I'm Still Here

It's been a very stressful couple of weeks. Between my stepson with Autism (did I mention that Autism and being a 14 yr old boy is a very difficult combination), the legal stuff with my mentally ill stepdaughter, and my Knight's inability to cope with either, I am stressed out, angry and frustrated.

Deep breath.....................

The legal issue with my stepdaughter is resolved. Although, not in a way that makes my Knight or I happy. Let's just say that we took on "the system" and "the system" won. Wednesday was a very sad day for us. Now, we need to take the time to recover. My knight needs to come to terms with the result of all this. He .. no.. WE did the very best we could for her. Over the past several years we both stood up for her rights, and her needs, as well as the rights and needs of our 5 other kids. Personally, I think we did a kick-ass job of managing everything under circumstances more difficult than many people can imagine. My knight, of course, is blaming himself. It's not his fault. Sometimes you just lose -even when you're right, even when you have the moral high ground, and even when you have done every single darned thing possible to make it work.. even then, sometimes you get kicked in the teeth. All we can hope at this point is that someday, she will be willing and able to hear, see and read, the truth. I am keeping all the video and audio recordings,  notes, medical records, therapy notes, and court  documentation from the past 10 years, so that if she is ever interested I can produce proof that what we have told her is true and honest. That is, of course, if she chooses to come back to us after she is an adult. To that end, all I can say is this: Princess, I love you. I have always loved you, and I always will love you. Your dad and I did the best we could to find you the help you need. I hope and pray that you find a therapist and the right balance of meds to allow you to follow your dreams, and lead your life to it's fullest potential. Be happy, my sweetlove. Go forth from this point and do your best to do all you can. When you are able and ready to come home, your father and I will still be here for you. We always have only wanted the best for you. Even though I'm not your biological mother, I have loved you like my own since the day I met you. If I failed you, I'm sorry, and ask your forgiveness. I did my best. I hope you come home -to your real home- when you turn 19, so that we can pick up the pieces, and build a new relationship. All  my best to you, my dear. I'll see you in a few years.

What does any of this have to do with FLR? Not a damned thing. I'm posting this here, because I feel the need to post it -- to publish it-- somewhere. And I can't do it anywhere else because of privacy issues.

My knight is not dealing with this very well. He's blaming himself, and cutting himself off from me. Never a good combination. He's been moody, difficult, and closed off. He's been ignoring all his flr rules, and when I mention it, he blows me off. Earlier this week, I offered him an opportunity to suspend the flr until we have gotten through the worst of the emotional upheaval of the situation.

He said no, he wanted to continue the flr.

But, he did not go back to following his rules. This morning I called him on it. His answer was that he's struggling to keep up. I got angry because I do way more around here than he does. I manage everything - money, kids, homeschooling, food menus, household chores, his writing schedule, his task list, social calendars, kid activities PLUS run two businesses.  While he goes to work, and comes home. 

But, once I calmed down I realized that him feeling like he can't keep up is a direct result of his feelings of helplessness regarding the situation with his daughter. All of his recent behavior is a result of the situation with her.

I need to find a way to break through to him, and get him to see that it's not his fault, and that walling himself off will not help.

No, he won't go to counseling. Well.. I take that back. If I insisted, if I gave him absolutely no choice in the matter, and I went with him, he would go. But I don't he would participate. Not out of stubbornness, but because he has dealt with mental health professionals for 20+ years between his ex wife, and his daughter, and his 14 yr old Aspie son. These experiences (especially with his ex and his daughter) have left him jaded, and angry with the entire mental health profession. (Our boy has a decent therapist, but I am the one who works with her with the boy)

Again, what does this have to do with flr? Maybe nothing. Maybe something. I'm wondering if I should still punish my knight for his recent rule infractions. Will it help? Will it make  things worse? I'm not sure.

One of the rules he's been ignoring is the rule to keep shaved. The chastity device I ordered finally got here the other day. I have not given it to him yet, but I'm considering being a total  bitch, and putting it on him even though he has not shaved. (I have reminded him twice in the last week or so).

Then again, I don't think the darned thing will fit him anyway. It seems way to small. That's what I get for ordering cheap, I guess.

It's going to take me a little bit of time to get back to normal. This whole thing with my stepdaughter has shaken me, caused me to question everything.