Will We Ever Get This?

It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks. Of course the holiday season always is, but I feel like I've been pulled in every direction possible lately. I've just had no time at all to sit down and write here. Of course, it doesn't help that I moved my computer to a standing desk, and the only place to put the standing desk was in the den where the kids could see my screen. I can't very well write about flr topics with in the view of the munchkins. This afternoon, I decided I'd been gone from Qnk long enough, and I moved my laptop back into my office so I can write in peace.

How's the flr been going since I last wrote?  Okay.. not great, but okay. Most of the things I'm not happy with are my own doing - following in to routine, not paying enough attention to flr matters. The typical issues for us. Knight became extremely lax with following rules again and I read him the riot act about two weeks ago. I told him that I won't be pushed into any kind of regular punishment, and that I expected him to do this MY way. My way is that he meets my expectations even when I'm not enforcing them. I expect him to meet my expectations for no other reason than they ARE my expectations. I told him that I really resent having to double check and make sure he did what he was supposed to like he were a child. We may be practicing an flr, but I expect him to act like an adult.
He admitted that he'd been slacking off because I wasn't paying attention.

 I'm trying to come up with things we can add to our daily routines that will underscore the flr dynamic and bring it to the forefront for both of us. So far, everything I've tried feels forced and silly. Once or twice I tried something that I found interesting and cool, only to have the whole thing fall flat when he didn't respond at all.. just stood there looking confused. I hate feeling stupid.... so that went nowhere. 

No big failures.. just lots of little ones that are adding up. I've talked to knight about it, and he still maintains he wants to keep the flr, but has no idea where he wants it to go. I asked him what his goals were for our marriage.. where he sees us in 5 years. He had lots of ideas.. but they were all "stuff oriented" .. adding on to the house, building a new shed, going on a trip.. things like that. When I asked him about flr goals he had nothing.

So often, I feel like I'm doing this by myself... he says he wants the flr, but does very little to help me make that dynamic work. I need to know.. to see what about this dynamic makes him happy.. I need  to know what he wants from this, and I need him play along when I try to explore and play with being dominant. Most of the time it seems that he only responds when I get angry or lose patience with him.

Erotica and Porn Suggestions?

When I met knight he was into collecting porn movies. He still collected them after he and I got together, but he never watched them. He asked me once if I was into porn, and my answer was that while I'd never gone out of my way to watch it, I didn't have a problem with it. I told him that if he asked, I'd watch porn with him. He never asked.

Once, early in our relationship (before we'd even moved in together) knight asked if it was okay for him to download and trade erotic pics. I gave him permission as long as 1. I always had full access to what he was trading and downloading. He was to hide nothing and 2. he NEVER shared a pic of me. and, 3. He always cleared the browser history and closed windows when he was done. He was to leave no trace of his activities on the family computer.  I had two young teen daughters at the time, and I was concerned about what they might see, and their opinions of knight. 4. He was never to trade pics without my knowing about if first.

Seemed fair to me. Remember that this was before flr. As far as I understood, we were in a 50/50 relationship. Had I realized what we had then, I would have handled it differently, but that's another story.

Anyway.. one day a few years ago, knight and I had a discussion about whether or not some famous chick had done any nude pics. I didn't think she had. Later that evening, knight went on an internet search to prove me wrong. He found what he was looking for, but I wasn't home, so he downloaded the picture. No problem there. But, when I came home, I found the download window open with a name that made it obvious what it was.

I was furious. Knight was in a whole lot of trouble for a very long time. One of the things that I did at that point was ban all porn. He was no longer allowed to view, read, download, or trade any type of adult material. Just done.

I told him that from that point on, I would decide if, when , where, and what adult images he could view.  That was a couple years ago. I'm not sure if it was pre-flr or post-flr. It was probably within the same year that we started flr. Knight has followed that rule without question.

I've been thinking about fun ways to tease and play with knight a bit more, and I've decided that it would be fun to watch a little porn together, or to read an erotic story or two together. (one that I didn't write)


So.. I'm asking for suggestions. He's not going to like any of the D/s themed stuff, so I need something that has an flr component without being blatantly D/s. I like tasteful, well done porn that has at least some sort of a plot. He has a cuckolding fantasy, so that's okay.  I like tastefully done porn, with enough of a plot to get my imagination going. I prefer no obvious plastic surgery, Other than that, I'm pretty open.

Within those guidelines, what are your, and your lady's favorite porn movies, or erotic stories?

Sweet Evening

Yesterday was one of the few evenings we didn't have anything going on. No kid activities, no music rehearsals, nothing. I planned a quiet dinner and a movie with the kids. After dinner I told my 12 yr old son to  pick a movie while my 13 yr old took care of dinner clean up.  Nothing spectacular.  I settled down in my favorite spot with some knitting and we started the movie. Knight was in the office moving files from his laptop to our server computer. I called him in to us when the movie started. Knight stood in front of the couch for a minute,considering. Then he walked out of the room. A few minutes later he came back with my knitting light and a hot cup of tea. He placed the tea down to my right, set up my knitting light, and then sat down on the floor in front of me.  He curled his arm around my leg and rested his head on my knee.  I acknowledged him by putting my knitting aside and taking his pony tail out so I could play with his hair. I spent 15 or 20 minutes running my hand through his hair, and then I went back to my knitting.  Knight stayed there until the movie was over.

It's really a non-event, but it was one of those moments that make you stop and look carefully at what's going on around you. Knight was comfortable expressing the submissive side of himself by sitting at my feet, and I made it a point to show him I had acknowledged, and accepted his submission.  When he took up his spot at my feet, wrapped around my leg, I felt special. It was sweet, and somehow romantic, and precious.

We struggle with flr. Mostly because of my fiercely independent nature. I'm a "treat people as you want to be treated" kind of person. I strive to be kind, fair, and understanding in everything I do. Especially with those I care about. Even though I'm a natural leader, dominating my husband - the person who is my life  partner - goes against my nature.   At the same time, I know it makes him happy for me to be in control, and our marriage works better when I am in control. If I had not taken control we would most likely have divorced years ago. The reality is that we've been in an FLR  since the day we started dating. It just took me several years to figure it out.

Knight's actions last night showed me that we are both making progress. We're both becoming more comfortable openly expressing the dynamic that has been there all along. We're both learning to embrace this,and that can only lead to good things for us.

History Repeats Itself

I'm pretty upset with myself right now. We've repeated the same damned cycle again. I realized this morning that I've been letting knight get sloppy again. I've been allowing him to skip out on bringing his task list to me every night, I've allowed him to get lazy and sloppy in the bedroom, and I have not insisted that he follow the rules.

The positive is that I recognized, and addressed, these things after one week, not the typical month or more.


Yesterday there were three different times when I felt knight was either overstepping is place, being inconsiderate, or simply not thinking. Then, it happened again this morning - twice- before he left for work. None of these incidents were major. It was all small stuff.

• Not speaking to me when he came into the library 
• sitting across the table from me (instead of next to me)
• getting involved in something on his laptop instead of working on the writing project
• not telling me he was just a little closer to orgasm that I though he was this morning. I ruined it, but he did not have my permission
• not making my coffee this morning.

As I made my coffee (he was in the shower, and I didn't want to wait for the coffee), I thought about these minor irritations, and the comments some of my readers have made over the last month or so. 

It occurred to me that knight is having these minor slips because I'm not doing my job.. not fulfilling my role as leader, and not insisting he follow the rules. He's not feeling my control because I've slipped again. Knight is - on some level- trying to push me into taking that control again.

Once again, I didn't set out to loosen my hold on knight, but it happened anyway.  I've given a good deal of thought to why I slacked off. Here's what I came up with.

• Thanksgiving holiday. I simply became lax because of the change in my routine
• My oldest daughter came home for a week. She went back to school on Tuesday morning. I toned down the more obvious stuff. For example, knight didn't sit on the floor in front of me once while she was here, and I got my own evening meds when the alarm went off. I usually ask knight do get it for me. 
• I'm focused on making a very tight writing deadline. My attention has simply been elsewhere. 
• Uncertainty about the training thing. I've been avoiding the additional training knight asked for because I've been unsure where to start.

Knight has reacted to each of these things.

•  While my daughter was here, knight asked me several times if I was upset with him. I wasn't, and I told him so. It didn't occur to me that he felt neglected because I wasn't allowing him to do as many things for me with oldest daughter here.
• Knight has been slightly withdrawn and seemed kind of down over the last couple days. I've asked him what was wrong, but each time he told me nothing. (remembering that knight often doesn't openly admit or recognize when he's feeling a lack of my control)
• Knight has asked for step-by-step instructions on things he should not need them for. 
• He's been questioning himself more over the last few days.
• He's been physically distant. 

I'm happy that I recognized what was going on before it became a problem In the past, this kind of thing has become a downward spiral. I am not going to let that happen this time.

Here is how I am remedying the situation.

• While knight was getting dressed this morning, I told him that he's been getting sloppy again. I spelled out each incident of sloppiness yesterday and this morning,and told him that even though I was lax over the holiday, I expected him to maintain the standards. 
• At the same time I told him I expect the sloppiness to stop immediately.
• I told him he's been careless and inattentive when it comes to sex, and that's not acceptable.
• I sent him an email telling him exactly what I want for breakfast in the morning, and when he told me he wasn't sure how to make it, I reminded him where the recipes are kept. (instead of simply giving him the recipe)
• When he gets home from activities with the kids this evening I'm going to ask for a full body massage. He's going to spend as long as I want him to rubbing his favorite scented oil into my body while we watch an adult movie. He will be denied orgasm and I won't directly touch his cock.
• Tomorrow morning I will begin teaching knight how I want him to wake me up each morning. 
• I am making a list of things I want knight to learn. I will start teaching him one item from the list each week.
• I'll make it a point to resume using phrases that remind knight he belongs to me.

More Training - Not Sure Where to Start

Before Thanksgiving, knight told me it would help him if I spent time teaching him what I want from him in various situations. He said that he is often unsure of what I want him to do,and how I want him to react. This conversation came up when we were discussing flr issues a few weeks ago. I asked him if it would help if I took the time to teach him exactly what I want from him in every situation. Not only did he answer "yes," but he was extremely relieved that I offered.

Okay.... I'm willing to put the training time in, but really I don't have the foggiest idea where to start. Many of the situations knight is unsure of seem... obvious and second nature to me. Simple things - like pick up the plate from the table as you walk by, or stick to the shopping list at the store, or don't always wait for me to initiate sex play.. these are simple "no brainer" things for me. But, when knight and I discus them, he really is unsure of what I want from him. We've been together for over 10 years, and  there is a part of me that thinks, "really.. if you don't know me by now, then you really don't pay attention."  I'm not difficult, I don't hint, I try very hard to be clear and concise in my expectations of knight.

As a woman who has grown up in the modern word, I feel like "training" my knight should be unnecessary. He should pay as much attention to me, my habits, feelings and needs as I do to his.

As the wife of a submissive guy, I get it. (kind of)  I know my knight well enough to understand that his entire being and self worth is tied up in "doing what (she) wants", and "making (her) happy."   If I am even a little bit upset or disappointed in him, my knight's world falls apart.

I am proud of my knight for being honest and telling me that he feels like he needs more "training." And, as the leader of our flr, I'm willing to provide that training. 

So, the next question is: Where do I start? And, that's where I get hung up.
For the most part, knight's daily task list covers everything I want him to do on any given day. If directions are needed for a task, I include them in the list. I have written out a bedtime routine that knight follows each evening, and I'm working to develop a morning routine, as well.  To my thinking, that should be enough. But, I know it's not.

A big part of this is that knight wants to feel my influence in everything he does. I get that. ( I don't understand it, but I get that is his motivation). So, my task is to start his training in the area where he will most feel my influence.

And, that's the issue. I don't know where that is. Sure, I could ask him.. and I probably will, but I'm expecting an answer similar to what I usually get in these instances, "I don't know babe, whatever you think is best." or "Whatever you think is best." or even "where ever  you want."

Which doesn't help.

What is most important to me? I don't have an answer for that because knight does a decent job of doing what I ask of him when I ask it. (for now, anyway, regular readers know that isn't always the case)

I think.. what is most important to me is that we find ways for both of us to feel the flr dynamic in everything we do... all the time... because we both seem to be happier, more content and closer to each other that way.

Getting there, is the challenge. 

Thanksgiving Holiday

We had a nice Thanksgiving holiday. My oldest daughter came home on Weds, she's leaving to go back to school and work tomorrow morning. An old friend came down to join my family for the holiday. I haven't seen her in 20 some odd years. It was great to spend the day catching up. Daughter number 2 joined us for part of the day via video chat technology. It's been a pleasant week.

As usual during such times I've been struggling to maintain the level of flr that knight seems to need. When things are going well, it's a challenge for me to focus on maintaining that show of power that he needs. If things are going well, and knight is caught up on his tasks, what is there for me to show? I know that kind of thinking is what gets us into trouble, and I'm working on it. I'm just not sure how to best remind him of the power dynamic when things are going well.

For his part, knight is doing well right now, although he's been a little distant over the last day or so. I think he's feeling the lack of obvious power play. I'd like to come up with something we can do tonight after the kids go to bed, but it's not likely to happen. We all have to leave the house tomorrow morning at 4 to get oldest daughter to the airport for her flight. He's going to have to wait until tomorrow evening.

Knight has been completing his tasks, and doing as I ask. On Thanksgiving Day knight took over in the kitchen, and entertained her son so my friend and I could spend some time talking and catching up. He did this without my having to ask.  Yesterday knight was unsure of what I wanted from him at one particular moment. It was obvious to all of us that he was struggling.. but, he turned to me and very plainly told me "I don't know what you want me to do right now." I told him and he went off to do it. Oldest Daughter looked at me a little funny, but didn't say anything, and she and I went back t what we were doing.  I was proud of my knight for clearly telling me that he was unsure instead of flipping from task to task like he sometimes does.

Even though I've been careful to give knight detailed instructions while Oldest Daughter has been here, I get the very definite impression that he wants more overt control from me. I'm still learning how to give him what he's looking for.

A Productive Weekend

Friday night, I went to bed upset and irritated with my knight. We had been talking about the pizza incident off and on all day, and it seemed that every time he opened his mouth he made things worse. What I trying to understand was if I had gone too far with telling him he could only have one piece of pizza. I wasn't satisfied with the answers he was giving me because he wasn't answering the questions. 

All I was really getting from him was "yes, I was upset about the pizza incident, but I'm over it." But he refused to tell me what, exactly had upset him. Was it the misunderstanding when he assumed I meant don't have to much instead of "Don't have more than one piece" , like I said; or was he upset that I took things a step further than I usually do and dared to tell him what, and how much, he could eat. (although, in reality, I tell him what he can eat all the time. I do the cooking, and I make the grocery shopping lists, he makes his daily lunch from items at home, AND he emails me for permission before he goes out to lunch with co-workers)  He avoided answering the deep questions that I really wanted answers to.

I believe that when there are hard feelings between us those feelings should be dealt with openly and swiftly. I don't believe in letting things go unattended. That leads to anger and resentment, so I very much wanted to understand what it was that knight was upset about.

It seemed that we were talking past each other, which rarely happens to us via email. He said a few things that came across as snapping at me, other times he was talking in circles, and not responding to the most important parts of my emails. Because he didn't seem to be "listening", a lot of what he said came across as hurtful. Friday evening when knight came home from an activity with the kids we settled in with a movie and tried again. That didn't go any better. There was a lot of silence coming from knight and what he did say made little sense to me. And, really I don't think he understood what I was trying to say, either. At some point Friday, I asked knight if he still wanted to continue the flr, or if he wanted to give it up and go back to 50/50. His answer? "Is that what you want?"  By midnight, we went to bed both frustrated, hurt and confused as to why this blew up on us.  After he thought I was asleep, I heard knight whisper very quietly, "Your feelings are more important to than mine."  I was thinking about how to respond to that when I fell asleep.

Saturday morning I woke up before he did. I stayed in bed and thought about what had happened over the last few days. Why were we bickering over this? I had given him an instruction, and he had not followed it. It really was that simple. His feelings had been hurt by something, but I still was unsure what that was. I can't fix it, if I don't know what I did to upset him. At the same time, he had said some very hurtful things the day before. I thought about his whispered words the night before, and all the times he'd made similar comments.  I also know that his words and his actions weren't agreeing. I stayed there, with him snuggled behind me, for probably 45 minutes thinking about all of this.

Finally, it dawned on me that maybe.. just maybe this wasn't my problem. Could it be that knight didn't really mind my pizza directive, but that he THOUGHT he should mind, and was acting on that? Could it be that he really did understand why I had made the request, and why I had punished him for not following it, but that years of trying to fit in to a male dominated world made it difficult for him to accept that I had punished him for something as simple as a piece of pizza? Was all this a matter of him still having a hard time accepting that his is just happier as a submissive? It started making sense in my head.

I started moving around a little to wake knight up. He's a light sleeper - or maybe he's just super tuned into me - If I roll over, he rolls over with me. If I get up for something and don't whisper where I'm going, he will wake up to look for me. That being the case, I can wake him up by simply moving away from him, and that's what I did. I flipped him over on his back and laid across his chest with his legs trapped between mine. He settled in, and I heard him sigh. When I was sure he was awake I asked him what the hell happened the day before. I told him what I'd been thinking and told him I was not willing to give up the flr. Not now, probably not ever. 

He pulled me closer to him (as if that was possible at that point), and kissed the top of my head.  "I really didn't meant to snap at you in that first email. Think about it a minute babe. I don't snap at you. I can count on one hand the number of times I've snapped at you in 10 years."

He was right, and I told him so. Then I asked him, again, if he had been upset that I had dared to tell him what he could eat.

"At first, yeah, But, I really am over it now. You were right, and I screwed up. I should have listened." Then, he added, "Babe, I don't answer the flr questions because I have no freaking clue what you want me to say. I don't know how to answer because I don't know what you want to hear. You know I don't know what to do when I don't know what you want from me. It's the same thing. I'm not ignoring you, baby. I really don't know what you want me to say. If I tell you I want to continue the flr, and you're fed up with it, then I'm making you do something you don't want to. And I never want to do that."

Oh.

So, I told him, "Baby, it's okay that you are this way. Flr isn't going to drive us apart. I'm not going to get tired of it. I know that you're uncomfortable admitting that this works for you, but it's okay with me. And, really, nobody else's opinion matters. I love you, just the way you are. Including the flr part.I know you struggle with this, but it really is okay."

At this point, my knight was almost in tears.

"Baby, if I could make ONE change about you, it would be that you were able to make yourself more clear about what you were asking for all those years ago. I would not change the flr part of you. It's sweet, and I love you for it."

We talked for a little longer. I reassured him that I flr is not a burden or a problem for me. Sometimes it's hard for me, but I really don't mind. I told him that I want him to relax and let his desire for flr stuff to come through, that he doesn't have to pretend, and that I know he needs the flr emotionally, and that's it's okay. Then I told him, "I will take the flr stuff where ever it needs to go for you to get what you need. I will follow the flr where ever it leads us, but I need you to be honest with me about what you want. I can't do this if you hide things."

He agreed to try to be more forthcoming with information.
 

Then, I asked him, "Would it help if we backed up a bit and went back over what I expect from you in every situation?" Honestly, after 10 years, I expected him to tell me no. But, I was wrong.

He nodded. "It would help a lot. I never feel like I know what you want from me."


Shortly after this we got up. While he was cooking our breakfast I reminded knight about the writing assignment he had due by 10 pm. He said, "Yeah, one more thing I have no freaking idea how to answer."

"Wait,baby.. I have you write out the flr stuff so you have a chance to think about it without me standing over your shoulder. It's supposed to give you space to say what you need to without having to do it to my face. It's intended to help."

My knight sighed. "Well, it makes it harder because I don't know what you're looking for or what you want."

I told him to forget the writing, then. We'd talk about it in person that evening. We did, and it went well. 









So.. I have some training matters to attend to with knight. I didn't try to use the word submissive during the conversation at all because in the past he's been uncomfortable with the word. I didn't want to stall the conversation because of semantics. I'm still not entirely sure what I need to train my knight on, exactly. So, I'm going to pretend we are starting from absolute scratch and re-teach him everything. He'll tell me if I'm trying to teach him something he already has a handle on.

Oh..and the rest of the weekend was absolutely wonderful. Knight was the perfect sub all day Saturday and Sunday, and he was very open with is desire to, and happiness in being submissive to me. In fact, he even sat on the floor in front of my feet every chance he got.