Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A Rant.

Note: If you don't want to listen to me rant, bitch and probably cuss like a sailor about some stupid freaking thing my Knight has done... then skip this post, because I am livid..... and have absolutely *nothing* nice to say right now.


Let me start by saying that I believe in absolute, no exceptions honesty between my Knight and myself. I have never, and will never as much as stretch the truth with him. I do not tell white lies to spare feelings (his or anybody else's), and I have not and will not ever do anything behind his back  I am one of those people who, when you ask them a question you get a brutally honest response because I believe that if you value a person, then that person deserves the truth 100% of the time. I don't make promises I can't keep, and if my Knight and I agree to something, I stick to that agreement even if my heart is not in it.  The quickest and most sure way  for my Knight to hurt my feelings and completely piss me off is to be in anyway dishonest with me. I believe honesty and trust between partners is the single most important aspect of a marriage.

So.. what did he do? He borrowed money from a friend behind my back  The person in question is a good friend, more like adopted family, really. And  honestly.. we have about $300 that circulates between us when either of us has a need. She borrowed a couple hundred dollars from us earlier this year when she was out of work  We had something come up last week that cost us more than we had anticipated. It left us a bit short the day before payday. And.... he only borrowed $25. This is not about the money. If he had asked me if it was okay, I would have picked up the phone and asked her myself.

This is about honesty and being upfront. Yesterday my Knight and I looked at the situation and agreed that while things were way to tight for comfort, we'd be okay until his paycheck was direct deposited tomorrow morning. That was the end of it.. or so I thought.

Before he left work an hour ago, my Knight sent me an email.. "oh.. btw, I borrowed $25 from K"

Excuse me?!! What in the hell makes you think you can go behind my back and borrow money from anyone!..For that matter what makes you think it's okay to do ANYTHING  without checking with me first. And.. a few minutes ago I found out that he talked to this friend at 630 this MORNING and simply neglected to tell me.  His excuse? "I panicked"

Oh.. so that gives you the right to go behind my back, break a promise to me, ignore our entire FLR agreement AND borrow money without my knowledge?

I don't fucking think so. And sending me a text every 5 minutes claiming to be sorry you made me mad is not helping the situation.

Saying one thing and doing another is one of the things we had problems with before FLR. Granted, my Knight has never cheated on me but he was really horrible about saying he would do a thing and then never follow through. He was the king of "oops, I forgot to tell you." and "Yeah.. I said I'd do that... but.. "  It was so severe that I stopped believing anything he said... hell, our kids didn't believe him most of the time. "Mommy would you help me with this? Daddy said he would, but he'll just blow it off like he always does." He made it a habit of doing things and going places without telling me.  Over the years he totally destroyed my trust in him. It was one of the major things we argued about and when I agreed not to divorce him and we transitioned to the FLR one of the conditions was that he *never* go behind my back again. For *any* reason.

He's broken that one a couple times. The last time was about 3 months ago. I don't want to rehash the details, but he did something I specifically asked him not to do (and he agreed not to do) and then he tried to hide it. I was livid.. and hurt. I considered dropping the whole FLR arrangement because of his lack of respect for my decisions, and his inability to keep his word to me. Through a sea of tears (his.. not mine. I'm not much of a crier) he promised me he would never do anything behind my back again. Ever.

And here we are.. 3 months later in the exact same place. Sure.. things have gotten better. Saying one thing and doing another is no longer a daily issue. But..... it's not an issue I ever want to have to deal with. It shows a lack of respect for me and our marriage. Everybody runs into the occasional problem... "I didn't get to to the bank because traffic was bad and I needed to pick up the kid on-time"  THAT is no big deal.

Borrowing money from ANYONE in ANY amount after we discussed it and agreed it was not necessary is NOT the same thing.  This was blatantly and purposefully going behind my back and trying to hide it. And that is NEVER okay.

I can hear you guys asking.. "so.. what are you going to do about it?"

Honest answer.. right now.. I have no freaking idea. I am angry and hurt and simply can not believe he broke his word to me. I trusted him to keep a promise to me, and he has broken that trust. I am questioning everything right now.  If my Knight won't keep his promise to me, how much influence do I really have? If he can go behind my back over something so trivial (because really, if he had told me how much he was freaking out over this, I would have called K myself, just to set his mind at ease. ) how can I trust him about anything else.



5 comments:

  1. Mistress Angelique,

    The freedom to verbalize anger is one of the privileges of your station. A submissive is generally not permitted this same privilege. Further, it is permitted to express your anger in any way you find you would think most helpful, to you and/or him. It is a big step to get to this place and be able to be overt with your anger. It is a place of confidence in his role as your submissive, since he should rightly cower when you are angry (emotionally, not physically).

    I do wish you the best.

    Take care.

    -SH

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  2. Angelique, once and only once I betrayed Katie's trust. I was beaten for it. I will never forget having to kneel before her and then be beaten. The thougt that a grown woman, the woman I said I loved, would hit me with all her might out of anger because of what I did will forever stick in my mind. I mention it because I learned my lesson. I learned that we were not equals. I learned that I was not to go behind her back. I learned so many things.

    I don't know if that is where you are but as an educator you know that there are 'teachable moments' when one must sieze the moment to get the point, concept, lesson or whatever it is you are trying your 'student' to learn. You're husband exhibits that you don't particularly like. You need to find a way to brea those habits not to make him less of a man and husband but rather to make him into a better husband, father, lover, and sub. The leadership a Domme provides is not always easy. I wish you well as you decide how to correct his mistakes and mold him into the man you want him to become.

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  3. I think you need to allow for human weakness. Yes, it is upsetting, and yes, he should be punished -- judging from the degree it hurt you, severely. However, an FLR does not, in itself, cure bad habits, and you have made it clear that he has them.

    So this event becomes a chance to bring the misbehavior within the context of the FLR, and, as the prior poster said, mold him.

    I wish you well.

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  4. I think that you shouldn't over react to his mistake and shortcoming here in a way that you lose all trust in him, but use this as a chance to help him learn that these types of behaviors will not be tolerated. He needs to be punished for this in a way that really makes him think. One good way is to have him write sentences. Have him write a sentence (long one) that reflects his knowledge that his behavior was bad and what he is going to do to fix that going forward and then have him write it enough times, in an uncomfortable position, until his hand is cramped and those words really sink in. I had to do this with my whore once and after he wrote them all I had him kneel before me and then read me each sentence verbally too and then at the end of that repeat it once to me from memory.

    I find that pain isn't always the best punishment, sometimes something like this goes a lot further with really making someone think.

    Hope you two work this out.

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  5. What I believe is that most men lack an internal sense of discipline. They know what is right and wrong, but will often do the wrong thing because it is easier, or they simply become confused. It is really up to you to establish firm, clear rules that your man can understand. When dealing with a husband it is best never to take any thing for granted. Even though we have been together for many years, I still have John recite the basic rules of the hosue every so often.
    I question if you husband really honestly understands you are the boss in the house, and his persoanl mistress. Love, Kathy

    ReplyDelete