Over the weekend my Knight and I were talking some more about FLR details.. you know.. where he wants to see this go.. how far he's looking to take this .. things like that. Bottom line seems to be that he doesn't know, but does want to explore it more deeply. During our conversation he made the comment, "I've always been like this. I really don't understand your focus on it"
Hmmm.. another one of those comments that just kind of threw me. Yes, he's always been submissive. I know that. He's been doing the "stealth submission " thing with me since day one, I just didn't recognize it until recently. He was submissive before I came along - I know enough about his first marriage to be sure of that, although that's not why they split up.
It's the not understanding my focus on it that surprises me. I mean... in order to chart our relationship to somewhere we both want it to go I need to understand his "submissiveness" - the why's and hows and what's of it. Because I even recognizing that he will go where ever I lead, I would like us to be on the same page. I never want to lead him where he truly does not wish to go.
Am I over thinking all of this by trying to understand what he needs and wants from being my submissive? I do tend to over think things, but understanding his submissive buttons is important, isn't it? You can't be a good manager or leader unless you understand what motivates those you lead.
That's my focus.... trying to understand and learn to put his submission to work for us instead of it working against us like is was before.
I'm convinced my Knight's lack of understanding of why I'm focusing on this is because submission is so deeply rooted in who he is. On Monday he said something that sums up to " I wish I could quit my job and devote every minute of my life to you." Those were not his exact words, but that they accurately reflect his meaning. I have no intention of turning the kids' education over to him and going back to work full time, so he's going to have to be content in knowing by working full time outside the home he is performing an important task for me. And.. someday, (hopefully soon) when we get our various businesses and freelance activities marketed well and they are able to support the family, he may quit his 9-5 job and work from home.
This is a learning process, more for me than for my Knight. He is finally able to relax and be himself without worrying about what I'm going to think. After 7 years I've finally recognized and accepted his submission instead of trying to force him into a mold in which he does not fit. I'm not sure that he knows where he wants this to go..... or maybe he does and he's just waiting for me to figure it all out. I don't know.
Either way, it's my job to get over my reluctance to truly lead and explore this some more