Unlearning.........

I used to be spontaneous, and completely uninhibited in the bedroom. I was assertive, sometimes aggressive, and pretty much always got what I wanted when it came to sex. After my first husband and I divorced, I was a little unsure, a little more reserved, but after a few years, I mostly went back to being uninhibited in the bedroom. Then I met my knight. We talked for months before we finally met. Our discussions covered every topic imaginable, including sexual fantasies. When we started dating, I noticed that he was a bit more reserved than he had made himself out to be. With everything else he had going for him, this wasn't a deal breaker. Eventually, we moved in together, and I learned that being spontaneous and springing new things on him in the bedroom caused him to freeze up and go hide in his shell. I kept trying, knowing that he wanted to get over this particular problem.

I asked him why he froze up on me.

"I don't know how you want me to respond, " was his always his answer.

Now, keep in mind, this was before flr, before I understood that he was a submissive guy and wanted me to teach him exactly how I wanted him to act. Under the assumption that we were in a "typical 50/50 " kind of relationship, I didn't know what to make of his comment. (of course a LOT of things he said make no sense under the assumption of a 50/50 relationship)   I told him I didn't want him to react in any specific way. (yeah, stupid, I know.. but I didn't know any better at that point) I knew he had a really rough time with his ex-wife, and I knew her issues and hang-ups and phobias had seriously colored his view of sex, and marriage. I figured it would take time for him to stop freezing and expecting the worst.

Except, eventually, I started getting hurt by his reactions. It wasn't intentional, and he wasn't trying to put me off or push me away.  I would do something he didn't expect and he'd freeze up on me. Later, he always apologized and explained what  had happened in his head. But, even so, the damage was done, and eventually, I became reserved in the bedroom. I was less likely to put him in a situation where I thought he'd freeze. I told him how his reactions were making me feel, and why I was less assertive. He apologized, asked me not to stop doing the things I was doing, and assured me he'd get over it.......eventually. But, I did stop. It wasn't intentional, but I felt rejected when he froze like that, and there wasn't anything he could say to make it better. I started second guessing every my every move when we had sex. I stopped initiating sex, suggesting fantasy play, and stopped trying new things with him. These things didn't happen all at once, it was a gradual process that took years.

It sucked. 

Eventually I realized what had happened, and we talked about it. Things got better, but I was never as uninhibited as I had been before.

I thought I was over it, but yesterday proved to me that I'm not. I had planned on taking my knight into our bedroom when he got home from work, ordering him to lie on the bed, on his back,and then moving so I was straddling his mouth so he could use his tongue on me for a few minutes. This was to be yesterday's "coming home ritual."  I was planning for this right up until the minute he walked in the door. At that point, I saw in my mind all the times I had tried similar things and had them fall flat because he froze on me. That is a lot of "rejection" to run through your head all at once, and even though I knew each of those times that he was not intending to reject me, that is how it felt. Anyway.. my knight came in, put his laptop away, and dropped to his knees to put his head in my lap. I stroked his hair, and asked him if he missed me, and then let him stay there, nuzzled into my lap for several minutes before I told him to get up, and go get his dinner.  It was sweet, and served the intended purpose, but I didn't follow through on my intentions because of how my knight reacted to similar things in our past.

I don't like that I did that. I want to push our flr forward, not stay stuck in our same rut. And, the only way  that can happen is if I can get over the feelings of hurt and rejection from several years ago.

And at the same time, I'm angry with myself because if I had understood what he was asking for all those years ago, and simply TOLD him how I wanted him to react, I would not have felt hurt or rejected back then.

A lot of things would have been easier for us if he had simply come out and told me what he wanted from me, instead of spending years dropping hints that I didn't have the reference to understand. I know he was afraid of being rejected because of his desire to be submissive, but, knowing would have saved both of us a lot of hurt.