortable and unsure dominant."

I should have punished my Knight for not presenting his list to me that very first evening. Instead I reminded him of the rule, and gave him another chance.  I should have punished my Knight on Friday night when I realized he had not fixed the hot plate on Thursday, and had not brought me his list on Thursday night and for causing me extra work and stress.

Punishing him would have been more effective, less stressful, and may have  brought us closer together in the end. Instead we argued and fought and snipped at each other Friday night, and most of the day Saturday.

On the Fence about Orgasm Denial.

With the restart of our flr, I've restarted our 20 questions game. For those who don't know, my Knight has a tough time talking about flr topics. He'll admit that the power dynamic works for us, that he feels happier and more emotionally secure under flr.  He won't/cant tell me what he wants from the arrangement or in what ways he'd like to see it grow and move.  So, to give him specific things to consider I started an ongoing game of 20 questions.I give him a question and a deadline. He replies with his answer and a question for me. (no deadline, though).

My first question last week was simple.. "Did you miss the tease and denial while we were on our flr break"

His answer "Of course I missed it." 

My next question was, "Would you give up orgasm denial and go back to "typical sex" if given the chance?

He answered by telling me " I don't know what you mean by "typical."

So.. I defined it as "not needing my permission to orgasm, and expecting to orgasm every time we had sex."

Then in another email on another subject he commented on the orgasm denial in a very positive way..so I asked him " How come you keep questioning the orgasm denial thing in one sentence, but tell me you like it in the next. Why are you so conflicted about it?"

He answered with,
"

I don't know, babe.  Probably flashback stuff...being forced to "go without" and "hold back" pushes all kinds of buttons with me, which I've gone to great lengths to un-wire...or thought I had, anyway.  "

By "flashback stuff" he means emotional crap created by his mentally-ill, emotionally abusive and sexually hung up ex-wife. He's been with me for just about 10 years now, and while he's improved a LOT, her treatment of him still rears its ugly head sometimes.   

Okay.. so I get that, and I'm very ... very aware of the damage his ex did to him. I keep it in mind when I decide when and how he gets to orgasm, and how long he goes in between. I'm so aware of it that I hesitated to even bring up the idea of orgasm control to him at first. When I finally did, I presented it as a game I wanted to try, and gave him the ability to "opt out" of the "tease and denial game." He's also allowed to ask to orgasm..with no promise that I will grant the request, but no repercussions for asking, either.

And yet......in the.. 2? 3? years that I've been controlling his orgasms, I have never once seen it have an adverse effect on him. Not only has he never asked how to "opt out" but he has not.. not even once..asked me to allow him an orgasm.  Further. over the last 3 months things have been pretty tense between us.. there has been little to no sex play at all. And yet..he admitted to me that he did not masturbate at all during that time, for the simple reason that it is against my rules. (yes. I believe him)

What *does* have bad effects is when we go a while without much sex play at all. We've been known to go 3 months or more with little to no sex play at all. Mostly that happens either:

1.When I'm super stressed out over something
2.When we're off the flr and I'm irritated and upset with him
3. When I'm off my ldn. (It's an alternative med I take for the MS. Without it, I have just about no sex drive. With it, I'm almost always interested in sex)

Lack of sex play makes him depressed, moody, upset, needy, and just overall a pain in the ass. For the record.. number 2, is the reason for our recent 3 month break.

But when I make it a point to tease, and then deny him often, he enjoys it.  He's generally content to enjoy whatever it is I'm doing to him. When I call done, he usually drifts off to sleep peacefully. He doesn't push, or ask for more, or try to "sneak" his way to an orgasm.  One time when I asked what he thought of it,  he told me "I like it too much"

So..  I am confused about why he is conflicted about orgasm denial. To all outward appearances he seems to love it.. craves it sometimes even.  Sometimes he tells me he loves it, and other times he tells me he's still not sure.  I'm wondering if he just seems to enjoy the tease and denial because he knows I expect it.. or if he really does love it as much as he shows....

Mostly, though, I'm wondering how I can help him to become less conflicted about it... how I can help him let go of the negatives he associated with his ex- hang ups and give himself to the joy of orgasm denial... because I'm not likely to give that up any time soon. 

By the way.. in case you're wondering.. here is how I answered his email..  

um.. can I point something out?  we play *more* since we started this.. and we're more playful about sex in general... the playing stops because we're irritated with each other.... ...

and really..I'm not making you "go without" as you put it.. because you can always ask. I'm not "forcing" you to do anything...there has always been an "opt out" option.. .. and you've never once asked about the "opt out option" . It's not forcing you because you agreed to it.

You must be hiding it well, because it doesn't seem to bother you when I tease and play..and have you wait. You seem like you enjoy it, baby...........It obviously bothers you when we don't play at all.. and that usually happens because I'm stressed or irritated or off my LDN,or I've been lax about flr stuff..

 and I can honestly say you are a much better lover when I'm in control of the final outcome..... you were too busy rushing to get to the end to slow down and pay attention to the process.  Before it seemed like every time we touched at all you expected to get to the end.. there was no playing just to play.. and  sex was mostly about you.. I can't count the number of times you rolled over and went to sleep because you were done.(.hundreds.. ) and totally forgot about me.. plus,there was very little emotional connection during sex..you stayed closed off..You were only half there..........It made me irritated, resentful and there were more than a few times that I avoided sex completely because I knew it would be just another repeat of the same.. you'd get off, and then go to sleep and forget about me. And..when I tried to talk to you about it you didn't listen. 

Since we started the tease/denial thing.. you pay more attention...not only to me..physically, but to the energy and emotions..in bed and out..  and you pay more attention to what you're feeling.. you seem to pay more attention to the process.. you get totally lost to the sensations, 

............and you're incredibly, and adorably sexy squirming under my touch.... lost to everything except what I'm doing to you.