Thursday, January 9, 2014

Keeping Focused

Things are hectic around here right now. My knight was laid off back in November. The company gave him several weeks notice. His last day is the middle of this month. So, since November he has been sending out resumes, talking to recruiters and participating in at least two interviews each week. We haven't had any offers yet, although there have been several good interviews. Tomorrow my knight has an interview with a company out of state. If there is a "perfect job at the perfect company" for my knight.. this is it. Needless to say, stress levels are a bit high for us right now.

One thing I've learned over the last couple years is that in times of high stress my knight needs me to keep a tight handle on the rules. My Knight is calmer, and more confident when I am strict in my expectations with him.  He also handles financial difficulties better, if he has absolutely no say in how money is spent, and no real idea of what is in the bank account. 

So, I am making it a point to look for rule infractions, and correct them, no matter how minor.  I am tightening up the rules surrounding money. Over the last year I've gotten sloppy about letting my knight check balances, spend money, and discussing budget issues with him. While we will be just fine even if it takes my knight several months to find a new job, I think that at this point, it's wise to cut him out of the financial process completely. That way he can't waste time stressing over it.

I'm also making it a point to remind him in words and actions, that he belongs to me. My knight does not handle rejection well, anyone who has done any kind of job hunting knows that the process is naturally full of rejection.

So far my efforts are paying off, I think. In the last week, since I decided to tighten our flr and go back to something more strict, I've noticed a change in my knight. He's making it a point to try and think ahead a little bit. He's less argumentative,and more attentive, and more involved.

4 comments:

  1. It is wonderful that you know him so well so you can use the insight you have to best handle the potentially stressful time to come. I hope his job hunt will not be too long though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Job rejections are very hard to handle. After four rejections you start to feel worthless and unworthy of a job. The more rejections one gets the deeper the feelings or worthlessness increase. Therefore, keeping your rules tight with appropriate punishments the better. However, within the punishment process please keep knights spirits up so he can continue to search for a job. This is a fragile time, but it is also a time when a FLM/FLR can bring two partners closer together.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was thinking the same thing that Dualpurpose wrote - how much a man (and a woman's) self esteem is tied to their work. It is who they are. It's how they identify themselves. It is how they contribute to taking care of you and the family. I hope you can balance keeping a firm hold on him as your submissive husband and yet let him know you love and admire him for who he is - irrespective of whether he is employed or not.

    As an aside, I know that when Katie took control of our finances I felt such freedom. I world of worry was lifted from me. Yes I sometimes ask "are we doing ok" but for the most part I just trust that we are because she has not indicated otherwise. All that to say that taking control of the finances for your family unit may provide the same sense of freedom from worry. I wish your husband well as he seeks a new job.

    ReplyDelete
  4. We've been through quite a few lay offs in the last six years. He's been either laid off, or had the company bought out from underneath him four..maybe five times, so we, unfortunately, do this frequently. I've had plenty of opportunity to figure out how to handle him during these times.

    I've learned that if I stay on top of our flr, my knight is happier, and more confident. I tend to lighten up on rules and flr stuff when he's under stress. It's an attempt to take some of the stress off, and make things easier on him, and that's the absolute wrong thing to do. He gets depressed, and decides that I don't want him, either... and things go to hell from there.

    I'm coming to understand that when I'm easy on enforcing our rules it causes my knight to question his place in my life. I don't understand it, But, that's the way it is. As far as job goes...my knight sees it as his place to support me and the kids. HOW he does that..what his job is seems to take second place in his mind. He works his current field because it pays the bills. He's going back to school for his Master's in his current field because he believes it will make him more "lay off proof", but he'd rather be travelling the country writing and doing photo shoots for some big magazine. He doesn't because that won't pay the bills... I've told him many times that I will happily go back to work so he can concentrate on his writing for a while. Each time, he asks me not to, because he feels it's his "job" .. his "purpose" to support us. So, I find him as much writing time as I can in every week.

    ReplyDelete