Thursday, January 16, 2014

He Is Whining Today

I understand that my knight is stressed over starting his masters program this week. I understand that he is mildly upset that he has not heard anything from the interview last Friday. But.......whining at me, trying to talk me into buying him a new laptop, and complaining about the structure (or lack of it) in his on-line classes is annoying. Since Monday, he's spent most of our time together complaining about how disorganized is classes are, and how bad the technology is. Some of his complaints are valid. His school email won't hook up to his Gmail account because of a problem on the school server side..that's valid. But some of his complaints are not valid. For example, he spent most of Monday complaining that his instructor gave them a huge website to review, and gave no idea of exactly what information they were supposed to concentrate on. Yet, when I read the assignment it was pretty clear what the instructor found important,and what she wanted them to learn. I offered to help and was told, "no, I've got it." Then he complained and whined for 2 full days about how he had no idea what he was supposed to be doing.

My knight is an above average intelligence type of guy. There is no reason for this kind of behavior from him.   I realize he is whining because he feels overwhelmed and is nervous about going back to school, but come on.. Seriously? He's not juggling 90% of the housework, 100% of the homeschooling, and running a small business like I did when I earned both my Bachelors and Master's degrees. All he's got to do is go to work, and come home, and do his schoolwork. I've even reduced his household responsibilities so they don't interfere with his school. He's got it about as stress free as college gets unless you're a teenager.

Then.. Over the last two days or so, he's been trying to convince me that he needs a new laptop. Yeah. he does. His laptop died about 2 years ago, and we have not replaced it yet. We have a desktop that the whole family uses, and we have "my" laptop.. which the whole family is allowed to use unless I am actively working. I've told him that multiple times. But.. he refuses to use the laptop because it's "mine." Which I think is dumb. He has my blanket permission to use "my" laptop when ever he needs it.  I am not spending money on a new, or even a used laptop out of his severance check when he does not have a new job lined up. In fact, I've told him repeatedly, there will be no unnecessary spending until he lands a new job. And yet, he keeps suggesting we buy this.. or that.. or hey, look at this cool computer I found for such a great price. Yes.. we will be getting a fairly good sized severance check tomorrow. No. I am not spending it on big purchases.. not even to pay off smaller bills. I will continue to make payments on things like we have been. When he lands another job that will support us, I will take the remainder of that severance package and invest it. In the mean time, it's not getting spent on extras.

Why is this so difficult for him to understand. It's basic, it's simple. Don't spend money you don't have. Yes, I am putting in applications and am willing to go back to work part time.. full time, if necessary.. but, again.. that does not mean that severance check will be spent.

...........and ........I guess this is why I took control of our finances to begin with. I'm going to have to be firm with him,and not allow his whining to convince me to spend money I'm not ready to spend.

6 comments:

  1. This is a really interesting post. I find his whining about the need for a new computer as one of manipulation. He can just feel that $ already in his hands and he wants to spend it on a present - for himself. I find the fact that he doesn't/won't use your laptop a way of topping from the bottom - another way to manipulate. I find that he wants to whine about not understanding an assignment that you readily understand and then refuse to let you explain it as another way to manipulate and get attention.
    I have an online friend who is a submissive. Apparently in their bedroom closet she had him screw in a large 'eye bolt' when he acts like 'that' she cuffs him, gags him, puts hear muffling headphones on him, a good over him and secures him (sitting) to that bult, shuts the closet light off, shuts the closet door and provides him with he tells me is 'think time'. He willl be there for anywhere from 45 min to a few hours. Might be time for you to consider the same. No pain. No humiliation. No discipline in front of the kids. Just a time to get him out of your hair and let him reconsider his attitude options. Have a great day.

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    1. I don't understand the whole concept of topping from the bottom. I can define the term.. I understand what it means.. But I don't understand why the non dominant partner would try to get their way by being difficult. What's the point? If you agreed the other partner should be dominant and make the decisions, why would you actively try to break that dynamic by being manipulative? (I don't mean you, specifically, I mean any non dominant partner, in general). When my knight expresses an opinion, I take it under serious consideration, because I expect it to be an honest opinion or desire. I may say no, or I may disagree with him. But that should be the end of it.. because he agreed to the flr. What am I missing here?

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    2. Angelique,
      Your husband is a unique bird. He refuses to be known as a submissive man and yet he 'needs to be led' as you've stated often. You have a laptop available and yet because it's not his, he refuses to use it. Why? I think that is a key question to answer. He doesn't understand an assignment,but you figure out what the prof is asking yet he doesnt' want to hear your input. Why? I think he's trying to hold onto something. I have no idea what, but just like your story of the heater that needed a new fan - he decided to do it 'his' way and on 'his' schedule. Why didn't he obey you and do it when you told him. You told him to go complete a list and review it with you nightly a few weeks ago and yet he chose not to obey you. Why? I could go on and on. I don't call that topping from the bottom as much as I call it being disobedient.

      You asked me why would he do that but why do so many people do bad things just to get attention? I don't know the answer but they do. Elementary kids do so all the time.

      I know that Katie would have sat me down once, told me where I failed and not let me slip again. I'd have no choice but to conform. I'm not one to see how far I can push her but I would suspect physical discipline would be her 'fall back' option if I refused to comply with her. I hope you figure this out, not only for your sanity but for him. There is a subliminal and at times, not so sublime resistance he keeps throwing at you that needs to be put to bed once and for all. I wish you well.

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  2. I can't help but agree with I'm Hers, this reeks of manipulation, pure and simple. He whines because he feels you will listen and respond to his complaints. You need to stop. As hard as it will be, just ignore him. He has figured out that the more he whines, the more load you take off his shoulders. This needs to stop, too. He needs to "man up" and take care of the things he needs to do. He wanted the FLR, he wants a Masters Degree. Pull up his big boy panties and git 'er done. Stop leaning on you as a crutch. None of what he is doing passes the litmus test I spoke of earlier and that is, making your life easier. Seeing the content of this post, I think you see it for what it is. Now you just have to deal with it as the dominant leader of the household. You are in charge. Let him know it in no uncertain terms.

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  3. Is that what he's doing? Using me as a crutch? Hmm.. a crutch for what? I could see a case for "acting like this so he'll have fewer things to do." I'm a do it myself kind of person, and if and when he screws things up,it becomes easier and less stressful for me to just do it myself. I'm working on not doing that.. on making him redo whatever it is he's messed up, and then making him continue to do that task until he starts getting it right. But, I don't see how he is using me for a crutch. Can you explain what you mean?

    He's not getting the new computer, I've already told him that. And, as of this morning, he's lost any and all input on the budget and finances for a long while. He screwed up big time this morning - like super major big time. A few weeks ago, he assumed certain information and presented it to me as fact. After asking if he verified it, and asking again, I acted on that information, and today I found out that it was not fact. It was only his assumption. There was no real way for me to verify the information myself- Employers tend to frown on having the employee's partner call, and I don't want to ruin his work reputation. But.. Now I have a huge mess to clean up. As a result, he's no longer allowed to even talk to me about money.

    As for his master's degree.. that was mostly my decision. He suggested it and I gave him my okay because I'm tried of him getting laid off or passed over for promotion in favor of the the person with the master's. I did let him pick his school. He chose to return to the school where he got is B.S. That seemed reasonable to me.

    I agree he needs to step up and take care of things he needs to do. I'm getting tired of the whining, and of fixing his screw ups.

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  4. My apology for a poor choice of a word. "Crutch" is not the right word. I think what you are doing is maybe "enabling" him a little bit by getting frustrated and doing something that he should be doing. We have all been guilty of it with our kids and even each other from time to time. The good thing is the task gets done, but by doing it ourselves and letting the other person off the hook, we are unintentionally encouraging the bad behavior we are trying to correct. Maybe this makes a little better sense,

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