Thursday, January 8, 2015

Why Do We "Do FLR?" To Avoid THIS

I had planned to write a post talking about some of the changes I'm trying to make in regards to our FLR, and the good things I see coming out of our flr dynamic, but I just read the mail and I'm pissed.

Somewhere around April of last year my knight started classes for his his Master's in emerging technology. He decided to go back to school for a Master's degree after being laid off from a big national company. He thought having the higher degree would make less likely to be laid off in the future.

"Go for it," I told him.

 He started classes in April, shortly after we moved. By June, he decided he wanted to quit. He hated the program, and didn't see the relevance to his job, his career goals, or his writing. Plus he really resented the time it took from the kids. On a side note.. I respect and adore that about him --anything that "steals time" from me or the kids just is not worth it to him. Knight was having to skip family activities and time with the kids, and he was really upset about that. He started talking about quitting school.

 I told him, "If you resent the time it takes that much, and you want to quit, then quit. The kids won't be kids forever. Do what feels right to you.."

Two days later, he emailed the college and formally withdrew from the Master's program.

Enter the student loan people. Before knight started the Master's program, his student loan payments were based on his income with deductions for the the kids and basic expenses. Payments were something we could manage without doing without. When knight started the Master's program, his loan payments went on hold. When he quit school we knew we'd have to start making payments again after 6 months. He's making less now than he was before we moved, so we expected payments to be about the same amount.

Back in October, we received several letters from the company who holds his student loan. The letters made no sense because they contradicted each other. One week, we got three letters. Each said something different to the one before it. I checked his on-line account and that said something completely different than any of the three letters.  I told knight to call them and get it straightened out.

He went to his on-line account instead, and reported back to me what I already knew, "The online account says X."

I patiently explained that I knew that already -- after all, I set up the on-line account -- but that the letters they sent said something different and it needs to be addressed.

He called them, or at least claims to have called them, and told me they said to "disregard the letters , because they were wrong."

Okay.. now, that made no sense to me. I asked knight to call them back and speak to a supervisor. He told me he didn't need to.

I asked again... and again.. and followed up a fourth, fifth and sixth time.  He caught hell for not doing as I asked, and I handed down a punishment.

Then.. in November, we got more letters saying that if we wanted to sign up for the income based payments, he needed to log in to the account and submit the paperwork. I put this on his list.

His answer, "I've already done it.. The letters are wrong."

I told him to sign in and check..  make sure because his payments without the income based plan would be over 900$ a  month. We can't do that.

Again, he insisted it was fine, the letters were wrong. "The woman on the phone told me the old application would still apply."

I pointed out that the letter said differently and that I wanted him to sign in and take care of it.

He never did. When I called him on it, he argued and said that I was wrong.. or the letters were wrong because the chick on the phone said differently.

Two days ago, we got a bill for PART of his student loan payment for January. It was almost $300.  The bill was very clear that this was only a portion of it and the rest of the bill would be sent within a week. Today, I got that bill. It's for over $700 So. between the two bills, they want almost $1000 by Jan 21. Yeah... not going to happen.

So.. I emailed knight at work and told him to deal with this mess that he created. They told him that he was supposed to submit the application for income based payments back in November.  They said he can submit them now, but it's likely to take a couple months to process. The person on the phone canceled all payments due until the paperwork processes, so we don't have to make the almost $1000 payment this month

BUT.. I am sitting here wondering why in the hell we're trying to operate under an flr, if he won't follow my directions. Granted.. we took an flr break for awhile and part of this mess was during that break... and granted, he has been doing better lately, but these kind of screw ups were exactly what I was trying to prevent when we started flr. Yes, I'm partially at fault here for enforcing the flr inconsistently, I know that. But the root problem there is that I don't believe I should have to enforce it all. I expect him to do as he is told because he agreed that he would. He agreed to flr, therefore he agreed to do what I tell him whether he agrees or not, with certain, very specific exceptions.  So.. if he's going to blow me off then why, exactly, am I putting the time, energy and effort into flr?

Would it have made a difference if I had punished him more harshly? Maybe.. I suppose. But, again, it comes down to .. I feel punishments should be completely unnecessary. He should do what he's told simply because he agreed to flr, and asked me to take and maintain control over his daily life.
I mean.. get real here.. nobody has to threaten or punish me in order for me to do what is expected of me. I'm an adult. I am responsible to my kids, and I do what's needed because I have a responsibility to them. Done. He has a responsibility to me..the responsibility to do what I tell him.  He has this responsibility because he ASKED for it.

Punishment should be unnecessary.

And yet.. there is this stupid student loan mess to deal with because he did not do as I told him. 


  1. Even a sub has to do the basics of living without being directed or punished. i have two thoughts - If this is a United States for-profit college/university, the student loan program might have an illegal element to it. i would check with Your state higher education department, Your state's attorney, and/or the US Department of Education for a review and guidance. Then, if it were Mistress Barbara, i would be spanked for several day in a row or until i understood my basic responsibilities. Short of spanking, i would have a lot of new chores, and conversations, when the kids are not around, would be less than civil. Mistress Barbara would make it very clear that i was in BIG trouble. It is good to think Your FLR had been advancing. Keep working on it.....

    1. I concur with dualpurpose. If it were Mistress K., the level and severity of punishment would increase to the point where Mistress K. would not ultimately be the one that was mired in the mess or stress of the situation. I think you are allowing yourself to be frustrated about what he's not doing right in your flr rather than seeing to it that does them.

  2. There have been times when I have given John assignments he has been less than comfortable with. There have been times when he has not complied with my instructions in spite of us having a flm. I had the choice of either becoming very frustrated or punishing him. Guess which approached work best for me. Love, Kathy

  3. I suspect your Knight has ADHD (seriously). He should still do what he is told, but the various behavior you are listing seems to mirror what mine was before I got diagnosed as an adult. Basically, a lack of executive function that causes you to not to be able to focus (even if you want to). An FLR helps with focus but an FLR plus medication is even better.

    1. We both have ADD. Of course, "technically" we're also both on the Aspie spectrum, too. As far as that goes, our whole family (me, him and all 6 of the kids are on the Aspie spectrum) For us, it mostly shows itself with high IQ, and a complete lack of social interest. We are those people who could live in a house in the middle of no where and never see another human, and be completely content with that.. as long as we had each other. I insist we all do a few social oriented activities, because personal growth is important, but.. yeah. we're not stranger to ADD or Aspie-ness.

  4. Adult ADHD Symptoms..

    Avoiding tasks or jobs that require concentration
    Difficulty initiating tasks
    Difficulty organizing details required for a task
    Difficulty recalling details required for a task
    Difficulty multitasking
    Poor time management, losing track of time
    Indecision and doubt
    Hesitation of execution
    Difficulty persevering or completing and following through on tasks
    Delayed stop and transition of concentration from one task to another

    In an FLR you end up with your partner in effect acting like the part of your brain that isn't working correctly. What I found was the medication managed to bring me up to the point where I was managing to do all of my tasks. Prior to the combination, I would miss things.

    Anyhow... I hope that helps. Good luck.

    1. Yep.. fully aware, like I said, we both have ADD. Maybe it's time for me to insist he take herbs and change his supplement routine to be more ADD relevant .



Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...