Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Will We Ever Get This?

It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks. Of course the holiday season always is, but I feel like I've been pulled in every direction possible lately. I've just had no time at all to sit down and write here. Of course, it doesn't help that I moved my computer to a standing desk, and the only place to put the standing desk was in the den where the kids could see my screen. I can't very well write about flr topics with in the view of the munchkins. This afternoon, I decided I'd been gone from Qnk long enough, and I moved my laptop back into my office so I can write in peace.

How's the flr been going since I last wrote?  Okay.. not great, but okay. Most of the things I'm not happy with are my own doing - following in to routine, not paying enough attention to flr matters. The typical issues for us. Knight became extremely lax with following rules again and I read him the riot act about two weeks ago. I told him that I won't be pushed into any kind of regular punishment, and that I expected him to do this MY way. My way is that he meets my expectations even when I'm not enforcing them. I expect him to meet my expectations for no other reason than they ARE my expectations. I told him that I really resent having to double check and make sure he did what he was supposed to like he were a child. We may be practicing an flr, but I expect him to act like an adult.
He admitted that he'd been slacking off because I wasn't paying attention.

 I'm trying to come up with things we can add to our daily routines that will underscore the flr dynamic and bring it to the forefront for both of us. So far, everything I've tried feels forced and silly. Once or twice I tried something that I found interesting and cool, only to have the whole thing fall flat when he didn't respond at all.. just stood there looking confused. I hate feeling stupid.... so that went nowhere. 

No big failures.. just lots of little ones that are adding up. I've talked to knight about it, and he still maintains he wants to keep the flr, but has no idea where he wants it to go. I asked him what his goals were for our marriage.. where he sees us in 5 years. He had lots of ideas.. but they were all "stuff oriented" .. adding on to the house, building a new shed, going on a trip.. things like that. When I asked him about flr goals he had nothing.

So often, I feel like I'm doing this by myself... he says he wants the flr, but does very little to help me make that dynamic work. I need to know.. to see what about this dynamic makes him happy.. I need  to know what he wants from this, and I need him play along when I try to explore and play with being dominant. Most of the time it seems that he only responds when I get angry or lose patience with him.


  1. Do you both follow the rules?


    1. Yes, appy, I make it a priority to meet my responsibilities in our flr. I manage his time, I help him manage his writing projects, I send him daily lists, so he knows exactly what is expected of him throughout the day and when he gets home. I manage all our money, and our social calendar. I am fully responsible for homeschooling our kids, plus I write part time, and manage a natural health business part time as well. I plan rewards, I track and manage his orgasms, and monitor his mood to make sure he doesn't go to long in between. I look for ways to add fun to the dynamic, I play, I tease.. heck, I've given up my early rising on Saturday morning because that is the only time we really have for any extended tease sessions. I call him on it when he misses items on his task list, or doesn't follow his nightly routines. I do everything I can possibly do to maintain the flr. But, I get nothing from him in return. If I don't constantly stay on him, he gets sloppy and careless. Hell, there was a time recently where I realized it had been three months he had taken the time to bring me to orgasm. Three months. Meanwhile, I was making it a point to give him a decent cock tease at least every couple days. He had not had an orgasm in 6 weeks or so, but that was planned and intentional.

      Yes, I feel like I can honestly say I do my best to do what I promised to do.

  2. I can understand your frustration. It took lots of communication and detail massaging in order to get the FLR that My Lady and I share to flow naturally.

    Even though an FLR is naturally "female led," he should have some input as to what he wants out of it. After all, it's something you both choose to do in order to enhance your relationship. It might help to explore his motivations, and figure out exactly why he only responds to "negative feedback."

    - cagedmonkey

    1. I've tried talking to him about motivations and such.. Repeatedly, and often. So often, in fact that it was too much, and he was getting frustrated because he didn't have answers for me.

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  4. Hi Angelique,

    Forgive me, and this may sound critical although it isn't intended to be but when you said ... "he says he wants the flr, but does very little to help me make that dynamic work" ... on the surface it appears that it you that allows him to behave that way. Logically, to him, it is ok for him to behave that way mainly because he is allowed to behave that way. Perhaps you either have just let your leadership and discipline wane over time (it happens) or you are simply not the leader type and this is how it manifests itself in your FLM. Again, please know I am not trying to be critical.

    My Mistress Wife and I recently went through a very similar thing in that my behavior was eroding and she found herself getting frustrated. Until, one day she woke up and remembered that not only did she have the ability to correct my behavior to suit her desire, she had the obligation to do so relative our recently exchange wedding (renewal) vows. She told me that the conversation was made easier when right after she brought it, I reminded her to not wrongly assume that corrective action on her would be perceived as a negative or bad thing on my part. I said "remember, I truly do get my pleasure from seeing you have pleasure".

    Things aren't perfect now but they are WAY better and we couldn't be happier.

    Excellent post. Thank you.

  5. I don't feel that my leadership has slipped. In fact, I feel like I'm being more of a leader because I have told him exactly what I expect from him. I expect him to do as I tell him. Period. End of discussion. I don't feel I should have to punish him when he doesn't do as I tell him - to my way of thinking that situation should never happen. He agreed to flr.. he asked for me to direct him, to tell him what to do. I agreed. Now, I expect him to follow though. I have made time in my daily schedule to plan out is tasks around the house and his writing projects (because he agreed that was part of the deal), it's my responsibility to make sure he gets time to write. I do all those things. I manage and and plan his orgasms. I handle the budget, and pay all the bills. I organize and delegate housework, spending money and everything else you can think of.

    In return, I expect him to do as I tell him..without the need for punishment.

    Yet, he pushes and tests. I feel like I'm putting a lot into our flr, and getting so little out of it.

    Obviously I'm doing something wrong. I read somewhere that if dominant woman has cause to be angry with her submissive man, it's likely the woman's fault. Okay.. fine.. I can accept that. Then I need to figure out where I'm going wrong and why he won't do as I ask.

  6. Maybe you are describing a classic need for punishment. A memorable one at that. A true punishment



Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...