To Sub Hub in Phx:

I know you believe I should have spanked him. But, after a lot of thought, I decided that spanking a man whose root problem at this time is that he was just forced to give his daughter up for adoption because she is seriously mentally ill and violent is kind of counter productive. He feels like he let her down. He feels useless because he could not help his daughter. Last weekend was the last time he will ever get to speak to her. This is happening to him because of outdated opinions about mental health care, not because of something he has done. Adoption of his daughter was forced on him by a case manager who didn't even bother to read the file, talk to the kid's therapists, or any of her caregivers. It was forced upon him by a judge who "orders whatever the case manager asks for regardless of what is right." He has a right to be hurt and angry. He does not have a right to take that hurt and anger out on me. What he needed was understanding, and to be offered another way to cope, and to be given a way out of his depression.  My knight is currently at the lowest point he has ever been in his entire life. Spanking him as a punishment would only serve to bring him even lower. He was dealing with feeling like I hated him because he allowed himself to be forced into giving his daughter up for adoption. We did everything we legally could to avoid this moment. In fact, our lawyer claims we are the only case she has seen to be able to put it off as long as we did under similar circumstances. My knight did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. The issue is a very ill little girl, with a genetic condition, and a system that chooses to believe children can not have mental illness.  Because of the flaws in a very bad system, he will never see or hear from his daughter again. In fact, legally, she is no longer his child.  He is devastated, and has been fighting to hide that deep pain from me, and from himself.

Spanking him for the first time under those circumstances would serve to make him feel worse. Not better. He acted out towards me out of deep and overwhelming pain. And he has been for several months. He needed to know that he belongs to me, and that I love and accept him as he is. Spanking him would not have accomplished that.

I believe punishment should serve to change the behavior the person is being punished for. Spanking him would not have done that. Honestly, no harsh punishment would have accomplished that. Forcing him to see and acknowledge his behaviors, and the pain and stress they have caused me will go much further. He needed all his defenses stripped away, so that he could release the emotions that have been ruling him. Spanking him, would not have served that purpose.

Had I spanked my knight last night, he would have become more angry. Not at me, but with himself. Having him feel worse would not have served my purposes.

I'm pretty sure that when I do spank my knight, he will see it as fun sex play, not a punishment.  Again, counter productive to my purposes. How do I know this? Because I have been known to turn around and whop him one, more than once for minor rule infractions or simple dumb comments. Not a full bare-assed spanking, but a simple swat across the arm, hand chest or ass when he mildly displeased me. I did it to gauge his reactions. He enjoyed it.. egged me on for more, in fact. That shows me that he would enjoy being spanked. It will happen. But on my terms, on my time, and certainly not at a time when he needs to understand the seriousness of his behavior.

That does not make me any less dominant than a woman who spanks as punishment. If he's going to enjoy it, it's a reward, not a punishment. Just because I do not dominant my knight in the way you think I should, does not make me any less dominant. In fact, I dominate my knight exactly as I choose to -without regard to his kinks.

Yes, I struggle with the flr sometimes. The things that make me struggle with dominating my knight have more to do with my knight's history, than with me. I do not wish to break him.  He spent 10 years trying to live out his submission with a seriously mentally ill and violent woman who abused him in every way possible.  His submission made her angry, and she abused him.(No, I am not talking S/M or kink here, I am talking real, domestic violence situations. He was in hell, but was so submissive to her that he assumed he must have deserved that kind of treatment.) That is why I struggle with dominating him. I am a Dominant who takes my submissive's needs and wants seriously. I live by the creed of "first, do no harm" and strive to help him heal. Before I engage in any dominant behavior I must be sure it will not harm him psychologically.  I don't mean to make him sound fragile. He was 10 years ago when we met, but he is no longer fragile. My care and dominance have done what therapy could not- I've helped him heal, and helped him start accepting who he is and what he wants.

His past is why he struggles with his submission. He allowed his submissive nature to lead him into a dangerous situation. He was young, and didn't understand the differences between submission and abuse. He is learning that is is okay to kneel at my feet and be submissive to me. He's learning that it's okay to show me his submission, that I will accept it graciously. He's learning that he can talk about what he wants/needs without being beaten, abused, or berated for it. It's been a long hard road for us getting this far. When he first admitted he wanted me to be "in charge" as he put it, he did it on paper,  in as round about a way as you can imagine, and couldn't look me in the eye for a full week afterward.

If he did not have this particular history, I would have no second thoughts about spanking him as a punishment, or handing out harsh punishments. But, my knight came to me damaged. I am his Queen, and I am helping him heal.

No offence intended, but unless you've personally been caught in a truly abusive relationship with a mentally ill woman because of your submissive nature, and unless you have had a child forced from you because she had the same genetic, violent mental illness as her mother, you have no room to judge either of us. Submissive guys have it hard in our society, and I'm not denying that you probably had your difficulties and struggles too. But telling me that I'm not doing it right, or that we're in the wrong roles, because my version of Dominance doesn't line up with your kinks or needs does not help anyone.

In this particular case, I believe my knight was trying to push me into spanking him. Giving him what he wanted would have been allowing him to "top from the bottom." I may not be a leather and whips Dom, but I do not allow myself to be manipulated. He wanted that spanking, was begging for it with his actions, in fact. And I refused to give it to him because that would be a reward for bad behavior.