Friday, March 6, 2015

I'm Still Here

It's been a very stressful couple of weeks. Between my stepson with Autism (did I mention that Autism and being a 14 yr old boy is a very difficult combination), the legal stuff with my mentally ill stepdaughter, and my Knight's inability to cope with either, I am stressed out, angry and frustrated.

Deep breath.....................

The legal issue with my stepdaughter is resolved. Although, not in a way that makes my Knight or I happy. Let's just say that we took on "the system" and "the system" won. Wednesday was a very sad day for us. Now, we need to take the time to recover. My knight needs to come to terms with the result of all this. He .. no.. WE did the very best we could for her. Over the past several years we both stood up for her rights, and her needs, as well as the rights and needs of our 5 other kids. Personally, I think we did a kick-ass job of managing everything under circumstances more difficult than many people can imagine. My knight, of course, is blaming himself. It's not his fault. Sometimes you just lose -even when you're right, even when you have the moral high ground, and even when you have done every single darned thing possible to make it work.. even then, sometimes you get kicked in the teeth. All we can hope at this point is that someday, she will be willing and able to hear, see and read, the truth. I am keeping all the video and audio recordings,  notes, medical records, therapy notes, and court  documentation from the past 10 years, so that if she is ever interested I can produce proof that what we have told her is true and honest. That is, of course, if she chooses to come back to us after she is an adult. To that end, all I can say is this: Princess, I love you. I have always loved you, and I always will love you. Your dad and I did the best we could to find you the help you need. I hope and pray that you find a therapist and the right balance of meds to allow you to follow your dreams, and lead your life to it's fullest potential. Be happy, my sweetlove. Go forth from this point and do your best to do all you can. When you are able and ready to come home, your father and I will still be here for you. We always have only wanted the best for you. Even though I'm not your biological mother, I have loved you like my own since the day I met you. If I failed you, I'm sorry, and ask your forgiveness. I did my best. I hope you come home -to your real home- when you turn 19, so that we can pick up the pieces, and build a new relationship. All  my best to you, my dear. I'll see you in a few years.

What does any of this have to do with FLR? Not a damned thing. I'm posting this here, because I feel the need to post it -- to publish it-- somewhere. And I can't do it anywhere else because of privacy issues.

My knight is not dealing with this very well. He's blaming himself, and cutting himself off from me. Never a good combination. He's been moody, difficult, and closed off. He's been ignoring all his flr rules, and when I mention it, he blows me off. Earlier this week, I offered him an opportunity to suspend the flr until we have gotten through the worst of the emotional upheaval of the situation.

He said no, he wanted to continue the flr.

But, he did not go back to following his rules. This morning I called him on it. His answer was that he's struggling to keep up. I got angry because I do way more around here than he does. I manage everything - money, kids, homeschooling, food menus, household chores, his writing schedule, his task list, social calendars, kid activities PLUS run two businesses.  While he goes to work, and comes home. 

But, once I calmed down I realized that him feeling like he can't keep up is a direct result of his feelings of helplessness regarding the situation with his daughter. All of his recent behavior is a result of the situation with her.

I need to find a way to break through to him, and get him to see that it's not his fault, and that walling himself off will not help.

No, he won't go to counseling. Well.. I take that back. If I insisted, if I gave him absolutely no choice in the matter, and I went with him, he would go. But I don't he would participate. Not out of stubbornness, but because he has dealt with mental health professionals for 20+ years between his ex wife, and his daughter, and his 14 yr old Aspie son. These experiences (especially with his ex and his daughter) have left him jaded, and angry with the entire mental health profession. (Our boy has a decent therapist, but I am the one who works with her with the boy)

Again, what does this have to do with flr? Maybe nothing. Maybe something. I'm wondering if I should still punish my knight for his recent rule infractions. Will it help? Will it make  things worse? I'm not sure.

One of the rules he's been ignoring is the rule to keep shaved. The chastity device I ordered finally got here the other day. I have not given it to him yet, but I'm considering being a total  bitch, and putting it on him even though he has not shaved. (I have reminded him twice in the last week or so).

Then again, I don't think the darned thing will fit him anyway. It seems way to small. That's what I get for ordering cheap, I guess.

It's going to take me a little bit of time to get back to normal. This whole thing with my stepdaughter has shaken me, caused me to question everything.


  1. Mistress Angelique

    I am so so sorry for the both of you. The finality of the process with your step daughter is very sad indeed. I am struggling to find words that will offer any comfort. Dealing with authorities, particularly in these circumstances is so mind blowingly frustrating that it is a wonder that either of you are functioning at all. Please know that whilst I do not know either of you, I have you both in my thoughts.

    Counselling may be a useful exercise as I suspect that what you are seeing is a form of grieving by Knight. In the circumstances I think I would be angry and closed off. Whilst you might appear to be present in the relationship, reality is something else all together. He might get himself through this, but I am not sure how long that would take and I am not sure what damage to relationships could occur. I can’t offer an opinion on the FLR aspect but I would have thought that some consistency and regularity in his life at the moment may help him process and come to terms with this loss.

    I my experience I neglected my son. I didn’t realise it at the time but I thought he was coping with all that was going on. I also expected that N would cope as I was. I didn’t offer either of them the support and comfort they were due. I also didn’t realise this until many years later. You can’t do all this yourself and I think that you may also need so assistance in putting this all into some form of perspective.

    My thoughts are with you both. Please look after yourself, Knight and the rest of the family. You all really need each other at the moment. DtBHC.

  2. Welcome back, Angelique!

    You, knight and family have been through quite a lot the past few weeks. I appreciate your ability to articulate so well all the things you are wrestling with. I don’t know if you believe in the power of prayer or not, but I’ve been praying for you and the family, that God will bring you peace and strength, and that you and knight can draw closer together.

    Do you think that knight needs you now more than ever, and that maintaining your authority might help him feel loved? If you give him space, will knight feel that you are angry with him, or that you do not love him?

    Perhaps you could punish him, gently, for not meeting expectations. Let him know that you love him, and that you appreciate him, and that him doing XY and Z will make you happy. If he doesn’t do XY and Z, he gets corner time, or ordered to lie on the floor naked for 15 minutes, or kiss your feet or some other light punishment.

    Warm regards,


  3. Ms Angelique,
    I could not begin to tell you how to handle all of this.
    I know that, for me, when I am stressed or depressed it helps greatly when my wife ups her control and dominance. Knowing we are all a little different, I hope you find the way for your knight.
    My prayers are with you and your family.



Knight has a thing for body piercings. I have a couple piercings that he gets to play with and take photos of when he's been really good...