Why Do We "Do FLR?" To Avoid THIS

I had planned to write a post talking about some of the changes I'm trying to make in regards to our FLR, and the good things I see coming out of our flr dynamic, but I just read the mail and I'm pissed.

Somewhere around April of last year my knight started classes for his his Master's in emerging technology. He decided to go back to school for a Master's degree after being laid off from a big national company. He thought having the higher degree would make less likely to be laid off in the future.

"Go for it," I told him.

 He started classes in April, shortly after we moved. By June, he decided he wanted to quit. He hated the program, and didn't see the relevance to his job, his career goals, or his writing. Plus he really resented the time it took from the kids. On a side note.. I respect and adore that about him --anything that "steals time" from me or the kids just is not worth it to him. Knight was having to skip family activities and time with the kids, and he was really upset about that. He started talking about quitting school.

 I told him, "If you resent the time it takes that much, and you want to quit, then quit. The kids won't be kids forever. Do what feels right to you.."

Two days later, he emailed the college and formally withdrew from the Master's program.

Enter the student loan people. Before knight started the Master's program, his student loan payments were based on his income with deductions for the the kids and basic expenses. Payments were something we could manage without doing without. When knight started the Master's program, his loan payments went on hold. When he quit school we knew we'd have to start making payments again after 6 months. He's making less now than he was before we moved, so we expected payments to be about the same amount.

Back in October, we received several letters from the company who holds his student loan. The letters made no sense because they contradicted each other. One week, we got three letters. Each said something different to the one before it. I checked his on-line account and that said something completely different than any of the three letters.  I told knight to call them and get it straightened out.

He went to his on-line account instead, and reported back to me what I already knew, "The online account says X."

I patiently explained that I knew that already -- after all, I set up the on-line account -- but that the letters they sent said something different and it needs to be addressed.

He called them, or at least claims to have called them, and told me they said to "disregard the letters , because they were wrong."

Okay.. now, that made no sense to me. I asked knight to call them back and speak to a supervisor. He told me he didn't need to.

I asked again... and again.. and followed up a fourth, fifth and sixth time.  He caught hell for not doing as I asked, and I handed down a punishment.

Then.. in November, we got more letters saying that if we wanted to sign up for the income based payments, he needed to log in to the account and submit the paperwork. I put this on his list.

His answer, "I've already done it.. The letters are wrong."

I told him to sign in and check..  make sure because his payments without the income based plan would be over 900$ a  month. We can't do that.

Again, he insisted it was fine, the letters were wrong. "The woman on the phone told me the old application would still apply."

I pointed out that the letter said differently and that I wanted him to sign in and take care of it.

He never did. When I called him on it, he argued and said that I was wrong.. or the letters were wrong because the chick on the phone said differently.

Two days ago, we got a bill for PART of his student loan payment for January. It was almost $300.  The bill was very clear that this was only a portion of it and the rest of the bill would be sent within a week. Today, I got that bill. It's for over $700 So. between the two bills, they want almost $1000 by Jan 21. Yeah... not going to happen.

So.. I emailed knight at work and told him to deal with this mess that he created. They told him that he was supposed to submit the application for income based payments back in November.  They said he can submit them now, but it's likely to take a couple months to process. The person on the phone canceled all payments due until the paperwork processes, so we don't have to make the almost $1000 payment this month

BUT.. I am sitting here wondering why in the hell we're trying to operate under an flr, if he won't follow my directions. Granted.. we took an flr break for awhile and part of this mess was during that break... and granted, he has been doing better lately, but these kind of screw ups were exactly what I was trying to prevent when we started flr. Yes, I'm partially at fault here for enforcing the flr inconsistently, I know that. But the root problem there is that I don't believe I should have to enforce it all. I expect him to do as he is told because he agreed that he would. He agreed to flr, therefore he agreed to do what I tell him whether he agrees or not, with certain, very specific exceptions.  So.. if he's going to blow me off then why, exactly, am I putting the time, energy and effort into flr?

Would it have made a difference if I had punished him more harshly? Maybe.. I suppose. But, again, it comes down to .. I feel punishments should be completely unnecessary. He should do what he's told simply because he agreed to flr, and asked me to take and maintain control over his daily life.
I mean.. get real here.. nobody has to threaten or punish me in order for me to do what is expected of me. I'm an adult. I am responsible to my kids, and I do what's needed because I have a responsibility to them. Done. He has a responsibility to me..the responsibility to do what I tell him.  He has this responsibility because he ASKED for it.

Punishment should be unnecessary.

And yet.. there is this stupid student loan mess to deal with because he did not do as I told him. 

Will We Ever Get This?

It has been a crazy busy couple of weeks. Of course the holiday season always is, but I feel like I've been pulled in every direction possible lately. I've just had no time at all to sit down and write here. Of course, it doesn't help that I moved my computer to a standing desk, and the only place to put the standing desk was in the den where the kids could see my screen. I can't very well write about flr topics with in the view of the munchkins. This afternoon, I decided I'd been gone from Qnk long enough, and I moved my laptop back into my office so I can write in peace.

How's the flr been going since I last wrote?  Okay.. not great, but okay. Most of the things I'm not happy with are my own doing - following in to routine, not paying enough attention to flr matters. The typical issues for us. Knight became extremely lax with following rules again and I read him the riot act about two weeks ago. I told him that I won't be pushed into any kind of regular punishment, and that I expected him to do this MY way. My way is that he meets my expectations even when I'm not enforcing them. I expect him to meet my expectations for no other reason than they ARE my expectations. I told him that I really resent having to double check and make sure he did what he was supposed to like he were a child. We may be practicing an flr, but I expect him to act like an adult.
He admitted that he'd been slacking off because I wasn't paying attention.

 I'm trying to come up with things we can add to our daily routines that will underscore the flr dynamic and bring it to the forefront for both of us. So far, everything I've tried feels forced and silly. Once or twice I tried something that I found interesting and cool, only to have the whole thing fall flat when he didn't respond at all.. just stood there looking confused. I hate feeling stupid.... so that went nowhere. 

No big failures.. just lots of little ones that are adding up. I've talked to knight about it, and he still maintains he wants to keep the flr, but has no idea where he wants it to go. I asked him what his goals were for our marriage.. where he sees us in 5 years. He had lots of ideas.. but they were all "stuff oriented" .. adding on to the house, building a new shed, going on a trip.. things like that. When I asked him about flr goals he had nothing.

So often, I feel like I'm doing this by myself... he says he wants the flr, but does very little to help me make that dynamic work. I need to know.. to see what about this dynamic makes him happy.. I need  to know what he wants from this, and I need him play along when I try to explore and play with being dominant. Most of the time it seems that he only responds when I get angry or lose patience with him.

Erotica and Porn Suggestions?

When I met knight he was into collecting porn movies. He still collected them after he and I got together, but he never watched them. He asked me once if I was into porn, and my answer was that while I'd never gone out of my way to watch it, I didn't have a problem with it. I told him that if he asked, I'd watch porn with him. He never asked.

Once, early in our relationship (before we'd even moved in together) knight asked if it was okay for him to download and trade erotic pics. I gave him permission as long as 1. I always had full access to what he was trading and downloading. He was to hide nothing and 2. he NEVER shared a pic of me. and, 3. He always cleared the browser history and closed windows when he was done. He was to leave no trace of his activities on the family computer.  I had two young teen daughters at the time, and I was concerned about what they might see, and their opinions of knight. 4. He was never to trade pics without my knowing about if first.

Seemed fair to me. Remember that this was before flr. As far as I understood, we were in a 50/50 relationship. Had I realized what we had then, I would have handled it differently, but that's another story.

Anyway.. one day a few years ago, knight and I had a discussion about whether or not some famous chick had done any nude pics. I didn't think she had. Later that evening, knight went on an internet search to prove me wrong. He found what he was looking for, but I wasn't home, so he downloaded the picture. No problem there. But, when I came home, I found the download window open with a name that made it obvious what it was.

I was furious. Knight was in a whole lot of trouble for a very long time. One of the things that I did at that point was ban all porn. He was no longer allowed to view, read, download, or trade any type of adult material. Just done.

I told him that from that point on, I would decide if, when , where, and what adult images he could view.  That was a couple years ago. I'm not sure if it was pre-flr or post-flr. It was probably within the same year that we started flr. Knight has followed that rule without question.

I've been thinking about fun ways to tease and play with knight a bit more, and I've decided that it would be fun to watch a little porn together, or to read an erotic story or two together. (one that I didn't write)


So.. I'm asking for suggestions. He's not going to like any of the D/s themed stuff, so I need something that has an flr component without being blatantly D/s. I like tasteful, well done porn that has at least some sort of a plot. He has a cuckolding fantasy, so that's okay.  I like tastefully done porn, with enough of a plot to get my imagination going. I prefer no obvious plastic surgery, Other than that, I'm pretty open.

Within those guidelines, what are your, and your lady's favorite porn movies, or erotic stories?

Sweet Evening

Yesterday was one of the few evenings we didn't have anything going on. No kid activities, no music rehearsals, nothing. I planned a quiet dinner and a movie with the kids. After dinner I told my 12 yr old son to  pick a movie while my 13 yr old took care of dinner clean up.  Nothing spectacular.  I settled down in my favorite spot with some knitting and we started the movie. Knight was in the office moving files from his laptop to our server computer. I called him in to us when the movie started. Knight stood in front of the couch for a minute,considering. Then he walked out of the room. A few minutes later he came back with my knitting light and a hot cup of tea. He placed the tea down to my right, set up my knitting light, and then sat down on the floor in front of me.  He curled his arm around my leg and rested his head on my knee.  I acknowledged him by putting my knitting aside and taking his pony tail out so I could play with his hair. I spent 15 or 20 minutes running my hand through his hair, and then I went back to my knitting.  Knight stayed there until the movie was over.

It's really a non-event, but it was one of those moments that make you stop and look carefully at what's going on around you. Knight was comfortable expressing the submissive side of himself by sitting at my feet, and I made it a point to show him I had acknowledged, and accepted his submission.  When he took up his spot at my feet, wrapped around my leg, I felt special. It was sweet, and somehow romantic, and precious.

We struggle with flr. Mostly because of my fiercely independent nature. I'm a "treat people as you want to be treated" kind of person. I strive to be kind, fair, and understanding in everything I do. Especially with those I care about. Even though I'm a natural leader, dominating my husband - the person who is my life  partner - goes against my nature.   At the same time, I know it makes him happy for me to be in control, and our marriage works better when I am in control. If I had not taken control we would most likely have divorced years ago. The reality is that we've been in an FLR  since the day we started dating. It just took me several years to figure it out.

Knight's actions last night showed me that we are both making progress. We're both becoming more comfortable openly expressing the dynamic that has been there all along. We're both learning to embrace this,and that can only lead to good things for us.

History Repeats Itself

I'm pretty upset with myself right now. We've repeated the same damned cycle again. I realized this morning that I've been letting knight get sloppy again. I've been allowing him to skip out on bringing his task list to me every night, I've allowed him to get lazy and sloppy in the bedroom, and I have not insisted that he follow the rules.

The positive is that I recognized, and addressed, these things after one week, not the typical month or more.


Yesterday there were three different times when I felt knight was either overstepping is place, being inconsiderate, or simply not thinking. Then, it happened again this morning - twice- before he left for work. None of these incidents were major. It was all small stuff.

• Not speaking to me when he came into the library 
• sitting across the table from me (instead of next to me)
• getting involved in something on his laptop instead of working on the writing project
• not telling me he was just a little closer to orgasm that I though he was this morning. I ruined it, but he did not have my permission
• not making my coffee this morning.

As I made my coffee (he was in the shower, and I didn't want to wait for the coffee), I thought about these minor irritations, and the comments some of my readers have made over the last month or so. 

It occurred to me that knight is having these minor slips because I'm not doing my job.. not fulfilling my role as leader, and not insisting he follow the rules. He's not feeling my control because I've slipped again. Knight is - on some level- trying to push me into taking that control again.

Once again, I didn't set out to loosen my hold on knight, but it happened anyway.  I've given a good deal of thought to why I slacked off. Here's what I came up with.

• Thanksgiving holiday. I simply became lax because of the change in my routine
• My oldest daughter came home for a week. She went back to school on Tuesday morning. I toned down the more obvious stuff. For example, knight didn't sit on the floor in front of me once while she was here, and I got my own evening meds when the alarm went off. I usually ask knight do get it for me. 
• I'm focused on making a very tight writing deadline. My attention has simply been elsewhere. 
• Uncertainty about the training thing. I've been avoiding the additional training knight asked for because I've been unsure where to start.

Knight has reacted to each of these things.

•  While my daughter was here, knight asked me several times if I was upset with him. I wasn't, and I told him so. It didn't occur to me that he felt neglected because I wasn't allowing him to do as many things for me with oldest daughter here.
• Knight has been slightly withdrawn and seemed kind of down over the last couple days. I've asked him what was wrong, but each time he told me nothing. (remembering that knight often doesn't openly admit or recognize when he's feeling a lack of my control)
• Knight has asked for step-by-step instructions on things he should not need them for. 
• He's been questioning himself more over the last few days.
• He's been physically distant. 

I'm happy that I recognized what was going on before it became a problem In the past, this kind of thing has become a downward spiral. I am not going to let that happen this time.

Here is how I am remedying the situation.

• While knight was getting dressed this morning, I told him that he's been getting sloppy again. I spelled out each incident of sloppiness yesterday and this morning,and told him that even though I was lax over the holiday, I expected him to maintain the standards. 
• At the same time I told him I expect the sloppiness to stop immediately.
• I told him he's been careless and inattentive when it comes to sex, and that's not acceptable.
• I sent him an email telling him exactly what I want for breakfast in the morning, and when he told me he wasn't sure how to make it, I reminded him where the recipes are kept. (instead of simply giving him the recipe)
• When he gets home from activities with the kids this evening I'm going to ask for a full body massage. He's going to spend as long as I want him to rubbing his favorite scented oil into my body while we watch an adult movie. He will be denied orgasm and I won't directly touch his cock.
• Tomorrow morning I will begin teaching knight how I want him to wake me up each morning. 
• I am making a list of things I want knight to learn. I will start teaching him one item from the list each week.
• I'll make it a point to resume using phrases that remind knight he belongs to me.

More Training - Not Sure Where to Start

Before Thanksgiving, knight told me it would help him if I spent time teaching him what I want from him in various situations. He said that he is often unsure of what I want him to do,and how I want him to react. This conversation came up when we were discussing flr issues a few weeks ago. I asked him if it would help if I took the time to teach him exactly what I want from him in every situation. Not only did he answer "yes," but he was extremely relieved that I offered.

Okay.... I'm willing to put the training time in, but really I don't have the foggiest idea where to start. Many of the situations knight is unsure of seem... obvious and second nature to me. Simple things - like pick up the plate from the table as you walk by, or stick to the shopping list at the store, or don't always wait for me to initiate sex play.. these are simple "no brainer" things for me. But, when knight and I discus them, he really is unsure of what I want from him. We've been together for over 10 years, and  there is a part of me that thinks, "really.. if you don't know me by now, then you really don't pay attention."  I'm not difficult, I don't hint, I try very hard to be clear and concise in my expectations of knight.

As a woman who has grown up in the modern word, I feel like "training" my knight should be unnecessary. He should pay as much attention to me, my habits, feelings and needs as I do to his.

As the wife of a submissive guy, I get it. (kind of)  I know my knight well enough to understand that his entire being and self worth is tied up in "doing what (she) wants", and "making (her) happy."   If I am even a little bit upset or disappointed in him, my knight's world falls apart.

I am proud of my knight for being honest and telling me that he feels like he needs more "training." And, as the leader of our flr, I'm willing to provide that training. 

So, the next question is: Where do I start? And, that's where I get hung up.
For the most part, knight's daily task list covers everything I want him to do on any given day. If directions are needed for a task, I include them in the list. I have written out a bedtime routine that knight follows each evening, and I'm working to develop a morning routine, as well.  To my thinking, that should be enough. But, I know it's not.

A big part of this is that knight wants to feel my influence in everything he does. I get that. ( I don't understand it, but I get that is his motivation). So, my task is to start his training in the area where he will most feel my influence.

And, that's the issue. I don't know where that is. Sure, I could ask him.. and I probably will, but I'm expecting an answer similar to what I usually get in these instances, "I don't know babe, whatever you think is best." or "Whatever you think is best." or even "where ever  you want."

Which doesn't help.

What is most important to me? I don't have an answer for that because knight does a decent job of doing what I ask of him when I ask it. (for now, anyway, regular readers know that isn't always the case)

I think.. what is most important to me is that we find ways for both of us to feel the flr dynamic in everything we do... all the time... because we both seem to be happier, more content and closer to each other that way.

Getting there, is the challenge. 

Thanksgiving Holiday

We had a nice Thanksgiving holiday. My oldest daughter came home on Weds, she's leaving to go back to school and work tomorrow morning. An old friend came down to join my family for the holiday. I haven't seen her in 20 some odd years. It was great to spend the day catching up. Daughter number 2 joined us for part of the day via video chat technology. It's been a pleasant week.

As usual during such times I've been struggling to maintain the level of flr that knight seems to need. When things are going well, it's a challenge for me to focus on maintaining that show of power that he needs. If things are going well, and knight is caught up on his tasks, what is there for me to show? I know that kind of thinking is what gets us into trouble, and I'm working on it. I'm just not sure how to best remind him of the power dynamic when things are going well.

For his part, knight is doing well right now, although he's been a little distant over the last day or so. I think he's feeling the lack of obvious power play. I'd like to come up with something we can do tonight after the kids go to bed, but it's not likely to happen. We all have to leave the house tomorrow morning at 4 to get oldest daughter to the airport for her flight. He's going to have to wait until tomorrow evening.

Knight has been completing his tasks, and doing as I ask. On Thanksgiving Day knight took over in the kitchen, and entertained her son so my friend and I could spend some time talking and catching up. He did this without my having to ask.  Yesterday knight was unsure of what I wanted from him at one particular moment. It was obvious to all of us that he was struggling.. but, he turned to me and very plainly told me "I don't know what you want me to do right now." I told him and he went off to do it. Oldest Daughter looked at me a little funny, but didn't say anything, and she and I went back t what we were doing.  I was proud of my knight for clearly telling me that he was unsure instead of flipping from task to task like he sometimes does.

Even though I've been careful to give knight detailed instructions while Oldest Daughter has been here, I get the very definite impression that he wants more overt control from me. I'm still learning how to give him what he's looking for.